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17 replies

Very Confused - Sensitive Question

yakusokuyakusokuMember
OK, this is very sensitive for me. I'm not sure I will even leave this question up here, but I don't feel like I can talk to H or T about this yet.

For the last week or so, I have been having kind of romantic/relationship fantasy feelings come up regarding women. It's not really a sexual thing (actually feeling pretty asexual, not at all interested, pre-puberty sort of attitude), more a sensual/relational/childhood crush sort of feeling...perhaps coinciding with having some healing on my negative attitudes toward femininity (as some of you may have read in my "Thank you for healing" thread). I did have some confusion around gender identity immediately before and during the beginning of puberty, but I have never been attracted to women beyond the occasional notice of a woman as aesthetically pleasing, almost from an artistic point of view. I don't feel guilty or disgusted or anything like that, just confused about it as a married woman and an adult (since the feelings are so child-like, yet romantic and not familial). I was hoping someone on here could tell me if it is normal. I know I should tell T and H, but it feels to awkward to say I am imagining just being in the arms of a woman right now. Red Face

I'm guessing it may be a combination of getting in touch with the trauma stuff from childhood and from my H's condition, a healing attitude on women and connecting back to that period of my childhood right before and after my dad left in which I pretty much hated the idea of being a girl. Anyway, I'm feeling really confused right now and just looking for some guidance. Also, feeling a little paranoid sharing this and having people start worrying I am crushing on them...but don't worry, I'm committed to my marriage. Wink
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room2growroom2growCo-moderator
Hi Yaku,

I am a bit embarrassed to admit this, but...

For the last five or so years, I have found myself drawn to women - not in a sexual way whatsoever - it's more that I'm intrigued by them - the way they look, the way they carry themselves, the way they interact with others, and so on. It isn't any type of chemical attraction, it's more of the fact that I find myself in awe of some incredible women, and really wish I could have the air of confidence, the way of presenting myself, etc, that they have.

A lot of these women that I find myself drawn to are celebrities - thinking about how it would be if I could spend a day with them, watching them, listening to them, knowing them as a person and not a celebrity. I have always felt pretty safe with that.

More recently, though, I've found myself drawn to the people around me. My one and only friend my age is incredible, and I absolutely adore her. I have no sexual feelings toward her whatsoever, but I totally love her - watching her, listening to her, learning from her. The rest of the women I'm drawn to are older than me, but exhibit the same qualities - confidence, finesse, wisdom... No, I'm not drawn to all women, just to those that I really wish I could know better, so I could learn how to gather the qualities they have in my own life.

I hate to say it, but I guess it could be seen as a bit of a crush, but not a romantic crush. I would imagine it is more of the type of crush a parent has on their child.

Thanks for putting this out there Yaku, I've never put words to this outside of my brain before!
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
Yaku,

My take on this is that sexuality and sexual preference are very fluid and fall on a continuum and as such aren't nearly as set in stone as most people think. There are some people that are 100% heterosexual and some that are 100% homosexual, but there is quite a mix in between the two.

I definitely find different women attractive, but I am not interested in having sex with a woman. I'm not sure where that puts me on the spectrum between heterosexual and homosexual, but I'm sure I fall more toward the heterosexual side. I've found this confusing off and on because I always thought it was abnormal to think another woman was pretty or find her attractive, but as I said it isn't really a sexual thing as much as like you said aesthetically pleasing? I have never discussed this with my T, but haven't felt it was necessary.
yakusokuyakusokuMember
R2G and STRM - thanks for the input.

I have always kind of understood there is a spectrum and I'm mostly to the heterosexual side. One of my younger sisters (practically daughters) feels like she is more in the middle, so it is something that I've discussed within my family, I guess. The part that is confusing to me is, yeah no sexual feelings almost at all, but I'm having a very strong urge to be in a partnership with a woman. I guess I'm just wondering if it is a response to the unsafety of my trauma feelings or some sort of translation of a desire to connect with women that had been suppressed or maybe just how I am? Anyway...still feeling confused, but appreciate the input.
ladygreyladygreyMember
Well, I am attracted to women but its definitely a sexual thing for me so I'm not sure I can relate to what you are experiencing. Perhaps it is simply a yearning for more female friendships in your life. I think this is a normal thing to experience as my best friend often admits girl "crushes", though she is not bisexual or lesbian at all.
yakusokuyakusokuMember
LG - your statement just made me realize something. Well, it's something that I've realized before, but I wasn't relating it to this. In my mind, the only types of affection available to me ARE romantic/sexual affection and my mothering affection toward my daughter. So, the only way my mind could possibly interpret these desires is in a romantic relationship sort of way. I've mentioned the extreme neglect of affection in my family before and the fact that all my parents ever showed me was sexual affection with their partners made me think that was the only avenue to get those closeness needs met. So, even if this were a longing for female friendships, I instinctively would say, "Nah, that's not it. Because friends don't hold each other. They aren't intimate like I'm craving, so it must be something romantic that I want!"
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
Oooh, STRM, I think you really nailed it, at least for me:
quote:
Maybe you crave the close intimacy of a partnership, but without the pressure of sex?
I am much closer to, if not on the extreme heterosexual end of the spectrum. But the thought of that close intimacy, the partnership, the idea of letting a friend hold me while I cry, and vise versa? That is what I want, and I don't see getting it from any men I know.

