this is some thoughts i had in reaction to a small dissagrement my T ond i had about things being harder as a child to handle.i felt it was easier and this is why.i hope to some day be able to share this with her but i am scared she would think i was insane or that it was all stupid.

I find it amazing the ability that a child has to adapt and survive the most horrendous situations. If only in my adult life I could do the same. Just be able to adapt to whatever has been thrown at me and move on and continue to grow
as long as I can remember the nightmare I lived as a child had been buffered by the safety and comfort of this unbelievably amazing imaginary world that I created and was able to retreat to whenever there was a need .unfortunately every child must grow up .the innocence is eventually tarnished and stretched to the point of being shattered and ripped away .I fear this is what must have happened to me. Eventually this safe comforting world that I created for myself betrayed me. Eventually it turned into a horror show in my head, chastising me for my failures to cope. It became punishing and unforgiving. As I became older it was no longer the escape that kept me safe but had become an uncontrollable hell.
As young child I think I eventually learned I needed no one. I basically had no use for people at all except for my basic care. Even then I was able to just accept what was given and not ask. When I was made to stay in my room for long lengths of time I was able to create my own entertainment in the form of an imaginary world. This went beyond just creating an imaginary friend per say but could best be described as a net work of support, encouragement, entertainment, and comfort. It is so hard to describe what I was able to do. I became the center of my own world. I was able to close out anything from the world outside. If lonely I always had thoughts from this world to keep me company. If I was to draw something, I needed no one in the outside world to tell me how beautiful it was .I was the center of my internal world and when needed had a cascade of imaginary people and thoughts to make me feel it was the most beautiful thing that had ever been drawn, I needed nothing else. For hours I could sit in my room and have the most wonderful conversations with myself and my world .I know it is hard to explain but I was never alone. If sitting at the window in my room counting cars that drove bye I was able to be in my head with my world counting the cars with me, maybe even taking turns noticing the cars. But of course I was always the best at it, after all it was my world. At the time I needed nothing else. As long as I had my internal world I could stay in that room for as long as the mother wanted me to.
The need to have other people in my life became less important. My internal world was much more comfortable to be in, it was predictable the outside world was horrible and cruel. Not only did I have a hatred for my home but I also had a huge hatred for people in general. School did not escape this hatred either. I never had any use for the other kids or teachers. I saw them as scary and I wanted nothing to do with them at all. I have wonderful memories of walking around the school playground with the most amazing music running in my head to entertain and calm me. Music created from my own mind, with my own words. Any insecurity I may have had on the school yard and in class were always alleviated by my internal world. Never from these teachers that I was convinced hated me. My imaginary world kept me far away from and safe from the cruelty of the other students.
The shame, humiliation, isolation, neglect horrible beatings, or whatever the mother threw at me was always buffered and endured with the ability to escape into my head. I was safe she may have been able to abuse my body but I wasn’t there. With each blow my internal world was supportive and encouraging, reminding me that this is something that I can handle. Always reminding me I am strong and that this is nothing and that I can handle anything. I am able to shut out the pain, think about other things and listen to the words of my mind. Revel in the fact that these blows don’t need to touch me. I am able to know how amazing I am, to be able to handle the beatings better than anyone in the outside world. It will end and once again I will have dealt with it better then the time before. In my internal world it was just a part of a big competition that if endured I would always win and in the end always be praised. It would be reason to celebrate, with each blow I would be reminded of the outcome. That I would receive the comfort that is rightfully mine.
As I have said it is amazing the power of the mind. Just as this world I created in my mind had comforted me and had kept me safe and untouched for so many years. It also turned out to be just as punishing and unforgiving when it was denied. For many years I often wondered what happened to the safety of that world. What had made things go so wrong? I believe the beginning of this world turning in on me came in the form of a friend from the outside world. I think on some level this was seen as a huge betrayal to everything that has kept me safe, comforted, and protected. I believe this caused the worst upset in my internal world ever. It was an attack to every deep belief I had. That people were horrible, mean, and dangerous. I think on some level I saw it as a failure of strength. I swear this created an war and anger in my internal world that I think still on some level still exists today. But that is another entry at a later date