Oh Hi Jill,

I so completely understand how you feel. Or at least I think i do. My T does the same thing. He changes the subject or talks about things I don't want to talk about. This went on several session till I got angry enough and talked about something i wanted to talk about - but it wasn't something he wanted to talk about. I felt really good afterward for asserting myself but then came crumbling down because I became afraid he was going to reject me. I guess it all comes down to hopefully eventually we will feel secure enough in the relationship that we won't feel so threatened to be angry with them.

I dont' think you did anything wrong by saying those things to her. You're not horrible. It's just scary being angry with her. But it also sounds to me like you're really scared. And, you need to protect yourself. Maybe she doesn't understand how awful you feel in between sessions? When I told my T how I brutalized myself for 5 days after a session when I was angry with him, he was very comforting and has been since. I told him I thought it was too threatening for me to be angry with him.

Have you told her how awful you feel? If you haven't, you should. Because I don't think you should be in so much distress in between sessions. Does anyone else have an opinion about this?

I only say this Jill, because I actually emailed Shrinklady when I was brutalizing myself and she told me that I was flooded. And not that my T is not a good T, but that in her experience a lot of T's don't really understand trauma and don't know how to deactivate (not sure if that's the right word?) at the end of a session. What shrinklady said really helped me a lot. It helped me to go in and tell T how I was feeling since the last session. He was much more compassionate. So maybe she doesn't know how much torture this is causing you??? Not sure. Can you tell me more?

Don't beat yourself up!!!!

(((((HUGS)))))

Liese

Hi Jill,

As far as I am aware there are two rules:

1. Turn up
2. Pay on time

Other than that, it is in your best interest to speak up for yourself, talk about what you need to talk about and be yourself.

Hugs

And also, it is the T or P's job to hold the boundaries and follow the rules.

So how'd it go Jill?

liese, thanks for your words. yes, it is scary being mad at her. that was exactly it. and scary expressing it, and fearing her rejection. that has been going on for a month, and yesterday we finally addressed it.

mh, 'squashing all feelings'...that is how i live my life, afraid of negative feelings, and fear of expressing them, so i TRY to squash and deny they exist...which leads to chronic anxiety.

drag, (hug), thanks. you say they make them up as they go, and, i think you are right. they are timid to be clear upfront about what they are, i guess, for fear of sounding cold and heartless. but, the not knowing is, for me, actually, more scary.

halo, i guess your two rules were what i thought, until, i did that, and t3 kicked me out. so, now i am so unsure of my footing...

BUT....yesterday went well. i sent her an email, one page, telling her my fears, and asking what the rules are. i called and left a message telling her i sent her an email to read possibly, before i got there, and asking her for a longer appt. she called back, extending it thirty minutes, sent me an email with her direct email address and told me she read my email and we would discuss it when i got there.
thanked me for it. told me it was appropriate and a part of my healing.

and, i got there, cried the whole time, she laid out the rules, basically, only a threat to her or her family would end our relationship. that early on, she had to decide if she thought we could work together, and that she did, and that we are OVER THAT HURDLE. and did everything she could to, appropriately, assure me she was not going to carry me so far and dump be out of the blue. she could see how worried i was, from my last experience with t3.

i apologized in the letter for my sarcastic, mean remarks, and in person. at one point she told me she would call this repeated apology, being 'over apologetic'...which introduced a bit of levity. we talked about my fear coming in there. my fear of her judging me as 'bad' and saying to herself under her breathe...'geez, jill, pull it together, you have a fine life, my time should be spent with people with REAL problems'...and she validated me need for therapy. said i was being brave and doing alot for myself uncovering some of this stuff. i told her validation is a big thing for me, that 'borderline features' or, my issues, however you want to phrase it, just seems to me like 'weakness' and seems so intangible...a broken arm seems more real, this seems to be just me being overly sensitive or dramatic. she validated it was real. that THIS is what she is trained to treat. she felt confident she could help me, and really, i think i finally believe her.

she said we had, perhaps her fault, gotten off track in learning skills, and that we would get back on that. she gave me homework, and i think she could see that the direction we had been on lately was not helpful. was not teaching me tools, and that was what i needed.

i think she has 'bought into me' a bit more, and i felt a sincerity i haven't felt before.

a real tear jerker. so full of tears.

i had commented in the letter that i seem to have not done so well with the trauma work...she said that just being here is 'exposure therapy', and she seems a bit more tuned into just how far to push me. i hate to show just how sensitive i am, but, she sees it. it will slow the process a bit i bet, but, what do ya do. i didn't feel safe enough with her to confide what i did, and THAT left me upside down and devastated. all of december. heartsick and afraid.

so, onward.

but, we got alot on the table. she encouraged me to tell her the MOMENT i start to feel vulnerable in there. i told her it is when i feel corrected, that i start to internally 'hide'...i start to spiral inside with fear of abandonment issues. that seemed helpful to her, as i guess she expected my dissociative behaviors were produced from the talk about the trauma, but, it was more about the fear of abandonment due to her 'lack of felt compassion' than the actual talk of the trauma. does that make sense???

anyway, she wants me to write her an email the day before of what is bothering me, to get it off my mind so i can sleep. ((a really sweet and appreciated act!))

she was GREAT!!

i am so relieved!!

thanks all. i feel like we have crossed a hurdle.

jill

Oh Jill,

So happy you had such a positive outcome and your T was really there for you!!! I think it is amazing that you were able to let her know how you were feeling both verbally and in writing. Minimizing your problems and feeling that other people are more worthy of being in therapy is something I struggle with too. I guess when we feel our lives our important too other people respond in kind!!!

((((((HUGS and HOPE)))))))

Liese

quote:

she encouraged me to tell her the MOMENT i start to feel vulnerable in there. i told her it is when i feel corrected, that i start to internally 'hide'...i start to spiral inside with fear of abandonment issues.

Oh my goodness, I could have written this! T is always encouraging me to tell her in the moment, but it is sooooo hard to do because once I feel as if I'm about to get into trouble then all of the danger alarm bells are going off and it's "hide" or be killed. Ya know? I'm sorry you experience this too, but hopefully we will both gradually feel safer to risk bringing it up in the moment.

Can I just say that I am sooooooo proud of you for bringing these things up with your T and doing what you needed to take care of yourself and feel heard!! Yay Jill!!! I'm so glad that you had a good session and that your T was able to validate your fears and concerns. That is wonderful.

Keep up the great work!!

Totally awesome, Jill. Great to read.

xxJ

liese, yes, i told her the validation issue is one that needs addressed daily, the minimization was how i kept my sanity for so long, but, now, 'it' needs to be recognized and explored in therapy, and, hopefully, put to bed.

strm, yes, i have felt the same way...'that i could have written them' with some of your posts...a sister in therapy, for sure. that 'bringing it up in the moment' is going to be new, and already, toward the end of the appt i felt a little 'something' i should have brought up, but, there will be more, and hopefully it will be helpful. my, isn't it interesting, the "power play" there is in therapy...WE feel they have all the power in the room, but actually, WE are the ones with the $$$ paying THEM. so, we need to remember, we are BOTH important to the process. i hate that i feel like such a burden to her...transference to mama, i am sure...

jones, thanks. nice to read good outcomes every now and then, huh?



anyway, the day after, i still feel good, less paranoid, willing to come back, more able to work on skills and less needing the talking part, or, the 'support' side of therapy. i feel like i can stand, can walk in, not need to cry and hold onto mama's leg. y'no??

like going off to kindergarten, i am.

((all the while researching hormone replacement therapy on the internet.... )

jill...both a five year old and a fifty year old, all in one body!!