I don't have much to say except that I find myself in a somewhat similar situation.

I found out last week that T changed my diagnosis to Generalized Anxiety Disorder, even though I asked her not to at some point in the past. I know she did it for insurance reasons, so that they would continue covering me. She even flat out told me she was only playing the system.

I have been in therapy for almost a year and a half now, and my insurance hasn't given me any problems with it, aside from just recently shortening sessions to 45 minutes. But I don't think I'm comfortable continuing to let my insurance pay for weekly therapy indefinitely under the pretext that I have an anxiety disorder. I don't believe I have any diagnosable condition at this time. I'm just a normal person who struggles with attachment and other aspects of life at times.

So I have the option to do a few more sessions in order to end for now, and then maybe come back later when I can pay out of pocket, if I choose to. Or I could try to taper off more gradually, go to every other week or once a month.

I do feel that I am blossoming and growing doing therapy, I just don't think my insurance should really have to pay for it if I'm using it for personal growth purposes even though I'm functioning fine and don't have any real symptoms.

On the other hand, it's entirely possible that I'm not having any symptoms specifically because I am feeling contained by the therapeutic relationship and it is keeping me in balance.

Anyway, that is my conundrum...

(((HELD)))

My first thought was that you seem to be struggling with embracing your love for you T. Is it okay to go weekly just because you want to? Or do you have to be doing deep work? If you just want supportive therapy, is your only option every other week? I say, heck, face your fear of attachment but, then again, you have to do what's right for you.

(((HIC)))

I'm sorry that I don't have much advice to offer, but I was glad to read your update and hear what's going on with you. I know I'm not nearly ready to pull away myself, but there have been times when I've gotten so functional (especially during breaks from T), that I've thought, "Well, maybe this is enough." Ultimately, though, I have decided to keep going while I figure out my "is it worth it?" question. I agree with Liese that it's OK to go every other week without pushing yourself into the deep work...maybe just see how it goes and if you want to go into that work yet or you're still not ready. It's also OK if you just want to go once every month to keep the connection for now. Whatever you're ready for is OK. Personally, I don't even know how far I'll go in my own work at this point. I'm trying not to make long-term decisions and just take it one week at a time right now. Anyway, sorry I'm no help, but as I said, it is good to hear about how things are going!

Thanks for the thoughtful replies, lovely people. I will be back to respond individually when my thoughts are clearer.

I must be jinxed or something. T just called about ten minutes ago looking to reschedule me. She said it was for a PTA meeting she could not miss, she had to be at it, and she just found out this morning what time it was for (right in the middle of my scheduled session time). She offered an earlier session on the phone today, or 6:00 tomorrow evening, or earlier in the day tomorrow if I could find babysitting for my daughter, I guess.

I broke out into a cold sweat while she was talking, went all shaky and nearly burst into tears, but then the blessed numbness descended on me like a mantle and I told her coolly enough that I would think about it and email her. Then I got off the phone with her and have just been lying on the sofa shaking since.

Eventually my rational brain will take over and I will be able to think about this clearly. Right now all I can think is I am reacting this extremely because she is seriously screwing with my attachment system. There is no way I could email her right now. Maybe later. Part of me wants the six o clock tomorrow, but another part is screaming "avoid!"

I would be okay if she didn't keep doing this. Maybe I am better off without therapy altogether.

(((HIC))) I'm sorry. Another last minute cancellation has to be so distressing even if it is for something unavoidable. And having the reason right there in your face has to hurt too. I hope you are able to take the 6:00 pm and just go in there with how much these things are hurting you, even if you know they're not intentional. Lots of

((((HIC))))

Lots of hugs coming your way.

A PTA meeting? Are you kidding me? I don't want to incite you or induce you to leave her because in the past she has sounded like a great therapist. And, your relationship with her has been good. But me, being me, I would question her commitment to you. I don't blame you for being upset. I was involved in the PTA as co-president and as just a worker bee for years and cannot think of one meeting that was absolutely essential that I be at. If it hadn't been on the heals of another cancellation, I might let this one slide but ... (((((HIC)))))

I have found, though, that my T has only been as committed as I've been to him and to therapy. Maybe she is protecting herself from you leaving - wrong thing to do but she's human and I do think she likes you quite a bit. Maybe the wavering you've been doing has caused her to be less committed.

