Sorry to hear you are dealing with so much right now, R2G, and without any distractions...that is a difficult place to be in, for sure. I do not think it is ever "wrong" to call your T. It just depends on what level you need the relationship to function at for you- do you need to have between session contact? Maybe now would be a good time to establish that, especially if you feel like you are in any kind of danger, or, equally, just badly in need of comforting contact. My understanding that it is supposed to be about what you need, and not depriving yourself of what will make you feel better. If your T is liberal about between session contact, or, if you want to just be really brave, and find out for yourself if she is, and what her policy is- by calling and asking in the context of this emergency. What do you need right now...should be the question you are asking yourself, I suppose. It is a risk- for sure. Trusting your T not to drop you when you are anxious and badly hurting is a risk. Has she shown you that she is capable of taking whatever you throw at her?

BB

R2G... you have an urge to call her because she has become your attachment figure, your secure base and you need to check in with her when you are stressed, sad, confused, sick or upset. It's a strong biological pullt to do this. All you probably need to hear is a bit of reassurance that will take 2 minutes on the phone. You need to know that she is there, that things are okay and that she will see you soon. All very normal stuff.

According to my T... I can call or email him anytime I need contact. He would much rather spend a few minutes with me to reassure and encourage me than have it turn into something more serious down the line which will be harder and/or more complicated to sort out... in addition to causing me to suffer and deny myself contact with him.

I think if you feel the need to connect with your T... then just call.

I hope you feel better soon.
TN

quote:

Has she shown you that she is capable of taking whatever you throw at her?

I *think* so... this relationship is still very new - just two months old. Yesterday I brought up my fears around this work - I've left previous Ts when there were too many red flags and not enough boundary holding on their end. The one T I didn't leave, left me (she moved) and I wasn't ready for her to go. When I told my T this yesterday, she was reassuring that she wasn't going anywhere, and that she'd hold the boundaries for me so I didn't have to go anywhere either. But we haven't established the communication between sessions yet, so I don't know how she is with that.

I don't know. I know she does not work Fridays, so she isn't in the office today. I know her "urgent" number is her cell phone. I know I don't have a good enough reason to call, other than I just feel needy - which I hate - especially when I have no idea what I need.

This is all so confusing. I'm turning on the TV and I'm going to try to read a book to distract myself. Maybe that will help.

quote:

R2G... you have an urge to call her because she has become your attachment figure, your secure base and you need to check in with her when you are stressed, sad, confused, sick or upset.

Thanks TN. I hated admitting that I'm getting attached to her, but I did admit it yesterday. I think you're right - that's why I have such an urge to call her now, since she knows I'm attached now.

We'll see if I can muster up the courage to call... I have no idea what I'd even say!

R2G...we may have cross posted. I know why you need to call her...

see above

TN

Room2Grow,

Haven't said Hi yet but wanted to!! Good luck with your decision to either distract yourself or call her. I hate the phone call thing myself. My T hasn't given me boundaries with the phone call thing. I told him that I needed to be able to call him when I need him and he said yes. But I find it a pain in the buttocks!!

R2G,

What if you placed a call to her and told her that you don't really have anything that really constitutes an emergency and that because of that, you feel a little silly for calling her...but that you really needed to connect with her for a few minutes, that you don't need a full session...just need to connect. I'm willing to bet that she will completely understand and be glad that you called.

quote:

My T hasn't given me boundaries with the phone call thing. I told him that I needed to be able to call him when I need him and he said yes. But I find it a pain in the buttocks!!

Hi Liese - I totally get what you're saying here - big pain in the bum! I have yet to ask about phone boundaries, though during my freak out from last week's google search incident, my T did ask why I didn't call her and instead waited a week torturing myself, so maybe that's a go-ahead to call? I will be bringing this up at my next session.

quote:

you don't really have anything that really constitutes an emergency and that because of that, you feel a little silly for calling her...but that you really needed to connect with her for a few minutes, that you don't need a full session...just need to connect.

Well, I had planned to do this LG, and your suggestion was the perfect "in" for me to start the message, but I chickened out. I distracted myself by reading the archives here on the cafe, and then took a nap. Unfortunately, I woke up wanting to call her even more....

DF, I am so kicking myself for not calling her. If I called her this afternoon when I my anxiety was at it's peak for the day, she likely would have called back and my evening would not have been so anxiety ridden. I have decided that I will call tomorrow (not the urgent #, just her regular office #) and tell her that "I just had a rough day yesterday, and felt the need to call, but didn't. And could we possibly discuss the boundaries for phone calls at my next session please?"

Ugh. I don't like that I prefer isolating rather than reaching out. When does it get easier to be ok with being needy?!

P.S. I have had her picture open on my computer ALL DAY today. I also listened to the 2 VM I have saved on my phone. I think that helped, but seriously? WTF am I doing to myself here?!

quote:

When does it get easier to be ok with being needy?!

P.S. I have had her picture open on my computer ALL DAY today. I also listened to the 2 VM I have saved on my phone. I think that helped, but seriously? WTF am I doing to myself here?!

R2G... It's simple...it will get easier to be okay with being needy when you express your needs and you are told they are normal and okay and your T meets those needs... and does this over and over and over again until your neural pathways begin to change in your brain.

Just because I said it's simple does NOT mean it's easy to accomplish this. It takes time and practice and risking and a T who is accepting and reassuring. But it can be done.

