does anyone else struggle more at weekends than during the week?
during the week i could say i am high functioning, or at least to the extent that it seems that way - i manage to go to work (occasionally i have called in sick when too depressed or upset but not too often) i do my job and hopefully no cracks are visible (i worry that sometimes they are and that other people think i'm strange), but to the outside world i try to show that i have it all together, although behind the scenes i might struggle with day to day things like looking after myself properly, laundry, grocery shopping etc...
but the weekend... all my resolve to try to be normal just dissolves as soon as i wake up on sat morning, sometimes even from friday, although i have a little more hope on friday evenings and sometimes i try to make plans for the weekend. which, a lot of the time, just DOESNT work. its like a part of me wants to be depressed and lie in bed and do nothing all weekend. i think i try hard to suck it up during the week, suppress or repress all my feelings as i'm trying to be a 'functioning adult' and then they all come crashing at the weekend because i know i have 2 days where its not absolutely necessary that i am 'functioning'. although, they dont exactly come 'crashing', they are still suppressed and hidden under the surface, i just feel a heavy twisted mass pressing on my brain and i do everything i can to keep them hidden which is such a painful and exhausting exercise, which then feeds the angry beast (feelings) even more. and they are not nice feelings, it's a lot of rage and anger and shame and i dont even know what, its just all twisted into this huge complicated... thing... that i cant even put into words and i don't even know what to do with it, how to even start because it feels so big it will swallow me whole. there are times when the 'beast' feels smaller and i manage to fall apart and cry and tame it but most of the time it feels too big. but a lot of the times it feeds the self hate even more as if the only 'release' i know is to punish myself.
sorry i feel like i'm going around in circles to explain something which is probably quite simple - unable to regulate emotions - or something like that, except that is my very problem, being able to 'feel' and put the feelings into words.
just wondering if anyone else has this problem where it just gets much harder at the weekends and if you have anything that you do which helps. (although i'm worried that a part of me doesn't want this 'help')
thank you for listening.
puppet
p.s. i am a 'puppet', i perform for others during the week, but i try to run away from myself when 'off-duty'
Original Post
and i hate those 'how was your weekend' questions too! its sad that we spent so much of our energy trying to 'appear' fine to others and then fall apart when on our own.