Hi Abyss,
What you are going through sounds normal for someone who has experienced previous abandonment and loss. If we did not have the kind of security and love we needed as children, we end up with a "felt" experience of relationship that leads us to expect pain and we often organize our life around not getting hurt again (and in the process end up in a cell of our own making).
The truth is that loss is an inherent part of life but when we don't get what we need, we learn to believe that somehow pain is integral to love. So to avoid pain, we need to avoid love. But the truth is that pain is integral to life and love is the answer to that pain. That we move towards other people to face and survive the pain that we face, including someday losing them. But if you have never experienced that kind of supportive love, then moving towards someone feels like a life-threatening, dangerous thing to do.
Often in healing from these kinds of injuries, a certain level of emotional dependence can be necessary for a while to help us deal with all the unprocessed grief and feelings we never had help facing. As we fact those and learn to handle our own emotions, we then move through the dependency.
It sounds like you have a T who is comfortable and can handle how you are feeling. I would urge you to just keep talking about how you feel. It can talk a long time to heal and I know it is confusing and painful, but there is another side.
There are two posts on my blog I think you might find helpful:
What I learned in therapy Lesson 5 - The relationship of love and pain
Disorganized Attachment or Why You Think You're Crazy but Really Aren't
AG
AG,
Thanks for your kind/thoughtful/insightful response. I think your description of what is going on was totally spot on and VERY well put. It is basically on me at this point to determine whether or not I am ready to face these things head on with my T or not. This really resonated with me. The choice seems pretty clear- Either I choose personal growth or I stay stuck. There is no reward without personal risk right? I have a lot to think about. I just wish this wasn't so hard. Thanks again.
Thanks for your kind/thoughtful/insightful response. I think your description of what is going on was totally spot on and VERY well put. It is basically on me at this point to determine whether or not I am ready to face these things head on with my T or not. This really resonated with me. The choice seems pretty clear- Either I choose personal growth or I stay stuck. There is no reward without personal risk right? I have a lot to think about. I just wish this wasn't so hard. Thanks again.
Hi Liese, big hugs to you too!! Thanks for your comments. Since my post the plot has thickened. My T has referred me to a P to investigate my so-called attachment disorder. I'm having difficulty making sense of it. Maybe I should drop therapy altogether, although I would like to prove to T that the investigation with a P will prove fruitless. Any thoughts from you or anyone would be great.
I am reading your posts, and many of the other posts, and I keep reading my story over and over again. Good, I am not the only one with these feelings. Even some of the actions people have taken I have done. I have had eroticised transference with two therapists one a man, and my current shrink, a woman! I am not even gay. I am married... to a man, but I have these very intense erotic fantasies with my shrink. I have been with my T for just over two years, and I have been obsessing over her and fantasizing with her for over a year. I had to tell her because when I first realized what was happening to me, I was attracted to my T, I had an anxiety attack. When I met with her I sat in front of her with my head down, and told her I was so embarrassed, and that it was difficult to tell her this but, I was attracted to her. I just spit it out, I had to. It was the best thing I could have done. Now these feelings are in the open and I can speak with her about how them. This revelation didn't amuse her, shock her, disgust her, or even impress, her she just listened. So my point is tell your T what you are feel. Muster the courage and spit the words out. I do not believe I am in love with my T, but that I have a crush on her. I always tell her i am attached to her, like a puppy wanting to jump up on her lap and let her pet me. However, I do want more. I hope this is helpful to anyone who is still struggling with telling there T they are attracted to them, or are falling in love, or have a crush, or just want to have sex with them.
quote:Originally posted by Snape:
I am reading your posts, and many of the other posts, and I keep reading my story over and over again. Good, I am not the only one with these feelings. Even some of the actions people have taken I have done. I have had eroticised transference with two therapists one a man, and my current shrink, a woman! I am not even gay. I am married... to a man, but I have these very intense erotic fantasies with my shrink. I have been with my T for just over two years, and I have been obsessing over her and fantasizing with her for over a year. I had to tell her because when I first realized what was happening to me, I was attracted to my T, I had an anxiety attack. When I met with her I sat in front of her with my head down, and told her I was so embarrassed, and that it was difficult to tell her this but, I was attracted to her. I just spit it out, I had to. It was the best thing I could have done. Now these feelings are in the open and I can speak with her about how them. This revelation didn't amuse her, shock her, disgust her, or even impress, her she just listened. So my point is tell your T what you are feel. Muster the courage and spit the words out. I do not believe I am in love with my T, but that I have a crush on her. I always tell her i am attached to her, like a puppy wanting to jump up on her lap and let her pet me. However, I do want more. I hope this is helpful to anyone who is still struggling with telling there T they are attracted to them, or are falling in love, or have a crush, or just want to have sex with them.
You are soooo brave for telling your T! And your description of the puppy is pretty much on target! I guess it is just pride for me. I can't let go of my pride and be that person sitting on the couch so vulnerable and exposed in front of another human being. Because yes they are trained to know how to react to this stuff, but at the end of the day they are still people. Even the small risk that she'll have momentary thoughts crossing her mind that a total loser is sitting in front of her is too big of a risk for me to handle. Even though chances are she thinks that anyway deep down.
I had to tell my T how I was feeling, I was going nuts.
If I had not told her I couldn't make any further progress, because my feeling toward her were a total distraction. Believe me it was not easy telling her, I was shaking, and I thought I was going to throw up on her carpet, now THAT would have been embarrassing.
I am sure your T does not think you are a loser, I do not think you are a loser, it's like what my shrink told me, she just wants to be helpful. We are not the first to have a huge crush, attachment, love, intense desires for them, so don't feel you are unique and therefore, a loser for having your feelings. We all just want to feel better and that is what our T's are there to do, help us feel better.
If I had not told her I couldn't make any further progress, because my feeling toward her were a total distraction. Believe me it was not easy telling her, I was shaking, and I thought I was going to throw up on her carpet, now THAT would have been embarrassing.
I am sure your T does not think you are a loser, I do not think you are a loser, it's like what my shrink told me, she just wants to be helpful. We are not the first to have a huge crush, attachment, love, intense desires for them, so don't feel you are unique and therefore, a loser for having your feelings. We all just want to feel better and that is what our T's are there to do, help us feel better.
Hi. I have been seeing a therapist now for a couple months or so. Maybe 3. Been seeing her 2x a week from almost the beginning. I was sexually abused as a child and have recently surfaced issues to include questioning my sexuality. I too am very attracted to my T. I think she is gay. I love her smile, her voice and personality. I fantasize being with her a lot of the time. The fantasies include her being in love with me as much as I believe i'm in love with her. I know this is not a relationship that will ever happen. My T has it together. I get so confused with love, sex and attachment. I'm am very attracted to my T and know I would be if I had met her elsewhere. It makes me want to quit therapy and deal with issues in new groups I recently joined. But I feel like I'm running away from a big issue. I know I should discuss this with my T but am embarrassed and feel stupid. Isn't it possible that I am really in love with her? I feel like I can't take being around her knowing it will go nowhere. I'm also very lonely which probably doesn't make it any easier.
Hi Kmatel,
Welcome to the forums, I'm glad you decided to post. What you're feeling sounds very familiar to me, as I went through something very similar with my T. It's important to recognize that the feelings you are having for your therapist are very real. It's not unusual that in such an intimate and honest relationship feelings of love would develop and there are many therapists that speak of love as necessary to healing.
But the therapeutic relationship is set up in such a way that is can be very easy to idealize the therapist and we know so little about them compared to other relationships, that it is easy to see what we long for in them. Especially since for many of us, we are receiving a level of attention and care that we have never received before. So the feelings are real, but are also a reflection of unmet needs, and our unconscious ways of relating. Because therapy is about your needs, it is the perfect place to become conscious of your feelings and learn how you do relationships. Which is why it can be so important to speak up about these feelings to your therapist, although I know that can be very scary.
I also know that the pain of not being able to have what you believe you want can be excruciating but I know for me, that intensity of that pain was fed by the resonance of what I experienced as a child, of not being loved and not getting what I needed.
There's a couple of posts on my blog, I think you might find helpful:
Erotic Transference
Disorganized Attachment or Why You Think You're Crazy But Really Aren't
If you haven't already done so, I'd encourage you to read older threads on the forum. Many members here struggle with these feelings and there is a lot of good information and posts on the topic. I would recommend doing a search on "transference" and browsing the threads which come up. I hope you can find help and support here. I'm looking forward to getting to know you.
AG
Welcome to the forums, I'm glad you decided to post. What you're feeling sounds very familiar to me, as I went through something very similar with my T. It's important to recognize that the feelings you are having for your therapist are very real. It's not unusual that in such an intimate and honest relationship feelings of love would develop and there are many therapists that speak of love as necessary to healing. But the therapeutic relationship is set up in such a way that is can be very easy to idealize the therapist and we know so little about them compared to other relationships, that it is easy to see what we long for in them. Especially since for many of us, we are receiving a level of attention and care that we have never received before. So the feelings are real, but are also a reflection of unmet needs, and our unconscious ways of relating. Because therapy is about your needs, it is the perfect place to become conscious of your feelings and learn how you do relationships. Which is why it can be so important to speak up about these feelings to your therapist, although I know that can be very scary.
I also know that the pain of not being able to have what you believe you want can be excruciating but I know for me, that intensity of that pain was fed by the resonance of what I experienced as a child, of not being loved and not getting what I needed.
There's a couple of posts on my blog, I think you might find helpful:
Erotic Transference
Disorganized Attachment or Why You Think You're Crazy But Really Aren't
If you haven't already done so, I'd encourage you to read older threads on the forum. Many members here struggle with these feelings and there is a lot of good information and posts on the topic. I would recommend doing a search on "transference" and browsing the threads which come up. I hope you can find help and support here. I'm looking forward to getting to know you.
