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9 replies

What am I doing wrong?

catalystcatalystMember
I know this topic sort of crosses stuff in here.

But I told my T the other day I was feeling better and also feeling resistance (example: I'm hungry and eating, which is not in line with my ED so I am both frustrated and don't want to be hungry, but feeding myself at the same time).

T said that some people resist getting better because it means they have to quit therapy. This triggered me because I took it as 'You're not doing this right'.

Anything T says I'm doing 'better' I flip it around as 'before, you were doing xyz worse or wrong or bad'. I finally got close and stable with my T, feeling 'seen' by her, therefore feeling seen within myself (I exist, that's why I'm hungry, etc). Have I been playing safe too long?

I'm so confused. There really is nothing T can say that I hear. Also, she isn't going to tell ME when I'm done. Yet, I feel in a way she is. I feel more human and less of just a ball of shameful trauma.

T suggested that everyone needs someone 'stable' and 'caring' in their lives and said I've never had that (and I've just fully started to feel that with T). I told her, I know, but I want that "out there" and now feel like I have to scramble to find an out there person to get this done with.

If I'm not feeling traumatized right now, do I need to sit in a room w/ a nice person? T will say that she is not going away, that she will be doing this for many years. I get that... but I also wonder if she says that to reassure me like... I can/should leave now and if I need to come back, she'll still be hangin' out.

I feel so much like I am moving forward, but I've skipped the part of working through pain. Maybe that's not how my healing was going to look? I want my T to tell me, you should have an average of ____ time left. I feel like I'm over time, like... sucking good time away from my T she could use somehow else.

Ugh... I have no words, not even with T, to explain. Any time we talk right now it just triggers more since I'm not hearing her and just turning everything that is said in on myself as something wrong. I feel comforted and comfortable with her. Then that makes me feel insecure because... shouldn't I do this on my own? And she says everyone needs love, comfort, consistency and that this whole thing with her is new to me. Sigh.

I want to just curl up with my T, and run the hell away from her. Which I know is attachment but at the same time am pretty sure I need to start disconnecting yet my T keeps... connecting. Which I suppose is what you need to do when ending a relationship.

Ugh guys... I just want to be stabbed in the chest and mercy killed. This is awful and I'm confused. I have ABSOLUTELY no clue what is going on, what I'm thinking, what to do... so if anyone has suggestions, I'm open.
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L lieseMember
(((CAT))))

I had a similar discussion with my T. He essentially said that nothing in our relationship is going to change as I improve. I need the stability with him so I was really glad to hear that. I think sometimes I was afraid to tell him when I was doing better because I was afraid he would make me cut down on sessions. It was nice to get the reassurance.

It sounds like your T understands that you need stability in your life. Maybe she's willing to be that for you as long as you need and not just because you are having a hard time?
catalystcatalystMember
((Liese)) Good to see you around! My T did say something similar about nothing changing. It just made me wonder why I needed it? I guess the stability, like you're saying. You made me think of something with your comment about it not just being while it's a hard time. That's interesting, because I never thought of it that way. I figured I should only go to therapy if I was having a hard time and now that, even if there are hard times, things are more tolerable I just think... that's the point. This is random but this is sort of like how I am on the phone... I figure a person only wants to talk to me (or I only want to talk to them) to accomplish something (I do most of my casual talking through e-mail and the phone is usually for pointed discussion - I haven't sat on the phone and chilled out on a regular basis since I was 12). So when my T calls the second she is on the phone it is my personal mission to get off the phone as immediately as possible (get what I need, leave). So... in a way it feels like I got what I needed, now it's time to leave (hang up). As a kid I would just long for the moment that no one would be interacting with me... like get it over with asap. Maybe... what my T meant when she said the other day to me something like "Let's just keep continuing with what we've been doing" (instead of halting to talk about it - which I can't seem to grasp). I dunno... sigh. I just feel like if I'm not perpetually doing something then I'm just wasting time (hers and mine).

Thanks, Liese, you really got my brain cooking! Hug two

((TAS)) I've been seeing my T for a little over 3 years @ generally 2x per week. Thank you for saying I'm worth it... eek. Hug two It is weird for her to say she'll be there, I believe her I'm just feeling horrified at that being reassuring I guess.

Thanks for helping me think this through, ladies. I'm a puddle of confusion.
catalystcatalystMember
Just wanted to update... that my T and I did really.... odd..... work today. It got me in a crazy "little Cat" head space. It was like my feelings took me in to a flashback type thing, she gave me something to draw on, then sat with me (I was feeling scared, alone, anxious). Anyway... without even thinking about it much I had the most amazing re-visualization about an experience of being locked in my room when I was a kid and it was like she came in there with me and hung out. It really fixed a lot of... whatever the strange thing it was that I was feeling.

Anyway... I'm avoiding calling my T to thank her until after her pager time before she is gone for holiday.

Sometimes she asks me to do the most pointless things (I was really really mad at my "young" parts and couldn't get there) and they are always somehow the best things.
catalystcatalystMember
Hi ((Hollow)) - That does make sense... I don't think I've heard it explained that way before. Thank you! When my T talks about what I have left to do... I always project or interpret (or maybe it's true, but just her opinion) is just a matter of trivia. That I'm looking at scrapes, scratches or tummy aches as gunshot wounds. You are right about putting in stitches may not be all that is required... because, to contradict myself, I feel that I do just concentrate sometimes on the little stuff and do the Monty Python "but a flesh wound" (minimize/ignore) the big stuff. Hug two thank you!

((BLT)) What better reason to be done than fear and denial!?! A girl needs to dream Smiler
pathwewalkpathwewalkMember
quote:
Originally posted by catalyst:

I want to just curl up with my T, and run the hell away from her. Which I know is attachment but at the same time am pretty sure I need to start disconnecting yet my T keeps... connecting.


(((Cat)))

I know that feeling SO well, and I related to much of what you wrote. I feel like I've trusted my T more than anyone before and as such it's time to move on. I am desperate to and I'm terrified to all in the same breath. Ugh.

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