It sounds like, though, that it has to be talked about. I hope you take that appointment tomorrow night. It could be a pivotal moment for you.

quote:

I have found, though, that my T has only been as committed as I've been to him and to therapy. Maybe she is protecting herself from you leaving - wrong thing to do but she's human and I do think she likes you quite a bit. Maybe the wavering you've been doing has caused her to be less committed.

I wonder if you could be right. I think she likes me quite a bit, too, and even though she cancels and reschedules more often than I would like, it's been manageable and she's very much there for me in general. But this lately has been a little too much and hard to understand, especially since she knows how I struggled with the last cancellation. I find the PTA excuse a bit hard to swallow, too. Why couldn't someone just take notes and fill her in?

(((((HELD)))))

Hope you take that appointment tomorrow.

hic...I am so sorry this happened to you again. It should not, espcially after her changing you/cancelling so recently.

I have been troubled over a period of time by you T's total lack of consistency when it comes to keeping her appointment commitments to you. My oldT did this a lot. Moved me around, switched times at the last moment and cancelled with little notice. But he never actually forgot me which I think your T has done at least once if not more.

To me, this is a huge red flag about her abilities to be there through thick and thin and I think it may be impacting your decision as to whether to go deeper into therapy or to taper off your sessions. Why would you feel confident that she could handle what you throw at her when she cannot even manage her schedule?

I am seeing current T for 2.5 years. He has cancelled me with more than 24 hours notice twice. He has never done any last minute cancels or changes. Certainly not to attend a PTA meeting!

The very fact that you are on the couch shaking with anxiety is a sign that she is failing you as an attachment figure and that you do have an attachment issue/injury to work on.

Again I'm sorry
TN

Hi TN,

Thank you for sharing your insights and cautions. I have had some thoughts similar to what you've expressed here. I actually sent my T the following email a couple hours ago. It is maybe not the nicest, but. I felt I needed to get these concerns on the table.

quote:

I believe you find my issues triggering or too complicated and that this results in a (perhaps unconscious) resistance to continuing our work together. This could conceivably be worked through if you felt it was worth it, but in the meantime the inconsistency and uncertainty is seriously messing with my (admittedly fragile) attachment system and I am feeling an instinct to pull back as a self protective measure. There is no denying you have helped me a great deal, but perhaps we have reached an impasse, or the limits of what is possible.

If you would like, I am open to hearing and considering any thoughts you may have on these matters. If you are sensing the same thing I am, please do not be reluctant to say so, I'd prefer if we could discuss it as openly as possible. Only email is better than phone; I do not think I could handle a phone conversation right now.

This is what T wrote back:

quote:

I can understand discomfort and/or anger with being asked to reschedule, no doubt. For that reason, it's never
something I do thoughtlessly or carelessly. Sometimes it is just necessary.

I see you as a very strong, capable human being. You are someone I find very interesting and inspiring
to work with.

Very simply, I had an obligation arise with my child's school. Unfortunately, they often do not give adequate notice.
However, my child is a priority, as I know are your children, and being at this meeting at her school is unavoidable.

Be all that as it may, as I was typing this response to you, I received a message from the
School District saying that they are letting school out early and cancelling all after school activities due to bad
weather headed this way. It appears that the meeting I needed to attend will be cancelled, although I am
awaiting final confirmation on that.

Normally, I would offer that we go ahead and meet at 5:30 today, if you were willing. However, now with the
threat of bad weather I would feel more comfortable scheduling at another time. If the weather is going
to be bad, I would not want you on the road to and from my office and I will need to be available to my kids.

On Tuesday I have 10 or 11am and 2, 3, 4, or 6:00pm.
I know Wednesday may not be good for you but I have 11:00 am, 2:00pm or 5:00/5:30pm open.
On Thursday I could do 6:00pm.

Thanks! Take care,

I dunno. I find her response lacking and unconvincing. Does it seem that way to anyone else? Would appreciate input from all perspectives.

***Note: I have not actually sent this next part, but it is what I am thinking and wish I could say in response.***

I find this reminder of children being a priority a bit demeaning. I do not believe that was ever in question. However, I cannot simply make myself believe in an unavoidable PTA meeting. It is stretching credulity too far. I feel there is something behind this, and I hesitate to reschedule because I have no reason to believe unconscious forces in your psyche would not prevent a subsequent attempt at meeting.