AG
Thanks so much AG. I understood this when entering therapy. In fact, when I chose my T, (I met with a few) I did so because I clicked with her and I suspected she was gay. Since I also have sexual identity issues, I thought that this could help me. Also, in a way, I think that I was subconsciously attracted to her. In fact, I noted this in my journal which I let her read every session. But now that I think about her constantly and it comes down to expressing these feelings, I can't. I guess I "want my cake and eat it too" and because I think it's crazy to let myself get so close to someone but not be able to be friends, then I decided that traditional therapy is not going to be effective for me.
Reading your posts and the posts of others helped remind me of just why being friends/partners with your therapist is Not a good idea. Problem is, there's the part of me that so stronly yearns for mutual intimate emotional, spiritual and physical contact with her. This is what I need most to discuss with her. I have been basically heterosexual and am attracted to men but every so often, I meet a woman I am emotionally, spiritually and sexually attracted to. It causes me much confusion and I have become aware that some of this may stem from childhood. However, some women I have met have struck a chord with me but in only in a nurturing motherly way. A different kind of attachment issue which just confuses me more.
Up until 6-7 months ago, I had not really shared much of anything with anyone. (I had alluded to some childhood sexual abuse with a previous T but it was a one-two sentence statement). I have become so aware of just how much the childhood sexual abuse and lack of parental nurturing and constant negative reinforcement have impacted my life in every way, shape, and form. I have so many issues stemming from so many sources that I feel screwed up beyond all repair. All these issues have surfaced with a vengance and I find myself really struggling. I have joined a depression group and an SIA group and have reached out and shared with other's. This has helped as I had never opened up like this before but it is still difficult.
thanks for responding to my post.
km
Reading your posts and the posts of others helped remind me of just why being friends/partners with your therapist is Not a good idea. Problem is, there's the part of me that so stronly yearns for mutual intimate emotional, spiritual and physical contact with her. This is what I need most to discuss with her. I have been basically heterosexual and am attracted to men but every so often, I meet a woman I am emotionally, spiritually and sexually attracted to. It causes me much confusion and I have become aware that some of this may stem from childhood. However, some women I have met have struck a chord with me but in only in a nurturing motherly way. A different kind of attachment issue which just confuses me more.
Up until 6-7 months ago, I had not really shared much of anything with anyone. (I had alluded to some childhood sexual abuse with a previous T but it was a one-two sentence statement). I have become so aware of just how much the childhood sexual abuse and lack of parental nurturing and constant negative reinforcement have impacted my life in every way, shape, and form. I have so many issues stemming from so many sources that I feel screwed up beyond all repair. All these issues have surfaced with a vengance and I find myself really struggling. I have joined a depression group and an SIA group and have reached out and shared with other's. This has helped as I had never opened up like this before but it is still difficult.
thanks for responding to my post.
km
Isn't it possible to not only experience erotic transfer with your T or someone else and yet be truely attracted to them, even if you they were not your T? I was attracted to my T from the start.
Kmatel,
Absolutely, your feelings of attraction for your therapist are real. You feel attracted to him. And there is usually some element of transference in all our relationships. Our early relationships with our caregivers formed our relationship templates and we apply them to any relationship we are in.
What's different about therapy is that the feelings cannot be acted on as you could outside of a therapeutic relationship but CAN be discussed in a way that might not be possible elsewhere so you can learn about yourself through those feelings.
I think I am attracted to my T in a here and now sense, but I also know that the unrequited nature of the relationship evokes old griefs and that the intensity of my feelings for him seem to be very driven by my past.
The truth is, though, that we do not know the real person of our therapist because they are always focused on our needs and attending to us which isn't possible 24/7. So we fall in love with this "idealized" perfect person who doesn't really exist. I'm guessing my T would look different if I had to pick up his dirty socks and fight about bills with him. So I think in therapy, it's best to take your feelings with a grain of salt, but in no way do I want to invalidate the way you're feeling. It's real.
AG
Absolutely, your feelings of attraction for your therapist are real. You feel attracted to him. And there is usually some element of transference in all our relationships. Our early relationships with our caregivers formed our relationship templates and we apply them to any relationship we are in.
What's different about therapy is that the feelings cannot be acted on as you could outside of a therapeutic relationship but CAN be discussed in a way that might not be possible elsewhere so you can learn about yourself through those feelings.
I think I am attracted to my T in a here and now sense, but I also know that the unrequited nature of the relationship evokes old griefs and that the intensity of my feelings for him seem to be very driven by my past.
The truth is, though, that we do not know the real person of our therapist because they are always focused on our needs and attending to us which isn't possible 24/7. So we fall in love with this "idealized" perfect person who doesn't really exist. I'm guessing my T would look different if I had to pick up his dirty socks and fight about bills with him. So I think in therapy, it's best to take your feelings with a grain of salt, but in no way do I want to invalidate the way you're feeling. It's real.
AG
Thanks. My T is a woman. Sometimes I feel so very scared. Panic, Alone. LOST and I don't know where to go, to turn. Very scary. Overwhelming feelings that I can't do this therapy thing and heal. I don't know what to do at these times to handle the anxiety.
I'm very sorry, you had mentioned your T was a woman and I said him instead of her. My own bias is showing. 
It can feel very overwhelming when these feelings are coming up. Part of the reason for that may be because it's evoking memories of a time when you were overwhelmed, panicked and alone. You don't have to deal with this alone anymore though. I would urge you to share this if you can with your T. I don't want to act like telling her will make it disappear; these feelings can take a while to work through, but it does provide some relief right away. And eventually the intensity and anxiety do get under control.
It's also ok to talk about here as much as you need to. People here really get what you're going through. I know healing feels impossible, but the truth is that you can heal. The way through is difficult but not impossible.
It can feel very overwhelming when these feelings are coming up. Part of the reason for that may be because it's evoking memories of a time when you were overwhelmed, panicked and alone. You don't have to deal with this alone anymore though. I would urge you to share this if you can with your T. I don't want to act like telling her will make it disappear; these feelings can take a while to work through, but it does provide some relief right away. And eventually the intensity and anxiety do get under control.
It's also ok to talk about here as much as you need to. People here really get what you're going through. I know healing feels impossible, but the truth is that you can heal. The way through is difficult but not impossible.
Thanks AG. I did put in my journal that I was researching transference/counterT and EroticT. Let her read my journal. She asked me if I was feeling this towards her and I said yes. We talked a little but got off topic. I have written what I want to share about my feelings for her at our Friday session.
This just drives me crazy though. All The feelings are so intense that I feel like I can't take it. The "adult" side of me, although a little confused, has it together and going from one extreme to the other drains me.
Thanks so much for your feedback. I never reached out before 6 months ago and I'm still learning and realizing just how much I need other (and good) people. I try as much as I can to be there now for others I've met and look forward to when I can support and give a lot more.
AG, You have great insight and written expression and I have learned valuable info from what you've shared and have found some comfort. I don't feel so quite alone. I wish you and all others struggling with these issues good human beings to love and support you, the endurance to see it through and peace at the end of the journey. I care. Peace to you.
Thanks,
KM
This just drives me crazy though. All The feelings are so intense that I feel like I can't take it. The "adult" side of me, although a little confused, has it together and going from one extreme to the other drains me.
Thanks so much for your feedback. I never reached out before 6 months ago and I'm still learning and realizing just how much I need other (and good) people. I try as much as I can to be there now for others I've met and look forward to when I can support and give a lot more.
AG, You have great insight and written expression and I have learned valuable info from what you've shared and have found some comfort. I don't feel so quite alone. I wish you and all others struggling with these issues good human beings to love and support you, the endurance to see it through and peace at the end of the journey. I care. Peace to you.
Thanks,
KM
I wish I was having pleasant feelings toward my therapist. Normally I walk out of there having a very strong dislike or hating him, as I told him last week. I believe that this is my transference.
I envy those who love their therapist...maybe I will get to that point eventually. I read a lot about erotic transference, etc. but I would really like to find more information to read about when feeling a continual strong dislike towards the therapist in the context of transference.
I think when one loves their therapist and can tell them, that is awesome! And it takes courage.
Kudos to those who have done it!
I envy those who love their therapist...maybe I will get to that point eventually. I read a lot about erotic transference, etc. but I would really like to find more information to read about when feeling a continual strong dislike towards the therapist in the context of transference.
I think when one loves their therapist and can tell them, that is awesome! And it takes courage.
Kudos to those who have done it!
hey TAS, i hear you. i'm not sure i can say i've ever "hated" my T, and if i did it didn't last all that long. i have for the longest time not been able to trust. i've been seeing him for about a year and a half and i'm beginning to feel like he's there for me, he's not the enemy like i made him out to be in my mind. we have some stuff to work through regarding all that, but we're getting there. i am growing rather fond of him. i don't have erotic transference and think i would just about die if i did. and i'm not sure that even if i were in love with him that i'd be able to verbalize it ... seems way too vulnerable and even on the cusp of weird (not meaning to dis anybody that's at that level with their T ... it says more about me than anybody else)
i think you're doing just fine, TAS. i do agree, though that there just isn't much out there on negative transference. take care.
i think you're doing just fine, TAS. i do agree, though that there just isn't much out there on negative transference. take care.
