BB,

I go back and forth all the time. I'll have a good wek followed by a bad week. Many times there is no explanation for the switch. I see it as a pendulum. My good days/weeks are really good. I hope and I pray that the pendulum won't swing back but it always does. I just have to trust that on my bad days/weeks that it will swing back.

As with a pendulum, gravity eventually slows it down until it returns to no movement at all. This is what I am waiting for. I hope my theory is correct.

-Stuck

Thanks SBR- it helps to remember that hopefully I won't always feel this sad. It' so hard to accept.
I don't understand how T's can do this to people and not seem to really understand the level of pain that they put us in by not being consistent in their response to us. It just seems like if it is too much to be able to respond consistently they should either take less clients or find another job or something. gosh.

quote:

Does anyone else experience these places where you feel like you are holding it all together and very tenuously and then it just all crumbles back again to where you were before or worse? Nothing I try to do feels real.

BB - I've been feeling a lot like this lately. It seems like every time I make progress, get my bearings, get OK with therapy and what that relationship is, even if T wont define it for me, then all of a sudden one of my panics hits me and I am back to square one. I try to remind myself (as T does) that I haven't lost all ground. Even just my awareness of being back in a place I don't want to be in is more than I had before. Sometimes, I feel a bit like I'm God's yoyo right now and He's doing all sorts of neat-looking tricks, spinning me all over the place, from one extreme to another. And I get dizzy, disoriented, scared, tired, all the sorts of things you would imagine that sort of constant spacial flux would do to you, except in this case, it's emotional flux. I don't know if this resonates with you. I am truly sorry it is so hard right now and it feels like your grasp on therapy, T, your life, is slipping away. All I can say is hold on and trust...but I know when you're danging at the end of that very long string, so far away that you can't even see anyone around, that feels so impossible...

(((BB))) You're not alone. I promise.

Beebs I'm sorry you feel that you are losing ground in your life and in your therapy. You mention pills... are these A-D's?? I ask because is it possible that you are having these feelings now as a side-effect of the meds? Just something to consider and discuss with T and your prescribing doctor. Also, the alcohol may be contributing to depressive symptoms because while it is used as a coping mechanism to numb... it is also a depressant. Beebs... it's important here that I am not judging you in ANY way at all, I'm just observing a few things that are going on.

I know you are also upset that you cannot remember your session and I was wondering if it was possible to ask your T if you could tape your sessions? It may help you to get a bigger benefit from them, especially to hear the good stuff T is saying to you that we all tend to block out.

I also think you are having a bad reaction to emailing your T and feeling it was wrong, feeling guilty, worried what he will think, uncertain if you will get a response... this is all anxiety provoking stuff hon. It's terrible to need connection and feel wrong and bad and guilty for wanting it. His lack of response is NOT your fault! This set up of his fuzzy email and communication boundaries is making you feel like you are doing something wrong. No wonder you feel like this. As for longing for your T... well the more we are denied something it seem the more we want or need it. I'm sorry you feel this need is making you crazy. I know there were times I felt like this with oldT...and especially just after the abandonment when I was sick and in the hospital. I ached with need for him. I was haunted by this intense need and the knowledge it would never be answered ever again.

I think part of the reason I don't get so crazy with this need with my T now is because he is there, he accepts any and all contact, he is open about how he feels, he is good with however I feel about him, he tells me to miss him LOL...and it takes away the intensity of the need and the grief of not having what I need. I do pretty much get what I need from him (within reason). I do struggle when I have to separate from him and the handshake helps and knowing I can email him or call him helps. I'm not sure what the latest policy is on emailing your T....but I do think he is wrong if he cuts it off totally.

You ask if I ever experienced slipping into despair and not knowing why. I have always pretty much known why I was in despair. I experienced it much more with oldT because he would leave me in a bad place fairly often. When I experience it with my T now it's usually the transference to oldT making me crazy. But in general Beebs... you should have SOME sessions where you are feeling better or stable or enlightened in some way, especially after the number of years you have spent with this T. With my newT, even though I was horribly traumatized by oldT I DID leave some sessions feeling better and more grounded and calm even in the first few months of therapy with him. So this concerns me... that you don't feel better and at times even worse.

Can you recall the last good, uplifting, attuned and productive session you had Beebs? I do hope you have had some. I hate the pain you are in and wish I could do something to help you. I think you are trying to please everyone so they are happier with you... just like you did with your parents. But let's not forget about BB and what she needs and wants.

