This came up in the last conversation we had...me always feeling as if he does not want me. He said, "I have never shown you in here I do not want you." When he said those words, the encounter we had at Starbucks came back to me. He saw me and then proceeded to walk to where I could not see him. I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, realizing he is human and doesn't do everything perfectly. He did apologize and said he acted poorly. I am not sure what else I want. I guess the image of him walking away from me is seared in my mind. I wonder if I have not used up all of his good will towards me. Perhaps I have and I am the one to blame for the current state of affairs regarding the negativity. I realize I have only witnessed relationships being torn down and have never really learned how to build a relationship in a healthy manner.

What if the encounter at Starbucks were his sincere feelings? What if I do repel him because I am so much trouble? If this is the case, I have caused this and yet, I am unsure how to repair this. I know I have been demanding at times, combative, told him he was the most stubborn man ever, took a page from my file, and have pushed him to his limit, I am sure, on more than one occasion. This is my no means me bragging, more of a realization you can not do these things without there being some wear and tear on a relationship.

My question is: Can it be repaired and brought back to a healthy interaction? Maybe he does want me to go away, yet, ethically he can not tell me this. I have asked him if I make him nervous, he says no. I have asked him if he hates me, he says no. He says he doesn't want me to go away.

Do I believe what I see in the office or is the Starbucks encounter a truer picture of how he feels about me?

I really want it to work with him because I truly think if I went to another counselor I would shape things in the same manner. I realize the Therapist has a responsibility in how they contribute to the relationship but I think I have done too much to harm the relationship.

Honestly, he did/does not deserve all the negativity I feel towards him. I still struggle with feeling him in the sessions we have, feeling warmth, just feeling his presence. It is very difficult to do this. I don't know what is keeping me from feeling his genuineness.

I have referred people to him who have really liked him and he has really helped them. I think really, the problem is me. I don't mean to be the way I am, yet, I am.

I think I am intent on ruining this relationship, and yet, I don't know why I am. I feel the need to destroy it and I can't even say why. Maybe it is just the way I am programmed and accept I am toxic to any relationship I am in.

I wonder if there is a place of no return. When a relationship is ruined, it is ruined. You just have to accept the part you had in it and move on. I hope this can be a lesson to me that I can not react in any manner and think the relationship can withstand a continual assault, because no relationship with another human being can.

I think when I walk away, at least I know I will have learned this lesson. It's said you have to experience this with another human being who has your best interest at heart, and yet, what they do is never good enough.

Very sobering.

T.