Hi TAS. I wish I can hate my T like you. It hurts a lot to love someone who will never love you back the way you do. I am 18 and my T is just my teacher. I have never been in love before. (in my country the boys and girls relationship is quite conservative) my teacher doesn’t know transference. He is just helping me out with my depression as a friend. So there is no way I can tell him I love him. It will just scare him away and the last thing I can afford is to lose him. I want to stay with him forever and the only way to do is to be his friend. The way I stopped talking to him last year is probably confusing him already. And last week, in an overwhelming desire to get close to him, I did something extremely stupid: I wrote a letter to him, talking how grateful I am for him for saving my life, and a tone of other bullshit like “you are the most important person in my life” ,”I can die for you”. I don’t know why I have written things like that. he hasn’t reply and I don’t have a chance to meet him since the stupid letter. He is a wise man. I am sure that now he knows everything and now I have lost him forever. I wish my letter hasn’t caused him much trouble. I don’t know. I can’t bring myself to think about it. Now I just hope my transference will end soon. That soon I will find a proper boyfriend who is my classmate and not my teacher nor therapist. The “T”s are driving me mad. What can I do?
Hi Again AG,
it's me again, kmatel. I shared my feelings with my T per your advise. In fact I shared to the point that I let her read my posts here on psych cafe. She was very glad I did and she reinforced a lot that I read here in psych cafe.
This was an important step I needed to take in order to not only developing trust with my T but also to begin to deal with the confused mixed-up feelings regarding attachment, love, anger, need, sex, etc. resulting from childhood.
This was a big and difficult step but once I made up my mind to take it I was not so afraid. I think I'm also learning to accept myself more and not care so much about what other people think.
Plus, I don't want to take forever to get to the point where I feel healed. I know it's a process and I don't expect to be all better overnight. But the more I can do/share with my T and the more I allow her to help me, the faster I can reach my goal.
If I can heal, learn and evolve and hopefully find someone to share my life with, and feel even half of what I feel for my T, it would be worth all the pain, fear and embarrassment 100 times over.
My T also shared a little with me which was very important to me. I'm not sure if I would have shared all that I did with her had she not responded to my questions openly and honestly.
I have learned a lot from you and other individuals on this site. It's such an excellent resource that gives good, sound advise and great support. The help I received here has provided me with great info and has enabled me to take steps necessary for growth and self discovery. Thanks for your help.
km
it's me again, kmatel. I shared my feelings with my T per your advise. In fact I shared to the point that I let her read my posts here on psych cafe. She was very glad I did and she reinforced a lot that I read here in psych cafe.
This was an important step I needed to take in order to not only developing trust with my T but also to begin to deal with the confused mixed-up feelings regarding attachment, love, anger, need, sex, etc. resulting from childhood.
This was a big and difficult step but once I made up my mind to take it I was not so afraid. I think I'm also learning to accept myself more and not care so much about what other people think.
Plus, I don't want to take forever to get to the point where I feel healed. I know it's a process and I don't expect to be all better overnight. But the more I can do/share with my T and the more I allow her to help me, the faster I can reach my goal.
If I can heal, learn and evolve and hopefully find someone to share my life with, and feel even half of what I feel for my T, it would be worth all the pain, fear and embarrassment 100 times over.
My T also shared a little with me which was very important to me. I'm not sure if I would have shared all that I did with her had she not responded to my questions openly and honestly.
I have learned a lot from you and other individuals on this site. It's such an excellent resource that gives good, sound advise and great support. The help I received here has provided me with great info and has enabled me to take steps necessary for growth and self discovery. Thanks for your help.
km
Hi,
welcome everybody, i'm new to the forum, but i wanted to start directly in here (transference), as it is so much exactly this what made me struggle in my relation to my therapist.
we knew each other from childhood on, nowadays she and me are 30years old, she got a master in neuroscience and a diploma of psychology.
i had some depression during a struggling time, last year (needed some month to find an new job, broke up my privat relation to my partner, had problems inbetween my family),
she(my therapist) was there during these hard days, we've had mostly online sessions (skype, facebook, icq, ..), and she did so much help me through this period of dark shadowy days.
i'm aware of the fact, that it is crucial for a succesful therapy to establish a strong relation between the T and me ("Research on counseling theory has shown that the connection to one's therapist is the most significant factor accounting for therapeutic change.").
but still, she could have told me anything about it, no?
and as we're friends for ages now, she should have tried to explain me on your own, (what she never did, i was told about transference from another therapist (our personal coach in my company), no?
all she said to me was, "at the end of it all, we still be best friends" . ..
as a professional T she has to be totally aware of the phenomena of transference and its counter effect, right ?
well, if anyone feels like me, out there
and if anyone fells able to say anything about it .. Would love to have your thoughts to it.
welcome everybody, i'm new to the forum, but i wanted to start directly in here (transference), as it is so much exactly this what made me struggle in my relation to my therapist.
we knew each other from childhood on, nowadays she and me are 30years old, she got a master in neuroscience and a diploma of psychology.
i had some depression during a struggling time, last year (needed some month to find an new job, broke up my privat relation to my partner, had problems inbetween my family),
she(my therapist) was there during these hard days, we've had mostly online sessions (skype, facebook, icq, ..), and she did so much help me through this period of dark shadowy days.
i'm aware of the fact, that it is crucial for a succesful therapy to establish a strong relation between the T and me ("Research on counseling theory has shown that the connection to one's therapist is the most significant factor accounting for therapeutic change.").
but still, she could have told me anything about it, no?
and as we're friends for ages now, she should have tried to explain me on your own, (what she never did, i was told about transference from another therapist (our personal coach in my company), no?
all she said to me was, "at the end of it all, we still be best friends" . ..
as a professional T she has to be totally aware of the phenomena of transference and its counter effect, right ?
well, if anyone feels like me, out there
and if anyone fells able to say anything about it .. Would love to have your thoughts to it.
(((KM)))
Thank you so much for letting me know what happened. You should be so very proud of yourself, it is SO scary to make yourself that vulnerable with someone, especially someone as important to your as your T is to you. I am delighted that she reacted so well and was so open to talking about how you felt and normalizing it for you. Being heard and understood by an attuned other is the key to healing.
I agree with you that the more you can bring yourself to open up and be honest with your T, the faster the healing occurs, but I am also acutely aware that people need to do this at their own pace, and pay attention to there own sense of safety. I know it is very difficult to be patient with the process (quite frankly, I stink at it!
) but it takes as long as it takes.
I want to assure you that the healing I have done with my T and learning to allow more intimacy and trust in relationships has spilled over into my life outside of therapy and no where moreso than with my husband. We celebrated our 26th anniversary this year and have never been closer. I find that I am much more open with him and that in turn, he really helps me to regulate my feelings and the reverse is also true for him. You'll be shocked to see the changes in yourself.
Thank you for the kind words about how much the forum has helped, it's an encouragement to everyone who posts here and it was lovely of you to take the time to say so.
But I want to give the lion's share of credit to you, as you were the one that had to walk in that room and face your fear. Well done!
AG
Thank you so much for letting me know what happened. You should be so very proud of yourself, it is SO scary to make yourself that vulnerable with someone, especially someone as important to your as your T is to you. I am delighted that she reacted so well and was so open to talking about how you felt and normalizing it for you. Being heard and understood by an attuned other is the key to healing.
I agree with you that the more you can bring yourself to open up and be honest with your T, the faster the healing occurs, but I am also acutely aware that people need to do this at their own pace, and pay attention to there own sense of safety. I know it is very difficult to be patient with the process (quite frankly, I stink at it!
) but it takes as long as it takes. I want to assure you that the healing I have done with my T and learning to allow more intimacy and trust in relationships has spilled over into my life outside of therapy and no where moreso than with my husband. We celebrated our 26th anniversary this year and have never been closer. I find that I am much more open with him and that in turn, he really helps me to regulate my feelings and the reverse is also true for him. You'll be shocked to see the changes in yourself.
Thank you for the kind words about how much the forum has helped, it's an encouragement to everyone who posts here and it was lovely of you to take the time to say so.
But I want to give the lion's share of credit to you, as you were the one that had to walk in that room and face your fear. Well done!
AG
Hi firehead,
Welcome to the forums! I'm glad you posted and thanks for sharing some of your background.
As far as your T not warning you about transference, most Ts are quiet about it for two reasons. The first is that it doesn't happen with every patient. And a really intense level of transference such as the kind most of us here deal with is fairly rare so a T can go a long time without seeing it. So if they say something and it doesn't happen, a person can feel like they're doing therapy wrong.
The second reason is that how we react to the boundaries and how we open up about our feelings is important information for both our therapist and ourselves. We learn about our unconscious beliefs and motivations by being able to observe, along with our Ts help, how we behave in the relationship so in some sense talking about it beforehand may interfere or taint your own responses.
I understand the sense of betrayal, and I don't know if this is true for you, but for myself, when I dug into those feelings, it was really an irrational anger that my T was not fixing me and making it better. They can help us to change, but we have to actually do the changing, which is really frustrating most of the time.
And forgive me, but I need to ask. Did you have no other resources in terms of Ts to turn to, such as being in a small community and not having options? A therapist isn't our friend, nor should they be, those boundaries should remain clear. If I understand correctly, you're describing a relationship which was a long term friendship, then you started seeing her for therapy and she has indicated when therapy is over you'll return to the friendship? There is a power imbalance in therapy because the client opens up and becomes so vulnerable that is bad for friendships and there is a give and take and sharing of needs in friendship that is bad for therapy. I wonder why it was that your T was willing to take you on as a patient since you were a friend?
AG
Welcome to the forums! I'm glad you posted and thanks for sharing some of your background.As far as your T not warning you about transference, most Ts are quiet about it for two reasons. The first is that it doesn't happen with every patient. And a really intense level of transference such as the kind most of us here deal with is fairly rare so a T can go a long time without seeing it. So if they say something and it doesn't happen, a person can feel like they're doing therapy wrong.
