I had to tell him I wanted to find another therapist over the weekend, I wanted to be able to walk into our next session and get the satisfaction of telling him "I am leaving, I do not need you anymore, I have found another therapist" and I told him I was only doing that because he was getting to my heart, I was feeling the pain of someone melting the hurting areas, and that I wanted to walk away before I hurt more because he was accessing hurt places and places where I now feel the need for him and the wanting of him, the missing of him, and the leaning on him, the sense of him as my solid point of return, the lode stone that I gain strength from in this snow storm of pre verbal pain and rage and confusion.
At least I was telling him. I was so glad I could tell him.
He was steady as usual. I tried throwing at him several verbal attacks really - like : I trusted the ex C and she swore she would not leave me, she would not walk away if it got tough and I hurt so much I was confused and raging, and hurting and muddled. And she walked away. I cannot even ask my sweetP if he will become frightened of me and want to walk away because like her, he will say ' of course not'.
He said, anyone now is a risk for me. All he can tell me is that with his experience of people and of himself, he does not have a plan of what to do, he only can work moment by moment with me, as I am, and that he will be with me and respond moment by moment feeling uncertain sometimes too and sometimes wondering where we are going too, but actually trusting hugely that this is the way through and it has been the way through too with other patients/clients.
He also reassured me that no matter what I did, he would be able to say at the end of each session ' See you next week'. I asked if I was raging at him, saying hurtful things in my own confusion and muddle, what would he do? He said he would hurt sometimes, for he is human and I could indeed say things that would hurt him, and he would have to go home and cope with that and yet he would still say ' See you next week.'
that was reassuring somehow.
then I said that I wanted to go and do more training and accept more work because then i could walk away from all this, and not take any of these awful risks, especially this risk of him walking away because I shall hit the attachment pains which are so 'too much ' for people. And he said I have experienced people finding that part of me too much but that I have also experienced a little of some people not finding me too much in that pain and that in the future I could find that I am not too much. And he then added, that although I see myself as 'wrong' inside, he knows that if anyone on this planet had been through what had happened to me, they would have the same feelings that I have - the same strong urgent need for the secure figure, the same wants and life threatening despair and terror, and so it is not something 'Wrong' in me, it is a normal responce to life threatening situations at a preverbal age.
That was very reassuring too.
He was so very sweet again.
I wrote him a card just now which I will give him next Tuesday when I see him , that apologises in advance for hurting him, if I do and asks him remember that I won't want to, I will just be lost and confused and hurting and that I will feel very sorry afterwards. I hope I don't hurt him. I have never hurt any of my previous therapists, in the way I did with ex C but then ex C refused to hear or believe the amount of confused pain I was in and how I needed stepping stones. She just insisted that I meet my own need, not realizing I had nothing in me to meet those screaming needs and pains.
and I got angry.
And she took it personally.I hope this makes sense.
Sweet P is glad I shall commit to telling him when I want to leave so that I don't actually leave as a reactive pattern.
He is so THERE for me. I find that I am going deeper in all the issues I brought up with all my previous T's. THat with him, it is like I have just jumped off the cliff and am actually tackling the areas that were too scary before. Maybe a part of me was so hurt through what happened with the ex C that I have decided that I have nothing to lose, as I could be hurt just as bad again or I could hurt a lot by facing these things in myself. both are awful hurts but doing neither (the trusting again AND the awful cliff leap of looking at the dark and secret pains) hurts too.
So at last I am actually just going for it.
I find myself writing him a note or making a joke with him and it used to remind me of the intimacy I had with ex C but this closeness I have with him, feels real. It did with her too, so there is not clear cut answer here. He said that life is like that, we just keep going, trusting and sometimes being let down, trusting and the people go, move, die or walk away, trusting and some stay and can be solid. That IS life. Wanting people NOT to EVER walk away from us, is unrealistic, even he might walk away, he does not know, he might die, he might get moved, all is uncertain, so why not just work well with what time we have knowing that he is committed to working with me and does not intend to walk away either.
I thought that was a sane and realistic answer.
