i realise i havent posted an update after my 'last' session and i'm sorry that i run away and then i come back here in spurts, when i need it... i wish i was more consistent and able to sustain better relationships with people (in real life too)... a work in progress i guess.

my last session with T wasnt my 'last' session, as we decided to keep it open for a while and see how my new job goes, to see if I would be able to make the afternoon appointment that she offered (she only does sessions during the day but was able to offer me a later afternoon session). well, my new job sucks, it is very busy and stressful and no chance of leaving early to make that appointment.

unfortunately i feel that i should stay at this job right now, no matter how hard or stressful it is, because of my financial and living situation. i was staying with some relatives until my job situation was more stable but now i have to move out soon and get my own place. it puts a lot of pressure on doing well at this job so that my contract extends, even though i hate it, mostly hate the fact that it wont allow me to still see my T. but getting myself sorted out and having a job and a place to live are a priority right now. but i dont know how to explain that to the little me who was really hanging on to the hope that I'll continue to see this T.

i have called to make that appointment that we left open, and now i dont want this to be my last appointment! maybe we could still have another open appointment in another 1-2 months time, because i can't deal with any endings right now when i have so much on my plate.

in the meantime, i'm trying to decide whether my T is worth waiting for and eventually changing jobs for, although i dont even know how long she would wait for me... OR should I try to find a new T soon. i'm hoping that seeing her again after more than a month break will hopefully give me some answers. but i feel like the main reason i want to see her is because i simply need to, i need something stable and strong when i have so much uncertainty and stress around me. this doesnt feel very healthy though. i feel like an addict who's taking some pills, just to take the edge off.

LG started a great thread with T's qualities and things to improve on, and it got me thinking... am I just hanging on to her because I dont have anyone else right now, or because i feel she is a good T for me? does rational thinking play any part in this or shall i just go with my feelings?... and are my feelings betraying me / replaying the past so they are not to be relied on? i just have too many questions and too many conflicting answers right now. maybe i just need to give it more time.

thanks for reading. i just really needed to 'think out loud' and articulate some of these question marks going round and round in my head.

puppet