The second reason is that how we react to the boundaries and how we open up about our feelings is important information for both our therapist and ourselves. We learn about our unconscious beliefs and motivations by being able to observe, along with our Ts help, how we behave in the relationship so in some sense talking about it beforehand may interfere or taint your own responses.
I understand the sense of betrayal, and I don't know if this is true for you, but for myself, when I dug into those feelings, it was really an irrational anger that my T was not fixing me and making it better. They can help us to change, but we have to actually do the changing, which is really frustrating most of the time.
And forgive me, but I need to ask. Did you have no other resources in terms of Ts to turn to, such as being in a small community and not having options? A therapist isn't our friend, nor should they be, those boundaries should remain clear. If I understand correctly, you're describing a relationship which was a long term friendship, then you started seeing her for therapy and she has indicated when therapy is over you'll return to the friendship? There is a power imbalance in therapy because the client opens up and becomes so vulnerable that is bad for friendships and there is a give and take and sharing of needs in friendship that is bad for therapy. I wonder why it was that your T was willing to take you on as a patient since you were a friend?
AG
AG,
Thank you for your support and feedback AG. Now I just have to learn how to manage/regulate my emotions/feelings for her.
But for me, I have this problem with many things not just people and attachment issues. ex: a bad job/boss issues, trigger of old anger issues, feelings about self.
I tend to get "stuck" on the active intense feeling or subject. I play it over like watching the same movie over and over in a row! The big problem it that it is interfering more and more with being able to focus on the task at hand, such a work.
I don't know how to start changing this thought process. I think I've been doing it my whole life as it was my way of escape. I would fantasize a happy relationship or play out telling someone off who deserved it. Stuff stayed in my head where it was safe.
I think a lot of people in our society get "stuck". It's great if you are solving an equation, researching a cure for a disease or any such thing that requires that kind of intensity and focus. But if it's on a fixation that you don't communicate, or something that you cannot have-at least not in the here and now-then it can become a painful and lonely existance.
This site has been a god send for me. It's a great way to get some of this stuff out of my system and receive great feedback and support from fellow survivors. It really helps bring me back down to earth. I really want to learn to manage intense feelings and stresses in my life via therapy and other avenues I believe are powerful tools such as meditation, etc. because these things don't go away, they just change.
I don't know if you realize just how many of us you have helped with your sharing, quick responses, support and sound advise. Thank you so much! Be well.
Kudos to you and all the others helping each other to survive, learn and grow.
km
Thank you for your support and feedback AG. Now I just have to learn how to manage/regulate my emotions/feelings for her.
But for me, I have this problem with many things not just people and attachment issues. ex: a bad job/boss issues, trigger of old anger issues, feelings about self.
I tend to get "stuck" on the active intense feeling or subject. I play it over like watching the same movie over and over in a row! The big problem it that it is interfering more and more with being able to focus on the task at hand, such a work.
I don't know how to start changing this thought process. I think I've been doing it my whole life as it was my way of escape. I would fantasize a happy relationship or play out telling someone off who deserved it. Stuff stayed in my head where it was safe.
I think a lot of people in our society get "stuck". It's great if you are solving an equation, researching a cure for a disease or any such thing that requires that kind of intensity and focus. But if it's on a fixation that you don't communicate, or something that you cannot have-at least not in the here and now-then it can become a painful and lonely existance.
This site has been a god send for me. It's a great way to get some of this stuff out of my system and receive great feedback and support from fellow survivors. It really helps bring me back down to earth. I really want to learn to manage intense feelings and stresses in my life via therapy and other avenues I believe are powerful tools such as meditation, etc. because these things don't go away, they just change.
I don't know if you realize just how many of us you have helped with your sharing, quick responses, support and sound advise. Thank you so much! Be well.
Kudos to you and all the others helping each other to survive, learn and grow.
km
Just commenting on my own situation here briefly I guess just for purposes for myself and others if it helps. I knew 4 or 5 months back that my therapy is really about transference. In my case it has been about "re-living" quite painfully a significant relationship in my life which started out with me being so depressed and so sick back then and even recently feeling exactly the same...facing abandonment fears/attachment issues/dependency that just would not stop. Lately though just really facing it talking with my T and just how the significant relationship eventually I was able to get better I am finally just beginning to get better again...I read somewhere how transference can be used that way also which made the "lightbulb" go off in my head. Tempted again to stop therapy thinking I'm "all better" but decided that is not the best idea but keep on with the bi-weekly for now. Realizing a lot lately. Maybe the idea may help someone in possibly similar circumstances...I hope so!
Hello All,
I have been reading so many responses about transference. These are truly helping me with my own issues dealing with transference. I thought maybe I was crazy, but knowing there are so many others going through the exact same thing I am has been a blessing.
I have been reading so many responses about transference. These are truly helping me with my own issues dealing with transference. I thought maybe I was crazy, but knowing there are so many others going through the exact same thing I am has been a blessing.
Hi Lynne,
You are NOT crazy. I thought I was too until I started self-educating and coming to Psych Cafe. This has really helped me too! Other posts in other topics have also helped me so much. I thought is was just me but there are a lot of us abused souls out there.
The hard part for me regarding transference is that I believe my adult self is in love with my T where my child self is attached in a nuturing way. I have confused feelings with attachment, love and sex and am hoping to clarify these confusions with my T.
Hang in there!!
km
You are NOT crazy. I thought I was too until I started self-educating and coming to Psych Cafe. This has really helped me too! Other posts in other topics have also helped me so much. I thought is was just me but there are a lot of us abused souls out there.
The hard part for me regarding transference is that I believe my adult self is in love with my T where my child self is attached in a nuturing way. I have confused feelings with attachment, love and sex and am hoping to clarify these confusions with my T.
Hang in there!!
km
Thanks km.
One of my hardest part has been opening up to my T. I told him I have feelings for him, but we have never really gotten into any details. We both are working on the transference and my childhood problems, but there are times that I wish I could tell him exactly how I feel about him. It doesn't help that he loves to talk and talk to where I can barely get a word in.
I was also feeling so guilty for the longest time. You see I am happily married and could not figure out why I was having these feelings toward my T too. Thanks to this site I can see that transference is a common thing, and I have no reason to feel guilty.
I am understanding more and more that transference is being caused from what I lacked in childhood. That is someone who could care about me, listen to me, just overall be there for me. My T has done this for me. I just hope that my T gives me more opportunity to open up to him. I have a big fear that he is going to drop me as a patient because of my feelings being so strong. That could be a reason too as to why I haven't opened up to him all the way. He has asked me if I wanted another T because of my feelings. I think that would do more harm at this point. We have just begun to scratch the surface behind the transference. If I lost him as a T, I don't know if I would ever be able to solve the real reason behind the transference. I just hope it all works out.
One of my hardest part has been opening up to my T. I told him I have feelings for him, but we have never really gotten into any details. We both are working on the transference and my childhood problems, but there are times that I wish I could tell him exactly how I feel about him. It doesn't help that he loves to talk and talk to where I can barely get a word in.
I was also feeling so guilty for the longest time. You see I am happily married and could not figure out why I was having these feelings toward my T too. Thanks to this site I can see that transference is a common thing, and I have no reason to feel guilty.
I am understanding more and more that transference is being caused from what I lacked in childhood. That is someone who could care about me, listen to me, just overall be there for me. My T has done this for me. I just hope that my T gives me more opportunity to open up to him. I have a big fear that he is going to drop me as a patient because of my feelings being so strong. That could be a reason too as to why I haven't opened up to him all the way. He has asked me if I wanted another T because of my feelings. I think that would do more harm at this point. We have just begun to scratch the surface behind the transference. If I lost him as a T, I don't know if I would ever be able to solve the real reason behind the transference. I just hope it all works out.
Hi Lynne,
I'm experiencing a similar issue with my T. (Look for my other posts). I had wanted to quit because I told my T that therapy was not a good platform for my healing, I needed people who could relate, etc. I got honest with myself and admitted that a big reason I wanted to quit was because of the feelings of attraction and love I developed for my T.
I was sexually abused as a child and have confusions about attachment, love and sex for as long as I remember. This is one of the big issues on my list to address when I started therapy. So what do I want to do when the issue arises with my T? I want to quit.
I knew deep down that I picked a good T who could really help me and that if I quit now, I may never resolve old issues. I trust my T and my Ts knowledge, experience and approach. I had to ask myself if I really wanted to lose that. I didn't! I posted on this site and got some great advice. The general concensus was that the thing you want to face the least is the thing you need to face the most and that talking about and working through these feelings with your T is part of the process of learning, growing and evolving. I decided to discuss all my feelings for T at the time with my T. It went very well and we continue to talk thru it. In fact I even shared my fantasy of when I want finished with therapy we would get together and develop a relationship. I've come a long way being able to open up as much as I have.
As far as getting a new T because of the feelings you developed for him...I think it would be good to discuss all the feelings you have for him and that you want him to help you through this. Ask him if he can do this. Not all Ts are trained or comfortable doing this but if he's working on transference issues with you it seems he should be able to help you thru this.
My T believes in relational therapy and using the therapy to help you work through these issues in a safe and secure environment. I still have these feelings for my T but it's in the open and much easier to discuss and makes it more manageable for me to handle the feelings. Also, I feel impowered because I was able to bring it up and talk about it. I feel stronger, more self accepting and know that I am moving in the right direction.
Even now, when I need to talk about something uncomfortable and/or painful and I hesitate, I repeat to myself "Feel the fear and do it anyway". And then I do. This has worked for me. I make myself because I want, I need, to move on and get my head and life in a better place. I have my education and a good job but am terribly unhappy and I must deal with these childhood issues.
