(((turtle)))

I offer you hugs and empathy. I know exactly what you are speaking about, including being so young and wanting a different set of parents. I too long for T to fill the holes left from my broken childhood, even though I'm very well aware that T can't, no one can, really. It hurts to acknowledge that, the hurt that knocks my breath away.

I think that your T is right, she can help you move through the pain, which is going to be excruciating, but I think that it's the only way through and I'll be traveling my path over here the same way.

Dear Turtle and R2G

I am going through that very raw process myself at the moment. I am holding my sanity together by the barest of threads because of the unrelenting excruciating agony that comes with knowing what I missed and will never get. Wanting to be so special, loved and accepted by SOMEBODY, ANYBODY!!!! I am haunted by why can't anyone love me? why can't anyone help and make me feel better? As my son grows up (he's now 17 months) I can't understand how a parent couldn't just love their child fiercely and do anything to protect them. I can barely tolerate being in playgrounds seeing kids playing happily knowing that is something I will never get. Similarly, walking around shopping centres seeing daughters with their mothers or fathers just about kills me internally becuase I'll never be anyone's precious, special little girl.

TUrtle I hear you in your pain and can offer as many hugs and as much empathy and care that you can take in. I wanted different parents from a young age too and grew up feeling unwanted, unloved and was systematically and routinely abused. And how much I long for T to hug me and make me welcome in his home, to heal all this horrific pain inside. The intensity of it terrifies me, I'm convinced I'll disappear into an abyss and never emerge. I feel pathetic in a way that the only person who can be there for me consistently is me, although I can also see how empowering that is too.

Its a nightmare of the most tormenting and frightening variety and to live it seems barbaric and crazy. I suppose I hold onto the glimmer of hope that it might lead somewhere better somewhere down the track. For now all I can do is care for myself, grieve, and try and take in the good parts of my life that are here now in the present.

Hugs and love xxx

Hugs to everyone who can relate...

Sometimes the pain is so horrible I wish I could lay down, go to sleep and never wake up.

Firstly let me say that I am so sorry for the delay in response. Something came up last night here at home and I was unable to get back here until now.

I am so sad that others feel the same pain I do yet at the same time it helps SO MUCH to know I am not alone.

R2G

quote:

I know exactly what you are speaking about, including being so young and wanting a different set of parents.

You too? Yeah my earliest memories are longing for a new mom. That longing has never left me even as I grew up into an adult. My mom is even dead now and I still find myself automatically wanting this sort of interaction. It's so painful. If you're up to it some time I would like to talk about our journey's together.

Greeneyes (you sweetheart)

quote:

And how much I long for T to hug me and make me welcome in his home, to heal all this horrific pain inside. The intensity of it terrifies me, I'm convinced I'll disappear into an abyss and never emerge. I feel pathetic in a way that the only person who can be there for me consistently is me, although I can also see how empowering that is too.

Oh my you said that so well. I know, I KNOW. IT's so painful. I am right there with you. I too endured relentless abuse as a child. It even continued into adulthood much to my humiliation. And it does seem barbaric and crazy to have to live through it. I work as well to focus on the good parts of my life now too. But all seems tainted with this horrible longing, this feeling of intense loss. Everything I do seems to be bogged down by this pain. Do you get that too?

Dear Monte

quote:

And then, as your age starts to catch up with you and the 'best years' of your life have been and gone, the cruel realization that you have waited in vain and your life has been wasted. The emerging fury.

OMG yes I know how that feels as well. You said that so well.

quote:

I physically feel the pain almost constantly, deep in my solar plexus. It feels like a painful jelly wobble...like with every movement, every interaction, that inner substance quivers and every fraction of movement hurts.

Yes that pain has driven my life. I have done so many things to obliterate that pain. I have done drugs, I have tried so hard to find anything to get rid of it. I have tried to end my life, I have hung out with bad crowds, I have lived on a dangerous edge. I have begged past Ts to give me what I never had. I too am working with this current T to face that I will never find it. It's brutal. I confessed to her my longings and in a sense it broke the spell and brought in all the pain. I want to run from her now but I will continue on because no matter what that pain will stay. It will stay until I face it.