Hugs to you
TN

If holding ourselfs together is what alcohol means to us, then it makes sense that this is what you will do when you have opened yourself which often times then feels as if we are falling apart, but to fall apart is necessary so we can put ourselfs back together in a way that is right for us, this feeling of going forward then backwards is part of the pattern of healing, healing is a spiral and not a straight line.

I'm sorry I never came back and thanked you, Stuck, Yaku, Monte, TN, and FF, for your help. I kinda completely spaced out and lost the last few days and don't really know what happened to them again. It's not a very good excuse but maybe explanation why I forgot to respond to your responses. I currently can't come up with anything constructive to say, but I wanted to thank you, anyway, and let you know I'm mulling them over.

Love,

BB

((((BEEBS))))

I just want to be able to get up every morning and know how I feel about the people who are in my life and love the people who are in my life. Do the right thing, be responsible and take care of my family. Why do I feel so incapable of doing any of that? Why can't I just write myself a to-do list and get up and follow it? Is it not so simple Beebs? How do other people do it? Sorry if I'm only making you more depressed.

Love,

Liese

I can't do it either lately, Liese. You know, I used to be that person, list with a bunch of checkmarks. Then, therapy let all these parts I've been dealing with out of quarantine and very few of them have any inclination to accomplish things. Sometimes it feels like these states I get into are actively sabotaging me. Other times it feels like the bickering between divergent ways of being is so distracting, I can't muster the energy to do anything other than put up with this. I don't know if your experience is the same, but it seems like existing in itself is so much work lately...

Guess I'm adding to the fog here. Anyway, all I'm trying to say to you, Liese and BB, is that I think it is normal to get to a place when everything inside is in turmoil, rearranging itself and all the energy gets pulled into that vortex and can't manifest in outward accomplishments. Maybe we can try to think of it as things getting straightened up inside, how we feel about ourselves (all the different ways we are) getting cleaned up, learning to take care of ourselves, etc. It may take a while for the inside cleaning to manifest itself in our outward interactions, but a good work is really happening, I think...that's where I'm putting my hope.

((((Beebs)))))

It can feel so frustrating when we take steps backwards, especially after we have put so much into moving forward. It can feel so defeating. However, as long as you are taking more steps forward than you are taking backwards, you are making progress.

How are you doing today with things?

Thanks so much, Liese, Yaku,LG and STRMS-

it's good to know I'm not alone, but I'm sad for others who are dealing with it. It can get pretty hopeless feeling at times. I'd like a magic wand, that I could wave, and we'd all wake up tomorrow morning with the ability to accomplish and live the lives we all long to live. W will get there, just not as fast as we would like I guess.

I have a session tomorrow, LG, and all- and as usual I am pretty freaked out. The whole idea of it is just starting to get to me- thanks for asking how I'm doing, even though I've been so so uncommunicative, and unhelpful to everybody. Sorry about that, I just can't be *there* lately. I can't think of the right things to say, I can't do it good enough, I.. I am coping, but I just never seem to learn that I will always slide back to where I was before, so I keep trying to crawl out of this hole. I have no way of knowing if, when I slide back, maybe I am in a slightly better place than the last time, but I have to keep hoping. What I have to do more of, clearly is *trying.* That's the part I always give up on. I *hope* I will try anew tomorrow. Sucky dependence and avoidance. Bad combo.

BB

(((((Beebs)))))
I'm sorry, I totally missed this thread before. I am sorry, I have experienced that slipping backwards and how it can lead to despair, but it's the nature of therapy I believe. There's nothing linear about it, it's more circular and meandering in nature. I am sorry that you are in so much pain. I hope tomorrow's sessions goes well and brings you some relief. You're in my prayers, feathered one.

love, AG

Also I guess I am starting to feel really abandoned by my SD, and it's not even his fault. But the closer it gets to his departure date, the more Iam pulling away from the help he gives me, and that is just, in my situation, really *not* a good thing because...it's complicated. It's just bad, very bad, but it's not anything I can do anything about. I asked him to meet and he did not reply, which is unheard of. I am losing him already. Time to find my own way again in the strange and painful world of religious belief which has always pretty much defined me. I don't know how I will do this. It's really *not* possible anymore without my SD, for me- at this point in time, he does something absolutely crucial for me that nobody else can possibly do...and that I can't possibly explain except to say that he understands where I am at and does not judge me for it, though it's very bad at times- but allows and encourages me to take part fully in every aspect of my religion without any guilt, and all of this from a totally trustworthy person whose word I can count as as totally *not* self-interested, unlike many others in his vocation. So I just don't know what I will do, if I will be able to participate anymore, and stuff like that. And that might be bothering me absolutely more than anything else ever will.