I sorry to ramble like this but I'm trying to encourage you to move forward and give yourself a chance. You can do this. I Never thought I could but I did and if i can, so can you.
Hang in there and feel free to pm me anytime.
km
Edited to remove identifying information.
I'm experiencing a similar issue with my T. (Look for my other posts). I had wanted to quit because I told my T that therapy was not a good platform for my healing, I needed people who could relate, etc. I got honest with myself and admitted that a big reason I wanted to quit was because of the feelings of attraction and love I developed for my T.
I was sexually abused as a child and have confusions about attachment, love and sex for as long as I remember. This is one of the big issues on my list to address when I started therapy. So what do I want to do when the issue arises with my T? I want to quit.
I knew deep down that I picked a good T who could really help me and that if I quit now, I may never resolve old issues. I trust my T and my Ts knowledge, experience and approach. I had to ask myself if I really wanted to lose that. I didn't! I posted on this site and got some great advice. The general concensus was that the thing you want to face the least is the thing you need to face the most and that talking about and working through these feelings with your T is part of the process of learning, growing and evolving. I decided to discuss all my feelings for T at the time with my T. It went very well and we continue to talk thru it. In fact I even shared my fantasy of when I want finished with therapy we would get together and develop a relationship. I've come a long way being able to open up as much as I have.
As far as getting a new T because of the feelings you developed for him...I think it would be good to discuss all the feelings you have for him and that you want him to help you through this. Ask him if he can do this. Not all Ts are trained or comfortable doing this but if he's working on transference issues with you it seems he should be able to help you thru this.
My T believes in relational therapy and using the therapy to help you work through these issues in a safe and secure environment. I still have these feelings for my T but it's in the open and much easier to discuss and makes it more manageable for me to handle the feelings. Also, I feel impowered because I was able to bring it up and talk about it. I feel stronger, more self accepting and know that I am moving in the right direction.
Even now, when I need to talk about something uncomfortable and/or painful and I hesitate, I repeat to myself "Feel the fear and do it anyway". And then I do. This has worked for me. I make myself because I want, I need, to move on and get my head and life in a better place. I have my education and a good job but am terribly unhappy and I must deal with these childhood issues.
I sorry to ramble like this but I'm trying to encourage you to move forward and give yourself a chance. You can do this. I Never thought I could but I did and if i can, so can you.
Hang in there and feel free to pm me anytime.
km
Edited to remove identifying information.
km,
We definitely have a lot in common. One thing you mention that my T never has brought up is the sexual abuse as a child. I am wondering how that plays into the transference. Does your T ever talk about that? I too was sexually abused as a child. I am pretty sure it plays a part of my problems that I have had with men all my life, but I am not sure if it plays into the transference.
I know that my T is good because of all the progress I have made with my depression, so I don't want to lose him just because I have this crush on him. I know that I need to open up to him more. I am just not sure how to do it. Whenever I open my mouth, nothing comes out about my feelings for him. I have thought about writing it out and then just reading it to him that way I don't have to worry about what I am going to say at the moment.
I know that I need to be tough and just spill my guts to my T. I shouldn't be afraid of him. He seems like a good T so I don't think he would just abandon me when I need him the most.
I even told my husband about my crush. I was really surprised that he understood completely. I was afraid to tell him in that I would hurt his feelings, but he understood that these things happen in therapy. I feel a little bit more confident knowing that he is there for me too.
Thanks so much for your advice and I hope we can continue to talk about our transference in order to heal.
Lynne
We definitely have a lot in common. One thing you mention that my T never has brought up is the sexual abuse as a child. I am wondering how that plays into the transference. Does your T ever talk about that? I too was sexually abused as a child. I am pretty sure it plays a part of my problems that I have had with men all my life, but I am not sure if it plays into the transference.
I know that my T is good because of all the progress I have made with my depression, so I don't want to lose him just because I have this crush on him. I know that I need to open up to him more. I am just not sure how to do it. Whenever I open my mouth, nothing comes out about my feelings for him. I have thought about writing it out and then just reading it to him that way I don't have to worry about what I am going to say at the moment.
I know that I need to be tough and just spill my guts to my T. I shouldn't be afraid of him. He seems like a good T so I don't think he would just abandon me when I need him the most.
I even told my husband about my crush. I was really surprised that he understood completely. I was afraid to tell him in that I would hurt his feelings, but he understood that these things happen in therapy. I feel a little bit more confident knowing that he is there for me too.
Thanks so much for your advice and I hope we can continue to talk about our transference in order to heal.
Lynne
Hi Lynne,
Nice to hear back from you. Yes, my T and I have talked about the sexual abuse. I told her the specifics of the abuse and by whom at my first session. At least what I remember about the abuse. I also told her about my confusions about attachment, love, sex and sexual identity. How a part of me thinks all men are pigs. In fact, I interviewed a few Ts and shared these feelings with them all. I really wanted to get the issues out on the table so I could move forward. It has taken me a long time to get to this point!
The sexual abuse does tie in with transference and Erotic Transference. In fact, it ties in with the depression, how you relate, how you react to certain things, etc.. It goes on and on.
One thing that has helped me was to keep a journal. It has helped me to really understand my feelings and reactions that relate a lot back to the abuse, being called dumb/stupid most of my childhood (funny because I’m a CPA now) and a general lack of nurturing. I also have a poor self-image and feelings of worthlessness.
I let my T read my journal each session. (most of it anyway, I don't think she has read my "Bucket List"). This has helped because it has opened the door to discussions about my feelings for her but also a lot of feelings and behaviors resulting from the abuse. It has also led me to be able to discuss my feelings/emotions with her directly.
I keep a journal using software, Journal 5. It's very user friendly and I found it to be one of the better journaling software out there. I also have a small spiral rung notebook. I usually use this to record post session comments and questions to discuss next session. It also comes in handy when I don’t want or can’t find it with-in myself to write electronic format. Sometimes I just want pencil and paper. I also let her read my postings on Psych Café.
Think about trying some of things to help you with your feelings and when you're ready, share with your T.
I am so impressed that you shared these feelings with your husband. That took a lot of courage. KUDOS to you. I think it is so great that he understands. It helps to have support outside of therapy.
I would like to continue to talk and share issues about our transference, depression and other issues that arise.
Take Good Care and Hang in There!!
km
Nice to hear back from you. Yes, my T and I have talked about the sexual abuse. I told her the specifics of the abuse and by whom at my first session. At least what I remember about the abuse. I also told her about my confusions about attachment, love, sex and sexual identity. How a part of me thinks all men are pigs. In fact, I interviewed a few Ts and shared these feelings with them all. I really wanted to get the issues out on the table so I could move forward. It has taken me a long time to get to this point!
The sexual abuse does tie in with transference and Erotic Transference. In fact, it ties in with the depression, how you relate, how you react to certain things, etc.. It goes on and on.
One thing that has helped me was to keep a journal. It has helped me to really understand my feelings and reactions that relate a lot back to the abuse, being called dumb/stupid most of my childhood (funny because I’m a CPA now) and a general lack of nurturing. I also have a poor self-image and feelings of worthlessness.
I let my T read my journal each session. (most of it anyway, I don't think she has read my "Bucket List"). This has helped because it has opened the door to discussions about my feelings for her but also a lot of feelings and behaviors resulting from the abuse. It has also led me to be able to discuss my feelings/emotions with her directly.
I keep a journal using software, Journal 5. It's very user friendly and I found it to be one of the better journaling software out there. I also have a small spiral rung notebook. I usually use this to record post session comments and questions to discuss next session. It also comes in handy when I don’t want or can’t find it with-in myself to write electronic format. Sometimes I just want pencil and paper. I also let her read my postings on Psych Café.
Think about trying some of things to help you with your feelings and when you're ready, share with your T.
I am so impressed that you shared these feelings with your husband. That took a lot of courage. KUDOS to you. I think it is so great that he understands. It helps to have support outside of therapy.
I would like to continue to talk and share issues about our transference, depression and other issues that arise.
Take Good Care and Hang in There!!
km
Km,
My T has never let me talk about my sexual abuse. It is almost like he thinks it doesn't play into my depression or anything else. Maybe he doesn't like to hear about things like that. I wish that he would because I feel it plays a role in my current state of mind. Do you know much about erotic transference? I have done a little bit of reading on the subject, and it sound like some of what I have. This transference to my T is not my first crush on someone. I think that my crushes are tied to my sexual abuse. It could be representative of my need to please people too.
I too keep a journal. I absolutely need it to write down my thoughts and feelings or I probably would explode. I never thought about letting my T read any of it though. Maybe I really should consider it. However, I don't think he would have the time to do it. He wants our sessions to be all about talking (or should I say about him talking). He tends to talk a lot more than listen. Maybe he will let me at least read some of it to him. I might be able to get out what I want to say without being shy about it.
Thanks so much for listening to me and offering me advice. I feel like I am learning so much from your own personal experiences.
Lynne
My T has never let me talk about my sexual abuse. It is almost like he thinks it doesn't play into my depression or anything else. Maybe he doesn't like to hear about things like that. I wish that he would because I feel it plays a role in my current state of mind. Do you know much about erotic transference? I have done a little bit of reading on the subject, and it sound like some of what I have. This transference to my T is not my first crush on someone. I think that my crushes are tied to my sexual abuse. It could be representative of my need to please people too.
I too keep a journal. I absolutely need it to write down my thoughts and feelings or I probably would explode. I never thought about letting my T read any of it though. Maybe I really should consider it. However, I don't think he would have the time to do it. He wants our sessions to be all about talking (or should I say about him talking). He tends to talk a lot more than listen. Maybe he will let me at least read some of it to him. I might be able to get out what I want to say without being shy about it.
