I tried to explain to my T how painful it feels to need him this way. Such a sense of annihilation and vacancy. Playing the waiting game right now too. I'm having all sorts of ridiculous, paranoid thoughts about how he's tired of my BS and having to go to his team to figure out how to deal with me...and now I'm trying to work up the courage to quit, because that's the only way I can see severing this need and avoid another punishing cycle. At least we have the consolation of passing the time with commiseration. Trying to see the bright side here.

I was going to post about this very same thing!!!

I had a crappy session yesterday, the couple ahead of me held him over for more than 10 minutes but yet my T booted me out the door right on time for me! We were talking about a subject that was making me really angry and in a corner, and all of a sudden he's saying, "We have to wrap this up" and I could've hit the ceiling. I screamed at him that I felt like I just got there! And then he did this feeble attempt to calm me down saying I was okay, blahblahblah, because he knew I was pissed that he was throwing me out UPSET. You can tell I'm not the important one! You can tell he only likes talking to the patients in front of me and after me. I feel like such a BABY because this is bothering me, but wait it gets worse. A few minutes after my session I texted him (he told me before that I could if I really needed to get a hold of him) and told him I never wanted to talk about this thing again and then I specifically said I was really upset. That was 28 hours ago. No response.

I feel like a baby for being so hurt. I wish he could reassure me that he cares. Isn't that weird how you can go week after week getting to the point where you feel confident that "my T cares about me" and then all it takes is one dropped ball like this and I'm scrambling to keep my wits about me. I feel really ashamed that I'm so panicked and needy.

The bright side? Ummmmm, I get to see him in six more days. Except I feel the same ridiculous idea about quitting, or at the very least waltzing in there 10 minutes late next time. ~D.

Just had the biggest rant yesterday at my P for not returning an urgent call and it turns out he didn't even get the message. I know it was because it made me feel unimportant like my family always ignored me when I needed them on purpose but he did it by mistake. I said sorry and he said he understood it was the emotion not me. I still feel really upset about the whole thing. I felt like quitting too.

I'm sorry the waiting is so difficult JD. I can totally relate and I'm very impressed that you can limit your out of session contact. I always end up calling or emailing again if a certain amount of time goes by and I've been known to carry my phone around with me because I've been so afraid of missing a return call. It is painful being needy.

Did your T call back yet?

Di

I hate needing
I hate calling
I hate the waiting.

I agree, I hate the waiting. It can be really awful. I hope that all who are waiting have heard back by now!

she hasn't called back yet, but i'm in a better spot and learning about something that is hard for my normally patient self, and getting a chance to 'practice' sitting with needing something from someone i care about, my T. it's so hard but glad to know I'm not alone in it. thanks everyone sometimes it feels better to not ask at all than ask and wait and feel that need

Wish I could be as mature and patient as you, JD. I emailed my T this morning, then I worried he wasn't at the office today so I called his secretary and told her to tell him I emailed him. Yep, I feel like a stalker.

A couple hours later he emailed me back and he sounded understanding but not reassuring. He usually tells me to write back at the end of his letters so I'll know I can still ask questions but this time he didn't. He said he will keep better track of the time. From what I could tell, he wasn't reassuring me that he wants to talk to me. I guess I'm kind of disappointed. Still curious what would he say if I showed up late. I just don't think I matter very much. ~D.

ugh. I emailed one T, and called my other T yesterday. The T that I called, she called me back this morning and it was great. I told her it was urgent and she called bck and helped me sort something out.

The T that I emailed hasn't replied yet. That's not unsual - it usually takes a couple of days and what I emailed her was routine... I hope... I keep reading the email I sent her over and over... as if to torture myself with doubt or wondering how she interpreted it and wishing I could just take the stupid email back instead of having sent it.

ugh.

not freaking out, I am not freaking out, I am not freaking out... (this is what I keep telling myself).


((((Debbye))))
I hope you get a chance to tell your T how you feel... and maybe he would be reassuring then...? I'm sorry it's so hard.

quote:

I keep reading the email I sent her over and over... as if to torture myself with doubt or wondering how she interpreted it and wishing I could just take the stupid email back instead of having sent it.

I do this with almost all my emails and texts until I have heard back or we discuss stuff in session. My H thinks I'm a complete nut. And beyond thinking, "How will he react to [such and such]?" I actually have different reactions depending on where I'm at when I read it. Sometimes I look at something I wrote and think, "Is that even true?" Other times, I think, "Stupid, stupid, stupid! WHY did you share that with him!?!?"