BB

oops I crossposted with you, dear Aglet. You have nothing to apologize for. I know you are swamped. I miss you.

Love Beebs

arg. I'm like DF. I hate page two.

Oh can I join you on page two? *jane scooches over next to bb with a big silly grin on jane's face*

anyhow...

I'm totally zonked tonight, and don't have much of anything useful to say. I'm so sorry you are feeling so discouraged - and that you are even having to face your SD leaving too on top of it all. I hope and pray that your session with your T tomorrow goes really well and you find some connection, comfort, relief, and encouragement.

many hugs to you,
~ jd

aw, jane...it is SO nice to have you here on page two with me!

sweetie. (((((JD))))

BB

Hi Beebs...thinking of you. Did you have your session yet? If not... then I wish you the best. Try to relax and say what you need to.

Hugs
TN

AW, TN...thank you so much for asking. My session went pretty well. Lately they don't seem to leave me in such a completely bereft and miserable place, anymore...I'm not at all sure why. Is it me who has changed or T? I feel pretty good, after this session,(for me )A bit sluggish, but that is not the worst thing. I think my T and I must have done some major repair work along the way somewhere, but for the life of me I can't really remember much about it, and yes you are right- I should ask to tape sessions. I am afraid that in doing that, I will become even more nervous and self-conscious though but it is something I have been weighing.. maybe I could ask him even if I could tape just *one* session, not every one- or something like that.
But I felt myself not struggling so much about not being able to talk very well but in some way, kind of let it be, and even made a few jokes with my T about being sorry I'm not "dazzling him with my usual sparkling dialog." It was nice to laugh a bit with him, and I felt accepted in that, for once.

anyway- my T has not been leaving me in such bad places anymore, and this morning I do remember that even he smiled at me, which he used to do more often, I think. I asked him why he smiled and laughed and I was not sure what he said in response. We also chatted about some stuff, like the weather, and he asked me how are my kids doing, which for some reason felt like a really big deal. I was able to tell him about my SD leaving, and almost broke down, but held it together as I did not want to be left alone in that crying that never stops again. I actually am glad that I was able to stuff it, so to speak. He persists in trying to get me to initiate session content, and I find it difficult and frustrating, but I know he thinks it's crucial or he wouldn't keep doing that after all our discussions about it and how much I hate it. I feel often less intense about our sessions- they just seem like talking to anybody else about my issues, not my T, really, but at the same time, they are good and I am opening up more as a result of the lack of intensity in me, it's hard to expalin, I wish I could find the words to describe it. But- I am not leaving session in a state of utter despair and desolation, for the past few times, and they have been more helpful and safe-feeling, like he is friendly and not so much, an enemy.

My T taught me something valuable this morning, that I will share, as I remember it. I was able to share some things that I find very disturbing and affects my life and the life of my kids to a great extent. That I have these awful movies that play in my head that are quite detailed in their descriptions of the horrible things that will happen to my children if I *ever* let them out of my sight. They are truly awful and make me to be extremely over-protective. My T told me that you can try a trick, where you play the movie in reverse, sort of like an old-fashioned speeded up film, only in reverse. So I've been trying that a bit and in the movies where there is a lot of movement, it kind of works in that it rids these fantasies of some of their power over me. So that is a help, and it feels a bit like "laughing in the devil's face," or thumbing my nose at these thoughts, which I like.

Silly to say, but the small talk and the smile helped so much too. I feel somewhat ashamed of that, like, I didn't work hard enough in session or something. But I also feel a little bit of happiness or interest inside, which is foreign and welcome. T said that he felt the "connection was good," and although I am not quite sure what his definition of connection means, I suppose he was quite right. The other thing is that, T mentioned, how do you feel about going back to sessions for two hours every two weeks, now? and I just froze at the question. I remember saying that it felt like such a simple question, why would it freeze me? He responded that no, there is a lot to weigh in the question, and to email him with what I decided. I can't decide.

