yaku, I think you are doing really hard, but good, work. I've not shared your experience, but I want to tell you I've heard you. And you are being very brave. That's super!

RT

Hi yaku,

I've spent the past 6 weeks talking about specific CSA memories with T2 (woman) and why I'm afraid to talk about it with T1 (man, same sex as my abuser). I have come home from each session feeling like I've climbed a mountain and am exhausted from a wounded soul. I am so sorry you are processing all these difficult memories and feelings and feel so alone.

Several things in your post sound similar to how I'm feeling - feeling warped, robbed, toxic. Words I've used in counseling are feeling dangerous, manipulative, seductive, etc.

T2 has tried to show me that those feelings come out of feeling responsible for the abuse, which leads to deep shame, which leads to feeling dangerous and toxic. Since I still somehow believe that I played a part in being abused, I feel tremendous shame over that. She said I will never be able to talk about being abused freely until I process the shame and fully accept that I was not responsible for it. She said I feel dangerous because if I have any feelings of warmth, I feel like it will lead to sexual activity, since that's how the seduction by my abuser started. It starts with trust and seduction and ends with pain, violence, and betrayal.

T2 has also been quick to point out that there is no consensual sex below the age of 18. All sex under 18 is violent and wrong. It's a lie to believe we had any responsibility, even if we tried to have sex with an adult at that age.

I understand all of this cognitively, but it's hard to accept when my entire life I have felt responsible for it (because that's how my immediate family and extended family view it).

Maybe you feel toxic because you feel responsible for the CSA in some way? I haven't figured it all out yet, but you are not alone and I'm right here with you in this messy process.

PassionFruit

Yakusoku, I know you've had to get up a lot of courage to deal with CSA and you've struggled a lot to get over the fears of revealing yourself to the therapist. I think, from my own experience, that your thoughts and symptoms do reflect accurately abusive events that happened, and are giving you hints along the way.
In my situation, my abuser was a very, very intelligent person, and I was clever myself, which meant that the torture got onto a sophisticated, complicated level, too. By knowing what suspicions I have for my T, I get reminders of the complexity I'm dealing with, trying to get over. Yes, I'm sure the fears you have about therapy are clues to what happened to you.
But, Yaku it sounds like your T is very good and strong, and this is a great opportunity to do all in your power to trust and be brave. 'scuse the poetic turn here, but I'm sort of in the same stage of therapy, and it's very exciting and scary in the same day.

Thanks, RT, PF, Sky.

Just smarting right now and fighting off perpetual terror. I want to cancel or quit. Not sure I can handle being in a room with my T after sharing everything.

Yaku you are very brave to disclose so much to your T. But I do believe that you have developed great trust in your T or you would not have been able to be that openly honest with him.

Your T has years of experience and has heard a lot from many people. He is interested in what happened to you only as a way to further the therapy and to help you heal. This is only information you are giving to him and does not change how he thinks of you. It just helps him understand on a deeper level what you wrestle with.

It is similar to medical doctors and gyn's. They see patients' bodies all the time. They do not have any thoughts of the patient other than on a scientific and medical level. They are just doing their best to help the patient and that is where it ends.

I hope this is of some comfort to you. You will go back to see T because you have a trusting and valuable relationship of care and nurturing. You will continue to grow closer and this will only help and not hurt your relationship.

Hugs to you
TN

Finally heard back on my appointment time. When I think of going in there, I have very self-destructive reactions. The only way I can imagine feeling safe is hiding in the tiny corner space between the couch and its adjoining chair and building some sort of wall at the opening so he can't see I'm there at all. (((TN))) it's so hard to believe it can be ok...how do I ever look at him again without fear of either his loathing or his interest? I could barely look at him as it was... Just hating me right now.

It's ok to be scared, Yaku. It makes total sense given your previous experiences. You've done a huge amount of work to make sure this person is safe, though. All of your parts, years of work. All you need to do is allow yourself to get to the appointment, and slowly you'll be able to establish a sense of safety again.

(((YAKU)))

Meant to respond last night because I totally relate to your fears. I sat back to think about what I would say and got stuck. I did feel like this with my old therapist, even with non- sexual issues like body image. Mine had a bit of a different twist because of my T's personality but I understand why it feels so threatening. My therapist was non responsive when he was uncomfortable talking about a topic and given his difficulty with love and attachment and my love and attachment, I felt the reverse in that I worried that he thought I was bringing topics up to give him a sexual thrill. With my new therapist who doesn't have the issues thank god that my old therapist did, I can discuss all this stuff and it is such a relief.