Thanks so much for listening to me and offering me advice. I feel like I am learning so much from your own personal experiences.
Lynne
[My T has never let me talk about my sexual abuse. It is almost like he thinks it doesn't play into my depression or anything else. Maybe he doesn't like to hear about things like that. I wish that he would because I feel it plays a role in my current state of mind.]
I've been thinking about you and your last post. I am concerned for you. I don't want you to get "stuck" like I did. I had a previous T who bailed out on me just when I though we were making a breakthrough. She couldn't handle the issues. She referred me to someone else who was a good ol boy and even though a nice guy, we talked more about other things than issues. However he did help somewhat with boss issues and stresses I was having at work. I stopped seeing him because I didn't think it was going anywhere. I quit therapy for a couple years.
I started started again when after I broke my Jan 31, I started having severe depression while at home rehabbing. An aquaintence I met when at the rehab facility I was at for 2 weeks encouraged me to start therapy again. This time though, I did my homework. I researched and interviewed Ts in my area. I saw one who did not take my insurance but I liked her profile and saw her about therapy plus about a women's group she held. She was honest and said she didn't do the intensive therapy anymore but referred me to 3 people who did. I made an appointment with her first choice of the 3. She did not have any openings after work hours but I thought I can go during work hours. I met with T and got a really good feeling and started with her. She is great and I found someone who can actually help me. She worked 4 years at a non-profit org. dealing specifically with adults who were sexually abused as kids.
I'm really concerned that your current T has taken you as far as he can. If he thinks that the abuse doesn't play into depression or anything else then he cannot help you with what you need. It doesn't sound like he is qualified, trained, experienced or wants to help you with your sexual abuse issues. If he never lets you talk about it then he's NOT listening to what you need.
Adult survivors often suffer from a variety of symptoms that include:
•Depression
•Drug and alcohol abuse
•Panic attacks
•Self-injury
•Trust and intimacy issues
•Flashbacks
Check out website http://www.paar.net/35/adult-s...ildhood-sexual-abuse
[Maybe I really should consider it. However, I don't think he would have the time to do it. He wants our sessions to be all about talking (or should I say about him talking). He tends to talk a lot more than listen.]
Seems that he needs to do Much Less talking and a lot more listening and a good T will be interested in what you want to share that could help with you and your T with your therapy including your journal, pictures or other. I have shared both with my T and it has proven invaluable in her getting to know me better, how I think when I'm ok, how I think when I really depressed, etc. She is warm, kind and friendly which has made it easy to talk with her. She is a great listener.
I have been seeing my T since April. I have made more progress than in my entire life. Part of this is because I have a great T but part is also because when I started the journey to heal I promised myself and T that I would be open and share everything to help with the process. My T listened to everything I shared and only reinforced that what I was feeling was not crazy and a lot of abuse survivors experience the same or similar feelings. I'm determined to do this and move on to a happy fulfilling life. The issues aren't going to go away. They my reside but they will come back until we deal with them.
I have read about transference and erotic transference. The "ET" can occur whether your T is same or opposite sex and whether you are gay or straight. It's about getting the attention you need from one person and can involve confusion about love vs sex etc. I am not an expert and want to do more reading.
Lynne, please consider looking for a new T. At least look some up online focusing on one'e who focus on sexual abuse. I know you are attached to your T and are experiencing transference and maybe ET towards your T but he may not be what you need. If you make any appts with new Ts have a list of questions that are important to you, what you expect and need from a T and if they can provide that. This will also be good practice taking your power back. You deserve it and owe it to yourself.
I also joind a depression meetup group that is excellent. Look in your area, www.meetup.com. I am co-sponsor for a meetup group for Adult survivors of child sexual abuse. This is still in it's infancy though. I have also been attending Survivors of Incest Anonymous. I did not experience incest from a direct family member but this org is about any adult sexually abused as an adult. Look online for resources in your area for additional support. This has really helped me. I've learned to share my experiences with other people in a safe and non-judgemental environment. It feels good and I feel good and am growing and evolving even though I know I still have a ways to go to the end of this particular journey.
Hang in and Take Good Care of Yourself!
Karen
I've been thinking about you and your last post. I am concerned for you. I don't want you to get "stuck" like I did. I had a previous T who bailed out on me just when I though we were making a breakthrough. She couldn't handle the issues. She referred me to someone else who was a good ol boy and even though a nice guy, we talked more about other things than issues. However he did help somewhat with boss issues and stresses I was having at work. I stopped seeing him because I didn't think it was going anywhere. I quit therapy for a couple years.
I started started again when after I broke my Jan 31, I started having severe depression while at home rehabbing. An aquaintence I met when at the rehab facility I was at for 2 weeks encouraged me to start therapy again. This time though, I did my homework. I researched and interviewed Ts in my area. I saw one who did not take my insurance but I liked her profile and saw her about therapy plus about a women's group she held. She was honest and said she didn't do the intensive therapy anymore but referred me to 3 people who did. I made an appointment with her first choice of the 3. She did not have any openings after work hours but I thought I can go during work hours. I met with T and got a really good feeling and started with her. She is great and I found someone who can actually help me. She worked 4 years at a non-profit org. dealing specifically with adults who were sexually abused as kids.
I'm really concerned that your current T has taken you as far as he can. If he thinks that the abuse doesn't play into depression or anything else then he cannot help you with what you need. It doesn't sound like he is qualified, trained, experienced or wants to help you with your sexual abuse issues. If he never lets you talk about it then he's NOT listening to what you need.
Adult survivors often suffer from a variety of symptoms that include:
•Depression
•Drug and alcohol abuse
•Panic attacks
•Self-injury
•Trust and intimacy issues
•Flashbacks
Check out website http://www.paar.net/35/adult-s...ildhood-sexual-abuse
[Maybe I really should consider it. However, I don't think he would have the time to do it. He wants our sessions to be all about talking (or should I say about him talking). He tends to talk a lot more than listen.]
Seems that he needs to do Much Less talking and a lot more listening and a good T will be interested in what you want to share that could help with you and your T with your therapy including your journal, pictures or other. I have shared both with my T and it has proven invaluable in her getting to know me better, how I think when I'm ok, how I think when I really depressed, etc. She is warm, kind and friendly which has made it easy to talk with her. She is a great listener.
I have been seeing my T since April. I have made more progress than in my entire life. Part of this is because I have a great T but part is also because when I started the journey to heal I promised myself and T that I would be open and share everything to help with the process. My T listened to everything I shared and only reinforced that what I was feeling was not crazy and a lot of abuse survivors experience the same or similar feelings. I'm determined to do this and move on to a happy fulfilling life. The issues aren't going to go away. They my reside but they will come back until we deal with them.
I have read about transference and erotic transference. The "ET" can occur whether your T is same or opposite sex and whether you are gay or straight. It's about getting the attention you need from one person and can involve confusion about love vs sex etc. I am not an expert and want to do more reading.
Lynne, please consider looking for a new T. At least look some up online focusing on one'e who focus on sexual abuse. I know you are attached to your T and are experiencing transference and maybe ET towards your T but he may not be what you need. If you make any appts with new Ts have a list of questions that are important to you, what you expect and need from a T and if they can provide that. This will also be good practice taking your power back. You deserve it and owe it to yourself.
I also joind a depression meetup group that is excellent. Look in your area, www.meetup.com. I am co-sponsor for a meetup group for Adult survivors of child sexual abuse. This is still in it's infancy though. I have also been attending Survivors of Incest Anonymous. I did not experience incest from a direct family member but this org is about any adult sexually abused as an adult. Look online for resources in your area for additional support. This has really helped me. I've learned to share my experiences with other people in a safe and non-judgemental environment. It feels good and I feel good and am growing and evolving even though I know I still have a ways to go to the end of this particular journey.
Hang in and Take Good Care of Yourself!
Karen
Lynne,
Thinking about you and hope you are hanging in there.
km
Thinking about you and hope you are hanging in there.
km
Karen,
I sometimes think about getting a new therapist for many reasons. One is the fact that he doesn't let me talk much. I have to interrupt him in order to talk. Another reason is that if I don't see him then my feelings will die down. I notice when the time between our sessions is longer the less I think about him.
Right now he has me focus on the issues that I had with my father growing up. This is one of the causes of transference. It has been tough dealing with feelings that are not pleasant. I have been pretty depressed because of it too.
I need to really ask my T why he doesn't want to talk about my sexual abuse. Maybe he has a logical reason. Like one thing at a time. I really want to work through this transference thing anyway.
I will check out meetup for my area and see what I can find. I would like to be able to be in a group that deals with depression. The more help I get the better I do.
Lynne
I sometimes think about getting a new therapist for many reasons. One is the fact that he doesn't let me talk much. I have to interrupt him in order to talk. Another reason is that if I don't see him then my feelings will die down. I notice when the time between our sessions is longer the less I think about him.
Right now he has me focus on the issues that I had with my father growing up. This is one of the causes of transference. It has been tough dealing with feelings that are not pleasant. I have been pretty depressed because of it too.
I need to really ask my T why he doesn't want to talk about my sexual abuse. Maybe he has a logical reason. Like one thing at a time. I really want to work through this transference thing anyway.
I will check out meetup for my area and see what I can find. I would like to be able to be in a group that deals with depression. The more help I get the better I do.
Lynne
Good Luck Lynne.
Karen
Karen
Well, I had another session with my T. I feel like my feelings toward him are dying down just a bit. Not sure if it cause of the work we are doing or if it is just time making it easier. I still think about him but not as much as I used to. My anxiety for him has gone way down. As far as the sexual abuse he still doesn't seem to want to talk about it. Some of it being my fault for not bringing it up when we are in session, but it is not like I haven't brought it up in the past. In a way, I am slightly afraid to bring it up because of all the bad memories it creates. It happened so long ago that I'd rather just forget about it.