BB

Glad your session went well and sorry you also have a hard time remembering. I think a lot of the reason I journal so much recently is trying to capture these experiences with T. Glad to know I am also not the one who gets horrible, paranoid thoughts about things happening to loved ones. I don't really like to talk about it too much, but I'm nearly convinced my H is going to die in a plane crash every time he has a business trip (like he does in a couple of weeks) and see a "movie" of raising my daughter without him, explaining to her he is gone, her forgetting him over time, etc. I get that also about losing Boo. And then, what I would do if I lost her (um...no good). I will try your T's trick sometime.

Thanks Yaku. I hope my T's trick works for you.I don't always have those movies but when they come they can be kind of numbing/distressing, or I suppose they have an impact on my later action/inaction around stuff to do with my kids..maybe. idk. Thanks for your reply when you are in the middle of so much distress. I hope things are getting a wee bit better for you.

I am seriously compromised for words or ability to post, respond, or say much of anything, right now, and I don't know what is causing it- maybe I'm just tired or lazy but I feeeeel sooooooo sluggish. So I am very sorry that I did not respond in very timely manner. Someone who is really sweet deleted their post to me, and I feel very bad that I hurt you or embarrassed you by not replying. Your post meant a lot to me, because you understood exactly how it feels to me to lose my SD like this, and how painful that is, and it just meant a lot to me. (((((((hugs and apologies to the very supportive person who needed to delete))))))))

Hi Beebs... it was good to read about your session and to hear that you felt connected and it seems that you got a few really good things from it. Not being completely miserable and bereft is a good thing I would say! It was good to hear that you could make some jokes and that your T smiled nicely at you. That can be so connecting. Both of my T's use/used humor in session and I felt that was really important. You don't have to dazzle your T, just be as open and honest as you are able to. That is all he wants from you. Believe me I have not been dazzling for quite awhile in therapy. I mostly cry. But even despite that my T makes me smile. He is very good at poking me with something that he knows will make me smile. And I do smile because he knows me so well.

You should leave your sessions feeling good and safe and contained. And your T is truly not your enemy. What do you mean that he is trying to get you to initiate the session content? You mean he waits for you to introduce the topic of the session? Well, I guess my T does the same thing... both of them. Old T would ask me questions like how was your weekend? how's your son? what's new? And even if I was sort of frozen I would eventually get to what I needed to say. It would take maybe 15 minutes. With new T ... he says... how are you and then bang we are off to the races. I waste little or NO time with him getting to topic and he is right there with me. He actually told me that we use more of the session than his other clients because I'm able to handle the emotional intensity and we go "up" in intensity and he takes me down and then I go "up" again on my own and somehow we manage to ground me before I leave, sometimes that happens really quickly when time is up.

I am troubled by you ending sentences. Why would your T want to go back to every other week when I think part of your new found calmness regarding therapy is because you have been having regular weekly sessions. I think it has had a stablizing influence on you. Why would he want to mess with that? I think you need the more frequent sessions even if they are shorter (yet 99% of Ts use 50 minute sessions with no problems). Why does your T feel that you need longer sessions? I have used a few longer sessions when I have had major revelations to share with my oldT. I don't even think that is an option with my current T. Unless your T has a very compelling reason to go to every other week I would keep the weekly appointment. I think it's better for you.

Keep posting when you can to let us know how you are doing.

Hugs
TN

I'm so sorry I deleted BB and that it made you think you hurt me in some way cos you didn't at all. I was having anxiety over posting and wasn't sure my input would be of any help as I haven't kept up with all the posts. I wasn't in a good place myself so it was crummy timing for me to choose to start posting again. I feel awful that my bad decision affected you..please forgive me.

I am so sorry for all you are going through BB and it just made me pleased to read of the lovely conncection you felt with your T. ((((BB))))

Hugs
Butterfly

Hi, dear TN- thank you for your care and it means such a lot to me. Especially since I feel like such a parasite lately. I have been thinking of my T as my enemy for long time now and it has of course affected the relationship. Part of that is probably mistakes he's made (maybe) and part of that is me and my deep distrust and the tendency to want to take care of myself and not let anybody else do that. And a lot of it is just the lack of physical presence and proximity, and *time together to sort stuff out so that I feel able to talk about the real stuff.* I'm soooo slow. I need so much time, I'm slower than molasses- I'm realizing this about myself. At this point I'm just trying to get to the point where I have more choices, I think. I'm not there yet. Slowness really compromises choice, I'm discovering. Any way to more even a tiny bit faster?