Sex etc is such a loaded topic that it would seem almost more odd not to feel awkward discussing it with a member of the opposite sex and/or not worry about some like of reaction.

It seems healthy to be afraid to talk about it for a lot of reasons but especially when you are starting to feel like you own your body after a history of abuse. Never having had anyone who respected your boundaries, it's easy to see why the fear that they might get a thrill out of discussing uour abuse. I have hidden my sexuality behind my weight because of my fear that I won't be able to protect myself. I am not some sexy thing even when thin but I think that fear comes with having been abused that I (we) are just an object on earth for mans gratification.

My new therapist and I have just started to discuss body image stuff. I thought I would feel so ashamed but she was so incredibly professional that my fears evaporated quickly. Your therapist is a good one and I believe you will have a similar experience. On the other hand, if you feel you will be hit by a shame storm afterwards, maybe you should put the conversation on hold for a while but I do believe your therapist will be as gentle and professional and wonderful as ever.

Ps. I wrote the above from my ohine so please forgive any sentences that just aren't complete.

Yaku,

Been awhile since I've been here, but just read your post and I can totally relate. First of you are very brave to take this step and it will (takes time of course) lead to relief and free up some shame.

The first person I ever shared my CSA with was my old T. I had horrible anxiety about it for months before I started talking about it. She was a female T and my fear (I think our fears of talking about it are related to the actual experience itself) in telling her was that she would find me toxic and not want to be around me anymore b/c it was too horrible for anyone to hear...like they shouldn't have to hear it. Unfortunatley, things ended badly. But my new T is a Godsend. In sharing with her, I have learned that my fears are based on what actually happened with females in my life and how they dealt with me during times of abuse.

Sorry to jack the thread, just wanted to share with you that no, you are not alone in your reaction and fear and feelings all surrounding this topic...you are taking the RIGHT step to get healthy. Hugs of support...

(((Yaku)))

I just wanted to offer some encouragement. I have discussed CSA (in detail) with my male T. One thing that I've realized is that a normal, healthy man would not be aroused by such a thing. My T, in fact, was horrified. Only someone with a really depraved mind would get off on that stuff.

One thing that my T has done is help me to see just how damaging and persistent my abuser's behavior was. T introduced me to a concept called "covert incest" - referring to a type of CSA that is suggestive rather than overt. I assumed that my abuse occurred in one isolated act. But after hearing from my T about how fathers are supposed to interact with their daughters, I see just how much of my father's behavior toward me was sexualized.

It has been so validating and healing to have an older man affirm the inappropriateness of my abuser's behavior. I think we as a society are conditioned to think of men as slaves to an insatiable (and often twisted) libido. CSA, unfortunately, reinforces this belief. However, the reality is much different. There are MANY men in the world who find CSA to be gross and inexcusable. I'm sure your T probably falls into that category.

I observed on a few occasions that my T would "light up" (intellectually) whenever I would get on a really dark and heavy topic, and I finally called him on it. He said it was because he knows how difficult it is for women dealing with CSA to open up to a male therapist, and he never takes their trust or courage for granted. He says it amazes him that women would be willing to take such a risk just to move past their pain. So on we go.

I totally understand your fears and hesitations, so I won't advise you on what to do. However, since opening up to a male T feels so risky, maybe trying it with a female T first will help reduce the anxiety. I do think it would be worthwhile to, at some point, discuss the CSA with your male T, especially considering how long you've worked together. I think it could be very healing for you.

He didn't read it. It's long, so I understand. I couldn't talk half the session. I wouldn't have been able to talk regardless. I could barely think straight from lack of air and swarming thoughts, so most my talking was unproductive. I did manage to indicate I was kind of scared of him, but more like him as a representation of half the species. We did a lot of talking but could not get to what I needed to be safe going forward. As a result, I think I may have just quit. I texted when I got home that I'm not sure I can come anymore. If I think about showing Friday or thereafter, I start hyperventilating like I did an hour straight in session. I think I might have gone as far as I can go. But my functioning isn't good enough to be off disability, probably, and I'm sure they'll required me to be in some ort of active treatment, so I'm trapped. I made decisions to be safe, but it's really hard having stuff in your head when you love your kids so much and are literally a human life support system for one of them. I started apologizing to them in my head during my session...and it made me cry, because I do love them and I don't want to let them down..I just don't think I can go anymore. Nothing there feels safe, not because of who the T is, but because of who I am. I can't acknowledge this stuff and learn to be close to others. I just cannot. I hope he won't be mad or think I'm trying to punish him for having to end. It has nothing to do with anything other than sheer terror that is simply too much to bear. And also some other stuff I can't mention, just bad ideas. I hope he will understand. I hope I don't let everyone down.

