CNC,

I can feel your frustration and disappointment. I mean, how hard is it to remember a regular standing appointment that you've had for a year and a half???

Still, I don't think this is any reflection of how your T feels about you. Sounds to me like he is somewhat flakey and irresponsible. My T1 can be like this sometimes and it sucks when she f's up and falls from the pedestal I put her on. It has taken me some time, but I've finally realized that this is just who she is...she is flakey.

I think its good that your T admitted he screwed up and apologized, but it sounds as though you are having difficulty accepting his apology. Is there anything he could say that would make this better?

CNC,

I remember when this happened at Christmas (I'm pretty sure it was you that posted about it) and I'm sorry to hear that it has happened again. I don't think it has anything to do with you personally, but it definitely has a huge impact on you and your ability to trust. Rightfully so!

What about if you go in there tomorrow and be angry with him? Can you do that? Can you get angry and tell him how upsetting this is for you? It's great that he apologized, but that doesn't erase your feelings about the situation. I think I would also want to know what steps he is going to take to make sure he doesn't miss sessions in the future.

(((hugs)))

Grrrr. I understand why you are angry and you are justified!! Though even if you weren't, it would still be ok I have been forgotten more than once and the feelings that came up were intense.....though they did subside and we moved past the ruptures.

Can you take your anger to him tomorrow and tell him just how it felt to be forgotten?

Even though we want them to be perfect, our Ts are human and they do make human errors. His forgetting an appt time (and yes I know it was for a VERY important client!! ) does not mean he doesn't care about you.

I am sorry you are hurting and angry and I am sorry he forgot you.
sea

HI,

Thanks for your replies and hugs.

DF - Last time when this happened we talked about it and I got angry but then let him off the hook pretty easy. I am an easy-going person and recognize that mistakes happen and could understand the mix up about the dates. There were so many other things happening between us that this one was just another one to add to the pile. Once I got my immediate pain out it was over.

But this time, it's different. I was ready to talk about something that is deep. I have had some dreams that I think have been triggered by an old family album. I am remembering something that I had stored away. That is gone, I am not ready to share that with him.

LG- Yes, I am having a difficult time accepting his apology. Once it is an accident, twice there is something going on in his sub-concious. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes it isn't. This is a case of it isn't.

It doesn't help that both times have been before major holidays. Major holidays have been difficult for me the past year or so. They trigger some big insecurities. I feel like he did it on purpose, "let's miss a session right before a major holiday and see what that does to her", Or maybe it is a case of "things are going well recently, She seems to trust me again, I think I had better change that ASAP!"

I think for me to be able to try to get beyond this, two things need to happen, I need him to show some emotion. Sometimes he can be so flat, I need him to not just say but show me that he is sorry. The other thing that needs to happen is a need to hear what happened. Hearing "my child was projectile vomiting onto my shoulder I couldn't leave the house", or "I was fasting for passover and passed out" or even" i was stuck in traffic and didn't have your number" (what do you mean you don't have my phone number it your cell phone?) will make this much easier to accept. He hates sharing personal information about him self, so I doubt I will get this. (sorry I am being irrational and bitter, I know)

STRM - The plan is to go in and be angry tomorrow, but tell him how I really feel. I am generally a reasonable, clam and level headed person but tomorrow, I am planning to let the dragon out. I hope he is wearing his flame proof panties! I usually have a list of things i want to talk about, i was going to skip it tomorrow, but on second thought i think I will make one. I really like your idea about what he is going to do to make sure that this doesn't happen in the future. It puts the accountability back on him. I especially like it because I am VERY concious about his time. I never cancel an app't without the 48 hours notice as per policy, I always thank him when he switches an app't time at my request, not just when he switches it but the day of the app't as well.

SB - You are so right, I need to tell him what it felt like to be forgotten. Remind him how this so squarely makes puts him into the realm of my father again.(and thank you for reminding me that i am a very important client, very!)

Thank you again for your comments and hugs,

They have really helped.

CNC

I don't think it is a coincidence that it happened before major holidays both times. However, I dont' think he did it on purpose to leave you feeling triggered and upset on a holiday. I think it probably has something to do with a change in his schedule due to the upcoming holiday. Perhaps he takes Fridays off before holidays and that throws off his week? I don't know but I'm thinking that something happens with his schedule that confuses him. Its still pretty shitty that he is so flakey but I really think he's probably like this with other clients and not just with you.

I hope you go in and tell him why his behaviour is NOT okay and that it says volumes to you that he has missed your REGULAR appointment TWICE now. It does say volumes - I bet he doesn't 'forget' things that are really important to him, that matter to him.

So please tell him this.

And report back what he says. a thoroughly grovelling apology and payment of your wasted time might just cut the mustard.

Ugh, CNC. I would be devastated and angry. I agree that if you can risk it, go in there and tell him exactly how it made you feel. I just had a rupture with T over him pushing me away when I had something I desperately wanted to tell him. These sort of things are made so much worse when you have something inside you're desperately trying to share (like your dreams) and T's humanness hijacks the process. (((hugs))) I hope you are able to express your hurt and anger and receive some reassurance in today's appointment.