This site has helped so much. Just being able to let my feelings go and not be judged. Also, reading how others have dealt with their T seems to help too.
Thanks for listening.
Lynne
This site has helped so much. Just being able to let my feelings go and not be judged. Also, reading how others have dealt with their T seems to help too.
Thanks for listening.
Lynne
Hi Cloudy! Welcome! First of all I would encourage you to create your own thread if you want more support, as more people are likely to read and respond that way.
I understand just how strong transference feelings can be and how they can make you feel like you're completely falling apart. I've totally been there. It does happen sometimes that dynamics between particular therapist-client pairs can be such that the therapy is too hard to tolerate and it might be better to see a different T. However, before you leave, I would encourage you to try to have a real discussion, in session, about your feelings and what the two of you might be able to do to make things easier for you. Sometimes just talking in session about the feelings can make them lessen somewhat. I know that's an extremely hard conversation to have, but every time I've done it personally, I've found it to be very much worth it.
One more thing here. Sometimes in therapy, the transference can be the worst right before you have a major breakthrough or right before it starts to get better. It can mean you finally feel able to face things that you have been avoiding for a long time. This is why I think you shouldn't just leave right away.
I hope you'll keep posting and let us know what happens.
I understand just how strong transference feelings can be and how they can make you feel like you're completely falling apart. I've totally been there. It does happen sometimes that dynamics between particular therapist-client pairs can be such that the therapy is too hard to tolerate and it might be better to see a different T. However, before you leave, I would encourage you to try to have a real discussion, in session, about your feelings and what the two of you might be able to do to make things easier for you. Sometimes just talking in session about the feelings can make them lessen somewhat. I know that's an extremely hard conversation to have, but every time I've done it personally, I've found it to be very much worth it.
One more thing here. Sometimes in therapy, the transference can be the worst right before you have a major breakthrough or right before it starts to get better. It can mean you finally feel able to face things that you have been avoiding for a long time. This is why I think you shouldn't just leave right away.
I hope you'll keep posting and let us know what happens.
Hi everyone,
What a relief finding this forum, and to read stories of people going through similar situations. I am trying to work through transference as we speak... and boy, it hasn't been an easy ride.
The situation has become a bit more complex lately, so, I could use a little help to make a decision on how to navigate this situation.
I'll try to describe as short as possible, but please, bear with me...
Things started about 1,5 years ago, when I started to attend couples therapy with my partner. I've a track record of developing crushes on my teachers when I was in high school. (something I didn't understand at that time)
So, when the same thing happened in therapy, I tried to deal with the confusion and the feeling by googling and reading about it....
It didn't take long to dig up information about transference and to start to be able to frame these feelings from an intellectual point of view. (Which doesn't mean there were no questions left - there were plenty!)
The common advice I found in almost all of the articles, was not to run from the feelings, how this was a unique opportunity to work through the issues that got stuck.. and the way to do it was to talk about these feeling with my therapist. So, I tried to find all the courage in the world and to address the issue.. Which didn't work out, somehow or another. I'm sure she knows about my feelings (she has been giving me signs in between the lines she knows), but talking about it feels a no-go. Every attempt I make feels like being blocked by her. I guess she doesn't think it is appropriate since these are couples sessions attended by the both of us? (But then again, that's only a guess.) Or maybe she thinks I would try to act on these feelings? (which I would never do) Or maybe she just doesn't know how to deal with this?
So, I've tried to navigate the feelings myself.. Saying it wasn't easy, would be an understatement...
At times it felt so overwhelming I started to loose all balance until the point it felt like I would loose my mind. I felt like I was being confronted with all those feelings while not being strong enough to carry them. Also it felt not being able to express them and to hear they are ok, is holding me back in living them through.
So I asked her for a referral to a personal counselor, which I have been seeing once or twice a month for some months now and in which I have started to be able to (slowly) talk about these feelings. Not easy. And always from a very rational, left-brain perspective.. It's not like I can take these feelings and just transfer from one counseling situation to another.
Since this situation took up so much of my energy and brought me so off-balance, I decided to put our couples counseling on hold - temporarily.
But since the situation with my partner hadn't been properly resolved yet, this started giving problems again, so we recontacted the couples counselor a couple of months later. We then discovered she was going to end her practice as a counselor in the near future, but we agreed we would try to squeeze in all the necessary sessions before her ending her practice. She agreed she wouldn't leave us without working it through till the end... and that we would find a solution if we would need more sessions after her lease had ended.
Not such a good idea... there was this very intense session (not by what was being said, but by the connection I made with her during that session - don't ask me how it happens, but we just connect so powerfully) which left me crying a whole week long, and then there was a session in which I got no time to talk at all (true I took up all the talking time in the previous one and left none for my partner) in which was decided my partner would have some sessions on her own.. damn, I am very aware about this being transference, but this didn't change one thing about me feeling devastated.. and when I say "devastated", I mean "devastated"...
Don't get me wrong. She has been wonderful at the same time.. she has almost always stayed emotionally present, even when I was reacting pretty over the top. (when you get in touch with feelings that have been closed off for so long, they tend to be uncontrollable and energy is going in every direction). And when she realized the private sessions with my partner were difficult for me, she wrote a very sweet mail to comfort me until she would be back from holidays.
So then there was her one month holiday, and ours... and her office lease that ended.
So here we are right now... and we are supposed to schedule an appointment for a next session and I don't know what to do.
Most of all I want to continue the sessions till I have worked through the transference completely. But on the other hand, I am not sure I will ever be able to do this without addressing it and talking about it in our/my sessions with our relationship therapist. I understand she is a relationship counselor, and these sessions aren't meant to be about personal issues - so maybe I am trying to do something out of scope here? But then again, talking about my love feelings being almost always transference related, is a relationship topic, no? So, maybe I should try to raise the issue again - maybe in a mail or so? (although it doesn't feel good to feel *pushy*, I want to try to make this work as best as I can)
And if we are going back for a few of sessions with my partner and then our sessions would end abruptly without me having worked through the transference, doesn't feel like a corrective emotional experience, rather the opposite.
Also, I am a little afraid of the effects of having the session in another space than her old office...
One of the options would be do have them here at our home - in our office. But at the same time, I am afraid what this would do with the clear boundaries between therapy and real life.
At times the whole situation tends to make me angry and lost, because I don't need her to know that I am having these feeling... I need her to help me navigate them. At this time it feels like history repeating itself - having no one to support me with the difficult stuff while growing up... (which is not true at the same time, because where she's able to, she's always trying to understand me the best she can and trying to get my needs met)
So, all advice on how to navigate this would be more than appreciated
And yes, I realize I've been giving a very rational account of what's happening, but don't get me wrong, it's a scary emotional journey...
Just trying to protect myself I guess.
C
What a relief finding this forum, and to read stories of people going through similar situations. I am trying to work through transference as we speak... and boy, it hasn't been an easy ride.
The situation has become a bit more complex lately, so, I could use a little help to make a decision on how to navigate this situation.
I'll try to describe as short as possible, but please, bear with me...
Things started about 1,5 years ago, when I started to attend couples therapy with my partner. I've a track record of developing crushes on my teachers when I was in high school. (something I didn't understand at that time)
So, when the same thing happened in therapy, I tried to deal with the confusion and the feeling by googling and reading about it....
It didn't take long to dig up information about transference and to start to be able to frame these feelings from an intellectual point of view. (Which doesn't mean there were no questions left - there were plenty!)
The common advice I found in almost all of the articles, was not to run from the feelings, how this was a unique opportunity to work through the issues that got stuck.. and the way to do it was to talk about these feeling with my therapist. So, I tried to find all the courage in the world and to address the issue.. Which didn't work out, somehow or another. I'm sure she knows about my feelings (she has been giving me signs in between the lines she knows), but talking about it feels a no-go. Every attempt I make feels like being blocked by her. I guess she doesn't think it is appropriate since these are couples sessions attended by the both of us? (But then again, that's only a guess.) Or maybe she thinks I would try to act on these feelings? (which I would never do) Or maybe she just doesn't know how to deal with this?
So, I've tried to navigate the feelings myself.. Saying it wasn't easy, would be an understatement...
At times it felt so overwhelming I started to loose all balance until the point it felt like I would loose my mind. I felt like I was being confronted with all those feelings while not being strong enough to carry them. Also it felt not being able to express them and to hear they are ok, is holding me back in living them through.
So I asked her for a referral to a personal counselor, which I have been seeing once or twice a month for some months now and in which I have started to be able to (slowly) talk about these feelings. Not easy. And always from a very rational, left-brain perspective.. It's not like I can take these feelings and just transfer from one counseling situation to another.
Since this situation took up so much of my energy and brought me so off-balance, I decided to put our couples counseling on hold - temporarily.
But since the situation with my partner hadn't been properly resolved yet, this started giving problems again, so we recontacted the couples counselor a couple of months later. We then discovered she was going to end her practice as a counselor in the near future, but we agreed we would try to squeeze in all the necessary sessions before her ending her practice. She agreed she wouldn't leave us without working it through till the end... and that we would find a solution if we would need more sessions after her lease had ended.
Not such a good idea... there was this very intense session (not by what was being said, but by the connection I made with her during that session - don't ask me how it happens, but we just connect so powerfully) which left me crying a whole week long, and then there was a session in which I got no time to talk at all (true I took up all the talking time in the previous one and left none for my partner) in which was decided my partner would have some sessions on her own.. damn, I am very aware about this being transference, but this didn't change one thing about me feeling devastated.. and when I say "devastated", I mean "devastated"...