Yaku, I see this a little clearer now - how affection is only romantic or parental, neither of which I have positive experiences with.

LG, I think that the whole friendship piece - female or male - is confusing at times - it's kind of like having two groups of friends - the few in the "inner circle" who really know you (what I crave) and the rest of the friends who know the "public" you, but not the private one.

Again, Yaku, thanks for taking a risk and putting this out there - it's been great reading everyone's input!
yakusokuyakusokuMember
quote:
I'm pretty much an asexual being and I am more mentally aroused than I am physically so... I have to be in love w/ someone, etc to take physical affection to a sexual place versus just one of love and connection


DF - Another thing we have in common. My emotional/mental intimacy has always preceded any sexual interest I've had in anyone.

You sound like a very good friend. Even if you're late to the discussion, I appreciate your input. Whenever someone touches me in a friendly manner, I feel anxious and guilty as if I am unworthy and contaminating them. Frowner I feel heartsick that I don't even know how to receive the sort of thing you are talking about, although I am right now wanting it very badly. I'll just put it on my list, along with being close with T, of things that I feel I don't deserve, I'm never "allowed" to have and wrong for wanting in the first place. What kind of person doesn't know how to receive a hug, to be held, to be comforted? Sad. It's like being physically disabled in a way no one can see and would never know, because I cannot get close enough with anyone to let them see that brokenness. Um, wow, that really hurt to say. Perhaps I should stop triggering myself here. And I have an H in bed that would love to be snuggling me right now, but I want something else. It's days like these I come to wish I had just avoided therapy and stayed dissociated from all this stuff in the first place.
yakusokuyakusokuMember
DF - Thanks again for all your support. What you are saying about different parts is making sense to me. Funny, my sister is a massage therapist, but it is work for me to even hug her. She is living with me and has been upset several times about what she is going through (splitting with the father of her infant, due to his abuse, and due with another baby) and I have to steel myself to give her the affection she needs. When she hugs me...and anyone from my family...it feels like it comes with the weight of all their baggage. I need to make a secret hugging friend or something. No worries about triggering. You actually made me feel much better, especially about not wanting to be with H right now. Thanks! Smiler
yakusokuyakusokuMember
Yeah, I still don't think I can ask him. I just sent a (long) journal entry about what that speechless, terrified yearning for closeness from last session felt like and that was as direct as I have ever been about wanting to ask, but being unable to. Also, I feel, I don't know...guilty researching psych stuff outside of what he tells me, so to bring in different methods...feels weird. He probably doesn't give a crap whether I research or not, but I try as much as possible to let info filter through him.

I have a few friends, mostly older women, who are hugs only type people and I just rolled with it. My inability to say no outweighs my weirdness about accepting affection (especially, since I'm obviously a secret hug-craver). Wink I could probably find a secret hugging friend on Craigslist, but that would hardly be safe! I appreciate the virtual hugs you all share, though.

Disneyland might be a challenge, even if you were out here. It's actually a full day's drive to get from SF to Anaheim and with gas prices, probably actually cheaper to fly, unless you have a minivan and a bunch of people splitting the cost. Going to have to take my daughter in a couple of years, when she's old enough to enjoy it!
ladygreyladygreyMember
oh my goodness, your comment about finding a secret hugging friend on craigslist made me laugh.

Being single (and totally anti-relationship/dating at the moment), I have found myself craving physical affection lately. Not necessarily in a sexual manner. Like today, for example. I sort of just want to drag myself to therapy and curl up in T2s lap (though I would squish her tiny body under mine). Maybe we could lie together on the sofa and cuddle. Wouldn't that be nice? (and i have zero sexual attraction to her. I just really want to be held and comforted).
ladygreyladygreyMember
quote:
Originally posted by yakusoku:
LOL, tried to put that same image to me and T, but a 30-year-old woman cuddling on the couch with a mid-50s guy...yeah, just doesn't work the same, I guess. I could definitely go for an arm around the shoulder or something. I guess it is much safer for me to picture non-sexual affection/snuggling with a female.


Well it would be pretty weird even with me being a woman in my mid 30s and her being a woman in her 60s....and like 4' tall. I'm pretty sure I weigh at least twice what she does. She might fall into the cracks of the sofa cushions and get trapped!

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