Hi Guys,
So I did it.
Before I went to my app’t, I dressed very carefully. I made sure I looked awesome, I pulled out one of my blouses that I wear when I am surprise visiting a business for my work, I wore a leather suit jacket and a red scarf. I wore my usual make up and even put some perfume on. It really helped my confidence, I looked strong and felt strong.
I got to my app't just on time, I forgot my regular glasses in the car so I had to go back and get them which left me rushed. He already had the session room door open but still I waited for him to come down the hall and get me. I didn't look at him when he came to get me, plus I was still wearing my sunglasses.
I sat down and and took my glasses off I started to clean my regular ones and after a few milliseconds of silence he said. I am sorry about last Wednesday, I missed you app’t. My response was “what happened? What in the fuck happened, (therapist’s last name)?”
He didn't respond until about 3 seconds later when I looked him at him, (before I was looking at my glasses). He said “Therapists make mistakes too. I screwed up and missed your app't. You weren’t the only one affected and I am sorry.“ Our conversation continued, I told him all the thoughts I have had for the past days about why it happened. He acknowledged that I am hurt and should be. I talked about how it hurt because I am so conscious of his time and how I am very careful about our app'ts. I told him that it hurt because I know what it is like to be self employed and I try to be an excellent client, and not fuck with his time but he is now fucking with mine. I listed about 10 different reasons about why it hurt.
There were a couple of really interesting things, I told him that this hurt because it was the second time in four months, and that both times it was right before major family holidays which made it esp. triggering for me. He acknowledged that it was before or during holidays and then he self disclosed something. This is huge, MY THERAPIST NEVER SELF DISCLOSES. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. EVER. He told me that it was important to acknowledge that, it was before holidays because he had recently had a not insignificant death in his family and that I am right there is a connection between it being a family holiday and missing the app’ts. This was major for us, for him to reveal something so personal to me. I thanked him for that and it made it a lot better. I was starting to feel like he was meeting me half way on this issue.
We did talk about his subconscious and he acknowledged that everyone has their shit, He does as well, and that I am right to question what was going on, in his mind and what that meant about me. HE said he needed to take some time and explore what was going on, and why I told him it made me feel like he had been lying to me for months, he asked what the lie was,” the lie is that you care, that you still want to work with me.” I asked him how he was going to ensure that it didn't happen again, He told me that he was going to work very hard to figure out what was going on, to understand why he missed 2 app'ts in 4 months with me. To acknowledge and understand what is going on for him.
There were alot of long silences, me seething at first, and later thinking, I am sure he was wondering, thinking, and maybe even shitting his pants. I mentioned that it felt like we were standing in the middle of a mine field, his response “like, I need to be careful what I say?” I responded yes and that I wanted to move on and talk about something else and I didn't know what I could talk about that felt safe. Interestingly he stated, “I know, we” then he stopped and said “I know, I have alot of work to do to build trust again.” I liked that, for me that made a huge difference that he admitted that this is not just a small issue that this is going to impair our work for awhile. That somehow changed everything. We talk a little about this being partial transference, That my father used to do stuff like this and that the fires of transference were down to coals recently but that now they are raging again.
I am supposed to have a regular app’t Wednesday but am undecided about it, He gave me the option to call him later on Tuesday and let him know what I wanted to do. He was ok with whatever I wanted to do. I think I am going to skip it, give us both a break; I have a feeling that this may not be an easy week for him. I am only working three days and want to focus. Anyways, I made it through, I think that somehow we are going to be able to get around this. I asked him how we are going to move beyond this, he asked me what I thought. I told him that he was going to work hard to figure out why he missed these app’ts and I was going to keep coming and talking and try and figure out why I have reacted the way I have.

Thank you everyone for reading and listening and responding to me. I read the forum several times a day but rarely respond. I am so grateful that I found this place to help ground me.

So the question remains did I slay the dragon, Or just wave a big scary sword in front of him?

Or maybe stopped making him into a dragon?

Hugs
CNC

What a revealing session. I think he made the right decision in self disclosing as it is part of the reason why he has messed up with you twice and I loved your power dressing, will remember that if I need it.

I think he certainly realised he had to eat humble pie and appropriately. Well done.

I am impressed actually. With you and with him for being well and truly able to apologise and admit what a F*CK up he did. He is really able to accept that and take it on board and he did not seem to expect to be let off by disclosing what was going on in his life. Thank goodness. Yes, all therapists have lives and stuff, that is why they have supervision. He needs to look carefully at how many clients he has messed up with by not being able to fulfil his professional work with them.

I think he is not a dragon, just needs to reflect seriously with his supervisor about what is going on in his life and KEEP remembering that forgetting an appointment is NOT really an option. EVER. Yes, it happens, but I would explain to him, as I did before, that you will in future bill him for YOUR time if he does it again, as you could have been working them. A penalty that is appropriate I think.



Well done, CNC, well done indeed.