I feel like I'm on some sort of ridiculous pendulum right now, from having one of the most difficult weeks (in terms of present day stressors) last week to one of the best this week.

So, Tuesday, on our way up here, we found out that the bank will give us until my husband's payday on 8/31 to agree to the mortgage modification and pay our September bill. We may still not be able to keep the place in the long run, but it means we're not immediately in the foreclosure process.

We also found out that the insurance was probably approving my single case agreement that day, but I have wait to share until T was sure about the terms. Well, during my phone session today, it was made official. I'm approved. The terms are still actually a bit fuzzy, but it sounds like I get two to three 75-80 minute sessions a week. T was saying that they'd prefer three be saved for crisis, not on a regular basis, but being as he is only in town Monday and Tuesday and probably doesn't have room to see me in person more than once per week, I don't see that as a problem. The HMO will pay him $127 and I'll pay my $30 copay. I asked him if the time limit meant we needed to restructure the way we've been working, but he said he planned to keep the times the same, as he has been doing 90 minutes for most sessions since diagnosis and occasional two hour sessions for parts work. He wasn't charging any extra for it before, so he's not going to bother with the times the insurance will pay for.

One thing T didn't think to ask was whether our phone sessions can be covered. I told him he should ask, so I know what to pay and we can come up with a new schedule if needed. He didn't think I was paying him for phone sessions, so from his perspective, he planned on just giving them to me for free. I think his wife does the billing stuff, and he had forgotten I told him we would be paying him 1/2 for those sessions as I do not feel comfortable with accepting a session completely free. So...that makes me feel, he has basically just been giving me whatever care he thinks is necessary and letting me pay whatever we can and completely trusting us with it. Anyway, if phone sessions are covered too, we'll be saving $550 a month on my therapy alone.

T said we also get "family" sessions, 50 *minutes. Insurance covers $100 and we pay $30 again, so he is trying to find out if these can cover H going in by himself, as a lot of his work is pretty integral to my healing, or if I have to be in the room for H to be covered. If they'll give him the code for just H, then H will continue with him. If not, H is considering finding an in-network therapist, since he has no attachment to T whatsoever. If H can be covered under my SCA or finds a new therapist, we'll save another $200 a month.

It's good news for T too, because he'll be making $5 more per session for H and $32 more per session for me ($94.50 more for phone sessions if they allow those under the same terms). The major decision I'd have to make is what to do if they don't allow the phone sessions. Here's what I could see managing:

-If allowed, I could just keep paying T for phone sessions or at least pay him the $30.50 difference between what I pay him now and the $32 he is saving.]
-I could allow T to provide them for free like he has been trying to all along...but, I feel VERY reluctant about this, because he is a professional doing a job and deserves to be paid for his services, especially considering how much he does for me.
-I could give up my phone sessions except on really difficult weeks and see how that goes. I could only see myself doing that if T could agree to give me an early Monday session AND my regular late Tuesday session (as far apart as we are capable of spreading office sessions). I kind of hinted at that today in an unrelated conversation on how hard it was for me to do the day session last week and how I could handle it if day sessions were kept to present-day concerns, administrative stuff, boundaries, etc., whereas past stuff, memories, parts work would be reserved for evening sessions. I don't even know if that would work. Anyway, he didn't comment on it either to reject or encourage it. He kind of just echoed back what I was saying to show he understood what I meant.

Anyway, I'm so excited to have this SCA. It's an amazing feeling to have my T have fought for me to be able to stay there and not have to go through another damaging separation. He genuinely seemed really happy that it worked out, which felt nice. He also was encouraging me to journal (only as it doesn't interfere with other aspects of my life) stuff coming up that we should cover in session, since it is so helpful for him to track what topics are needing to be addressed. I haven't been doing it quite as much lately and while I don't plan on doing so more than once or twice a week, it was nice to be reminded that what he has said about wanting to offer me these things, being blessed by the work I do outside of sessions, etc. is really true. It is still hard for me to believe, but he specifically introduced that topic, so I guess it has to be. I did push back that I definitely want to make sure we are processing things in person, as proximity and making sure things didn't just get overlooked were both very important to me. He concurred there.

We also discussed a bit about some irrational fears I am having regarding my visit to my dad in a couple of days. For some reason, I have an unknown dread about seeing him and have been dissociating a lot as a result. I didn't feel like I could explain it all, so we left it until later. We also put off some really hard memory stuff that has been coming up, just because I didn't think I could do it over the phone. I was brave-ish and told him that it's something I really need to be close/in person for, to be in a certain configuration (i.e. not face to face as it is intimidating), and something I will need him to ask/encourage a lot for, as there is so much terror every time I even imagine trying to give even the most generic, intellectual description. So, I'm really hoping we work on that Tuesday night.

Anyway, I think that's all my updates for now. Sorry for writing so much and being a bit out of it. I'm just super excited that I won't have to leave my T and feel like maybe I am ready to begin some harder work now that every step closer isn't accompanied by the question, "How soon will I have to leave?!"

((((((hugs))))))) and love to all of you who have supported me through some rough weeks and months.