Sounds like you are right about where I am, Liese...do you think I am a jerk?

Don't be so hard on yourself. I don't get the point of therapy right now either, that's why I'm breaking, but I will say that the sense of having nowhere to turn is extremely frightening. Maybe you should hang onto your T for now, and go see this gal again?

BB

Liese I see no reason for you to say you are sorry to me or to yourself, except for the pain you are in. Please don't feel badly. I was told that my T "may" be too enmeshed with me before he abandoned me and I stuck it out. I was determined to make it work (can anyone say repetition compulsion) and we had had disruptions before that we were able to heal and get past.... or at least I was able to. I guess he harbored resentments towards me for a long time.

I'm sorry you are facing this conclusion now with the help of a consult T. I do think when a T is scared of the feelings in the room they tend to lapse into a negative transference which if not controlled will doom the therapy. There are gonna be feelings for them within a long-term relationship and they have to be able to deal with it appropriately. My oldT could not, Beebs T is struggling with this and I think your T Liese, would rather just pretend it's not really there and move onto other things that are not attachment related.

Beebs... just to share with you... the feelings you are experiencing now were the most powerful and intense ones that I had... which is the profound aloneness when your T is no longer there. I felt like I was going to die. The fear was just overwhelming. I didn't know what to do and could not face the mornings because when the realization hit me that he was gone I was traumatized all over again. The only way I got past the worst of this was in finding my T. Having him hear me out and explain things to me was what saved me.

To both of you big hugs. Be gentle with yourselves. This is not your fault.

TN

Thanks BB and TN, Thanks for being so supportive. Beebs, I don't think you are a jerk so I guess I could say the same about me. I'm just sad for me. I just always wanted to be normal. I guess when I accept that if I was normal as a child and it was my parents who were limited BUT that my life has been anything but normal since then as a result of all that, maybe when I come to grips with it all and I'll be able to move on. Does that sentence make any sense?

I actually really liked the consult T I saw today and she was really easy to talk to about the sexual stuff. Maybe it IS a good move for me afterall.

She seemed to really get a handle on me. She came right out and asked me if he'd mentioned "borderline". I said yes, that he said I had three traits. She said according to Marsha Linehan, sometimes people who aren't borderline TAKE ON borderline traits after a trauma. I found that interesting. Got to get her book!!!

She felt as though he was being too rigid with me and his boundaries pricely because, she's guessing, he's "labelled" me borderline but that he's not giving me some sense of caring that obviously I need and is causing a reenactment.

She did suggest that he and I would have to successfully work through the transference/countertransference issues but she didn't seemed confident that he could do it, that he is either uncomfortable with it or unable to do it. TN, you hit the nail on the head with that one.

Now I just feel like this really needy little girl that he was scared of. Who will ever want this really needy little girl? Who is going to want to help her?

At this point, I really feel as though the only reason I would go back is the little girl in me who still loves T and refuses to believe he would ever hurt her. But after the way I functioned this week, I don't want to feel that way again. Consult T told me that I don't have to feel that way, that I should be able to function and process the past at the same time.

Thanks again guys for the support.

((((Liese)))) I have absolutely no wisdom to offer, but lots of hugs your way. I'm sorry that you're in this place. It must be heartrending.

Thanks DF and Yaku,

I actually feel a little better because I took some control. I wrote T a letter and told him how I reacted to our last session. I also told him how difficult the week has been for me and that I decided to consult with someone else. I told him that the consult T feels that he and I are caught up in a dynamic and that we need to work past it. I also told him that I would be sad to leave him because I do like him a lot but that it would be okay, that I would be okay because I am tired of hurting so much. I said in my final paragraph that if I am really honest with myself, I don't know how I would ever really work through my feelings for him.

Initially, I was going to bring it to my session on Monday and have him read it while I sat there but I think it's better if he reads it and has time to honestly reflect on what I wrote. I also felt an intense amount of anxiety facing the weekend because it was getting that much closer to Monday. I am so tired of all the emotional pain I was in this week that I just need a break.

I left him a voicemail cancelling Mondays appointment and told him I sent him a letter. I asked him to call by Thursday if he hadn't gotten the letter because of the fiasco in the fall when my letter supposedly took 10 days to get to the next town. I feel such a relief that I'm taking a break from this for at least the weekend. I don't know when I will hear from him but at this point, am okay with that.

I don't feel so alone because I really liked consult T. I think she would work with me. Maybe it's all for a reason. Maybe I couldn't process the sexual stuff with a male T and it's a blessing in disguise. Sometimes, the reasons for something aren't apparent initially. Maybe I needed to move on a long time ago but just couldn't. I'm not good at moving on. I just feel like a train wreck right now and need to get my life back.

((((GUYS)))) Thanks for your support!!! You are all the best!

Liese I think that took a lot of courage and strength. I could never cancel with oldT even though I should have. I should have left him first. At least I would have felt empowered in some way that I was making my own decisions and looking out for myself. Both you and BB show a lot of courage in this that I never had. I never even thought of going to a consult T to try to help me figure things out. I wonder if it would have helped us to either stay together or at least end the relationship in a way that was not so damaging to me. I still cannot get past not being able to say goodbye. I let it all get out of my control and in your case, you are seizing control and that is great.

I hope your T does the right thing and calls and that you can have the Thursday session to come to some decisions or arrangments for the future. I'm sorry you have been in such emotional pain. It can be so exhausting and we do need a break from it in order to live our lives somewhat normally. I'm glad that you liked consult T and feel you could work with her and that she gets you. That is so important. Therapy should not be so hard and when you are with a T who can't be what you need and want then it makes therapy really difficult.

I hope you can do something nice for yourself this weekend and enjoy the nice weather.

Hugs
TN

Thanks TN

(((Liese))) I hope everything works out for the best, whatever that ends up being.

Thanks STRM,

You have such a lovely relationship with your T. The work you do with her is inspirational.

Liese

Liese, you are not a jerk. You're just in a really painful situation. When I read about your interactions with your T I feel for you because I think that consulting T may be on to something.

It's good to always remember that Ts are human and they, just like us, react to relationships that they are in. The problem is WE (the client) are so vulnerable that real damage can be done. A good T consults outside of therapy with other Ts (never using patient names) in order to keep their baggage out of the picture and truly help the client. I have asked Ts before if they have a consultation group? If they don't I see that as RED FLAG. They can't do this work in a vacuum. If they try to they are risking real harm to their clients. I have read about this in numerous books etc. This is not a novel idea or practice.

Anyway when countertransference gets negative or punitive it must be caught and dealth with right away by the T or it will basically cause treatment to come to a stand still at best.

I think it would be harmful for you to simply walk away with no words etc. I think it would be very helpful to you if you were to go to your next session with him and talk about all of this as candidly as you can. Tell him your concern about negative countertransference on his part. Let him speak about his experience with you. But also be open to the idea that he is being honest. You know what I mean? Like don't second guess him. If he says 'I feel committed to working with you and at times I get very frustrated and that's why I act that way.' Then take that at face value and then say to him that you want to discuss that because he needs to know that his frustration is NOT helpful for you. All it is doing is causing more things to happen that cause more frustration. You know what I mean? You need support not frustration. (this is an example anyway)

Sorry if this seems like I am telling you what to do but it's hard to type out all that i want to say in a more graceful way.

((((Liese))))

Jo