(((yakusoku))) - oh, you sound like me! Hang in there.

~jane

Ok, I am driving myself nuts. I am making an agreement with myself to not check my email for the next 24 hours. Here goes.

Good luck!

I have made it 8 hours without checking email. Most of them, I spent asleep. 16 more to go. awake. argh! This is so hard!

quote:

Has anyone's T ever read their email or any other writings back out to them in session?

Yes!! I hate that. It is torture to have to listen to it, especially when T stops to dissect it and points out my flawed thinking. It makes me want to grab it from her and tear it up, especially when she has misinterpreted something that I said. On the other hand, it is usually a good way to get things worked out. I don't email, but I do send her faxes. Email would be hard because not getting a response back or waiting for it would be very difficult. We do text, but I just don't expect an immediate response and that way I'm not upset although if it takes a long time then I start to think she is hurt or sick.

JD: I hope you get an email back soon. Glad you got a phone call and it was helpful.

Debbye: I'm sorry your T's response wasn't what you had hoped for.

My T has asked either for him or me to read stuff out loud before. I said OK for him to do it once an then he started to read, and I immediately yelped, "No, not that one!" LOL. He said, "Why? It's so good! I really like it. It's so insightful and well-written." He compared the look on my face to receiving a physical attack...the artist's pain of being critiqued or something. I sent a journal last week where I said I agree to either of us reading ANYTHING aloud, because I got so sick of silence and lack of progress...but he didn't take advantage of it yet, thankfully.

quote:

although if it takes a long time then I start to think she is hurt or sick.

Oh, that is the worst! He used to always text back, even just a smiley if it was a good text or that he was praying if I was having a rough time. Then, because I started describing how horrible the texting was making me feel, he just stopped replying except for if I specifically asked a question, like about scheduling. A couple times he was waiting for other clients to get back to him about scheduling and I didn't hear until the last minute and I started to get afraid he had some sort of accident.

9 more hrs to go before i let myself check my email again... ugh...

this is so hard.

it is the weekend, it is very unlikely my T has emailed me back, and yet i'm so anxious about it, it is so painful just to not check email to see what my T might have sent anyhow...

i feel like i'm addicted, craving, but i don't know what...

I'm impressed. I could only avoid my email for that long if I were out camping or every moment of my day was filled with an activity which kept me away from a computer!

Way to go, JD. I'm impressed!

totally impressed too, janedoe. I couldn't do it either. You're very strong. It's the worst waiting to hear back fromthem.

Thanks everyone for your support and for helping me feel not so alone in struggling so much with this! argh. so hard!

I have an account just for my Ts and T related stuff. I have a different email account for everything else. Somehow, keeping it seperate helps.

and... I made it 24 hours!!! yay!!!
and of course I checked after 24 hours, and... no email back from my T, as I somewhat expected.

The good thing is that I think tomorrow might be easier. I know I can make it a day without checking and hearing from her and be ok... it's so hard though. I'm worried. I don't even know why. I probably will check tomorrow anyhow... but I hope I don't in such a worried and frantic way...

I'm feeling exhausted, but glad, and I think I have actually worn out my inner critic a little. I have resigned myself to just planning on clarifying my email to my T at my next session next week if I need to. And hoping everything is ok. Ugh, I struggle to trust my T will be the same now as she has been in the past. Always waiting for that other shoes to drop. I can't say I am feeling less anxious about it, but I am feeling more ok with sitting with the fears.

I'm learning/realizing something about how much I want to blame and get made at me for needing and wanting things from my T.

The more i feel the need, the more critical I get of myself in how I ask or what I do or even just get critical of myself even as I wait...

I think all the judgement and tearing up of myself that I do, on some level, it is a kind of defense mechanism that to trying to prevent me from feeling the pain of needing.

It's still so hard.

jane, have you been seeing this T for long? Have you hammered out your communications with her via email? Or is it just something that you've observed in the past that she tends not to reply on weekends? I'm asking because I do the same thing, if that's what you are doing. I might reach out to him but I think I learn how he relates by watching. I'm not always right. I don't always read things right. Had I asked him upfront, he would have told me. But I cause myself a lot of anxiety by not asking.

like for instance, in this case, could you say, if I am in distress and send you an email on a Friday, is it basically for certain that I won't get a response from you until Monday? And what if I want a response right away? In what circumstances will you respond to me right away over the weekend?

