He sent me a text first thing in the morning to let me know my appointment time would be 8:00 pm (it was between 8:00 and 9:00 pm). So, I texted him a thanks and let him know I was scared about coming in after last session and was praying. He texted back "Praying, also." So, I was feeling like...I love that my T texted me about my appointment time before I got a chance to ask (I was actually mid-text when he sent) and that he took the time to text back that he had my back about how I was feeling.
Then, an hour and a half later, T texts again saying, "Hi again. It's your annoying therapist changing the appt. time to 9pm. Hope that does not inconvenience you." So here, I am feeling all sorts of things. First, not really annoyed that the appointment time is changing, but bummed out that it will be so late, because he will probably be so tired and it's hard for me to not pay attention to the time and do caretaking stuff when he is working so late. Second, incredibly appreciative, because he is so attuned to my feelings about myself and knew I would be projecting something ridiculous, like he was changing it just so it would be harder to run late with me, because he wants to spend as little time with me as possible. So, he texted that he was "annoying" to alleviate those concerns and let me know it was about him. Also, it really HURT me to hear him call himself annoying, because the part of me that is so attached and cares very deeply about him thinks that is the furthest thing from the truth. And then, part of me wanted to tease him that it would cost him something (like sitting with me again). I told him all this (except the sitting with me part). He sent back a smiley.
Still really scared that I will feel pushed away from him tonight, but objectively...I know that T "sees" me and is trying very hard to create a safe space for me there. It's a tender and scary feeling all at once. Very confusing.