Oh Yaku, I'm so sorry. ((Safe hugs, if wanted)).

This really was absolutely the *wrong* session for him to happen to not read the material. I'm so sorry it happened and has left you in this place. You needed him to be beside you where you are and to understand what you are going through and be safe. You still need that, I think. I know this has thrown you into a very isolated and frightening place, but I'm wondering if you can still maybe put one hand above water and keep texting him. He is a representation of half the species, but way above and beyond that he's your T, who has been safe for you, and I think would do anything to be there for you and help you get through this.

Yaku, there is *nothing you can do to turn your T into a bad person*. You don't have that power. He is grounded, ethical, and cares very much about doing right by you and all his clients. If what is going on for you right now is the belief that you make people turn bad or hurt you, please know that that is a lie you were told, in words and/or actions, by some very sick people who did not want to take responsibility for their own actions. Please don't believe that lie - it is just a form of their sickness.

Hang in there. For hyperventilation, breathing in for two counts and out for four may help.

Sorry I didn't respond to everyone before. I will do so now.

(((RT))) Thanks for posting. You taking the time to do that helped me to not delete this thread and hear from others with similar experiences, so even if you don't have the experience yourself, your post was really significant.

(((PF))) Yes to all you were saying. I was literally told I wanted what was happening and was making it happen. I didn't put up any resistance and without going into detail some of the responses were really confusing to me as a kid, and made it easier to believe, though obviously now I am much more in touch with how terrifying and painful it was. I think the things that make me feel most toxic are the repeat incidents from others growing up and in my marriage, due to H's condition, and the ways it has changed my ability to relate in that area of my life. Right now, I'm feeling defeated and like "it is what it is."

(((Sky))) Thanks for the validation about my symptoms. Reading on that, about others who have experienced the same thing, really helped me acknowledge that this stuff could be anything other than something made up by my "sick" mind. Having validation from an actual live person, rather than an article, is helpful too. My T is good. Right now it feels like it doesn't matter...this is just work I can't do and last night feels like proof I can't face him again.

(((TN))) The other side of brave is stupid, lol. My reaction to sharing it was just...bad. He hasn't read it, but that doesn't matter. He offered to delete it until I was ready to resend, but even if he deleted it and I deleted it and it didn't exist anymore in a way that he could ever have access to it without a ton of effort...it still exists in my head. I wrote it down in the first person. It's like...it's mine now. And it won't ever go away. It's like I've faced what I am and I can't bear to be close to anyone now. You made a good point about doctors and especially OBGYNs. I'm seeing one now for the pregnancy and due to a combination of him feeling really safe, having a nurse in the room (and sometimes H), and dissociation, I've actually done more OK with that than the last few years. I really don't know that I can move forward with therapy at all anymore, and I'm just...in a terrible grief about it. It hurts.

(((Jones))) Thanks for your two posts. Obviously, the appointment didn't go as planned. I think, even if he had read it, I would have been paralyzed, non-verbal, and hyperventilating. Usually I'm able to breathing exercises, but this time it defied anything. It was like I couldn't force my body to do it for anything. Maybe because I wasn't terribly "in" my body as a result of the topic. When I did feel myself in my body, it was like my chest was being crushed and my back was so tense I was in enough pain to be nauseous. I've been more in my body lately, but this topic seems to be knocking me right back out of it. I haven't texted T since I told him I wasn't sure I could come anymore. I have only once ever said something similar, in our first year, when therapy was conflicting with my family's needs (financial, emotional). His response was to say we should probably have a closing session. He knows me a lot better now, so he may not do that. He'll probably just ask me whether I think that's the best idea, but also say he respects my decision. Of course, I know it's not the best idea, but I can't face it, much less him. I just can't. Whether that stuff is read ever, or not, I know what I am and what has happened and I can't face it...or, at least being alone with it I feel like less of a monster, because I have no choice but to face it now.

