quote:

Originally posted by Itshardtosay:
Nobody seems to be interested and when I even say a bit about where I've been, I get looks that tell me stigma is still really strong.

Hi Itshardtosay,

People are freaked out by "mental illness." In our culture, it's a sign of weakness. I'm not sure the people who look at you sideways if you even suggest something about your struggles or about therapy are people you want as close friends anyway.

I have two people in my life who are really there for me as I go through this thing: my therapist and my best friend (and of course the great folks here). Not my parents, not my sisters, not anyone but these two people. I also have a co-worker who knows a bit, but we're not as close.

I don't think it's unusual for people who go through the hell of personal transformation to have only one or two people in their lives who they can really talk to. And it can be hellishly lonely when they're not around.

I don't think I have a strong need to be noticed and validated as worthy, but I think this actually might be one of my problems; I tend to completely ignore, de-value and/or otherwise negate really, really important feelings when I experience them. And it happens pretty automatically. If I felt a stronger need to notice and validate these feelings, I'd be better off, if that makes any sense.

Welcome to the board.
Russ

Russ, thanks for this. I have not connected with anyone outside of my therapist and boss who is familiar with the therapy journey. Family handed my struggle over to me completely a long time ago and want nothing to do with "therapy related anything" ...so no, I didn't know what others experience in as they grow through it. I hope you can here how much I appreciate your comments.

Your comment of ignoring or negating important feelings brought to mind my memory of my nephew when he was really little compared to now. When he was 2 - 3 years old he was so open to life and relationship, you could tell he was glad to be here, delighted to be alive and expressed whatever he felt without fear....he was not hurt yet.
Now, at age 19, after difficult things happened in his family and at school, he is quiet and withdrawn. He hardly speaks and has shown me he's afraid of many things. I have to wonder what he does with all of his feelings?

Fear, actually..terror..related to attachment injury (including lack of emotional support, not having a sense of safety to express feelings and being invalidated when young that prevented a healthy self to develop) has been/still is my biggest issue and I suspect might be a problem with my nephew. I don't know if this might ring true for you.

I hope you are able to work through the place you're at (I strongly suspect you are well along your way to exactly that) and find increasing peace and freedom.

Itshardtosay

Itshardtosay,

Welcome to the forum! I'm relatively new here, too.

I sort of vacillate (I had to try spelling that word 4 times before I got it right!) between wanting to be validated and wanting no one to see me. Sort of a weird thing.

But, anyway, I don't know about your past, so I don't really know what you're referring to, but I've read a lot of books about childhood issues and how they affect our lives as adults. One thing that people often experience is trust issues. From what I've read, we have to learn who is safe and who is not. I used to go around telling everyone everything. Everyone can't be trusted. Everyone is not safe. It takes time to learn about people. We have to understand boundaries, how to set them, who has them, and who doesn't. If someone doesn't have safe boundaries, they're not a safe person to talk to. Anyway, that's how I see it. I no longer talk to everyone I meet about my deepest issues. I spend time with that person. If they don't feel safe, then I don't talk. It's taken a long time for me to learn this.

I hope this makes sense. There's so much more that I want to say right now, but my daughter is yelling at me, and I need to go deal with that, and because of that, I don't even know if what I wrote makes sense.

Yep, what you wrote makes total sense.

I agree that healthy boundaries are needed....growing up I was pretty invaded by people around me - wasn't taught about and didn't have the opportunity to set many boundaries. I learned much the same as what you said in my therapy and now assess whether or not I can trust people before I hand my tender inner self stuff over to them. Trouble is, I hardly find anyone who I sense is worthy of my trust.

I have to practice setting boundaries every morning before I go off to work otherwise I get creamed that day. I have a card with reminders written on it that I keep in a little box just inside the door of my house. I put my work and car keys in the box so I have to open the box to get my keys before I leave for work. I do this because otherwise, I forget to put up a strong boundary and get grounded in the morning. What I read on that card each morning is:
"Protect your tender inner world. No one has the right to it. Be prepared. Be adult. Leave your young self at home. You are Powerful - a Bright and Multifaceted Star. Picture white protective light surrounding you today."

Since I started doing this, I have been feeling more in control at work, I feel less fearful, more adult and haven't dissociated as much. I've found that learning how to decide who is safe, and who is not, is possible it just takes time and work to figure it out. I guess I was feeling pretty isolated and sad that a lot of people still stigmatize others. The weirdest thing in my life now is that I work in mental health and I find stigma still abounds in my workplace. That is what got me thinking this way today....

Itshardtosay

quote:

Originally posted by Itshardtosay:
Fear, actually..terror..related to attachment injury (including lack of emotional support, not having a sense of safety to express feelings and being invalidated when young that prevented a healthy self to develop) has been/still is my biggest issue and I suspect might be a problem with my nephew. I don't know if this might ring true for you.
Itshardtosay

Is the Pope Catholic?

Yes, all of that applies to me very well, especially "not having a sense of safety to express feelings and being invalidated when young that prevented a healthy self to develop."

And I am here to say that this can cause the most horrific suffering imaginable. I hope your nephew can get to another place safely and avoid what we're all going through.

Best,
Russ

quote:

Originally posted by Itshardtosay:
~ The injury was chronic and profound; the healing is chronic and profound. ~ J.Charron

By the way, who exactly is J. Charron? I like that quote.

Russ

Russ,

I agree with your statement attachment injury "can cause the most horrific suffering imaginable"...and I am sorry you and so many of us suffer the agony it brings.

Thanks for your good wishes for my nephew.

The positive end to the pain we have after childhood attachment injury and trauma is that we know there is hope for healing...at least we know we can work through the process ...it doesn't have to be a life long sentence of agony.