Yeah, my T always insists that I initiate the session content and this has been very painful and very confusing to me, from day one. If I simply cannot, he will introduce topics, I think, but alwyas goes back to asking me to introduce topics at some point. He has also been very insistent that I must make the decision when to have sessions, how long they should be, etc. This has become a major part of the therapy itself, it seems. So when my T asks stuff like, do you want to go back to two weeks, now- it is a loaded question, and I am pretty sure that he *knows* that- and the ball is still in my court. My guess is that he is trying to train me to discover what I need (directly through what happens in the relationship with him) and then be assertive in asking for it. I *still* after all this time find it most difficult to ask to meet weekly, to just feel ok with that. Most difficult. And then to introduce topics I need to discuss instead of scanning constantly for what my T thinks I should talk about. And his stubborness on not letting me do it any other way, I suppose this *is* helping me, though I *hate* it. I want to sluggishly depend and and let him pull me around. It's overcoming, very slowly, some kind of block or dependency I have that is so often stopping me from ever respecting a need or voicing it. For example- I had a very difficult moment yesterday, and I was able to email my H and tell him all about it and how hurt and angry I was, and ask for some emotional support from him. (which I did not get, really ) but heck- at least I tried. That was really huge for me, especially since I knew my H wouldn't respond the way I needed him to. And he tried...he really did, he just didn't have time, and...I couldn't *talk* about it when he *actually asked* later on... So...I'm just *sad*- but I am growing, I think. Just slower than molasses. I don't want the sadness to take me under anymore. It is just part of me, and part of my situation, and I think T is trying to help me be able to deal with the pain, and keep asking, keep being vulnerable, even though most of the time I won't get what I need. I think he wants me to learn not to close my heart down all the time, even though that will require a lot of me in my marriage. I think that's his strategy, rather than try to eliminate my pain by comforting it it which will be impossible anyway in my case, most likely. Idk- this is all speculation.At least I have somebody there to help me with the pain, even if he can't take any of it away.

I asked my T why he wants to go back to sessions every two weeks, and his response was that he thinks I am just starting to get into the deeper pain at the end of 50 minutes, and he thinks it would be good for me to learn to stay with it a bit longer. And since I can't do double sessions every week, that would mean we have to wait a week in between. But he said that he thinks that if I want to keep things once a week, then he is inclined to agree with that, and that last session was good. But...then he said he has no opening for me next week anyway. So now I am struggling not to give into the thought that my T probably doesn't respect my wishes on this score and has purposefully engineered it to happen this way because he wants to leave me in a place of deep pain again. arg. I really really doubt that T would do that, but emotionally I believe it 100 percent, and I'm at war inside, again. I HATE therapy. Every single time I regain a little bit of trust for T, something happens or he does something like this that makes me feel so distrustful of him again. It's almost inevitable at this point. I either have to learn to deal with it, or move on. Or alternatively, I could communicate this directly to him, but that would have to wait until session...in two weeks time. I'll forget about it by then, or it will just seem petty and stupid. arg. me,me,me,me,me.

Thanks for your help, TN...

BB

BB

Oh, Butterfly, I crossposted with you...I almost didn't see your post! eek! Thank you so much for coming back. You didn't hurt me at all, and I think this forum is really blessed to have you posting. You are always so kind and understanding and compassionate, and your story is a very moving one. I hope things are well with you!

Many, many hugs, it is very good to see you again! You don't need to keep up with all the posts- none of us can anymore, that is totally normal!

((((((flutterby)))))))

BB

Thank you BB for your kind words and understanding.

I really do hope you are able to communicate to your T that you feel distrustful of him rather than just dealing with it. Really sorry you have to wait a whole two weeks.

((((Beebs))))

Flutterby

thanks flutterby! I have expressed that to him before, but not in the context of this new thingy. So idk,if it will still even resonate with me after two weeks or if it will seem like old new, kwim? How are things with you these days? I have been very fit-start with my posting lately, myself, so I am sorry if I missed any of your threads.

hanging the name of this thread. I hate the negative feeling of the title, "losing ground." so I'm calling it ups and downs.

I am late to this post, but wanted to offer some support and words.

