****Trigger warning: CSA, dental problems, loss of therapist

Hi All,

I'm going to need to be away from the forum for a little while (more on that later) but wanted to take the chance to talk about my last visit to my therapist before I go with your kind indulgence. It's been a rough couple of weeks. I keep wondering why I ever got off the cruise ship.

I talked about it in another thread, how I had to go the periodontist and found out I need surgery on both sides of my mouth. I hate the dentist and dental procedures which always invoke a deep fear response but this had the added twist of running over my dental insurance and not even slowing down. Between this work and three crowns I need to have done, we're looking at really significant out of pocket expenses. My reaction to that was not good either; deep terror and a sense that I am going to be in a lot of trouble. I did handle that part well as I sat down with my husband with all the figures and went through the whole thing. He was very understanding and supportive (most of my fears were transference, the few that were fact based, were due to his very reasonable frustration over how I handled these things in the past. basically by spacing out and ignorning them hoping they would go away, until they blew up in my face and became a very nasty financial surprise for my husband, who has his own issues about money.) Turned out that being up front and honest was a much better way to go. He made it clear that it wasn't my fault and that he really appreciated the care I took to tell him and that we would work it out. Which is helpful because at least the financial stuff is taken care of.

In talking to a friend when trying to cope after the periodontist, I recalled my memory of being drilled on with no novacaine as a child which was where my deep fear of the dentist came from. My avoidance combined with a bad genetic heritage is what has led to me having so many problems with my teeth. I have always been conscious of that memory, but never connected the incident with being abused by my dad. When I was describing it with my friend, I think I let it come closer than I ever have before (probably because I'm much more wiling to have my feelings now) and connected with the memory and feelings in a way I never had before. Denial is an amazingly powerful thing. I ramped up very quickly and my emotions were so intense, that I immediately shut down. Both my friend and I thought it would be a good idea to go see my T.

It was bad enough that I actually didn't hesitate but sent him an email as soon as I got off the phone explaining that I had been triggered by some dental work and needed a safe place to process it. After I sent off the email, I of course decided I had overreacted. My T is historically bad with appt messages, so I decided if I didn't hear back I wouldn't pursue it. I was shocked that he got back to me first thing the next day (which was a Wednesday) and offered me an appt the following Monday (it's highly unusual to be able to get in so quickly). He also told me in the email about the appt to not hesitate to call if I needed some phone time, which was incredibly reassuring. I sat down Friday night to talk to my husband about the financial stuff and when I tried to talk to him about getting triggered, it quickly got very bad which at least made me feel better about making the appointment. But I was struggling with completely trusting my motivation for going. I had really been missing my T over vacation and returned home to a painful realization. When I was seeing him regularly, one of the good parts about coming back from vacation was knowing I got to see him. But I got home and realized it didn't make any difference if I was on vacation or not, I wasn't going to see him. So I had been missing him a lot and didn't quite trust I hadn't manufactured a problem to go see him. I discussed this with my husband and he expressed his worry that maybe I was getting ready to go back to therapy (I just saw my therapist on Feb. 1) I told him that I had thought about it but I didn't think so and he quickly said that he wasn't going to worry then. But the fact that he brought it up kind of fed my fears.
That weekend was the last weekend before my husband started a refuel outage at the power plant he works at. He's on 12 1/2 hour days with no days off for a month. Which pretty much takes him out of commission around the house. He barely has time to eat and shower before he needs to go to bed. So we spent the weekend getting meals ready and basically battening down the hatches.

I had a tough but really good session with my T on Monday (21st). He was his usual very steady self and he knows me really well. We sat down and I told him I wasn't quite sure where to start and he said "why don't we start with how you felt about coming in today?" To which I responded "damn, I was planning on saving that for the end." So I told him about missing him after vacation and wanting to see him but not really trusting my motivation. That I was worrying about coming back to therapy then my DH brought it up. My T said "so DH voiced one of your own fears?" and i told him he still knew how to ask hard questions. He was very open in discussing it and very reassuring that it really was ok for me to come in no matter what the motivation. At one point I told him that I hated how much angst I went through trying to decide, that he's my therapist, I hit a problem, I wanted to see him, why should it be a big deal? I literally looked at him and asked are there people for whom it isn't a big deal? They just call and come in when they need to? And he told me yes, but that they didn't have the significant attachment injuries and boundary violations I had experienced. He really sees my whole struggle over letting go and coming back to be an integral part of our work I think.