Joanne Charron MSN, is a trauma therapist at London Health Sciences Centre in Ontario. I didn't want to steal her great statement and not give her the credit. It's so true, eh?

Hi IHTS ..

Welcome to the Forum A great bunch of people here, and you will hopefully enjoy your stay There's certainly a wealth of personal life experience knowledge here that is worth tapping into.

I worked with many people who had mental illness, before I snapped my crayon and joined the ranks. There is a huge issue with the social disapproval of people with a mental illness - try being gay and mentally ill! two socially undesired types of people all rolled into ME! Talk about a double whammy Sorry, I'm being silly - it's getting late.

I haven't even talked to my P about my issue with needing to be acknowledged/validated for things I do. But at the same time I don't accept the praise and tend to diminish the acknowledgement by sounding like I'm not worthy of it, if that makes sense. If my boss tells me I did a good job with a client, I respond with " whatever, I did my job". Or if my mother-in-law comments on my weight loss I respond with "I've got a long ways to go", even though I should be proud of the huge losses I have made. I want to be able to say THANKS and LOOK AT ME! But I have this thing with trusting that people are telling me the truth, or are they just being nice to get something from me (even those that are closest to me). I will often bake or cook a meal for friends or family, I know I'm a Martha Stewart knockoff in the kitchen, but I can never accept the compliments "Anyone can read a cookbook!" So I do things to get the acknowledgement because I love to hear it, but then I don't know what to do with it when I get it, and in response I reject it by dismissing it! Whoa .. I AM ILL!!!! My first A-HA moment LOL

I guess that there wasn't any useful info in there was there? Maybe I was just saying you aren't alone

Have a good one, and be well!

Holly

Hi HollyBabyO.......it's very nice to meet you.

Sounds like we have a lot in common.

I was once told by my old
wicked-witch-of-the-west therapist to stop bashing myself and accept compliments gracefully. The way she gave advice, the tone of her voice and inflection often left me feeling demeaned but...I tried it. The first time I just said "Thanks" felt really weird. Then it got easier!


I guess what I would like from validation around the recovery work I've done and how astounding it is...(to me and those who knew me before!)....is that people would want to hear how it happened. So many fall through the cracks and plainly, die in it. The $$$ cost of old traditional treatment (hospitalizations, shock therapy, meds) is ridiculous.

It is exciting to know that forever misery does not have to be if people are offered kick-ass therapy.

I am glad there is the new Mental Health Commission of Canada out there doing its thing. I felt kind of snubbed by them when I tried to help by being on a committee or volunteering in another way.....they are big and using big shots to run it, which I guess makes sense, but it still hurt and left me feeling small and stupid or whatever. When I wrote expressing interest the letter they sent back was frankly, rude. But whatever, I'm glad they're trying to change options for people who have been historically cast off and abused.

I'm hoping you might try the "Thanks" thing and see if it works for you.

Very funny quote by Freud

Itshardtosay.

Hi IHTS

Thanks for your note; See I can do it

I have been trying to do things differently because I can see on my own without a shrinks help that I have this issue (though I will talk to her about it for more insight). I'm learning to say Thanks and just accept praise or gifts. Ewe, I hate getting gifts from most people. I'll give till I don't have a cent left in the bank, but please don't give me anything! My mother-in-law threw us a surpise wedding shower a couple of years ago. They expected us to open gifts there in front of everyone. I couldn't do it and passed them all off to my partner to do (which I later caught hell for). Another thing I absolutely hate is giving or receiving hugs from people or kids (except from my partner and MY family), it took me about 8 years before I could hug my mother-in-law! So I still have a huge way to go with the visibility thing, but as long as I know it's there, I can do little things to change my behaviours.

I didn't know about a new mental health commission. It's probably run by a bunch of beurocrats with split personality disorders LMAO

Anytime you wanna chat - drop me a line

Ha! hey cool, you are funny.

Yeah, some of this healing stuff isn't exactly rocket science, you just have to DO it.

Hmmm...
It's hard to feel like that when people want to give you things....is it shame, embarrassment or a feeling that you don't deserve gifts that won't let you accept them easily? Aren't you valid and awesome enough to be honored?

Talking about giving when you don't have a cent left....my sister buys me gifts when I know she can't afford them and that makes me feel awful.....sometimes I won't accept them.

The hug thing is not too cool with me either...if I'm in a spot where I kinda have to, I make it mechanical and brief....yukky yukky stuff, I'd say.
I have said point blank "No" to past requests for a hug and it caused more upset than I like to deal with so I usually give in and get it over with quick.

Yeah, I hear ya!

I have said no to hugs and offered a handshake instead. But I've been giving in too because my P tells me to try doing it and to try feeling it and enjoy the hug, supposedly I will find that feeling pleasant and be more open to it in the future. HAH - it kills me to hug, and yeah it's mechanical! I've started to hug kids a little more - they don't understand why I don't want to hug them, so I feel bad and give a quick one,I used to just pat kids on the head to say goodbye. I panic when a lil kid wants a kiss though .. I have no idea why! Nutty I guess.

How old are you IHTS? Where are you from?

TTYL,

Holly

I do notlike hugs either. I was raised with no affection so I distrust everyone and offer a hand shake as well. Im working on it....

Aren't we a anti hugging trio!! LOL

Yes we are. Now if we can just learn to trust and hug, then we will be a hugging trio. LOL.

Trust - that's a whole other issue! I try to trust people but no matter who they are they seem to let me down. I think I have given up on the trust thing.

A hugging trio ... innnteresting!!!

Did you ever resend that message?

Holly

Which message? you lost me....Of course I get lost easy.

I sent a forward to your e-mail
I hope you got it this time.
Have a good day.