Hi Halo,

I've seen some of your posts as you've waited for this appointment - I am really glad for you that the wait is nearly over. Soon you will have an idea of what this new P is like, and you'll get a chance to have some of your questions answered.

I have no idea about what would work or not in terms of seeing both for a while, but I'm guessing it will be hugely helpful to be able to communicate to your new P how seriously you feel your attachment to your old T. I guess he needs to know that helping you manage & process your feelings around this has to be a part of the work that you do.

The deeper concern about remembering stuff... I don't know you or much about where you're at but it seems to me a really brave and powerful thing to be able to see that at the source of the other obsessions, and to be able to admit it. I'm guessing it's taken a lot of work and courage to come to that place, and it seems to me in a way to be a sign of strength. Maybe it could even be a first tiny bud of a new readiness to move in that direction - if the circumstances were right and you felt really safe and in control of the process? I'm guessing, here.

J

Hi Jones and thank you for your reply. I think you hit the nail on the head saying that I need to find a place that is safe and as yet that hasn't happened. I am terrified about remembering things and I am not sure if I ever will.

I'm so sorry for your terror, Halo - that is a horrible place to be.

The world is not very good at providing safe places for the kind of vulnerability that can offer healing. I believe they exist, though - especially because I read of people on this board finding them.

I am glad you are still looking for a safe place - if not to remember, at least to experience some stability and protection. I'm also glad you are protecting yourself in the meantime. NOT remembering seems to me like a really smart thing for the mind to do until the time is right.

Take care. And very good luck with that first appointment - hope you will post how it goes.

Hi Halo. I just want to say good luck to you with your appointment on Monday ( it is monday, right?). Please keep us updated. Things are about to turn around for you; I can feel it.

Thanks Jones and Echo, only 20 hours and 28 minutes to go....but who's counting...it has been 3 months since I had any therapy and since it was with my exT it wasn't good therapy anyway.

Good luck, Halo! You have already grown so much in wisdom and clarity just in the time you've been waiting - I can hear it in your posts. There is strength in recognizing when you need and deserve something better for your own healing and you took the steps to get it. And you've taken amazing care of yourself in the meantime. I hope you know that you should already be very proud of yourself.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping for a good start with the new T. I hope they can create a safe place for you to heal - you deserve that so much. I'll be waiting to hear how it goes for you.

Hugs,
SG

I also want to wish you good luck on this new journey. Only a few hours to go, and if I were in your spot I know my stomach would be churning! Hopefully this long wait will be worth what you will gain in the end. Keep us posted!

Sending you good wishes for tomorrow, Halo. Take a deep breath and it will all be fine. You have already come so far and learned so much. I just wanted to tell you that safe places do exist... I found a safe place with my T and I never thought I would ever feel safe. I didn't know what that felt like. I know now and I treasure it. You will find it too and you will know when you have found it.

I'll be thinking of you.

TN

Hi everyone and thank you so much for your warm wishes. Well it all went well! He is very gentle and kind and stressed that he takes things slowly and gently because he knows the damage that therapy can cause if it is not handled properly. He said the most important things to work on firstly was my medication and he adjusted those, my sleep (I haven't slept very well since the stalking started 2 years ago) and making sure that it is a place that I feel safe.

I did tell him when something he said made me feel that he was saying what had happened in my childhood was insignificant and he was very careful to clarify what he had said and reassure me.

He also said the relationship with my exT was way too close and clearly quite a problem. He said I can still go and that he will be able to help me work through my attachment issues.

I asked him what it would take to end and he said he never ends. I said that is what my exT said and he said he has a good track record and that he has never ended before and I just kept saying that was what my exT said....I guess I will just have to take it slowly and build up trust.

Thank you again for all of your kind words, I am so glad it is over and I am going back next Friday.

I'm so happy for you, Halo!
You're right, it will take time to build up trust but you are well on your way. I love that he's gentle and kind and reassuring to you. You deserve a lot of TLC after what you've been through!

Hugs,
SG

So glad you have something to hope for now! Frustrating that time is one of the required proofs to healing, but you both have an advantage this time that you didn't have before. It sounds like this new T will be watching out for your best interests from the get go. The best is yet to come!

Halo,

It does sound like you are starting out on the right track and I hope it just continues to get better. Everyone, in therapy, deserves someone who is competent, compassionate and REAL!

KS

Halo,
things will get better now.
It's good that you could tell so many important things directly, and even sort of challenge him about how you felt about him saying some things.
It's so good to find somebody like that. I wish you good luck and I hope you will start feeling the change in your life and the way you feel quite soon. Take care...

Hi Halo

I've been away from the forum for a few months so we've never had an opportunity to chat before. I had read your previous post "I Went Back" as well as others previous to that. I have a similar situation and wondered how you have been doing since starting with your new T?

I had spent over a year with a P that I had fallen in love with even though she one day seemed to be interested in helping me and the next day was trying to convince me that I should quit and try again at a later time in my life when I was prepared to share myself more I depth. One day in October I had had enough of her, and realized that I would take her advice and quit and didn't even offer a goodbye as I walked out of the office. No sooner did I get to my car, I wanted to run back to her office and take it all back. I didn't, but have been in great discomfort since. I can't even drive into the neighborhood where her office is without feeling like I 'need' to see her. I think about her daily, sometimes that's all I think about. Like you I know WAYYYY too much about her!

