What are you getting out of your therapy?
What aren't you getting from your therapy that you wish you were?
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I am getting someones undivided attention twice weekly.
I am starting to learn what it is like to be securely attached.
I am learning to trust, if only my therapist.
I am getting comfortable enough to start confronting my past, because my T has shown me that there are options other than suppressing.
I am getting the help and support of a professional who really wants to see me succeed.
I am learning about healthy boundaries, as my T models them for me.
I am not getting enough hugs.
I am starting to learn what it is like to be securely attached.
I am learning to trust, if only my therapist.
I am getting comfortable enough to start confronting my past, because my T has shown me that there are options other than suppressing.
I am getting the help and support of a professional who really wants to see me succeed.
I am learning about healthy boundaries, as my T models them for me.
I am not getting enough hugs.
R2G,
What you wrote about the undivided attention struck a chord with me. I had not even thought about that as something I get from therapy, but when I read that I stopped and thought wow....that really is pretty rare these days, especially with all of the technology and distractions out there. To have someone's undivided attention truly is unique and precious.
And I am sorry you are not getting enough hugs. Here is a big one for you (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((R2G)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((STRM)))
I'm so sorry to hear you just feeling frustration and grief with regard to your therapy. I hope that changes for you soon. I know you want to quit and understandably so, but hopefully T will get it together and start giving you the understanding and support you need, want, and deserve. ((((STRM))))) Sending you lots of hugs!
(((DF))),
I can relate to the "depends on the day" feeling.
Its interesting that you said that you get to practice being vulnerable. The way you have phrased it...it makes it sound like a good thing and I guess it can be...when you are in a safe spot. It sounds like you have that with your T, and it makes me realize that I have that with mine as well. I've noticed myself becoming increasingly more vulnerable and more childlike with her in the past few months and that's not a bad thing at all.
And I TOTALLY agree with you regarding the desire for more direction on how to actually deal with your feelings. My T actually told me to put my feelings back where they were before therapy when we ended a session with me feeling really triggered. I was like, WTF? If I'm just putting them back where they were before therapy and in essence and right back where I started, do I have to pay for this therapy session we just had???
What do you mean you wish you were getting the freedom to not be on meds? Is this a requirement of your therapy? I vaguely recall that someone here had to agree to be on meds to be taken on as a client. Was that you?
What you wrote about the undivided attention struck a chord with me. I had not even thought about that as something I get from therapy, but when I read that I stopped and thought wow....that really is pretty rare these days, especially with all of the technology and distractions out there. To have someone's undivided attention truly is unique and precious.
And I am sorry you are not getting enough hugs. Here is a big one for you (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((R2G)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((STRM)))
I'm so sorry to hear you just feeling frustration and grief with regard to your therapy. I hope that changes for you soon. I know you want to quit and understandably so, but hopefully T will get it together and start giving you the understanding and support you need, want, and deserve. ((((STRM))))) Sending you lots of hugs!
(((DF))),
I can relate to the "depends on the day" feeling.
Its interesting that you said that you get to practice being vulnerable. The way you have phrased it...it makes it sound like a good thing and I guess it can be...when you are in a safe spot. It sounds like you have that with your T, and it makes me realize that I have that with mine as well. I've noticed myself becoming increasingly more vulnerable and more childlike with her in the past few months and that's not a bad thing at all.
And I TOTALLY agree with you regarding the desire for more direction on how to actually deal with your feelings. My T actually told me to put my feelings back where they were before therapy when we ended a session with me feeling really triggered. I was like, WTF? If I'm just putting them back where they were before therapy and in essence and right back where I started, do I have to pay for this therapy session we just had???
What do you mean you wish you were getting the freedom to not be on meds? Is this a requirement of your therapy? I vaguely recall that someone here had to agree to be on meds to be taken on as a client. Was that you?
quote:What are you getting out of your therapy?
Time to think about me.
The benefit of talking to a qualified, caring and unbiased person.
I am getting exhausted and sick of myself.
