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6 replies

weaning myself from therapy

heldincompassionheldincompassionMember
I am thinking again about trying to quit. Last time I tried was back in December of 2012. I thought I would switch from weekly to once every two weeks. Something or other triggered me big time (I don't even remember what now, lol!) and so I went to twice a week for awhile to get stable before I scaled back to weekly again.

Now I'm thinking maybe. . . I could give myself plenty of time to adjust to the idea of going every two weeks. Say, I could think about it for a month. And during that month-- NO out of session contact. See how I do. Then I could switch to every two weeks, maybe maintain that for the next several months, and see if by the end of this year I'd be okay with just going once a month, for general maintenance.

I'll try to work in some other activities and social stuff so detaching from T doesn't leave such a gaping hole.

I know I have more work I could do. I'm just not sure I want to do it with this T. I know she cares for me a lot and she has been great in many ways, but I think she has her style of working and I've tried to nudge her into modifying that a bit for me, and while she's been adaptable somewhat-- I'm starting to have a feeling it's not a great idea.

I think she basically wants to be nice to people and talk to them and work them through a little CBT to alleviate symptoms and then send them on their patched together and merry way. She seems much happier and surer of herself when we're focused on a specific symptom, or talking on a more superficial level. And that's okay! I guess it's only not okay if I try to force her to be someone she's not.

I have attachment issues and some trauma and some deep seated relationship patterns that need changing. None of these appear to be areas that T is particularly knowledgeable in. But. . . they can wait. I've gotten a ton more functional since we started, and maybe that's enough. The woman is simply not a depth psychologist. She's never claimed to be.

I don't want to make this into a disaster if it's not on it's own. I think I need to get out.
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jonesjonesMember
HIC - I've SO been where you are, numerous times, unfortunately. I'm sorry you haven't been able to get those deeper needs met with this therapist. Given that she's served you well-enough with the surface stuff and she cares about you then there's probably some kind of bond there, and it can be hard to see beyond that (especially when there are attachment issues in play) to know what to do. But what you write here seems very clear-sighted to me, and personally I think it's the right call. Take the resources you could spend here and conserve them for the right time and/or person.

Each time I've come to this decision my attachment needs have reacted in some way as I've moved away, a little or a lot depending on the relationship and what else is going on. Hope you can be gentle with yourself if that happens - could be some hurt, anxiety, despair.

Sometimes the only way to find comfort with moving on has been to promise myself that I will keep looking. Eventually after numerous rounds of this (I live somewhere with very limited therapeutic options) I reached out remotely to someone whose practice ethos I knew WAS in the right ballpark because I'd read her writing. So we're working by skype and I feel very positive about it.

Good luck with the changes ahead.
MallardMallardMember
It sounds like you have a handle on recognising that you have work still to do and understanding the limits of the relationship with this T. It does sound like you've done some good work together though.

What's difficult is differentiating between what you are describing and the 'I need out' feelings you get in therapy when you hit a rocky patch. I know I have had my feelings about my T do an abrupt 180 when I'm in the middle of some transference-driven confusion. You are the best judge of where you are right now.

My healing journey started 15 years ago. I think it's worked for me to do therapy in stages. Like you, I have also seen people, where I have come to the conclusion that we've done as much as we can together. When I've looked back, it has become clearer that the work I did then paved the way for future work that I may not have been ready for if I dived straight in at depth. The earlier work gave me valuable coping tools.

I have attachment and trauma issues too. When I decided I was finally ready to do some more work on that stuff, I took a lot of time trying to find someone I could work with. I also took some advice and did some research on the sort of therapy that might suit me. It worked for the most part, although I'd by lying if I said it was plain sailing!!

Whatever you decide, I hope you feel you've managed another step in the journey and you're proud of the progress you are making.
heldincompassionheldincompassionMember
Thanks Jones, Mallard. It's been a bittersweet feeling the last couple days. I feel a sense of loss, even though T hasn't gone anywhere. Maybe it's loss of the hope that I could get *everything* resolved with this T. Perhaps it is more realistic to think of healing as something long term that can happen in pieces and stages. What T has provided has definitely been significant. Like I said, I think I'll keep seeing her for awhile because of that bond and because I want/need the support. This is more about adjusting expectations and preparing for an end.

There are limited therapy options where I live, too, and no one else around that I'd really want to work with. So this will probably mean a break from therapy altogether for awhile, once we wrap up. However, I may relocate some day or someone promising may set up shop in town. I'll keep my ear to the ground in case.
jonesjonesMember
HIC, you might want to think about the long-distance option too. Lots of Ts work by phone and skype alongside their ordinary practice, and although it's new for me so far I'm finding it's not significantly different. If there's someone elsewhere who you feel would be a really good match, it could be worth it.

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