(((Liese))) Yeah, I've worried about my T imagining all sorts of things going on with me that are not. It would be terrifying to imagine my T thought I was trying to do something like that, rather than just work through my stuff. Yes, sex is an awkward and difficult subject. Maybe one of the more triggering things is that for him it's not awkward and difficult, because he's worked with a lot of people and couples on it for many years. I've also always hidden behind my weight. When I was a kid and teen and in great shape, I hid it with clothes. I dressed like a boy, or if I went swimming, I always wore a T or tank on top of my suit. I always looked much older than I was, so as a kid walking down the street, I would get the guys in their trucks whistling even if I dressed normal/conservative for my age. Or if it was Summer and I was wearing shorts and a tanktop, have things like a random guy on the train talk about how women dressing a certain way are just asking for it, don't I think? And gyrating/thrusting his hips while he says it...to a 17-year-old kid, who I guess looks in her 20s. Anyway, so I'm pretty used to guys being that way. I'm pretty overweight now, plus pregnant, but I've never had much of the, "Oh, I'm so fat and unattractive" insecurities. When I try to get in shape, mostly it's just another way of punishing my body. Also, I didn't notice too much in the way of typos, but I write on my phone a lot lately too, so I wouldn't have thought anything of it.


(((kmay))) Thanks for sharing your experience. I get that same thing like they shouldn't want to hear it, and once they've heard it, shouldn't want to be around me. I have other issues around females, especially about invalidation. I didn't realize how deeply I fear men, because my more surface level fear of women has always been bigger, and also started much earlier with attachment issues and rejection (physical, emotional, etc.), and possibly severe depression (post-partum or otherwise) as reported by my sister six-years-older than me.

(((Affinity))) You're right that a healthy man wouldn't be into that sort of thing. I have had a lot of contact with some pretty unhealthy individuals, and probably not a lot of contact with healthy ones, because I started using avoidance of close relationship altogether as a tactic to stay safe. So, it has way skewed my perceptions of humankind, both male and female. I'm lucky that the stuff that has come up from my father only seems very isolated. For the most part, the only way he related to me physically was sports, and carrying me when I was a very small child. The stuff that was the most pervasive and ongoing was one of my mom's many boyfriends. I think I'm realizing how I was vulnerable, and how I ended up being groomed as a result, and one of the hardest parts is that meant no resistance from me when the time came. So, it gets easier to believe what you were told about making it happen...when you don't fight or say much of anything back. T has vaguely heard things from me and a little more specifically from child parts, but I can't remember those conversations, and he has always affirmed how terrible it is and how it is impossible for it to be "our" fault. He hasn't given me a reason to think he would be unsafe. It's just a haunting thought that is there.



Sorry last night's post was so disjointed. Basically, the session went as bad as it has in a couple of years. At the end, I got stuck knowing we were about to say goodbye, and he would offer a goodbye hug (the only hugs we have been doing while discussing this stuff, because being remotely close is too hard with involuntary flinches when he even leans in during a conversation). I felt like...first, I needed to have it explicitly stated it was safe there with him, no matter how I turn people. I had a dream once where he took my hand and did this directly, years ago, and it was so relieving. But, I couldn't ask about this, because when I started to bring up the dilemma he indicated timing was it wasn't a good time to open anything up. Then spent another five plus minutes with me feeling, "OK, I need to end and get out of here" anxiety about how it was supposed to be over, listening to him talk about God helping me in my stuckness and dilemmas. The other part of it was, even if I could have gotten that guarantee from him, the one problem with him not reading it, was I felt like...now that I'm really aware of this stuff, I can't let him close to me until he knows it and can decide for himself whether I am a threat or a toxin or whatever else. That is the one problem I really had with him not reading it. I needed to be able to just...be close and safe and take that in a bit, but until he knows without any hedging "how I am," I can't do that. Part of it is shame for how this stuff has changed me. Part of it is terror that I really do make people bad. I needed reassurance on both those things to experience a safe moment, and I couldn't get it. And it feels impossible to get back. And because he brings up God in that place, it feels like my needing the reassurance is a problem, but I pretty sure that is a projection based on childhood JW stuff from my extended family.

