Anyone who finds value in therapy finds it in different ways and through different things.
For me - I normally keep to myself. I'm always smiling, I don't share much of my life with anyone, and I'm always much kinder to others than I am to myself. And so, to most people, I seem like I'm perfectly fine, that I don't need anyone to listen or ask how I'm doing or offer me help. Because I seem like I'm fine, so I must be fine, right?
What my T offers is what I've always needed but never gotten. Yes, she does sit across from me and sometimes we'll spend many minutes just silent, and maybe I'm crying and all she's doing is watching me. But she's allowed me the space to be someone with her that I've never learned or allowed myself to be with anyone else. I can be imperfect with her. I can share all of those horrible things about myself with her. And yes, she's mostly quiet during those times, but I can tell by her facial expression, her body language, or even just a slight noise she makes that she's listening to what I'm saying. And, most of the time, that's all I need.
A lot of times, therapy is about looking into a mirror but without the distortions that our clouded perceptions put on that reflection. That's what a therapist does. They can't change us, they can't change how we see ourselves. All they can do is reflect back to us how we act, how we think, and how we are. And then we have to choose to make that change for ourselves, if we even want to change.
It is very painful, though, to know that a lot of times, what we want them to be to us - a parent, a friend, etc. - is the one thing that they will never and cannot ever be. But the value of therapy comes from not only realizing that yes, I do want to have caring people in my life, but also from recognizing the ways in which I've received that from my T so that, hopefully, I can also recognize how I can seek out and receive that from people in my everyday life. Our Ts model what it is to be a good friend and a good parent so that we can know what to look for if we want to get that in our external lives. And because, for a lot of us here, our therapists are the first people who have been that model, it's immeasurably painful to even contemplate giving that up.
But we do. It's inevitable and it's horrendously painful. But it's up to you whether you want to enjoy the good in the relationship, endure the pain, and then eventually reap the benefits in your other relationships or whether you want to seek it out on your own. I had no idea what a healthy relationship was like until I started therapy. If I had chosen either to not go to therapy at all or to stop prematurely, I'd have no insight as to how I act around people, how others act around me, how I influence others, how they influence me, and how all of that affects who surrounds me.
It's up to you, TAS. ((hugs))
