awww ((( R2G )))

yesterday was my first day back after a month off. i was excited to go back. i actually missed the guy! but i have to say, about an hour before session i got very anxious and nervous and never was able to figure out why. he probed me, but i didn't have an answer. towards the end, he said "what is it you are avoiding telling me?" then he grinned at me!!! WTF??? i felt like he knows something i don't and it was very unnerving. i think he may be alluding to attachment stuff? yuck. i'm one of those that fights attachment. anyway, that was my experience with a lengthy break.

just want to say i understand all your feelings of confused, nervous, excited and scared. if you break down sobbing, it's okay! she's probably seen it once or twice before. and i'll bet she will be very understanding and consoling. good luck with your session and try to take it easy on yourself. hugs!

Thanks ((((Closed doors))))

I hate when my T does that! It's as if T can read my mind when I'm avoiding talking about something and T cuts right in after a few minutes of my mindless chatter and gets right to it.

I fought attachment for a long time with both T and NT. It was much easier to accept my attachment to T, cause I know my work with T is long term. With NT, it is more short term, and I fought attaching like mad. When NT announced leave, I flipped cause that's when I realized how attached I actually was.

Now, as NTs return gets closer (like 67 hours away) I am more and more anxious with each passing hour. NT has definitely seen my break down oh, a few times but that was around her departure. To be this emotional upon return feels rather silly?

Panic panic panic.

What if she cancels at the last second? What if she has changed during the past four months she was on leave? What if she isn't the same NT that I love? What if I am trying to find a reason to be mad at her for leaving? What if I want to forget how mad I was when she left? What if I just cry the whole time? What if I get stuck in the mode of a five year old and just want to sit close to her the whole time? What if I have been totally acting on stupid ED behaviors for the last two days because I'm trying to mess things up?

R2G,
First, breathe. Slow down your breathing and let your body know that you not in actual life-threatening danger.

Second, my guess (and see if it fits) would be that you are experiencing a deep sense of danger because you have been away from a caretaker for a long time and have no way of "knowing" what you will get when you reunite. I know for me, that I could never be sure which Dad would be there: good, affectionate dad or angry, abusive dad. And I didn't know if I would loving, engaged mom or totally not present mom. I know at times, for me, when I would go a longer period of not seeing my T he would slowly morph into my mind into stern, angry and annoyed. It will always be a bit of a shock to find him not angry, happy to see me and his same steady caring self.

So if you also had this kind of experience as a child, it would make sense that seeing a caregiver after a long separation is going to feel dangerous on a limbic, implicit memory level. But since we like to think we're totally rational creatures, our frontal lobe kicks in and we frantically go looking to understand what's going on that's troubling us, hence your long list of possible disaster scenarios.

The truth is you're probably scared, because this was a situation you have good reason to be wary of. It's ok to be scared, you're safe enough to be. And it's really going to be ok and your NT will be herself. So be gentle and compassionate with yourself, there are good reasons you are feelings this way. But try to gently "push" yourself by hanging on to what you know to be true: this is no longer a dangerous place to be, moving closer to a caregiver. It's a good, healthy thing that you missed her and that you're looking forward to seeing her. And that impulse to sit close to her the whole time? You want the visceral right-brain experience of her return, also very normal.

I hope the rest of the wait goes quickly, please let us know how it goes.



AG

(((RTG)))
I totally get that panic!! I was a mess after my T had his stroke last summer, and after several weeks reconciled that he would probably never practice again, when out of the blue one day he emailed me! "I'm better now and am scheduling patients again. When would you like to come in?" ARRRRGH!!!! I love the man to pieces and couldn't believe how blasé he was when he KNEW I was missing him like there was no tomorrow and such a brief email would put me in a tizzy!

So I wrote back and quite enthusiastically set up the first available appointment, hehe.

Then the panic set in: "What if our connection is gone????"
The last email i had sent him was just hours before his stroke - I had said, "I'm so grateful to have found you. If only I had started coming sooner."

So, RTG, you're not alone in your panic, but I can assure you, you can regain that connection, and if you cry like a baby in expressing your emotions, I'm sure she will understand, and let you have those tears.

Keep us posted!
Starry

((((R2G))))))

I like your optimism (((Draggers,))) and you're right, it could be an awesome sesh...

If only I remember to breathe.

That's, I think, part of the problem I've had the last two days - with T being away, and T being the one who recharges my figurative oxygen supply every week, I literally feel like I can't take a deep breath. I've had horrid stomach pains for the last two days and eating is miserable. It feels like there is something stuck in the left side of my chest preventing me from taking a nice relaxing long inhale (no, I am not having a heart attack, I promise!)

(((AG,))) how does one work through this type of situation with the background? I still can't quite grasp how it's good to miss someone, which both T and NT said from the get go would be a good thing for me to experience. It's as if T and NT are my caretakers, like you said, and one was away for a while. I have no idea how military families do it- at least they get to communicate most of the time, this was no communication cold turkey.

(((Starry))) She is really understanding, and more like a mom to me than even T is, and she gives the best hugs. I'm scared that she isn't going to be who she was before she left, and she isn't going to (and this sounds silly) give me hugs like she used to. I know she's going to have changed, I mean, it's been four months, then again, so have I. But...