Anyway, he just texted to ask for a clarification of what I meant. He used my name, which he does sparingly. He's done that the last two sessions and I cringe every time. ____ used my name too or maybe that it's like an approach to me, an attempt at connection, and I can't bear to do that to him...so I'm pushing, pushing, pushing away. He wants to know why this time is different and I don't believe I can get to safe when I always have eventually in the past. I can't make sense of it. I can't explain it. I feel like the best and only thing I can do is protect him. I know I need his help right now, but since I can't be safe with it...it's better to reduce the collateral damage and just be alone. Maybe that's part of the memory, needing people who couldn't be safe or who acted like my needing them was unsafe...and maybe this is just my default response. I don't know. I feel like I have no choice right now.

Hi Yaku,

I hope you're hanging in there okay. I think writing down what you did was a huge moment in processing what happened to you and how you've been affected. What happened and how you were affected aren't the same as what you are - what you are is a loving, kind, pure heart and spirit. There's no monster here, just a lot of hurt and pain. But I suspect that having taken the huge and important and healthy step of disclosing/owning history to your T and to yourself, you really need him, the person who knows you so well, to be there reflecting back to you who you really are, which is someone who is loved and deserves to be loved. I think it's really super important that he reads what you wrote, and is able to give you what you have identified that you need: to know that you are safe with him, and you cannot make him bad.

I'm hoping that you can hang in there and keep communicating with him about this until you have what you need here (what anyone would need in this situation). This transaction is only halfway there - it didn't go as planned, but I'm guessing if you stay with it, although it is so very painful, there is every chance that much needed relief will come.

Having said that, I know you are carrying a little one and how exhausting that can be - I understand needing to retreat, too. You don't need to protect him, but if you need to protect yourself, there will still be time and ways to move forward with this when you have some restored energy.

quote:

What happened and how you were affected aren't the same as what you are - what you are is a loving, kind, pure heart and spirit. There's no monster here, just a lot of hurt and pain. But I suspect that having taken the huge and important and healthy step of disclosing/owning history to your T and to yourself, you really need him, the person who knows you so well, to be there reflecting back to you who you really are, which is someone who is loved and deserves to be loved. I think it's really super important that he reads what you wrote, and is able to give you what you have identified that you need: to know that you are safe with him, and you cannot make him bad.

Jones that was beautifully said!

Yaku I agree with the above quote whole heartedly. You are not bad and cannot make anyone else bad. You are a sweet, giving, kind person and your T knows that best of all so you need to stay close to him during this difficult processing.

You took a hugely brave step. Keep walking. You and T together can conquer anything.

Hugs
TN

(((Jones))) (((TN)))

I am trying not to give up. I was in communication with T yesterday, because he didn't understand my "can't," so I ended up having to clarify directly to the point that I was having an intense desire to quit or schedule a termination session, and hopes that he would give up on me. Then I worried that it would seem offensive, after all he's given, my thinking that way. He just not to worry about such a thing and that now is about getting me through this time. I realized and told him that I felt like...I need to provide him an out, but he said simply, "Don't need an out."

I can't imagine ever being in that room again. Whether it's waves of terror or waves of shame. I don't know whether he will try to schedule a Friday or not. I know...I am not capable of quitting without somebody agreeing with me, and nobody will. Not T, not H, not anyone I have talked to about it. I always make right, hard decisions. I grew up having to do it. I don't want to do what's right. now. Partially, I just want things to be easy. Partially, I just need to punish myself. There is stuff in my head and in my body that is twisted by this particular abuse. And, since I'm hopeless it can change...sometimes it's like, "Then what the hell am I doing here wasting everyone's time?"

I'm having a lot of intense need to punish my body right now if the topic pops into my head and especially knowing how direct I was and that T now knows basically all the ways I was broken by this as a kid and in my marriage as an adult, which led to my accepting being treated a way I didn't realize was not OK (and neither did H, because my responses were confusing as hell).

I think, in the end, I might be avoiding one of the most "toxic" things to me, and that is my own anger. I can't really direct it at anyone, but it wasn't safe to have, so usually I get destructive if I have any at all, even if it's not toward another person. And I have these strong blips of rage at what was stolen from me...the ability to develop normally and experience that area of my life the way I was meant to, and how it has deprived or defrauded my H, and other people in my life I should have known how to protect. I don't want things the way they are but I'm stuck with them. And then I get rageful (in an at-the-universe sort of way). But I have nowhere to go with it, so it just makes me want to tear myself apart or abandon myself by quitting. Or else, I start to slip back into denial and remember things people have said which have made me doubt this stuff could have happened, whatever the evidence going back in my life to the age Boo is now, the age right after it happened. It's pathetic and confusing. It's easier for me to deal with the idea of being warped irrevocably from birth than to just be mad that someone did this to me.

