Oh, Yaku I hope you don't quit. You've put so much into this therapy. I hope you will just be patient with yourself, and give yourself more time and sessions to bring up the scary stuff.

(((Affinity))) Thank you for relating. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I haven't been this terrified of my T...um...ever. And I haven't had this much anxiety about therapy for years now, so it's a bit overwhelming. He continues to be great, but part of me just can't believe in him right now, which feels...awful.


(((Sky))) I'm trying not to quit. I know T will give me all the time I need to actually discuss it in person with him, but it's almost like now that it's out there, it won't go away. My skin is crawling with being more aware of this stuff. I may have to do what my H asked me, which is to show up and be quiet as long as I need, but just to keep trying, keep going, until I get through this period.


I texted him today about some stuff coming up that we have an agreement I will keep him informed of if it's going on in my head. And from there, I just kind of blurt-texted why doesn't he just give up on me or get rid of me.

All he texted back was, "Silly one." I can't imagine him being able to stand being near me (well, that's not new, but it's stronger than usual). And what I need most right now is the safest person in my current universe to be there. It's almost as if he's not a threat, then the only other option is that he obviously can't stand to stay.

I wasn't sure if I had successfully quit or canceled, so I had to ask T last night, because I didn't know if I was supposed to be coming today. He said he assumed I was just processing and it was up to me. I said I think I need to come. I used need, because I really don't want to go...really, really, really don't want to have to be in that kind of terror again. He gave me a time and said he'd see me then, though no smiley like usual, which probably only means that he's busy...but now anything he does I will read even more into it than usual.

I asked if he was mad and no answer...I feel like he probably gets sick of the question and it makes him more mad, but more likely he was just busy or driving home or forgot or didn't notice it.

If my sessions start ending a bit earlier, it probably won't be about how he sees me differently now, but I will think it is.

If he sits across the room instead of on the same side, I will probably think he is protecting himself from me, when most likely, he is being very careful to give me physical space due to what I have shared and how terrified I am.

If he doesn't presume/offer a hug at the end of my session, it will probably be because I froze during it last Friday and declined it Monday out of fear...but I will think it's that I am toxic and he finally gets it, because my letter explained it in so much detail.

I really just need to go in there and remember that safe and close does exist. I'm afraid I've lost it forever, either because I will have made him withdraw in horror, or because I can never get back there...and will always just be stuck in terror.

So...no, I don't want to go. I know I need to. And I make right choices for myself and my family as much as I can. But I don't want to go. I want everyone to give up on me, so I can have permission to do it too.

((((yaku))))

I wish I could say anything helpful, I just think you are so brave and I really admire all you've done. I just wanted to offer support & let you know that

((yaku)) I'm thinking of you and hoping your session went as well as it could have. You are brave and strong, even if you can't see that in yourself right now.

Thanks for the support (((AH))) (((erica))).

The session went really well, all things considered. T couldn't have responded to me more appropriately if he had read everything I wrote here. There's obviously no such thing as perfection, but he offered just what I needed...time and space to express all my fears...reassurance that it actually is safe there...(cautious) approach to me and asking me if he could for example, put a hand on my arm, or ask me a follow up question about something...reassurance that I can't and could never actually change people or make them bad...and eventually, a much needed hug, despite knowing in more detail some of my deepest shame.

I kept having this, "How can you stand it?" (being in my general vicinity) question toward him, so we talked about that a lot. He said it felt like a little kid saying, "Mom, are you SURE there's no boogeyman in my room?" Like the truth of our relationship and his impression of it is so obvious to him, but he gets that in my mind those fears feel very true.

Anyway, I am in a lot of pain right now. As usual, being able to slightly connect and push past some of the fear basically brought up an ocean of hurt and maybe a tiny fountain of anger (I'm probably not ready for anything more than that right now). So, if I kind of disappear again, I'm really sorry.

I'm so proud of you, Yaku. These emotions will take time to process, but you've taken the first big step. Rest well, and hang onto all that your T has given you.

Good job, Yaku. You did great.

(((Affinity))) (((Jones))) Thanks for the support.

I've been avoiding thinking about the situation, because it brings up...a lot of stuff. But, T is working on the holiday tomorrow, so I will see him. It's nearly our four year anniversary. Our first session was on Labor Day four years ago. I don't really want to process anything for a while. What I want more than anything is to spend as many sessions as it takes to get back to "safe" in that room before moving forward. I really need to have confidence he's in my corner before I can face any more right now.

Hi Yaku,

I am so sorry you are having a tough time.
I am wondering, if your okay answering, if he talked about why he didn't read it? I know you stated he was busy, but did that come from him? Or just your assumption?
Jones is correct about the hyperventilating and counting..it truly helps. Does he notice when you are hyperventilating and try to talk you through it? Not only does it make it so you can't concentrate but you can actually pass out from it, so I hope he is aware. I am sending safe
's

Hi, (((Kmay))). Thanks for replying. My T did say he had a busy weekend and hadn't gotten around to it yet. I knew ahead of time it was a possibility and specifically asked when I sent it that he tell me at the beginning of the session the status, so I wouldn't worry about it. I just didn't anticipate how hard it would be knowing it was hanging out there. He offered to read it then and there, but I couldn't handle being in the room while he did. As for the breathing, ibalready have counting exercises I do that usually work, but I literally could not regulate it at all this time. My T did try to help me take slower, deeper breaths, but I just...couldn't. It's like my body wasn't listening to anything. I was having a lot of spasms too, from terror, which does happen sometimes, but not to that extent in the past.

Anyway, I'm doing kind of ok, but I have had to put it all away to deal with being around people the last few days. Last night's session didn't go well, because it felt like I disappointed my T struggling with some denial and protective (of abusers) stuff that he thought I had worked through already. I ended the session in terrible pain and completely disconnected. He tried to joke me out of it as I walked out and I told him I just couldn't deal. Anyway, we're staying in contact, which helps, but I really wish there were such a thing as a do-over. I would have traded my Friday to have another one today to fix it...