((((Taz))))) I understand believe me.

I wish I could give all of you a hug. As children you all deserved to be loved and cherished. You deserved, it was your right to have a happy, loving childhood.

And I know the bitter irony is that now WE have to give the love to ourselves. WE alone have to heal ourselves. Do you ever feel angry at that? Like "okay Great here I am alone with the pain again!!" It's the hardest thing for me to handle to be honest with you. I guess it is the pinnacle of the pain.

How awful that so many of us have such a deficit! I know how painful it is, but I never used to.
In my twenties and thirties I would just keep going round in a cycle of being ok, to being unable to work and haunted by deep depression where I was almost catatonic but never really understanding why I couldn't resolve the depression. I knew what was wrong with me, I knew I had an abusive childhood, and I thought that I had talked it all out of me, but the depressions still came round. Now I feel things, and that is more meaningful than just knowing. I used to do all my therapy in my head, and it was only as I began to 'feel' the pain and loneliness, and to express the rage and fury that my depression has begun to lift. I also suffer with fibromyalgia, and I would end up unable to work for weeks at a time because my body was just so tired and painful, that too has become significantly reduced since I have expressed those painful feelings.
So in someways, even though it is painful, and seemingly never ending, at least now it is more real; at least now I can validate for myself what a deficit my little one had, and instead of feeling weak because I can't cope, I am more able to give myself a break, and reach out for the comfort I need.
I am so thankful that I have a T who allows me to text...and who believes very much that she is offering me a reparative relationship, she is my Therapy mum, and even though I only see her once a week, over time I have begun to feel safer and safer to allow her to comfort me when I am raging and grief stricken.
I hope you all can find someone in your lives who can provide you with comfort.

I will add that I am in a very optimistic place this week, and I may not have been so positive last week, or indeed after tomorrow, when my T goes on another break, but the fact that I am able to acknowledge that there are positives is another huge step in the direction of being self caring, and emotionally more stable. Long may it last...I am in my 6th year with this therapist, and it is only very recently that there has been a shift.

I hope this helps those of you who are still engulfed by the pain, to be strong, and carry on because things will improve very slowly...and the slower the change the more lasting it will be I hope.

Turtle at the moment all of this unrequited love and desperate longings for things I know I will die without infiltrate into and spoil good parts of my life. And I feel outraged, seething with fury that I have to be the one to love little me, that nobody else can or wants to. I don't get to run away from it, it follows me around like white on rice. But little me is so angry with older me and the world for letting her down so badly. The good life I now have as an adult I should have had as a child and I never did, and there's nothing I or anyone can do about that.

And Monte at 31 I'm convinced so much of the best days of life are behind me and I will be forever resentful and bitter on missing out on how my early life should have been. Everything you wrote resonated so deeply inside, especially the part about being forced to witness others loving their little ones with such depth, freedom and devotion and knowing deep down our T's just don't love us that way. Nobody did and nobody does

I'm sorry I'm in such a bad place atm all this seems too much to bear.

Hugs to all xx

Crootie: I can so relate to what you said about the best days being behind you...I think that alot...I have experienced everything there is...life seems very repetitive and pointless...I never had parents...was moved from home to home by the state...horrible...nothing can replace the lost years...people will say 'it is in the past...let it go...' It is not something you let go of when it is woven into the very fabric of your being...

T.

Turtle, and all of you above, the biggest hugs ever to you.

It is heartbreaking, this kind of pain, and I can only echo what everyone has already said. I have reached a low point in my therapy and it feels like the pain has swallowed me.

I just had my 63rd birthday and I have been unravelling this web from my childhood for 9 years.

I hope each of you finds the peace, and love, and emotional freedom you so truly deserve.

Xoxo
blu