Lately I've been wanting to go it alone. As in, go through life by myself. I've wanted no contact with either parents and I've partly convinced myself that neither of them are worth my time anymore and that it's better I do this all by myself. I feel that family is overrated and it's better to find friends who I can start classing as my family, rather than my family who does not intellectually get me at all. My grandfather and grandmother are just money makers and don't think about my welfare. They don't accept that I'm lesbian and my grandfather has stated that he never wants to meet my future girlfriend. To me, this is a part rejection of me, who I am. My grandmother perceives me to be a material failure I feel, simply because I have not completed a degree. My Aunt holds a family secret that my cousin's father is not my uncle's. She cheated. This reminds me of how my older half sister was kept as a secret from me until 15 and how sorry I feel for my young cousin who knows none the better.
It just seems that my immediate family just don't think. I don't feel connected to them through idle, simple love anymore. I mean, I love them still but there is a distance now.
In a sense I feel stronger for deciding this, even though my Mum is lovely to me and wants to see me at Christmas. I feel so sad going to her house because she was the one that should have been there for me. Now she regresses and treats and talks to me as if I'm 3 years old because she missed out on that and when I snap at her and tell her that I don't want this treatment, I feel both guilty and sad because she's being so lovely to me but I simply can't take all this smothering. She feels like a stranger to me half the time. I look at her sometimes and think 'you're not my mum. You're someone else'.
I will go and see her this Christmas but because I have good reason to believe that she has the same distrusting problems as I, maintaining the relationship is very hard. When I reject her, she hurts, because I'm her world. And it's depressed me being with her because of how sad and lonely she is inside. She won't go to therapy herself and induces all her problems through very heavy intellectualization and philosohpy.
I don't really know why I'm writing this out here. I need to let it out I think. Going life alone without them makes me sad but also refreshes me somewhat. It's like 'Ah finally! I can breath! I can be me, whoever I am and whoever I choose to be'.
Has anyone ever felt like that during the course of therapy? Like at one time or several times, you just want to maintain yourself without these people anywhere near you. The very people who hurt you and caused this anguish?
I realize I have very BPD symptoms in this case of distrusting because instead of trusting people through moderation, I go back and forward and go through cycles of complete distrust lest I find something even slight that might show that the person will leave me. I have the all good/all bad splitting scenario and it's quite extreme. But what stuns me about myself is that I've learnt to live like this and it's become so normalized that it seems that there feels like there is no other way to live. That this way is the perfectly normal way to live.
I think T was catching onto the Borderline aspect (I say aspect because though I fit the criteria quite well in some ways, in other ways I do not, so I'm not quick to label myself as this or that, but simply use the symptoms as a way of directing my self knowledge), by querying how I deal with friendships. It's true that a perceived judgement of abandonment sends me into isolation. I'll cut that person off in mind completely and believe that the friendship is totally over, even though its not. I'll do it to cover and protect myself.
Then I'll feel bad because it was a perceived judgement. Not a real one.
Often I get quite confused over boundaries in frienships IF I do get close to someone which is very rare. I've been crying a lot over T because at the moment I'm perceiving that she doesn't like me and that she treats me as a number. This saddens me and brings up all sorts of things from the past that I didn't think I could connect to. It makes me 'forget' her in my standard way of dealing with people who I let in.
I guess I'm simply writing this because there's so much stuff I'm starting to realize about myself...If any of you have had similar experiences, please feel free to comment or say anything. I don't know why I'm writing this here. I think it's because you all have experienced heart wrenching stuff and you can empathize and understand. Perhaps I'm reaching out for people who know what I mean and what I'm saying.
Thanks for reading.