We moved into discussing the triggered memory. I told my T about recalling the memory of being drilled on with no novacaine, but not speaking up. That when my mother went back in to yell at the dentist, he was quite upset and told me I should have said something. That when I was talking to my friend, I found myself wondering why hadn't I spoken up? The pain had been excruiating. And that's when I made the connection and it hit. And when I was telling my T it came back. That I hadn't said anything because being on my back and in pain was normal, it was something to be endured. Speaking up was useless, at best it would be ignored and at worst, would lead to more pain. I'm not sure how to explain it but a horror just swept over me for that poor little girl, who was not only left unprotected but has been taught NOT to protect herself. The realization was very difficult and painful and angering. But it was really good to be able to feel all that and have my T there to help me through. I cried alot in between talking about how I felt. When I was calmer and able to talk more rationally again, my T told me that as painful as the realization was that I had done really well taking care of myself. I had paid attention to my feelings, I had reached out to a friend, I had handled the finances so that they didn't become an issue and I had made an appointment with him. But what he thought was really important was that I had reacted to myself with compassion and awareness. He ran through the list of emotions I had expressed and even I was impressed. I talked about the loss surrounding the realization. That it wasn't so much new info, as really connecting to how it felt.

Once we were done discussing the memories, we moved back again to me coming in.I told him as much as I knew I had needed to come and see him about the memory, I was really glad of an "excuse" to come in, but I was sad because I realized that something had to be wrong in order for me to see him. My T never dodges those and he told me that that is the nature of the relationship, people don't usually go to see their therapist just to tell them good things. My T made it clear to me that he didn't think I overacted, that I had hit some pretty intense stuff and it was good that I had called when i felt like I needed to see him. But that if I was missing him and just needed to touch base, that was a perfectly legitimate reason to come and see him. I talked about just wanting to let go and he told me that just because sometimes I was dealing really well with the grief and that other times it was more difficult didn't mean I wasn't letting go. That it was understandable if I was missing him. And when it got hard, it really was ok to reach out to him for help. I sat with that a minute then looked up and said thank you, I feel better hearing that. And then I kind of ruefully admitted that it was good to see him. He smiled and said it was good to see me too. We wrapped up and shook hands and I left. I realized later that while I had done my usual firm "work" handshake, that my T had practically been holding my hand, he was very gentle.

The last two times I've seen him, one of which was my last regular appointment, really hadn't been hard to leave. And I very much knew he was still there this time, but it was a lot harder to leave because I really didn't know when I was going to see him again. The grief I had gotten in touch with was still reverberating. This last week has been difficult. So many different griefs were present, from both the past and present, interwoven in a complex blend that was hard to differentiate between. There was recognizing the loss of my ability to protect myself, coming face to face again with my father's lack of safety and failure to be the father I needed to be. There was the grief of knowing I could never have that which gets so triggered by leaving my T. Because knowing the boundaries are still in place between us (which he manages to make clear ever so gently when I see him) is what brings me face to face with that loss. On top of that is the here and now loss of not seeing my T regularly. And I think because I was experiencing very young, vulnerable feelings, it made me want my T more since he's the closest thing to good father I'll ever have. So I've been stable, but there has been a lot of sadness and a lot of tears. I kept feeling like I wanted to make sure my T was there, I think because of the strong realization that while not everything I want, he is my security, made me anxious. I finally called him on Friday and told him how I was feeling, how mixed up the feelings could get and he told me he really understood and it was good I called.

I kept thinking about posting but just wasn't to speak about it yet, so I felt very blocked. I was using a lot of energy sorting through my feelings and struggling to understand and come to terms with what I remembered. I got the worst of it out in my Ts office but as usual, it takes a lot to process all of it.

And on top of my husband working long hours, I am again. The release we're working on at my job is proving to be a real bear but I was planning on holding off on the OT until my husband was done, but my boss came in to talk to me last Wednesday and we needed to move the schedule up in order to have the next section of the release ready to go in a month. So now I'm working OT and doing all the cooking, laundry and cleaning (ok, full disclosure, not a whole lot of cleaning getting done ) so the stress level is back up.

I'm not happy about how much I have been absent from the forum. Lately, it has felt like it would take up less space to announce when I'm present instead of when I'm absent. I really do get frustrated not having the time to support people the way I want to. But I also know that I need to take care of my family and part of that is taking care of myself so I don't get run down and sick which would just put more stress on everyone. So for the next month I'll be popping in when I can, but I don't expect it to be often. I think TN said it on another thread, I take comfort knowing that there are so many good people here and that you'll take good care of each other. I just wanted to let everyone know what was going on, thanks for listening as always.

AG