Raven, I think where you are going wrong is you are comparing your parenting to that of some hypothetical perfect parent who doesn't actually exist.

If you compare instead to what things would have been like for your daughter if she had stayed in the foster system her entire life, that would be more realistic.

I think you're already doing everything you can, which is being the best you can be and doing your own work. She's only 13 now, but because she was adopted, you get to be her mom for many, many more years even after she has left home.

I am getting close to 30 now and I still wish I had a consistently supportive mother. My mom could be that, if she did some therapy but I'm pretty sure she won't. 17 years from now, if you keep on working, you could be the greatest mother ever to walk the planet, and I mean it.

I think your daughter is lucky to have you.

((((Raven)))) I think that you are the best parent in the world for your daughter. You adopted her at the age of eight, which means the attachment damage was done well before she was in your care. I'm not sure that it gets much more difficult for a parent than dealing with a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder. But here's the thing. You're capable of understanding at least some of what she's going through because of your own attachment injuries. But what's even more important is that you are showing her that there is a way to heal from those injuries. That going to get help and working on these issues might not be able to make all those injuries disappear but you can learn how to connect, that there is such a thing as "earned" secure attachment, that it is never too late to reach out and heal and live a full life. And she's getting to see this at 13 instead of waiting decades. YOU are the model she needs to see, someone who exposes their vulnerability, who struggles to heal, who reaches out with love to help another human being despite what's happened to her. You are an incredibly courageous woman with an immensely compassionate heart. You do not have to be perfect parent, only a good-enough parent. You're daughter is blessed to have you and I pray someday you'll get to hear that from her. (And for what it's worth, 13 just isn't a fun age any way you cut it. Kids are not at there most giving or loving.)

So I don't believe she would be much further along, in fact, I wonder if she would be as far as she is without a mother who can understand what she's going through.

AG

Raven,
...I agree with BLT and AG. I'll bet you are doing great and someday you will hear it.

Hopeful

((Raven))

I agree with what others have said, you are doing what you can and I think what you are doing is so strong - as AG said you are the model she needs to see.

We all have problems, even our Ts have problems... we're imperfect and again like AG said you do not need to be perfect only good enough and it sounds like you are well exceeding that mark as it is. What I wouldn't have given for a parent who even wondered this kind of stuff. You will heal and so can your daughter and it sounds like you have good Ts helping you with this.

hang in there

Thinking of you,
^_^ Cat

Raven - wise people have commented before me.

I have found that the "bad" parents out there are the ones who think they always do the right thing and never question themselves or their motives - the "good" parents are the ones who are always trying to improve themselves. You are in the "good" basket. A 'bad' parent is one who denies there is ever a problem, a bad parent doesn't get help when it is needed - i could go on.... You have her in therapy - this is the best gift you could give her - you are giving her a chance to learn and to heal.

I have read a bit about RAD and adopting kids - You have done an amazing thing and you have 'saved' her. She has had a crappy existence before you helped her and she now has a chance to be happy, fulfilled and healed for the rest of her life. You have given her that.

You are learning about the issues alongside with her - how awesome is that. In years to come it will be a magic bond you share.

You weren't wrong to adopt her, but it is a long, slow process and the payoff might not be for a long time yet. You have to hang in there and believe in yourself.

I don't feel as guilty today - thank you. It's a roller coaster I've been on - back and forth with feelings of doing a good thing and giving her a chance and feelings of ruining her more. I can't assume that she could have been adopted by a better family. She may have stayed in the system until she turned 18. I just know deep down that I don't give her all she needs and I can't. I hope I can one day. I am working in therapy. And I hope one day she can give to me too. Maybe we can have a great future relationship. It's something to hope for.