It is unfortunate, but at times we are all taken hostage. I hope they treat you well.

You guys probably think I have gone nuts. I better get offline now. . .

Really briefly HIC yes there's something a bit empty about your T's email reply. Clearly some sort if counter transference is coming up for her. More later xxx

HIC, is it more comfortable for you to believe your T rescheduled you because of unconscious forces reacting to your issues, than to believe her children are simply a higher priority for her than you are?

I know the second one would be awfully hard for me to stomach, but from here it's looking like the more plausible scenario from a rational standpoint.

I don't think you are nuts and I certainly think being faced with her children being more important would be very painful (which is what I was hinting at, but not wanting to say directly, in my original post). No matter if we all know it, it still hurts to see their devotion to their kids (something we might not have gotten to experience).

As far as the PTA excuse, I really don't know. I've never been involved in one, but if I were on some sort of committee, I probably would consider it essential to attend the meetings for it. Then again, I would only join a committee with the disclosure that I could only attend certain days and times due to my other obligations (e.g. work).

I don't know the past history with your T, though, so if last minute changes are a pattern, I'm thinking it's more just about who she is. My T does ALL his scheduling last minute and I've had to learn to accept it. I am the opposite. I would find it very difficult to work with a T who moved me around a lot. T will ask at times (sometimes it means offering me an early--usually longer--session, or sometimes it means switching with someone), but unless he is ill, he'd never move me last minute without my agreeing to it.

So, I guess, the PTA issue is moot to me. The issue is more whether her inconsistency is a pattern and, if that's just how she is, if it's something you can live with and continue working. While it's not impossible that it could be about you, it's probably more likely that it's about some way that she is with her schedule. Is she the type of person you could trust if she says, "Nope, this is absolutely not about you!" or is the trust not there? I have to ask my T those sort of questions a lot, but I trust him to give a genuine, honest answer when asked directly. Plus, he'd be a really awful liar.

I'm so sorry this is destabilizing to you. I do think, if you're going to hash it out with her, probably better to do it in person. Email/texts are OK for minor disruptions, but when things keep escalating, I think in person is best, so you can really take in all of the cues.

(((green eyes))) (((BLT))) (((anonymousely)))

I dunno. I don't like to think of myself as the sort of person that is jealous of my T's kids. I never mind hearing about them (T tells lots of parenting stories), or even seeing her younger daughter on occasion (she occasionally hangs out in the receptionist's office after school), and generally being aware of their existence has not been an issue for me. I suppose that could be it, but it doesn't feel right. I really think it's that I don't understand the necessity for a cancellation in this instance, especially because she is aware of some thing that have come up for me since our last session (anxiety about the previous cancellation, but also other stuff) so I would have thought she'd be extra cautious about cancelling this time, of all times. It's really, really, really hard not to imagine this is about me.

And, anonymously, perhaps you are right that I should simply express that and explain that I need some convincing, and see if she is capable of providing any.

Hmm. Yes, it's true that last minute changes have been very much a pattern for her all along. I don't like it, and it has definitely caused me anxiety in the past, but I do like her and have decided it's something I can live with. When it particularly bothers me, I permit myself to grumble about it, but I've generally thought of it as needing to take the good with the bad if I'm going to have her for my T. It's just this time. . . ugh. I'm really having a hard time with it, obviously.

Okay, I think I had a realization. I don't have a problem with her kids being more important than me. I do have a problem with a spur of the moment PTA meeting being more important than my session, especially under the circumstances.

This is how it is.

Well, it's OK for you to have a problem with it. They're you're feelings and you have a right to be upset with all the changes she throws at you last minute. Do you think, even if it changes nothing about what she does, it could help to express how hurt and mad it makes you?



PS - just something to consider. I just signed Boo up for Kindergarten today and the one I enrolled her in (which is just my local public school) requires me to participate in 32 in class service hours and eight parenting classes a year. The one I was going to sign her up for before my foreclosure, which was still a public school, but a special one you had to apply for, had double that level of required participation. So, it is possible that she "has to" be there for this thing if it's part of fulfilling some sort of obligation. It might not be, but it's not outside the realm of possibility. You'd know more about schools in your area than I would.

More . It's still OK to be mad even if there is a reason she feels she "has to" be there, though. You're important and she keeps ditching commitments to you.