...

Yaku,

I know this stuff is so, so incredibly hard, but I really think you're approaching a turning point in your therapy. Writing or speaking aloud feelings about CSA - acknowledging what happened to you - is a huge deal. It can awaken a stew of alarming emotions and hit the panic button on your psyche. A few months ago, I wrote an email to a friend laying out my struggle with my dad and what he did, and two days later I could barely get out of bed. Just seeing the words in black and white rattled me to the core. It was a rough couple of weeks after that - and a lot of processing with T.

When you begin to name the abuse and accept it as something that actually happened, you begin to realize that it was not your fault. It couldn't have been your fault. And that can be a very frightening realization, because it means admitting that you were totally vulnerable and lacked any ability to control the situation. The self-sufficient survivor's mind doesn't want to accept that because it assumes that if you lacked control to prevent someone from hurting you once, it could happen again. That's what makes attachment situations so threatening: it involves a type of mutuality where it is impossible to control the other person's feelings. And attachment makes us face this reality head-on.

I know it feels impossible at the moment to move forward. Just give it time and process the feelings slowly. The intensity will begin to subside in a few days. As AG always says, "The good news is, the pain won't kill you." Don't make lasting decisions in the heat of the moment. It sounds like you have an amazing T who can help you work through this. There's nothing you have to protect him from. The monsters are in your past. They aren't you.

quote:

I think, in the end, I might be avoiding one of the most "toxic" things to me, and that is my own anger. I can't really direct it at anyone, but it wasn't safe to have, so usually I get destructive if I have any at all, even if it's not toward another person. And I have these strong blips of rage at what was stolen from me...the ability to develop normally and experience that area of my life the way I was meant to, and how it has deprived or defrauded my H, and other people in my life I should have known how to protect. I don't want things the way they are but I'm stuck with them. And then I get rageful (in an at-the-universe sort of way). But I have nowhere to go with it, so it just makes me want to tear myself apart or abandon myself by quitting.

OMG. This. This, this, this.

I can't begin to say how much I relate to every word up there. I could have written that exact paragraph just a few months ago. Yaku, I promise I know where you're at. Just hang in there. It can and will get better. The good news with this happening to you rather than being this way from birth is that you CAN heal from it. You don't have to be stuck with the dysfunction forever.

Oh, Yaku I hope you don't quit. You've put so much into this therapy. I hope you will just be patient with yourself, and give yourself more time and sessions to bring up the scary stuff.

(((Affinity))) Thank you for relating. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I haven't been this terrified of my T...um...ever. And I haven't had this much anxiety about therapy for years now, so it's a bit overwhelming. He continues to be great, but part of me just can't believe in him right now, which feels...awful.


(((Sky))) I'm trying not to quit. I know T will give me all the time I need to actually discuss it in person with him, but it's almost like now that it's out there, it won't go away. My skin is crawling with being more aware of this stuff. I may have to do what my H asked me, which is to show up and be quiet as long as I need, but just to keep trying, keep going, until I get through this period.


I texted him today about some stuff coming up that we have an agreement I will keep him informed of if it's going on in my head. And from there, I just kind of blurt-texted why doesn't he just give up on me or get rid of me.

All he texted back was, "Silly one." I can't imagine him being able to stand being near me (well, that's not new, but it's stronger than usual). And what I need most right now is the safest person in my current universe to be there. It's almost as if he's not a threat, then the only other option is that he obviously can't stand to stay.

I wasn't sure if I had successfully quit or canceled, so I had to ask T last night, because I didn't know if I was supposed to be coming today. He said he assumed I was just processing and it was up to me. I said I think I need to come. I used need, because I really don't want to go...really, really, really don't want to have to be in that kind of terror again. He gave me a time and said he'd see me then, though no smiley like usual, which probably only means that he's busy...but now anything he does I will read even more into it than usual.

I asked if he was mad and no answer...I feel like he probably gets sick of the question and it makes him more mad, but more likely he was just busy or driving home or forgot or didn't notice it.

