It would have been a nice session if not for the triggers near the end. We talked and laughed and sat on the floor and colored a bit, though I still struggled with it. At one point he commented that he was having way too much fun, that he was supposed to be working here. He did seem to be having fun, smiling and joking back and forth with me most of the session. I can really believe that he genuinely likes me and enjoys working with me, which is something. He probably feels that way about everyone, though. It would have been OK (although expensive) to just have a light, connecting session if there hadn't have been real things coming up for me. And I couldn't stop taking care of the boundaries to keep them from surfacing. My problem as much as his.
What bothers me the most, and I know I'm being unreasonable, is that he always asks about wrapping up, like when we pray. I hate that he asks and he has tried to reword it at a suggestion, but says he has never-ever not asked and it feels wrong to not do so. It is hard for the little ones, though, because they feel pushed off on God and if they're given a choice, they'd just say no and want to stay, but what the question means is if there is anything else that needs to be wrapped up before leaving can be an OK experience. Then, rather than telling me we need to go, he just kept going, "Well..." or "So..." which made me feel like, "Come on, Yaku, get a clue!"
I told him one part was saying, "Look, there is no nice way to say, 'Get the f--- out already,' so just do it!"
He sounded sad and said that it's not like that at all, because that implies that he didn't want us there in the first place and that's just not true, not how he feels at all. He explained he would love to stay and talk much later and the reality is he has to commute tonight, get to bed, get to an early morning appointment...and also has a cold coming on, so he needs to take care of himself. I know all of this (well, except the sick part) already and I was glad that he was holding the boundary in a way that was clearly about him, but I just wish he would be more direct about these things in the first place. I feel like it's nearly impossible to not take advantage of his generous nature when he just waits for me to have the initiative to leave. I need him to have another strategy, like walking me out or something. I don't know. It would be easier to have everyone inside mad at him for having to leave than be in some internal tug-a-war just trying to stand up and move through the door.I am starting to think the inconsistency of his session availability is really starting to weigh on me. Last week, I had almost four hours. This week, probably two. It averages out, as ideally I'd like three...but, going from more than enough support one week to not enough another makes it hard to manage. And I never know until the last minute exactly when or how long my sessions will be. These are things I have accepted, because my T is, in ever other way, such a good fit for me. I feel very safe with him and secure in the relationship (well, not always, but more than I've ever been in such a vulnerable connection). But, of course, there are parts that are saying, "Come on, T, get your $#!+ together!"
In the end, I am confronting him on the stuff that is making things hard for me, which is more than I've ever been able to do. He's definitely safe to me, no matter how I feel about him, me, our work together. I am trusting him enough to receive from him (like him applying for the SCA when there is nothing I can do to help that process). I feel like I am connecting more and believing in his care, panicking and projecting less.
T said it will just take more time to have all the parts experience that safe connection in little bits for trust to be built across the board. However, it feels so impossible to be having this scary stuff surface and not be able to process it with him at all. It makes me feel so alone that even though I could have gone in there and told him what has been coming up for me...even though I really wanted to...even though consciously, I feel very safe to do it...I just can't! Something inside numbs me out and detaches me from a sense that any of it matters until it is too late to do it. And now I am carrying this through to our Friday phone call. At the very least, I should have just spent the session dealing with insurance BS and boundaries talk. It would have been progress of a sort.
Instead, I am left with two more days of hanging onto ALL of that stuff and trying not to process it too much here or in my journal or in my head such that it never makes its way into therapy. But, even when I do that, it still doesn't, so instead I am just under assault from things that feel they have nowhere to go.
Days like these, I just feel the whole endeavor is pointless.