((((HIC))))

Great that you clarified for yourself what the issue is. That helps a lot. Email and texts are so hard because of the lack of nonverbals. I know all T's are different but mine would never tell me his child is more important than me. I'm sure it's true but it's just not the way he works. He makes me feel important to him and that's what's important to me. I know other T's have told their clients that so it's not necessarily a red flag but between that and the cancellations, I can see why it's hard to feel like you matter to her right now. You were already feeling like chopped liver.

Just for comparison, my T has never cancelled a session on me and I've been seeing him for over 5 years. His record is exceptional but I love the consistency and his commitment to his profession and clients.

She does seem to have a lot of day appointments available. Do you think the evening appointments are a problem for her because of the kids and that there might be more consistency if you were able to go during the day?

If you decide to hash this out with her, why not tell her that you are NOT okay with the last minute cancellations and that you happen to know that she tends to cancel a little more frequently than the average T? (Benefits of this website). It might make her defensive but it's the truth. I know she thinks she takes cancelling very seriously but that just might not be enough.

(((((HIC))))

Hi HIC,

Hope it's okay if I put two cents in here. For a little while I saw a T who told me in the second or third session that our appointment time would be 'our time', and that we'd both try to stick to it as much as possible and make it a priority. I thought that was a great sign that she knew how important regularity was as a container for the therapy.

Then during the next week she sent me an email rescheduling the next two sessions and cancelling the two following ones (she was going to be overseas). Then when she got back from her trip she sent another email rescheduling the next session. I sent her an email saying okay, but I was finding the reschedules disruptive and would prefer a different regular time if she was going to keep rescheduling me. She wrote back to ask me to 'bear with her' and rescheduled yet one more session!

At which point I told her I wasn't willing to keep working with her.

This was a relatively easy decision to make because I didn't have much of a relationship with her at this stage, and was getting to the point where I was feeling like my work in therapy was almost done.

But I talked to my previous therapist about it and he told me in no uncertain terms that what she'd done was 'wrong'. He said that every therapist knows that cancelling a client is 'bad juju' and should be avoided at all costs. He actually said (I don't know how true this is) that they only do it when they think they can get away with it, like with a very easy-going client - and basically said if I was staying I should read her the riot act.

I think you have every reason to be angry and upset about this. I know you have a relationship with her so I wouldn't advocate just stopping, but I would say that it's perfectly fair to show her your feelings about it, including anger, and to tell her that it dysregulates your system and doesn't feel acceptable to you. You could ask for very clear explanations of why the last-minute PTA meeting took priority over her pre-arranged commitment to you, which is both a business commitment and a highly emotionally nuanced relationship commitment, founded on trust and regularity. Personally I would also ask for a very clear explanation of what other life commitments she has that you could expect would take higher priority than therapy, and how often she thinks rescheduling is acceptable for any given client.

Then at least you will know. You will be advocating for yourself, protecting your vulnerable parts. And you will learn a lot about her from the way she reacts, and particularly whether she is open or defensive in response to your feelings.

(((anonymously))) (((Liese))) (((Jones)))

Thank you all so much for the encouraging validation and especially for sharing some of your experiences and knowledge which helps a lot in putting things in a wider perspective. This forum can be such an amazing resource when therapy gets confusing.

quote:

PS - just something to consider. I just signed Boo up for Kindergarten today and the one I enrolled her in (which is just my local public school) requires me to participate in 32 in class service hours and eight parenting classes a year. The one I was going to sign her up for before my foreclosure, which was still a public school, but a special one you had to apply for, had double that level of required participation. So, it is possible that she "has to" be there for this thing if it's part of fulfilling some sort of obligation. It might not be, but it's not outside the realm of possibility. You'd know more about schools in your area than I would.

Thanks for explaining that to me. To be honest, I had no idea that the universe operated according to such rules re school. That's a heck of a lot of hours to require from a parent. On the other hand, my T's child is 16, not kindergarten aged. I do think T may be the sort of person to over commit and then find herself stuck, though, so perhaps there is more validity to her story than I was originally inclined to credit it with. Thanks for bringing this up. Hopefully she will explain it more when I see her in person.

quote:

But I talked to my previous therapist about it and he told me in no uncertain terms that what she'd done was 'wrong'. He said that every therapist knows that cancelling a client is 'bad juju' and should be avoided at all costs. He actually said (I don't know how true this is) that they only do it when they think they can get away with it, like with a very easy-going client - and basically said if I was staying I should read her the riot act.