Don't get me wrong. She has been wonderful at the same time.. she has almost always stayed emotionally present, even when I was reacting pretty over the top. (when you get in touch with feelings that have been closed off for so long, they tend to be uncontrollable and energy is going in every direction). And when she realized the private sessions with my partner were difficult for me, she wrote a very sweet mail to comfort me until she would be back from holidays.
So then there was her one month holiday, and ours... and her office lease that ended.
So here we are right now... and we are supposed to schedule an appointment for a next session and I don't know what to do.
Most of all I want to continue the sessions till I have worked through the transference completely. But on the other hand, I am not sure I will ever be able to do this without addressing it and talking about it in our/my sessions with our relationship therapist. I understand she is a relationship counselor, and these sessions aren't meant to be about personal issues - so maybe I am trying to do something out of scope here? But then again, talking about my love feelings being almost always transference related, is a relationship topic, no? So, maybe I should try to raise the issue again - maybe in a mail or so? (although it doesn't feel good to feel *pushy*, I want to try to make this work as best as I can)
And if we are going back for a few of sessions with my partner and then our sessions would end abruptly without me having worked through the transference, doesn't feel like a corrective emotional experience, rather the opposite.
Also, I am a little afraid of the effects of having the session in another space than her old office...
One of the options would be do have them here at our home - in our office. But at the same time, I am afraid what this would do with the clear boundaries between therapy and real life.
At times the whole situation tends to make me angry and lost, because I don't need her to know that I am having these feeling... I need her to help me navigate them. At this time it feels like history repeating itself - having no one to support me with the difficult stuff while growing up... (which is not true at the same time, because where she's able to, she's always trying to understand me the best she can and trying to get my needs met)
So, all advice on how to navigate this would be more than appreciated
And yes, I realize I've been giving a very rational account of what's happening, but don't get me wrong, it's a scary emotional journey...
Just trying to protect myself I guess.
C
(((((C)))))
I often felt the same way. And my T wasn't comfortable with the feelings either. Same as you, I read on the internet that the thing to do is to talk to your therapist about the feelings. Same as you, I kept trying to bring them up and he was deflecting them. And I wasn't functioning very well.
We had a crisis in our relationship that made him realize that he was uncomfortable with the love feelings and he was deflecting them. He's been much more accepting of my feelings and it has helped A LOT. I'm sure I could have gone to another T and hashed it all out but I think it would have taken me longer to do resolve things and there would always be that nagging sense of having failed at yet another relationship.
There are two books that I would recommend. One is In Session by Deborah Lott which deals exclusively with this issue from the client's perspective and how T's screw it up. The other is Attachment in Psychotherapy by David Wallin. What I like about his book, and what applies here, is that he says that the best therapy is done when all feelings are allowed in the room. He calls it inclusiveness.
This counselor does sound nice. Maybe you could bring it to her attention that you would really like to work it through with her but feel as though she is resisting and see what she says.
The thing for me is, a lot of the feelings are real time, in the present and for my T. He has helped me more than any person has in my entire life. I have so much more work to do but I no longer feel tortured inside.
Once he let the feelings in the room, I've been able to process it. Until he did, they were just bouncing around inside of me with no where to go. It has taken time and it's not without pain and letting go. But the flip side is that I know when I will see him. I also know he will be nice. It's always like a honeymoon because we don't live together or share a life. LOL!
Good luck. I hope you can talk to her. I do think it would be best if you can work it through with her but she might be uncomfortable with her own stuff.
quote:At this time it feels like history repeating itself - having no one to support me with the difficult stuff while growing up..
I often felt the same way. And my T wasn't comfortable with the feelings either. Same as you, I read on the internet that the thing to do is to talk to your therapist about the feelings. Same as you, I kept trying to bring them up and he was deflecting them. And I wasn't functioning very well.
We had a crisis in our relationship that made him realize that he was uncomfortable with the love feelings and he was deflecting them. He's been much more accepting of my feelings and it has helped A LOT. I'm sure I could have gone to another T and hashed it all out but I think it would have taken me longer to do resolve things and there would always be that nagging sense of having failed at yet another relationship.
There are two books that I would recommend. One is In Session by Deborah Lott which deals exclusively with this issue from the client's perspective and how T's screw it up. The other is Attachment in Psychotherapy by David Wallin. What I like about his book, and what applies here, is that he says that the best therapy is done when all feelings are allowed in the room. He calls it inclusiveness.
This counselor does sound nice. Maybe you could bring it to her attention that you would really like to work it through with her but feel as though she is resisting and see what she says.
The thing for me is, a lot of the feelings are real time, in the present and for my T. He has helped me more than any person has in my entire life. I have so much more work to do but I no longer feel tortured inside.
Once he let the feelings in the room, I've been able to process it. Until he did, they were just bouncing around inside of me with no where to go. It has taken time and it's not without pain and letting go. But the flip side is that I know when I will see him. I also know he will be nice. It's always like a honeymoon because we don't live together or share a life. LOL!
Good luck. I hope you can talk to her. I do think it would be best if you can work it through with her but she might be uncomfortable with her own stuff.
Hello C and welcome,
I agree w/ Liese. I encourage you to get your feelings out on the table. I will be honest with you C, I put my feelings out there and my T COULD NOT handle it. Long story short, I had to find a new T and I worked through the transference with my new T. Things have gotten much better but it took a year of constant work to get through it.
If you want to feel better about this, I suggest taking the first step, which is talking honestly about your feelings toward your T. Don't worry about what comes next. Just tell your T that you would like to speak for a bit and ask her to just listen. Take as long as you need to get it all out. Write it down and read it back if you have to. I know this sounds difficult and embarrassing but that is what therapy is for. It is to help you with difficult problems in a safe environment. And once you have said what you have to say, you will probably feel better. And your T will probably react like a complete professional. And what happens after that, you will deal with when it is presented. In other words, you can't predict how your T will react. Not only that, by telling this to your T, you haven't done anything wrong! Your are being honest about some very deep and very real feelings that are causing you pain. And isn't that what a T is supposed to help with?
I can only speak from my own experiences. I told my T and I felt better. She handled it just fine but then a week later, she requested that I see someone else. I have managed to work through my transference. I still I have feelings for my former T. Just like anyone who cares deeply about somebody and then that person, for what ever reason, leaves your life. But I feel SO SO SO much better than when I had it all bottled up and confused with what to do with all these strong feelings directed towards my T. And when I stumble, and I do from time to time causing me to long for my former T, I go to my T and we talk about it.
I hope this helps C! Keep writing and reading this site. It was a tremendous help for me and many others.
I agree w/ Liese. I encourage you to get your feelings out on the table. I will be honest with you C, I put my feelings out there and my T COULD NOT handle it. Long story short, I had to find a new T and I worked through the transference with my new T. Things have gotten much better but it took a year of constant work to get through it.
If you want to feel better about this, I suggest taking the first step, which is talking honestly about your feelings toward your T. Don't worry about what comes next. Just tell your T that you would like to speak for a bit and ask her to just listen. Take as long as you need to get it all out. Write it down and read it back if you have to. I know this sounds difficult and embarrassing but that is what therapy is for. It is to help you with difficult problems in a safe environment. And once you have said what you have to say, you will probably feel better. And your T will probably react like a complete professional. And what happens after that, you will deal with when it is presented. In other words, you can't predict how your T will react. Not only that, by telling this to your T, you haven't done anything wrong! Your are being honest about some very deep and very real feelings that are causing you pain. And isn't that what a T is supposed to help with?
I can only speak from my own experiences. I told my T and I felt better. She handled it just fine but then a week later, she requested that I see someone else. I have managed to work through my transference. I still I have feelings for my former T. Just like anyone who cares deeply about somebody and then that person, for what ever reason, leaves your life. But I feel SO SO SO much better than when I had it all bottled up and confused with what to do with all these strong feelings directed towards my T. And when I stumble, and I do from time to time causing me to long for my former T, I go to my T and we talk about it.
I hope this helps C! Keep writing and reading this site. It was a tremendous help for me and many others.
quote:Originally posted by Liese:
The other is Attachment in Psychotherapy by David Wallin. What I like about his book, and what applies here, is that he says that the best therapy is done when all feelings are allowed in the room. He calls it inclusiveness.
This counselor does sound nice. Maybe you could bring it to her attention that you would really like to work it through with her but feel as though she is resisting and see what she says.
The thing for me is, a lot of the feelings are real time, in the present and for my T. He has helped me more than any person has in my entire life. I have so much more work to do but I no longer feel tortured inside.
Once he let the feelings in the room, I've been able to process it. Until he did, they were just bouncing around inside of me with no where to go.
Hi Liese,
Tnx for your advice, helps a lot in grounding my feelings. Cause sometimes I start to think it's just me making things bigger than they are and asking impossible things from my counselor.
I've read 'In Session' a couple of months ago which helped reassuring me too. The other book you're referring to looks super interesting, I'll sure check it out.
What you say about not being able to process the feelings until they were allowed in the room, feels so familiar! It feels like she has brought me in touch with all these feelings, and is telling me I should get in touch with my feelings more - but at the same time I get the message these feelings are not allowed in the room... which kinda blocks everything inside.. indeed bouncing inside of me.
I'm seeing my personal counselor this afternoon.. I think I'll try to talk this through with her too. And then try to bring it up with our relationship counselor. I've never felt so in contact with what I should be going through as with her.. all my other counselors didn't get beyond the intellectual screen I put up. Except her. So, it feels like such a precious possibility for growth, I really don't want to give this up easily...
But oh boy, pretty scary too.
Tnx for heads up!
C