Got to thinking about this with another post.

When I first met my T, I kept talking about how I felt "coldness" and "loneliness" and "despair" at once. How I craved warmth.

I get triggered almost every winter. If I'm out at night- (I used to enjoy night snowboarding) I get drawn into this odd feeling. I don't know if I can do it justice here, but I'll try.

I want to surrender to the cold and darkness. It is painful, but fascinating...looking at the cold winter sky, the trees. Imagining freezing to death, and I can make myself feel colder almost instantly. I have this odd sense that it could be so easy to let it take me. How in the end, that is what is most real.. .coldness and darkness. It prevails. We live on this tiny, warm planet, but the universe.. is very large and very cold and could consume our planet in a heartbeat. And not even notice, or care, obviously.

Why not give in? It is a VERY intense feeling. I used to do some winter mountaineering, but now? I think it would overwhelm me. I do know that it would be difficult to actually follow through on it, it is not a suicidal ideation, although my T was concerned about me, wondering if I would actually give hypothermia a try. (insert dry, dark joke here)

So.. I go with it just a bit. I put on a song, like "No Quarter" by Led Zeppelin (or Tool- "Its getting COLDER..) and allow myself to feel it fully. Knowing that I can go back to my warm car, or to bar or restaurant with a fireplace, and people. But those things just don't feel "warm" to me like they once did.

Warmth. I want to talk about what that feels like. Physical warmth, compassion, love, some of the things we long for here. Kindness. All those things. Because my default is to read fantasy books about the lone warrior types-they ride their horses in the cold, in the mountains, travel through forests.. face the cold daily. warmth is a luxury for them. It makes me feel better, sometimes.

I do this like some would listen to the blues after breaking up with a significant other.

Does anyone else focus on such odd things when they feel lonely? Or is it just me?