This is an interesting perspective to be aware of, thanks very much for posting and sharing that. It is true that for the first year or so I was the world's most easy going client, I think. In fact, the first time T "forgot" me, I never even mentioned it at my next session because I didn't want to be impolite or pushy, lol. That would not happen now. T has worked with me on learning to be more assertive; I hope she does not now regret it.

quote:

Do you think the evening appointments are a problem for her because of the kids and that there might be more consistency if you were able to go during the day?

Yes, I have often thought this. I prefer evenings because I'm stingy about having to hire a babysitter for my daughter. If I have a later appointment, I can leave her with H for free, lol. But it may be worth it to me to swallow the cost if a day time appointment would translate to more consistency. Perhaps I will ask T about this.

I am going to try and see her today after all, if she is still okay with that. I am not exactly sure what I will say, and am more planning to follow the instincts of the moment (within reason ). Wish me luck! Will update later. Thanks again to everyone who offered support, or just read and wished me well silently.

(((HIC))))

This whole time I thought her kids were much younger. This puts a different, even more negative spin on things in my opinion.

Maybe the 16 year old was being presented with an award. Our PTA gives the kids awards at different points of the year for various things. Or maybe your T was being presented with some kind of award. Who knows.

Was the weather forecasted to be that bad?

Thanks, Outsider. That was encouraging to read.

quote:

This whole time I thought her kids were much younger.

Nope. They are 16 and 20.

quote:

Was the weather forecasted to be that bad?

Heck, what do I know? I have a life (sort of), I am not one to watch the weather. Unlike T, apparently. Of course that doesn't always work out so well when I get caught in tornadoes. We had some thunderstorms that evening. Didn't seem too bad.

(((HIC)))

The more I think about this "my children are more important to me than you" type of attitude, the more I think it's incredibly harmful. What if the client has sibling rivarly issues? Wouldn't that just be pouring salt into the wound? Isn't it the parents (therapists) job to make everyone feel important and not like there is a hierarchy? She made the commitment to you when she gave you that time slot. It's shouldn't be your problem that her children are more important to her than you are.

What you were expecting was reasonable under the circumstances.

(((Liese)))

Sorry if I seemed irritable with you re the weather question. I was feeling irritated with my T was all, hope that distinction was clear.

About the comparisons to their children, I agree that it seems condescending and in many cases probably irrelevant (at least for the client). I do not see myself as in competition with her children, and if she managed things better she would not need to see me that way either, I think.

(((Cat)))
Thanks for posting. I am glad you seem to see some of the things I do in this. I am not sure what T would find threatening about me, but she was probably annoyed at me turning the tables on her and playing analyst. Maybe it was an inappropriate thing to do. And honestly, I was doing it partly to annoy her because I was mad over everything. I do still think there may have been some truth in the things I said and that she could have been reacting to that, too. Hopefully some of this will be clearer after my session this evening. . .

Hope your appointment goes well!

(((HIC)))

quote:

Sorry if I seemed irritable with you re the weather question.

Didn't take it that way. I knew the irritation was directed at T.

Good luck tonight. Will be thinking about you.

I am sitting here reading this because my T cancelled this morning! She is sick, so it cannot be helped at all, but I still feel really upet and anxious. I was prepared for some difficult work today.
If I feel like that when T is sick, I can imagine how you feel when you don'y really trust the reason for the cancellation!

Starlight

(((Starlight)))
I know that feeling when a session is cancelled
at short notice. It does leave a horrible empty
feeling.

Okay, here beginneth my mega long update about the most intense, draining, and emotionally exhausting session of my life. I do not believe I have ever worked so hard. It was, I think, productive, but that was more because of realizations (catalyzed by psych cafe conversations) I made in the moment and took the risk of communicating than because of any stellar management on T's part. She cares, but I felt for most of the time I was dragging her along for the ride. Maybe that is okay, though. She seemed on board by the end.

To begin.

I was a nervous wreck by the time my session began and craving a little soothing and reassurance more than anything. Something along the lines of a concerned, "HIC, you have seemed upset. What's going on? How are you feeling?" would have been perfect. My T can be very gentle and nurturing, but she also has her spirited, fiesty side (also useful in it's place) and it seemed that was my luck of the draw for the evening-- a T prepared for battle.