(((Liese)))

I really can't breathe. I've been popping xanax like candy to keep me semi-functioning. I did not expect this surge at the end. I mean, the finish line is 36 hours away and now I panic?! I can't even eat, which is not a good thing, especially considering my one job while T was away was to maintain my weight. But when anxiety kicks up like this, so does nausea. Argh.

quote:

how does one work through this type of situation with the background? I still can't quite grasp how it's good to miss someone, which both T and NT said from the get go would be a good thing for me to experience.

R2G,
We work through it by doing it over and over with a safe person, walking through the terror and experiencing something different than what we expected, until we implicitly learn to expect something different. You're doing it right now. Do me a favor, once you see NT and realize that the relationship is intact, try and allow yourself to dwell on the fact that despite how dangerous it felt, it turned out well. You're building new pathway in your brain and that takes work.

And as far as missing someone being a good thing, that's because it's a sign of a healthy connection. Our close relationships are meaningful for us, so we do miss them when we're away. But here's the thing, when you get "good enough" parenting and you are securely attached, missing someone doesn't feel threatening. You have a deeply felt knowledge that the connection is still present and safe and trustworthy even when you're away. My T uses a great analogy about food and hunger. If we get hungry and there's a kitchen full of food, hunger doesn't feel threatening, we just go get ourselves some food. But if you're in the Sudan and have no idea where your next meal is coming from, then getting hungry is a pretty scary experience.

So in a sense, missing someone is a reminder of the trust and love and dependability. But a child learns this by a parent going away and coming back, and attending to their feelings when they get upset about it. You have to experience this enough times to learn it. The process is pretty painful as an adult, which you know better than anyone right now. Just know that your perseverance now, your courage in going to see her is what is going to change how you feel. Feelings follow action. It will get better.

AG

quote:

try and allow yourself to dwell on the fact that despite how dangerous it felt, it turned out well. You're building new pathways in your brain and that takes work

such an important reminder. thanks AG!

R2G, i'll be thinking about you. i think it'll go really well. keep us posted.

quote:

Do me a favor, once you see NT and realize that the relationship is intact, try and allow yourself to dwell on the fact that despite how dangerous it felt, it turned out well. You're building new pathway in your brain and that takes work.

My NT is good at making me pause and recognize things, so I have no doubt that she'll have me do this automatically. Not like I'll be able to hide my anxiety from her, it will be flowing freely from my pours.

quote:

But a child learns this by a parent going away and coming back, and attending to their feelings when they get upset about it. You have to experience this enough times to learn it. The process is pretty painful as an adult

Is that why it feels so awkward? Cause this process is something that typically resolves itself during childhood?

Your insight is invaluable (((AG)))

I literally want to sleep until Monday morning. My body is freaking out. I can't stop shaking, and even typing is taking for ever cause my fingers keep hitting the wrong keys. I feel like I'm trembling at the cellular level and it is not fun.

(((CD))) I'm hanging on everyone's positive thoughts for a good reunion Monday, and I promise to keep ya'll posted!

(((((R2G)))) Yup, that's why it feels so awkward.

In 24 hours I'll be heading from NT to T.... I can't believe I made it 4 months!

This missing people thing sure is hard. I suppose that this is one great example of the only way out is through - the only way to work through this process is to have it happen multiple times with consistent, positive results... T goes away at the end of the month, maybe this time it will be a little easier? After all, she does always come back!

xoxoxo to everyone!

Hi All,

Well, I saw my NT and my T today. I held it together pretty well with NT, at least at the beginning. It still feels rather unreal, like I'm not fully sold on the fact that she's back, and she's the same person she was when she left. I did pause while I was sitting there, among the tears that started falling about half way through my time with her, to try and just observe the situation.

Logically I know she is still my NT that I love. She looks the same, she sounds the same, she hugs the same. But since this is the first time she's been gone for any length of time, the first time I've had no communication with her, it still hasn't sunk in that she's back.

Seeing T today, I realized that this is like the 5th time she's gone away since I've been seeing her, and each time she comes back the same ol' T that I love. It's taken that repetition of behavior to prove to me that she is still solid. NT, I know we'll get there too. I think I just need one or two more times of seeing her to make sure.

This healthy connection, this missing someone? Definitely better to work through as a kid, when it IS ok to crawl into someone's lap for comfort. As an adult? Yeah, not so much!

Thanks for all the support everyone! Hugs to all!

(((R2G))))

You made it!!! Way to go, be proud of yourself.

Thanks AG

I'm really glad I survived, I didn't think I would four months ago, that's for sure. I thought that I would for sure wear out my T by the time my NT got back, but I didn't!

Ironically, once I got home, and settled down from the day, I've been curled up on the couch with my soft blanket. It's as if I've regressed quite a bit now that both of my "parental figures" are back together in my life. Sounds strange, but that's what T and NT are, embarrassingly enough. And right now, all I want to do is go to sleep so I can wake up tomorrow and go see T again.

Way to go, R2G!
I've been freaking out over a month-long separation from my T. Your strength is an inspiration!

Congratulations for making it through and I'm so happy both appointments went so well for you today!

((( R2G )))
way to go!!! i'm so happy to hear that it went well and that you're riding on wonderfully warm feelings as an after-effect. good for you!

Thanks (((HeartAndSoul!))) It wasn't an easy 4 months, especially since my NT is the only person in my world that gives me much-needed hugs, but I made it! I think T was just as relieved that NT is back as I was! You'll make it - just take it one day at a time! (oh, and I wrote a lot of never-sent letters to NT while she was away, it helped!)

Thanks (((CD))) I am enjoying the warm fuzzies while they last, which is never long enough!