I often feel like I am going under and losing ground. My sweet P said that he thinks it is phases caused by the depth of what I am trying to face: I reach a big bit, talk about it, it opens up a deeper layer that was covered before and feels impossible to talk about, and then I go under with the sheer exhaustion of trying to tackle something that feels so big and unsurmountable. This then builds up to a feeling of losing ground and falling down a hole and losing sleep and getting very drained, and then just when I am losing hope, I get an idea of how to talk about it or face it, and then do so, or begin to do so and things open up again and take off.

And in all of this process he tells me that I am doing okay. I am really doing okay. which helps.

(((((Beebs))))
Thinking of you my sweet!!
M

quote:

I asked my T why he wants to go back to sessions every two weeks, and his response was that he thinks I am just starting to get into the deeper pain at the end of 50 minutes, and he thinks it would be good for me to learn to stay with it a bit longer.

I'm sorry, but I'm guessing that you already have plenty of experience being in immense pain by yourself. Being forced to extend the time between sessions and sit with the pain alone even longer isn't (IMHO) going to help you at all. It makes me sad for you. You need someone to be there for you and WITH you in the pain, not leave you alone in it and insist you get more experience doing that.

Anyway, I hope this wasn't too harsh. I'm sorry you are struggling so much my dear BB.

Thanks Sadly, for your support and experiences. It's helpful to know how it goes for others, although I am in quite different situation as we are not doing any trauma processing at all. I can't imagine how hard it must be. (((Sadly)))

aw Morgs, so nice to see you. Thanks for being so sweet yourself. Your little post was big, on comfort and care! (((Morgs)))

STMS, my dear, you are not at all too harsh. I really appreciate your honest feedback, very much. I know it sounds like defending T no matter what, but I have to say that the reason for the longer session was not so much to leave me alone in it, I hope, but rather to be able to stay with it in his presence for longer period of time. I have no idea what this strange pain he speaks of is. He says deep wounds, I say, what wounds? idk... I am not doing the heavy work that some of you on this forum are doing, processing traumas and dealing with parts or traumas and deep anxiety and so on...my situation is different than that, (I think.) I really feel for those of you who have such deep traumas, and just as much for those who have smaller trauma too. Except me. So I'm kinda out to sea...I just don't know why the pain happens and why it brings me so low, and why T is the one who brings it on more than anyone else... it is true that he values me being able to stay with the pain that I experience, as long as it does not become toxic. I'm not sure why he values my pain. But he does. I wish I had more explanations of what is happening. Is my T some kind of sadist? I seriously doubt it. Although I have had a fleeting doubt on that score too...

STRRMS I just love you for saying what you think...bless you.

Love,to all-

BB

BB,

I have to apologize that I didn't understand what you meant and didn't realize your T wanted to extend the session to allow you more time, but then do every other week. I somehow missed that part. I thought he just wanted you to end at 50 minutes and then swim in the pain for two weeks because you need practice in doing that. So sorry for misunderstanding!! Still, I think having the weekly contact would still be better than the long break.

Oh and on the movie in reverse thing, my T does that too. She uses it frequently during EMDR. She will also ask me to give the perps cartoon voices if I can. It does help!

I think your T is trying to show that your pain is important and it needs to have an outlet. I don't think he's a sadist at all. I think he sees it as a sign of deep healing when you are able to show the pain and work through that. Pain is pain and trauma is trauma. I know wanting to minimize it, I do that too, but your pain is every bit as hurtful for you as anyone's here is for them.

(((hugs)))

aw, STRMS- you owe no apology. I wasn't very clear in my post. Yeah, unfortunately due to budgeting I can't afford longer than 50 minutes once a week, or, alternatively, a double session once every two weeks. and I am slow, I know that. I takes me half an hour to get to the point of being able to say a few things honestly, and then we have only a short time with the real material. I guess that's his reasoning- but, unlike with my SD, I do think T underestimates the huge value of simple, human contact with someone who one basically, adores. Like, our little conversation on the weather had loads of underlying meaning, for me. T understood how hard it is to have such a long winter here. I don't think he totally understands that when he smiles at me- or just wants to know a little about me- it is *healing.* I just don't think he gets that part. Sure I need the words and the smart thoughts and talking too...but, it's the interest and care and the little things, like my SD does all the time- that gets to the heart of who I am, and then I can begin to smile and feel a bit more natural and a bit more like a human being. It is lovely, just to be normal, to be someone who matters and is important or makes some kind of difference to a person like that. Really lovely.