She opened by challenging me on my "assessment" of her, and I responded by being rather accusatory and combative myself, at which she became all bristley and defensive. It was an awful fifteen minutes or so, at least for me. Think the tone of our email exchange but escalated quite at bit.

She told me that I was "just pissed at her for rescheduling and so was throwing a lot of psychological gobbledy gook at her."
Spoken like a true CBT-er.
I said that she had no appreciation for the psychoanalytic and symbolic.
She said that that was not true either.

I said, "Oh, T, look at you being so defensive. What do you want to be all defensive for? I am not out to get you."
"I do not think I am being defensive."
"It's there in your posture, your body language, everything. You are sitting there with your arms folded and I can tell you are thinking, 'I am not going to own any of this. I am going to make HIC face her stuff for once.' And your smugness is coming across as very fake."

At this point I could tell T was trying not to smile (you see I know she loves me) and she relaxed a little.
I told her I didn't want her to take any of this personally.
She said she was trying not to.
I told her that if I reacted to something she did, she shouldn't take it personally, but try to empathize with whatever was behind it all and to help me get in touch with those feelings.
Poor T looked a little blank at this point. I don't know how it was that we were missing each other so horribly.

At any rate, this is when I began to check out. I realized that she either had no idea what my internal experience had been like for the last couple weeks, or that she just didn't care, and there didn't seem to be any way to get through to her. I thought I was about to cry, but I don't really do that (have never cried in therapy and definitely did not want to begin just then). The feelings and the impossibility of expressing them became overwhelming, and things got all blank and fuzzy. I felt numbed out, and like I couldn't talk, or look at T, and while I was sort of taking in what she said it was like it was coming from a ways a way. I was answering her mostly in monosyllables or head shakes. I spent a lot of time staring into a corner. I even tried to read for a little while (wasn't really working).

This went on for forty freaking minutes. T was a little dismayed, I could sense, because I've never dissociated (if that is even what this was-- someone tell me if I am misusing the word) to that extent or for that long in therapy before. It happens at home somewhat regularly, after a conflict with H. Speaking of which, after about 20 minutes I heard myself say, "This is the point at which I usually apologize to H for whatever he thinks I did wrong, so I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the email."

T said, "Is that what you do when you are like this after a conflict with H? Apologize even if you've done nothing wrong?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
I happened to glance at T at this point and saw she was tearing up a little (which I don't really get).
"I don't want you to ever do that with me," she said very gently. "I don't want this to be a place where you feel like you have to apologize when you haven't done anything. I don't want you to feel like you have to read to avoid conflict. You haven't done anything wrong. You were expressing your feelings. I am not in any way mad at you or rejecting of you."

That was nice to hear, but it still didn't fully snap me out of it. T kept asking what she could do for me, if I was okay, if I wanted to process anything, if I could at all tell her what was in my thoughts, and I could barely answer her for most of it. Finally our time was up, and I pointed that out to her. She asked what I was going to do when I got home.
"If I can get home." I said.
"Are you worried about that?"
"A little."
"Because you are so anxious?"
"Because I am so fuzzy and blanked out."
T asked me if I could just talk about something, talk about anything.
I pointed out that it was late and our time was up. She said that was okay. I asked, "You do not want me leaving in this state?"
"No," she laughed, "I do *not* want you leaving in this state. And also I'd prefer if we could end the session on a better note."

Well, while I was in la-la land I had at one point been thinking wistfully about the forum here, and thought to myself that probably any one of you could have managed the earlier part of the session more sensitively than T had. I started to wonder if it is because we kind of live and breathe attachment theory around here, and if maybe T was not quite looking at things from that perspective as much as would be ideal, given my obvious (I thought) attachment issues. She's thrown around some of the lingo on occasion, but maybe that is not enough grounds for assuming she is practiced in treating attachment injuries, or even thinking with them in mind. So I thought, if I was going to have to talk about something, maybe I could feel her out on some of that.

"Do you know a lot about attachment theory?" I asked.
"I'm not an expert. I'm aware of it. I've done some reading and been to a few workshops." *shrug*
"Well, maybe you could tell me about those workshops and what you learned."
"Um, ah. The workshops. Hmm. Well, to tell you the truth. . . "
"You are going a little blank?"
"Yes, I am going blank. It's late."
"So. . . it's not something you think about every day?"
"No, I don't think about it every day. Some of my clients have probably had failed attachments, so I'm aware of that in a general sense most days."