As for the picture and vm's... you are using those as transitional things to connect you with your T who it seems has become your attachment figure. You are using these things and by proxy.. her... to regulate your emotions and your distress. It's a very good and healthy thing you are doing so don't beat yourself up over it.

BTW, I think you definitely should leave her that message tomorrow. She would want you to. I feel very sure of that.

How are you feeling...? Any better? Take care,
TN

There were a few things T said on the phone today I wish I could have recorded to get me through my week...

Hi R2G and welcome. I ring my P nearly every day. He always tells me he is around if I need him and I guess I always need him. Sometimes I just ring and say I feel crap and we just talk for a couple of minutes - I think it is just about connecting. Good luck with your call.

I. Can't. Do. It.

I can't bring myself to call her. I don't want to cross a boundary, especially since we haven't discussed phone calls yet.

I've never called a T in the past. Ever. Heck, I've only reached out to a friend when I was desperate ONCE. I wish I wasn't so d@m^ self-sufficient sometimes. I wish I was ok with reaching out.

I want to call. For now, I'm going to the chiropractor. Maybe that will distract me enough to make it through the rest of the day. I mean, I see her in 56 hours for crying out loud - I can make it that long, and then discuss this in person, right?!

R2G,

Yes, of course you can make it that long to discuss it in person, but I think its also important to know that if you want or need to, you can reach out sooner.

It's so hard. I was freaking out last Monday, stuck in some pretty scary thoughts, but I still couldn't get myself to call. I told T I almost called, but I thought my shame over that would make things worse. Now that we have done that phone session, I think I would be a bit more comfortable...but I always feel I am overreacting, no matter how bad things get. Probably that internalized "I don't care" message from my childhood that told me my feelings didn't matter and were burdensome to others when I expressed them. It's so unfair that those voices still have so much power over us.

Ugh. I am sitting at the chiropractor right now and my least favorite song is on - How to Save a Life by The Fray. When I'm in a good space, I really like this song. When I'm in a not-so-good space this song pisses me off and makes me cry.

You are right, I know I can make it til my session Monday, which is what I'd prefer to do, but then again, I am one who seems to enjoy torturing myself by depriving myself of things I know would make me feel better. Including calling my T.

Lots of food for thought for my session Monday, for sure. I know I can wait to call, but I don't need to wait. I wonder what I'll end up doing?

Well, I think if you are going to torture yourself all weekend anyway, you might as well call her. Sure, you might torture yourself with feelings of having been too needy after you call her, but if you are going to torture yourself all weekend anyway, you might as well at least get to talk to T, right?

LG has a great take on this here. I never thought of it that way. If you're going to be suffering no matter what, you may as well suffer and have a moment's relief from touching base with your T.

I did it! I called. Left a message. I *hope* she does not call back. (I think.) After all, I do see her on Monday.

I'm feeling very relieved, at the moment. LG, you presented an interesting perspective, and whether I talk to her or not, at least I opened the door by calling.

I am actually going to take a nap now, and turn my ringer off. If she does call, I'll now have a third VM to keep.

Thanks for walking me through all this everyone. Anxiety sucks all the clarity out of my brain!

Congrats. You are clever. Hrm...maybe that's how I can get my T's voice recorded without having to ask.

I think if I ever try to call, I probably will panic as soon as it rings and hang up. I'm so impressed by your courage, R2G!

I'm glad you called, R2G! Good for you!

Somehow I missed this thread- yay R2G...that was a smart way to handle it! did she ever leave a message?

BB

Hey everyone,

When called and left the message Saturday, I really did not expect a call back, to be honest (even though I wanted one!) With my whole boundary challenge, I have to ask for what I want.

Today, though, my T said that I am free to leave a message for her whenever I want to. If I want a call back, I do need to ask for it, otherwise, we'll discuss the contents of my message(s) in session. Considering I generally don't go more than 3 days between sessions, that's a pretty sweet deal.

It did, however, completely freak me out and I have been sitting here in tears for the last half hour trying to journal my way through these emotions around calling. I was given permission to call whenever I need to. I am hyperventilating thinking about that. That amount of freedom is scary - I'm afraid that I'll go over board and leave too many messages. Or I'll do the opposite, and now that I have permission to call, I'll never reach out and call!

(Now I get it why my students seem to always do the opposite - when I give them talk time, they are silent. When they're supposed to be working silently, they can't stop talking!!)

The joys of living in my brain... the last place I'd want anyone to live!

R2G... I think your T handled things very well and it opened up a good discussion between you.

Could it be that all these emotions were stirred up because there is your T... someone important to you who is meeting an important need, who understood you and HEARD you and was kind to you?? Sometimes the good things are just as hard as the bad stuff because we are so unused to it. It seems to touch us in that really deep core place inside.

If I can share here... I felt the same emotions when my T said it was okay for me to bring my blanket and that he felt I should leave it out where it could be seen by him so he will think of me when I'm not there! I was so overcome with emotion I lost the ability to talk to him.

I think it's good that you are journaling through your emotions and if you need your T... call her... she is there for you.

TN

R2G, I have that same problem around texts. I either go all or nothing on them. And it actually hurts (almost physically) when he tells me to text as much as I feel like it, touch base whenever needed. It's HARD to receive that kind of care!!!