I know I haven't written much in a while.
Things have been interesting for me lately in both therapy and life.
A couple months ago, I was having one of my really bad existential crises and suffering pretty bad SU thoughts. Life was feeling incredibly meaningless to me. Part of me wanted to die, but I made a bargain to myself. I would spend the next three months diving into working on goals that mattered to me, even if they seemed scary or too difficult. Then if I still felt the same after three months, I would allow myself to consider my other options. And something amazing happened. Almost right away, I started to feel different. I started to be able accept that life was hard and miserable and felt meaningless at times, and even to lean into those feelings, and still keep going. I still feel overwhelmed, lost, inadequate, angry, sad, and terrified quite often, but I rarely feel as empty as I did before. Instead, I feel very much alive.
H and I seem to be on the upswing again after being in a rough place a month or so ago. H is making a real effort to work on his anger and anxiety, and has actually started seeing a personal trainer, which I am really excited about.
I've been getting involved in a community garden near me, which makes me SUPER excited as I've wanted to garden forever but never could. I've also been getting involved in some different environmental activism groups. My feelings about global environmental issues, especially climate change, have actually been big issues in therapy. Because of my educational background, I am much more aware of these things than some people, and I know how dire the situation is at present. So getting involved in doing something about it, even though it feels hopelessly inadequate, I guess is a big step forward for me. Previously, I felt so overwhelmed that I thought about killing myself when I thought about it, more than actually taking action. I've been reading a lot of work by Joanna Macy, who runs workshops for activists to help them deal with the emotional issues related to global and environmental injustice. I told T today that I would like to organize some workshops like that at my church. T actually said if I managed to do that, she wanted to know about it so she could invite people or even attend herself. She added, "unless that would be weird for you." I told her it was still a ways off in the future. Wow, I knew I didn't have a T with overly rigid boundaries, but I honestly don't know how I would feel about her attending a workshop that I was organizing.
I can tell I've gotten to a different phase of therapy than I was in before. So many things have changed. I know a lot of my therapy was overshadowed by my ex-mentor and all the things she said to shame me after she turned on me. I think I've finally gotten past all of that. Last week, T and I went outside and I threw my signed copy of M's book in the dumpster, then gave T a big high five. It was probably my favorite moment in therapy to date. Now when I think of all the hurtful things M said to me, I don't feel the sting of it any more. I just remember how satisfying it felt to be with T and chuck that book in the trash and walk away from it
I've gotten able to express my feelings towards T more openly. I haven't used the "L" word yet, but today for the first time in almost a year I finally hugged her. It felt OK and normal, not too overwhelming. I am glad I waited until I was ready, though. Last week I asked her if she knew I really appreciated her. She said yes and reminded me of the gift I gave her earlier, which she said was really special (it was a piece of a really old glass bottle I found in a river I love, with the words "where have you been all my life?" glued to it). I asked her if she knew even before that and she said yes. Then I asked if she knew the real reason why I had borrowed her slinky (which I used as a transitional object for a while, but we never discussed that I wanted it for that purpose.) She very tenderly said "yes, I did." I guess it was good to have that out there. Today I said I thought I was ready to start seeing her every other week starting after Christmas, and that it felt bittersweet. She talked about how small children start to venture farther from their mothers while still checking back periodically, and how that is bittersweet for both the mom and the child. I knew she meant it's bittersweet for her too to watch clients get better and venture out into the world. It's not that I don't need her any more. It's more that I can hold on to her in my heart without needing her to be physically present as much.
A while ago I loaned T a book called "Living with Intensity" about the psychology of gifted children and adults. It was something I related to a lot. T not only read some of the book, she took it home and she keeps forgetting to bring it back! I was touched that she was so interested in getting to know and understand that side of me. I still want my book back though, lol
Overall, I feel so blessed to have T and everything else I have in my life. When I look back at just a year ago, things were so different for me. I had a 9-day break from therapy with oldT over Christmas, and it felt like an eternity. I missed her so badly. My marriage was rough, I was not over M at all, and I was hardly involved in anything in my community. I say this just in case it gives anyone hope. Yes, things can change a lot in just a year.
Wishing happy holidays and much growth in the next year to everyone.