I asked her if she thought attachment problems could be enacted in therapy, and she agreed that they could. (This conversation is seeming so silly typing this out, lol). I asked her how she thought that should be handled, what the therapists responsibility in such a case was. She said that was a big question! I mentioned that this could kick up a lot of anxiety (on the client's end) and again she agreed.

At this point I realized I was back to my normal self and fully capable of driving home, so I communicated that and she began to wrap up the session. She asked about rescheduling and I started dissociating again. She said, "It's okay. . . keep talking."
"It's late!"
"I'm okay. I don't need to be anywhere. None of my family is home this evening. You mentioned attachment theory. Is there a reason that is on your mind? Something related to you?"

That opened the flood gates. I told her that part of therapy, for me, has been needing to develop an internalized sense of her as a secure, stable enough attachment figure. I told her that the disruptions, plus some events in my life of late (things she knew about) had disturbed that sense, and that I've been struggling with this image of her as hostile and indifferent. I told her about dreams where she was physically injuring me or ignoring me when I needed her. I explained how anxious I've been and that the cancellation worsened all those insecurities. I said that I came in needing reassurance more than anything, and that when she seemed so bristley it made me a nervous wreck.

I could tell I was getting through to her, finally. Her eyes kept getting big. She said it all made a lot of sense but that she just hadn't been attuned the last couple weeks. She said she hadn't known I had been that anxious, or that I felt so insecure about our connection. She said I was informing her more in this session than I ever had before, which is probably true enough. She said she thought that I had felt more secure in our relationship at different times, and I agreed. Things just got thrown off. She pointed out that we've had "tussles" before and that I've always seemed fine with it. I've had to think about that one. Yes, it's true that we've had some lively disagreements about religious philosophy from time to time. That is different, though, not the sort of thing likely to make me insecure about our connection. I was surprised she couldn't tell the difference, but I suppose she is not a mind reader. . .

Well, we ended up deciding to move on into a second session, so to speak, so I was there for two hours total that night (and of course she billed me for both as I made clear before agreeing). She commented that this could be a pivotal moment, opening a new direction to go in, and I told her I was a little hesitant about her still because while I believed things would be okay if I *could* get through to her, I wasn't sure that that would happen without me needing to do a whole lot of explaining to get there. I didn't think she had an intuitive grasp or attunement to this stuff. She acknowledged as much, which was big of her, I thought, and we both said sort of at the same time that it could be the connection had suffered because of the long gap (it definitely has been better than this in the past) and so I am going to go back to weekly sessions, at least temporarily to get the relationship back on track.

Phew! I am so exhausted. Thanks for reading, anyone crazy enough to have made it this far.

wow, lots there HIC. It's cool you could prevail in communicating yourself even in the face of her not being very helpful. Even so, it's obvious she cares and was trying and very much feeling for you. I'll be interested to see where this goes in the future...

((((HIC))))

Awesome session. My T sounds like your T in terms of knowing about attachment theory but not really knowing about attachment theory. He used to throw around language like, I'm your secure base - but there was a part of him that feared dependency. LOL! How could he be my secure base when he didn't want me to be dependent upon him?

The conversation you had with her sounds like it really opened her eyes. I agree with you about the tussle thing. If I remember correctly, this is the first time you've confronted her about her behavior, how she's treating you and how she's affecting you - a little more personal than just a disagreement over religious issues.

quote:

She commented that this could be a pivotal moment, opening a new direction to go in,

((HIC))

It sounds like she gets it but as you instinctively feel, it might be good to monitor things just to make sure she is getting it.

The parallel I see between what happened between my T and me is that he and I (and you and your T) were floating along, each on our own planes and not communicating well about what we were thinking. The conversation you two had last night sounds like it's the first step in getting on the same plane and really starting to work together.

So amazing you hung in there. Ditto to what Cat said:

(((Cat))) (((BLT)))

Thanks, you two.

quote:

Have to rush off now for (dare I say it?!) a meeting at my daughter's school!

Say it ain't so! Lol, just joking. Have a good time! If you see my T, be sure to tell her hi for me. I believe she frequents such things.

Cross posted, Liese. Hugs to you too and thanks for the kind words. Yes, I think I will be cautious and keep an eye on how this develops. Should be interesting!

