hi (((hic)))

When you're being vulnerable with friends for example do you feel you are forcing it? I can see it would make it more uncomfortable if it were that way.

To me, I see vulnerability as an openness (like you're saying w/ emotional openness) but I mean it to say going with the flow. For example, if I'm out for lunch w/ a friend and they are talking about some sweet potato soup they made this weekend I'm probably not going to respond by talking about flashbacks in my week (that's an exaggerated example). That would be very awkward. So I'm not sure if when you say you felt you talked about yourself too much you feel like you pushed it or just that's where the conversation was going and you were allowing it?

I don't really know how to be vulnerable... so it doesn't work for me. I guess, saying my opinion more and having boundaries puts me in a more vulnerable spot. As does being more authentic and open to what might come up, and open to the emotions of others and more accepting of just being myself (that's the most vulnerable for me). I'm probably a poor person to be trying to help you w/ this topic LOL... I sorta leave telling people my stuff off the table as far as what I consider to be vulnerable. I've asked friends to stay with me because I needed a pick me up - which is super vulnerable - but it was to distract me so I didn't talk at all about what was going on.

Hmmm... I'm sorry, HIC. I think I'm just as lost as you are on this one You're brave to talk about yourself. I think just being in the same room as people is enough vulnerable communication for me..

Hey,

I think it's more like-- I go in the direction the conversation seems to be pulling (so maybe not such an awkwardness factor on the face of it), but that for me is pushing it, pushing the limits I've grown used to. For instance, the group of friends I was with today all seem a little more comfortable talking about their feelings and life stories than I do. I tried to meet them there, but now I feel somehow as though I've compromised myself for the sake of "connection" and keeping a conversation going.

It's kind of an icky feeling. I find myself tending to analyze it in terms of right and wrong (ie I feel icky therefore I must have done something wrong), but maybe that is not the most accurate interpreting frame. Hmmm.

Maybe to be in the flow of things and for "vulnerability" to feel natural, even if a little, well, vulnerable , you have to not only take your cues from the social context but *want* to say what you are saying. I don't think I wanted to tonight. That must be the problem. I was stretching myself because I was practicing and thought it would be good for me and my friendships (maybe?) but I didn't really *want* to go there at all.

Hopefully it will all be for the best in spite of that. Thanks for giving me the space to think this out. I like how in your second to last paragraph you talked about allowing different kinds of vulnerability, not thinking of it so narrowly as the conveying of autobiographical information. It's true there's a lot there. Perhaps it's more gentle and realistic to think of it as a style, of being with, being in the moment. Okay to self disclose, but you've got to want to for it to feel right and positive.

I think I'm going in circles now. Time to try and sleep again.

Good night.

quote:

When I'm "vulnerable" I always end up feeling like I've over shared and afterward it makes me cranky.

EXACTLY!

And I always question afterward, often for hours (sometimes days) if I said too much, or what I said was appropriate.

I think when deciding how vulnerable to be, you have to consider A) how worthy of hearing the vulnerability is the present company? Are they likely to honor it or shame you for it? and B) how far beyond your own comfort zone are you willing to go?

Even if you made a good choice though, you can still get a "vulnerability hangover" as Brene Brown has termed it. In other words you feel awful in the wake of sharing something. I guess over time though, if people respond mostly positively, you could start to build up a tolerance and be more comfortable being vulnerable in the future.

(((HIC))) ah, makes sense to me - hopefully the question wasn't offensive - you're brave to have friends that talk about their emotions and stuff! Eeps! When people talk like that I tend to just listen. This thread is helping me realize how far but not far I've come! I get why it felt too much, I think, it's the just more than usual part? Hope you had a gentle night!

"Vulnerability hangover" is precisely it.

((hic)) I'm one of the people who tends to over share. I come across as someone who is quite capable and happy to share my deepest parts with others -- but I'm feeling just as vulnerable as the next person, usually. Sometimes oversharing is a compulsion. It's a false bravado that says, "I don't care how you react to me, I'm confident nonetheless." The thing is, I DO care how you react to me. If you don't react well then you aren't a "safe" person. If you can accept what I have to say, even identify with it to a point, then you are "safe."

HIC -- I bet I would feel safe with you whether you shared a great deal about yourself or not. You can tell some people just get it, whether or not they share about themselves.

I would say don't share unless you feel "safe enough" or feel moved to. You don't need to share as a method of reciprocity with others. If they truly care they wouldn't want you to anyway. And it's likely that they understand that you "get it" even though you haven't shared exactly WHY you get it. Know what I mean?

quote:

You don't need to share as a method of reciprocity with others.

Excellent point!

RabbitEars

Vulnerability hangover... ayup. I get this a lot, actually. I like to tell myself that it's progress since to get the hangover you have to show some vulnerability, whereas once-upon-a-time I would not do that at all. Ever.

The way I conceptualise it is that I have some redundant overly-protective bits of me that jump in and punish me emotionally for what are considered 'risky' behaviours. I get flooded with shame and worry and a fear that I will be attacked. It's frustrating because I would like to feel more comfortable being open.

It irritates me because I'm in all likelihood not over-sharing but it feels like I am and it makes it hard to come to anything approaching an objective position on the situation or conversation!

(((hugs all)))

I'm afraid this might read like a lazy reply. I'm a little brain dead from a draining session yesterday, plus one of my little ones has a cold and was up a lot last night, plus I'm out of coffee and haven't had a chance to get to the store to buy some.

But, I did appreciate all of your thoughts so much and wanted to at least reply a little while I have a few moments.

Cat, question wasn't offensive, just made me realize I needed to clarify a bit more. It's definitely a more than usual thing.

BLT, I think the people were safe enough, but I probably did push way past my comfort level. Vulnerability hangover expresses it very well! You are probably right that it gets easier and I'm glad about that. I see other people talk easily and naturally about themselves, even the painful stuff, and I'd like to able to do that. I was just wondering why if it's all supposed to be so "connecting" it just makes me feel grouchy! Baby steps. Perhaps one grows into more ease.

Jen,
What you wrote was very interesting. I appreciated your perspective on why a person might seemingly "overshare". It helps me understand one of these friends a little better, who I've several times heard say she doesn't care what people think of her, yet she readily talks about her life stories and about how people should be accepting.

I guess I have felt a little that I need to reciprocate-- and maybe stretching myself to do that some is good for the kind of growth I'm seeking-- but I like your thoughts on how that shouldn't be necessary to show I "get it". I want to be friends with her but to go at my own pace. . . more or less.

I loved this:

quote:

would say don't share unless you feel "safe enough" or feel moved to. You don't need to share as a method of reciprocity with others. If they truly care they wouldn't want you to anyway. And it's likely that they understand that you "get it" even though you haven't shared exactly WHY you get it. Know what I mean?

Mallard,
Oh, I can so relate to that inner voice and the seeming impossibility of a more objective view! In fact, I talked with T *a lot* about all of this at my session last night. I just needed the reassurance. I must have asked her five times if I had done anything wrong. She really didn't think so, or said she didn't. When I described everything, she thought what I disclosed was both socially appropriate for the situation and as emotionally safe as anything ever is. . . I suppose there is always a risk. She said that I'm comfortable revealing myself when it comes to expressing an abstract opinion, or dialoguing "intellectually", but that I'm not at all comfortable with *anything* else.

I dunno, do you guys think that is true of me?

She said it was new territory, but she was glad and thinks it's good.

(((RE))) (((SP))) (((R2G)))

Thanks for replying as well. It helps to know others can relate and understand. I'm glad the discussion here has been helpful and that you chimed in.