What aren't you getting from your therapy that you wish you were?
I want her to tell me that she cares, that she will be there, that I can trust her, that she won't leave me.
I want mental peace instead of the war that I have upstairs.
Progress!
quote:Hmmmmmmmm.........A mother
Oh my!!! does that sum it up - regardless of our ages, if she was never there a mother is still who we look for and long for and need soooooooooo much!!
s x 100 to you all!!
SD,
I'm sorry to hear you are getting exhausted and sick of yourself, but I can relate to that feeling. I am sick of hearing myself say the same stuff in therapy over and over again. I am burnt out on myself!
Hope you are able to find that mental peace and end of the war inside you. ((((SD))))
Draggers,
"a place to find and be me"...that's lovely. I think I am getting that too.
I like that you are learning that people are safe. I'm not quite there yet...but hoping to grow in that area as a result of my therapy.
And oh how I do wish she could be my mother too! I totally relate to that feelings.
(((Morgs)))),
I couldn't agree more! I will probably never stop looking for that mother figure to make up for what I missed out on.
I'm sorry to hear you are getting exhausted and sick of yourself, but I can relate to that feeling. I am sick of hearing myself say the same stuff in therapy over and over again. I am burnt out on myself!
Hope you are able to find that mental peace and end of the war inside you. ((((SD))))
Draggers,
"a place to find and be me"...that's lovely. I think I am getting that too.
I like that you are learning that people are safe. I'm not quite there yet...but hoping to grow in that area as a result of my therapy.
And oh how I do wish she could be my mother too! I totally relate to that feelings.
(((Morgs)))),
I couldn't agree more! I will probably never stop looking for that mother figure to make up for what I missed out on.
LG
To answer the part about what I'm getting, I'm going to link to an old post of mine.
What I Learned in therapy
What I'm not getting is the desires of my heart to finally find everything I wanted, needed and deserved from my parents. While I CAN get what I need to heal and go on to live a full life, there are some things that are now impossible to get which is a deep source of grief and loss which only mourning is healing.
And I am not getting to know so much of my therapist which I would like to know because it has to stay about me in order not to re-enact the abuse, something I understand and accept but can still deeply hate and resent.
But taken all together, both the things I am getting and those I am not, I am so very grateful for how healing it has been, even while it has been painful. Great question.
AG
To answer the part about what I'm getting, I'm going to link to an old post of mine.
What I Learned in therapy
What I'm not getting is the desires of my heart to finally find everything I wanted, needed and deserved from my parents. While I CAN get what I need to heal and go on to live a full life, there are some things that are now impossible to get which is a deep source of grief and loss which only mourning is healing.
And I am not getting to know so much of my therapist which I would like to know because it has to stay about me in order not to re-enact the abuse, something I understand and accept but can still deeply hate and resent.
But taken all together, both the things I am getting and those I am not, I am so very grateful for how healing it has been, even while it has been painful. Great question.
AG
What am I getting?
Interaction with a person who is safe and steady and willing to work through any issues (i.e. learning that there is such a thing as safe and close). Slowly discovering that I can have that sort of safety without having to engineer all on my own it or take care of the other person. Learning to receive without panicking about the consequences; having someone choose to be there, to stay, to offer me things that make my life better or easier, without any reason at all, other than he sees I need them. Learning to share myself a little, with my T, safe outside people...and with myself.
What am I not getting?
Um...better? Stability-wise, at least, I seem to have bottomed out, but not really started going back up again. A dad (agree with Draggers there). A consistent schedule, so I can freak out less. Being pushed, told what is expected (yeah, I know, not healthy, but I'd rather he just order me to share than continuing to fail myself). Actually having a sense of feeling connection with other people (especially T) rather than just having to trust them that we're connected. Physical contact (but, that is because I won't ask until I'm sure T is done researching and consulting and figuring out exactly what boundaries he needs to have with me, since I don't want him to suddenly withdraw).