If my sessions start ending a bit earlier, it probably won't be about how he sees me differently now, but I will think it is.

If he sits across the room instead of on the same side, I will probably think he is protecting himself from me, when most likely, he is being very careful to give me physical space due to what I have shared and how terrified I am.

If he doesn't presume/offer a hug at the end of my session, it will probably be because I froze during it last Friday and declined it Monday out of fear...but I will think it's that I am toxic and he finally gets it, because my letter explained it in so much detail.

I really just need to go in there and remember that safe and close does exist. I'm afraid I've lost it forever, either because I will have made him withdraw in horror, or because I can never get back there...and will always just be stuck in terror.

So...no, I don't want to go. I know I need to. And I make right choices for myself and my family as much as I can. But I don't want to go. I want everyone to give up on me, so I can have permission to do it too.

((((yaku))))

I wish I could say anything helpful, I just think you are so brave and I really admire all you've done. I just wanted to offer support & let you know that

((yaku)) I'm thinking of you and hoping your session went as well as it could have. You are brave and strong, even if you can't see that in yourself right now.

Thanks for the support (((AH))) (((erica))).

The session went really well, all things considered. T couldn't have responded to me more appropriately if he had read everything I wrote here. There's obviously no such thing as perfection, but he offered just what I needed...time and space to express all my fears...reassurance that it actually is safe there...(cautious) approach to me and asking me if he could for example, put a hand on my arm, or ask me a follow up question about something...reassurance that I can't and could never actually change people or make them bad...and eventually, a much needed hug, despite knowing in more detail some of my deepest shame.

I kept having this, "How can you stand it?" (being in my general vicinity) question toward him, so we talked about that a lot. He said it felt like a little kid saying, "Mom, are you SURE there's no boogeyman in my room?" Like the truth of our relationship and his impression of it is so obvious to him, but he gets that in my mind those fears feel very true.

Anyway, I am in a lot of pain right now. As usual, being able to slightly connect and push past some of the fear basically brought up an ocean of hurt and maybe a tiny fountain of anger (I'm probably not ready for anything more than that right now). So, if I kind of disappear again, I'm really sorry.

I'm so proud of you, Yaku. These emotions will take time to process, but you've taken the first big step. Rest well, and hang onto all that your T has given you.

Good job, Yaku. You did great.

(((Affinity))) (((Jones))) Thanks for the support.

I've been avoiding thinking about the situation, because it brings up...a lot of stuff. But, T is working on the holiday tomorrow, so I will see him. It's nearly our four year anniversary. Our first session was on Labor Day four years ago. I don't really want to process anything for a while. What I want more than anything is to spend as many sessions as it takes to get back to "safe" in that room before moving forward. I really need to have confidence he's in my corner before I can face any more right now.

Hi Yaku,

I am so sorry you are having a tough time.
I am wondering, if your okay answering, if he talked about why he didn't read it? I know you stated he was busy, but did that come from him? Or just your assumption?
Jones is correct about the hyperventilating and counting..it truly helps. Does he notice when you are hyperventilating and try to talk you through it? Not only does it make it so you can't concentrate but you can actually pass out from it, so I hope he is aware. I am sending safe
's

Hi, (((Kmay))). Thanks for replying. My T did say he had a busy weekend and hadn't gotten around to it yet. I knew ahead of time it was a possibility and specifically asked when I sent it that he tell me at the beginning of the session the status, so I wouldn't worry about it. I just didn't anticipate how hard it would be knowing it was hanging out there. He offered to read it then and there, but I couldn't handle being in the room while he did. As for the breathing, ibalready have counting exercises I do that usually work, but I literally could not regulate it at all this time. My T did try to help me take slower, deeper breaths, but I just...couldn't. It's like my body wasn't listening to anything. I was having a lot of spasms too, from terror, which does happen sometimes, but not to that extent in the past.

Anyway, I'm doing kind of ok, but I have had to put it all away to deal with being around people the last few days. Last night's session didn't go well, because it felt like I disappointed my T struggling with some denial and protective (of abusers) stuff that he thought I had worked through already. I ended the session in terrible pain and completely disconnected. He tried to joke me out of it as I walked out and I told him I just couldn't deal. Anyway, we're staying in contact, which helps, but I really wish there were such a thing as a do-over. I would have traded my Friday to have another one today to fix it...