I've been seeing my new T for three weeks and we've pretty much only talked about the P - she thinks I should go back to see her - but I'm afraid that I won't be able to tell the P what I was experiencing (out of embarrassment), that she will refuse to see me, and that seeing her would make things worse for me. I just want to forget about her and move on.

So, that said ... I was wondering how you have been making out since seeing your new therapist.

Thanks Merry Christmas!!

Holz

Hi Holz...I'm not Halo but I wanted to pop in and say that I'm sorry to hear what happened with your P and that you have been struggling ever since you walked out on her. I'm sure you were very hurt when she suggested quitting and that's why you felt you had to. My problem is kind of the opposite of your... I share too much with my T and then I go into complete panic that I have let him get too close to me... that I let him in too far and that he will now know the real me and reject me because he will know the truth. Either way it's so hard.

Right now I'm in a lot of pain because I won't be able to see my T until January 4th ... he's going away with his family. I hate that I miss him so much and that I feel terrified and so alone with him gone. Right now I have this huge painful lump in my chest and I'm having guests for the holidays over the next few days and I need to go into smiling good hostess mode.

Anyway, just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas too. I hope you have some family or friends to spend the holiday with and that you can relax and enjoy.

TN

Hi Holz it is so hard when you have such strong feelings towards your P hey? Did you tell her how you were feeling about her? That was a really hard step for me but doing so taught me to be really honest and upfront with every single feeling and emotion that I have with my P. I do still see my old P and it is getting a little tiny bit easier with him but I try and view my new P as my main source of therapy and that newP has the ability and skills to help me to heal. Whereas old P has problems with boundaries and causes me huge amounts of pain because he is not as professional as he should be and I will be seeing him less regularly (monthly) during the next year.

New P is taking things very slowly and says he can help me with my issues about old P. He says that his first priority is to stabilize my depression and help me heal some of the trauma that is very current in my life right now.

I have tried to leave old P so many times but it causes me so much distress that I am unable to focus on any sort of getting better. The suffering of staying away takes over my life.

Is that how you feel? Does any of this help? Is there anything else you want to know that I can somehow help with?

Hi TN I think we are twins at the moment. I hate being away from my medical support network for so long too. I am so scared that some fresh trauma may occur or that I will remember something and experience something that will trigger something that I cannot cope with on my own.

Also I absolutely find it so hard to put on my happy face for the sake of my children and loved ones but I force myself too. It is exhausting pretending.

I feel like there is a fist clenched around my chest.

I guess because he has rejected me and ended before and taken me back I do expect more rejection but I also think he is trying very hard to prove to me that he won't reject me again.

For about one week recently I experienced feeling accepted by him and the feelings of missing him and obsessing about him went away. It was bliss. Absolutely such a huge relief. I guess that is how I will know I am better. When those feelings are no longer the main focus of my life.

Hi Holz just re-read your post and read the bit about her suggesting you quitting.

That must have hurt. When my old P ever suggested breaks and stuff I would have massive meltdowns that he soon learnt not to mention it again. Abandonment is my thing. What is the main reason that is making you not go back? I don''t know if you can move on without sorting it out withthat person (providing that person is capable and has the skills and will allow you the opportunity). As for not being able to communicate your feelings, come here and practice, I cannot emphasize strongly enough how empowering it will be for you if you can voice your true feelings and emotions. Even if worst comes to worst and you are rejected at least you will have been true to yourself, stood up and made yourself heard and that is pure gold.

Hi TN It's been a long time since we've chatted. I hope that I will be able to be around a little more now that some things have stabilized for me. Thanks for your comments, and I agree "Either way, it's so hard". I don't know my new T well enough to miss her till the 4th (she's away too), which I'm grateful for because I understand the pain you are in, and the predicament of being the smiling hostess in the mean time. I guess we always have to keep in the back of our minds that even our T's need to recharge for short periods of time

I am with my partners family and a friend over the holidays - so I am spending it with some pretty wonderful people who love me. It sounds like you too will be with people you care about .. hopefully you won't have to generate the smile the whole time your guests are there.

Be well, and all the best to you and yours!

Holz

Hey Halo

I had told my P that I was attracted to her about 8 months before I quit. She's a Jekyll/Hyde person so at first she smiled and blushed then it was like she shook it off and became very brash with me. I don't think that it affected our therapy (which wasn't good anyway) but we never spoke of it again.

I do feel much the same as you do .. I can't even drive in the area of her office without feeling a pull to go and see her, and the pain that comes with not being able to. I've even sat in her parking lot just to see her at the end of the day as she walks to her car Can we say 'stalker'!! I just shake my head at myself sometimes because I've NEVER had an attachment like this in my life and have no clue what to do with it.

My P had suggested me quitting (never her ending, but putting it in my court to quit) MANY times and I had a meltdown in her office like you for the first few times, then I just started to get angry and resentful about it!

quote:

What is the main reason that is making you not go back?

Embarrassment on how I left, knowing what she said to my GP in her final report back (which left me more angry and resentful), and most of all I really think she was glad to see the back end of me for the last time. You know, I asked her one time "Do you have to like a person to a degree in order to treat them?" She said no she doesn't have to like anyone to treat them; an illness/problem is an illness/problem and its her job to help people with that and you don't need to like someone to do that. Pretty harsh eh!

But I hear what you are saying about sorting things out with someone and being heard - I try to do that in my personal life. Not so sure she would be receptive to it though

Anyway - thank you for your response!

Be well! Merry Christmas

Holly