My fourth appointment with a new T is coming up this week. I need to tell her about something very hard.

In my life, there is pattern of trauma reenactment. I do not know in full how or why or what to do so it will stop. I have problem when it feel like my voice is ignored, and particular problem is when I feel like I say no, a clear boundary or something that is wrong and people act like I communicate nothing at all. I would rather people just push the boundary than ignore my communication of it. I escalate. I do not like that word, escalate, I never threaten or get aggressive at all. How I feel escalates and I get more clear about it. I get stark, blunt, lose all tack, and people respond very paternal or flat out abusive. Friends say other people act with vengefulness and invalidation towards me. It shocks them. I recently was communicating with person at insurance company. We communicated over email. I read how she ignored what I was asking about. I tell her please approve or deny my request, but stop ignoring it. A denial would be better than you continuing to ignore it. She ignored it and I told her very blunt terms how it impacted me. It left me vulnerable for her verbally abuse me on email. She said she had reviewed my case and I did not deserve treatment for being assaulted and said I was incompetent and possibly mentally retarded. (I am not.) The request for new orthotics is still ignored and not approved nor denied. I found another way to pay for the care, but am furiously angry my request to insurance was never even approve or denied. I want to keep asking her, just to be heard! I am neurotic. I feel furiously angry and fearful of her. In that angry fear, I want to engage her, solve and fix and control the problem. The new therapist says I have “counterphobic” reaction where I seek to go towards the thing I fear to solve it.

This happens with people in helper professions especially when they have power or authority. Saying no to the insurance now make me feel angry fear – but I still say it.

This new therapist, she wants to do practice exercise with me – she will ask me to do things and I will say no and then tell her how it feels in my body. She wants to make sure I feel “calm and relaxed” or “only a little bit” anxious when I tell her no. I have done therapy before, and I had good T for 3 years once. She would ask me to do things often and I never feel hesitant to tell her no, and I never feel angry fear to say no. The new T asked me a few things last time. Like stand on your head. I laugh and say no, I am not going to stand on my head. It felt fine. I think she could ask anything and it would feel fine to say no if she is listening… which so far, she really actively listens.

If she tell me, “stand on your head”
and I reply, “No I am not going to stand on my head.”
and if she replied, “When you stand on your head, I want you to say the alphabet." (silly example)
and if I say, “I think there is misunderstanding, no I will not stand on my head.”
and if she then kept talking like I was going to stand on my head and say the alphabet, I would have a lot of angry fear of her. I do not know what I would say, but it would be blunt and clear and upset and harmful and say too much and probably critical of her. I would do it because I feel so angry and very scared and would want control and to be heard more than anything.

I would prefer it if she would instead just hit me instead of ignore me – this is how intense this is for me. I hate it.

I do not know how to tell the T this. I deeply ashamed. I think maybe I am really messed up. Everyone gets ignored sometime.

With therapist, it is hard for me to initiate offering her information except when I tell her what I am not ok with. However, handling feeling ignored is a big problem in my life. I fear we will do this practice exercise and I will be fine telling her no, but she will not understand that if I feel like she ignore my communication of a boundary, I will feel really scared and mad and I will keep reenacting trauma.

The T says she wants me to work out my trauma, “even reenact it, in here, instead of out there in the world. You are going to keep reenacting it somewhere, so let’s try to bring it in here where you can really resolve it and be safe.” I tell her I do not like people in helping professions and I worry I set up myself up to reenact just by coming to therapy – with a helping professional who has some power over me! She tell me, “I know, but you still come, and that is part of why I know we will get through this and that you probably will reenact things here too.” I am not sure I fully understand how she means trauma reenactment or what anyone means. I am really nervous. I am not even sure why I am fearful of talking about this!

Should I push through my fear of telling her this and tell her anyhow? Should I wait? I do not know how to sort this out. Sometimes I think I simply complain too much and have no tact. People who are deaf tend to be blunt in the deaf culture. But, I am blunt more because of trauma and secrets in our house when a child. Secrets were dangerous. I spoke out against my father abuse and everyone treat me badly and ignore me, everything about me until years later when a few people said I was right, they were sorry. I am very good at finding new invalidating ignoring people and reenacting something. I keep trying to solve it and I do not know how to stop. I think I need to tell the T this but I am so scared and ashamed. I think maybe I will wait until it happens with this T, but it never happened with the T I had a couple of years ago and I go to that T for several years. I am not sure I will reenact this with her but I am sure I will keep having this happen in all my life. Everyone feels ignored sometimes. I need to figure out how to not be so angry scared and keep myself safe in different way than what I do now.