, I have been trying to view my shame about needing to connect with my T differently. In my last session I brought up my fear that she would see my need for frequent sessions as unhealthy dependency on her. Her response surprised me - she said it was not about dependency and that frequent sessions are ideal because it is easier to stay connected when we see each other more frequently. She also said it was also her feeling that therapists tend to wish more people would schedule frequent sessions, but it is not something most put out there because there are lots of issues around it, including time and money. So that started me thinking.....In the past, I have felt like when I wanted to contact her between sessions, or schedule more frequent sessions, or felt connected to her in session, I felt instant shame and shut down. I have always associated this with weakness and neediness. (recently learned from AG that the shame is more likely a coping mechanism we developed in an effort to avoid feeling rejected for having a need in early in life) I also feel angry with her fairly often in response to something she says or does in session or something I think she might be thinking, and want to shut down and close her out in anger - of course it is always me I end up punishing. For example, when she was recently on vacation and we had scheduled some phone calls, I found myself wanting to withdraw and not call or not answer her call because I was feeling anger and shame and didn't need her or anyone else. Sound familiar?
Lately, I have been trying to not give into that way of thinking and most importantly not behave in ways that can reinforce that pattern for me. So, I did call her and told myself that I was taking care of myself. I also find myself wanting to cancel sessions for the same reason, and I have this huge fear that I will just suddenly stop going - usually when I am feeling really exposed about something. So far I have only canceled twice, but the fear is there.
So blocking out the messages that tell me I am weak and needy feels healthy on one hand because I am not listening to those self-depreciating voices, but on the other VERY LOUD SIDE, I hear you are so weak for being so needy and for giving into it and now you are making excuses for it by calling it healthy.
So, I guess what I am wondering is if I am making excuses for giving into my being weak and needy or if I am really taking care of myself.
Would like to hear others' experiences if anyone wants to share.
) so I'll be back later, but I wanted to reassure you in a more timely manner. I think you're doing something very difficult and should be proud of yourself, actually.
Broke my heart. It was so kind of your T to come to you when you needed her. 
