We started in the beginning talking about an e-book I had been reading, that was called Embracing Intimacy. I was telling her how the workbook has a list of about 20 different motivations for avoiding intimacy, and their childhood origins, and I think I checked off all but five of them as being ones I identified myself as having, either currently or in the past, ha! But as I was telling her the title of the book I looked really grossed out by it (eewww, intimacy!), and then we both laughed about how it was a bad title because everyone who really needs it would be put off by it, and that many of us aren't ready to embrace intimacy and are still at the point of barely tolerating it
After that, I finally managed to bring up the topic of insurance and being in therapy versus ending. I was saying that it seems like since I don't have a lot of symptoms anymore and things are going better in my life, I don't know why my insurance should have to keep paying for my therapy under the idea that I have an anxiety disorder which I don't think I actually have and T frankly doesn't either. Last session she flat-out told me that the diagnosis was just about "playing the system" to get me the maximum number of sessions without her having to submit excessive amounts of reports. I told her that I was uncomfortable with that.
She said that she is in contact with insurance, that they know what is going on (aside from the somewhat bogus diagnosis, I guess??) and that the real question is whether I still need therapy or not, regardless of insurance. She said her concern was that one of the issues I've had is downplaying my own needs and deciding I don't actually need them. I finally said there's a conflict between what I want and what I *need.* She said yes, I get that you might want therapy and yet feel that you don't strictly need it. She asked me how I would define "needing" therapy and I talked about how when I first started, I didn't feel like I deserved it at all, no matter how miserable I was, and that it was miraculous I had made it this far, that my standards had changed to allow myself to have more support. Then she went on for a while about how some people take breaks and then come back and work at a different level, blah blah.
I was just sitting there with this feeling of...I dunno, unhappiness. And I finally said "I can't believe I have to be the one to say this but...if I leave or take a break, I will miss you." It felt so unappealing to say but it felt like the elephant in the room. Anyway, she came right back saying she would miss me too, but it wasn't her place to keep me around so she wouldn't have to miss me. I could have sworn she actually looked a little emotional saying it. She said she felt it was important for me to know it was mutual, though.
Finally she asked me if I had felt conflicted when she offered me a session last Saturday and I said I didn't need it. I said no, that a small part of me might have liked to go but it wasn't a big deal. Then she asked if I felt the same way about the current situation. I got kind of annoyed and told her I knew where she was going with this and I thought it was a little evil. She basically trapped me by pointing out I *did* know what it felt like to have clarity about not needing something, and I wasn't feeling that kind of clarity about therapy in general yet. Damn clever T
Around then it had been about 45 minutes and I had run out of things to say, so I told her I should be going. She disagreed with that, and I said it seemed like she couldn't really decide how long my session was. She said "you're right" and that she was having a hard time with the shorter sessions, also, but it was OK that we were winding down at that point. So I showed her a clip from one of my favorite movies, Tangled
which she hadn't seen before. Her reactions to the song I showed her were SO FUNNY! She told me it made her want to go and see the movie.So yeah, that was my session. Seriously, how am I ever going to leave at this rate?
The evil witch reminds me of my mother. 