I was glad to read about how your session went. It is hugely brave to fight to be understood when you feel invisible and unheard. It seems like your T wants to be there for you, but is still figuring out how to do it and now realizing how much her own behavior affects you. To us, it might seem like a "duh" thing, but not every T might experience it that way. Some of them need some help getting through to them. I'm glad you were willing to do that!

(((anonymously)))

Thanks for reading and caring. I felt brave, lol. But I guess on some level I believed in T's basic good will enough to take some risks with her in spite of the freaking out parts. I'm glad her caring side manifested itself after all. That was really all I wanted. I agree that it does seem like it should be simple, but who knows. Maybe her other clients do not have these issues?

----------

Some general thoughts.

Obviously I have been thinking a good deal about the implications for my therapy moving forward, since as everyone who has been reading knows, I was feeling torn about that before all this even came up.

It seems there is precedent, on this board, for people attempting to train the therapist they want into the therapist they need. At least I gather Liese has done this, and TN with her Old T. Seems to be working in Liese's case, but it ended badly for TN, I know. I'm really having to ask myself is this is something I want to take on, and I am strongly inclined to say no. Right now, I think what I actually want is to get stable and get out.

I don't want an abrupt or premature ending, because that would destabilize me badly, I feel. But I just don't feel that pursuing very long term, in depth therapy with this T is a great idea, and I don't want to drift into doing that either. I don't think she would intentionally hurt me, and I'm not afraid of continuing with her for awhile, but I think the wrapping up and tapering off instinct may have been wise. T does get defensive, she does react, and while that doesn't make her a bad T and she's been great for me in many ways, I am not sure I trust her enough for that kind of experiment.

What I am thinking is, though, doing it very gradually, but having the end goal in mind of being out of there by 2014. That's nine months. (The length of a normal human gestation, cool symbolism, no? )

I have felt the need to reach some kind of decision re therapy, even one that is open to ammendment, and given the information I currently have, this feels like a good one.

Am open to any thoughts and input if anyone still feels like talking to me , but mostly I am thinking out loud (this thread is a cool thinking spot!) and thought I would let people know where I'm at now with the original topic of thread.

quote:

It seems there is precedent, on this board, for people attempting to train the therapist they want into the therapist they need. At least I gather Liese has done this, and TN with her Old T. Seems to be working in Liese's case, but it ended badly for TN, I know. I'm really having to ask myself is this is something I want to take on, and I am strongly inclined to say no. Right now, I think what I actually want is to get stable and get out.

hic... I'm really busy right now but I read your session report earlier and I was thinking the exact thing you pointed out above. It sounded eerily familiar to me... the part about you having to teach her what she should already know and have experience with. As I have learned in a very hard and painful way... you cannot work both sides of the room. You cannot do your own therapy. And if you are stepping into the realm of attachment you need a very consistent T and one who really "gets" what it's like for the client who struggles with an attachment injury. Believe me... you don't want to have to teach her this stuff and most of all... it's really harmful to have a T who gets defensive and takes things personally.

The other thing is that she seems to bring her "stuff" into the room with you and this contaminates the space which leads to confusion as to whether it's her stuff or yours.

My personal opinion, based on what you have shared, is that I would NOT get into any deep therapy with her. I would fear you getting hurt and it ending badly like it has done for me and others who have had Ts with no experience in this area. I think tapering off would be a better choice maybe over the next 6 months and then seeking a T who works in attachment.

I will try to come back later to comment further.

Hugs
TN

I agree with TN, but bear in mind you really can't try and train your T into
being the therapist you want. It sounds like she is a CBT trained therapist
and the training is completely different to someone psychoanalytic or psychodynamic
trained. Personal therapy is not required (in the UK anyway) as part of T training
for CB therapists and they do not have the same model of what goes wrong to
harm us or what is required to fix us. Transference and attachment theory just
doesn't come in to their equation. It sounds like you know the orientation and
way of working you want from a T, so I'd really encourage you to look for
someone who also has the same theoretical basis as you. It would be highly
unethical of your T to try and provide what you are looking for as she has said she
isn't trained in it and would therefore be working beyond her competence and
would likely hurt you more. Try to have a good ending and hope you soon find a
T who is on the same wavelength to do the deeper work when you feel ready!

Take good care. I really admire the work you've done and your courage in
addressing everything with your T rather than just cutting and running. I think
that really demonstrates your growth and development!

Searching