I am learning, or not learning, very slowly that if I ask about these things, I should get an honest answer. One I can trust. That way, I know what to expect from him and can let go of the anxiety in the meantime and get on with my life.

I guess if we didn't have trust issues we could just have those conversations.

The T that I emailed, no, we haven't talked about it very much. She just has said to email her anytime and I have said I don't often do email with counselors... I have emailed a few times, and she gets back to me usually in a day or so. It's been almost 5 days and no response. Oh well... thankfully, I'll see her tomorrow. I'm not sure if I want to talk to her before then. I don't really need any urgent response, I'm just worked up over what I emailed her and trying to sit with my fears of how she interpreted it. However she interpreted it, it would be good to sort that out in my session. I think I am just hoping she would send an email confirming she didn't take it badly. I did ask her a question in my email - about if we could talk about all of in my next appointment, and was hoping she would reply to that, but her lack of relpy is probably just... I dunno...


I did call my other T two days ago, and this morning, asking to make a sooner appointment or to talk soon. Her voicemail says to call her again if she doesn't return a call in 24 hours.
I'm just not doing well. No call back.

ugh, I really am struggling again with waiting and really needing or wanting to talk to one of them. For urgent things, I like calling the T I did, and she usually responds within 24 hours. Ugh. I can't do anything else until I do talk to her. When I do, I think I need to clarify things about this.

((((Janedoe)))))

Is today the 21st? I don't even know what day it is. So you see emailT tomorrow? I know what you mean about saying something and needing to see their reaction so you know how they took it. When I sent my T that letter in October, I had never sent him a letter before. I was so worried in about how he would react not only to the contents of the letter but the fact that I sent him a letter at all. It caused a huge problem in my life, one I would care not to repeat. So I am trying to ask the questions that would help me quell my anxiety. But I don't know why it's so hard to know what the answer is? Do you?

And, then, what if they give you an answer but then down the road, they don't answer the email within the time frame they told you they were going to answer within? Then what?

Sorry, hope I'm not adding to your anxiety.

I hope someone gets back to you soon. Your first T or your second T. It's a holiday here but my T is working today.

((((HUGS, Janedoe))))))

Liese

Yeah, it’s the 21st – I had to check too. 
I do see email T tomorrow. I haven’t really emailed her much in term of content until now, and missing the reaction to it is very hard. I didn’t email much, but still. Just like with the letter you sent your T, I am so wishing I hadn’t sent the email. Thankfully, I do get to see her tomorrow, so at least then I will know by tomorrow.

Phone T and I have talked before about how long it would take her, and she says 24 hours unless her system drops the message or there is some emergency in her life. SO I generally expect a call back within 24 hours – that’s what she said she would do. Now two calls, 72 hours… no call back… The few times I have called and said I needed a call back she has called back.

I’ve never said more than hey it’s “Jane”… can you call me? And she has verified she will call back with just that. SO I’m facing that dilemma that she isn’t responding in the time she said she would. So yeah, of course I now worry about content…

You haven’t made me worry any more. Actually, it’s good questions to ask and is helping me settle a bit. I’m not sure why it is so hard. I wonder if it is a matter of trust for me. Trusting myself, trusting the T, trusting the relationship, trusting I can handle whatever comes…

I don’t know…

hmm...

thanks for helping me slow down and think

jane,

you've probably noticed that i do the same thing, spin out of control. I've been asking myself the same things. What would happen if I asked? What would happen if I knew the answer? Would it make me feel any better?

Something must have happened to phoneT and I'm sure she has a reasonable explanation because she has been consistent in the past.

Glad you are going to see the other T tomorrow. I am sure she has an explanation also. Although I am sure you want to know what it is. This trust building process isn't easy, is it?

Is it a holiday where you are? IS she off today? Is it possible she went away for a long weekend?

To Monte - I know that's what it is for me, that's where it comes from, but it doesn't help me to remind myself. It actually hurts more. I ended up writing my T again and flat-out asking him if he was agry and if he still cared and he wrote back within a couple hours reassuring me. ~D. (P.S. I read my sent emails over and over too, trying to see if there's anything that sounds unforgivable.)