Interaction with a person who is safe and steady and willing to work through any issues (i.e. learning that there is such a thing as safe and close). Slowly discovering that I can have that sort of safety without having to engineer all on my own it or take care of the other person. Learning to receive without panicking about the consequences; having someone choose to be there, to stay, to offer me things that make my life better or easier, without any reason at all, other than he sees I need them. Learning to share myself a little, with my T, safe outside people...and with myself.
What am I not getting?
Um...better? Stability-wise, at least, I seem to have bottomed out, but not really started going back up again. A dad (agree with Draggers there). A consistent schedule, so I can freak out less. Being pushed, told what is expected (yeah, I know, not healthy, but I'd rather he just order me to share than continuing to fail myself). Actually having a sense of feeling connection with other people (especially T) rather than just having to trust them that we're connected. Physical contact (but, that is because I won't ask until I'm sure T is done researching and consulting and figuring out exactly what boundaries he needs to have with me, since I don't want him to suddenly withdraw).
This is a lovely question. 
I'm getting some attention from a person who doesn't interrupt me when I talk. I can talk about anything I want and this is a relief to me. Also I feel very 'connected' to her because she accepts the whole of me I guess. I don't want to be challenged on anything I say, just listened to. That might seem very one sided, but then, I have been challenged with my views all my life, and 'wronged'. I also think she's dam pretty but its transference, innit.
What I'm not getting out of it? Well its been 5 weeks now, so I'm yet to see. What I didn't like was that when I was talking, she, for a moment, looked out the window. If only for a moment. But it made me irritated inside. I wanted to say to her 'Er, excuse me? Are you listening or not? Or should I just shut up because you obviously disapprove of what I say'. For the rest of that session it played on my mind, and in fact, it still does a bit. Thinking back to it makes me feel irate again. To me its ignorance. When I get upset like that, I suppress just to make people happy but really I think 'Well to hell with you then. Your not worth my time!'. I am very quick to wipe my plate clean of that person if they don't maintain eye contact with me when I'm speaking. I also feel unworthy of an opinion and I beat myself up a bit. I tell myself to be quiet.
I'm getting some attention from a person who doesn't interrupt me when I talk. I can talk about anything I want and this is a relief to me. Also I feel very 'connected' to her because she accepts the whole of me I guess. I don't want to be challenged on anything I say, just listened to. That might seem very one sided, but then, I have been challenged with my views all my life, and 'wronged'. I also think she's dam pretty but its transference, innit.
What I'm not getting out of it? Well its been 5 weeks now, so I'm yet to see. What I didn't like was that when I was talking, she, for a moment, looked out the window. If only for a moment. But it made me irritated inside. I wanted to say to her 'Er, excuse me? Are you listening or not? Or should I just shut up because you obviously disapprove of what I say'. For the rest of that session it played on my mind, and in fact, it still does a bit. Thinking back to it makes me feel irate again. To me its ignorance. When I get upset like that, I suppress just to make people happy but really I think 'Well to hell with you then. Your not worth my time!'. I am very quick to wipe my plate clean of that person if they don't maintain eye contact with me when I'm speaking. I also feel unworthy of an opinion and I beat myself up a bit. I tell myself to be quiet.
Nada, is it possible she was distracted by something going on outside? Like a bird flying by or something flapping around in the wind?
Hi LadyGrey,
I forgot to mention that she did kindly explain why she did it. I think it was a way for her to see how I'd react or something.
I can't quite remember now. But she explained politely enough for me to not get too irate. It still played on my mind for a session or two after that but I think I'm good really.
Just very sensitive! Ha.
I forgot to mention that she did kindly explain why she did it.
I think it was a way for her to see how I'd react or something.I can't quite remember now. But she explained politely enough for me to not get too irate. It still played on my mind for a session or two after that but I think I'm good really.
Just very sensitive! Ha.
I am getting to pay someone to fight with and I am not getting any better that I can tell.
I'm getting:
A kind, empathic, informed, intelligent and caring listener for one hour a week, plus the option of calling during the week if I get too activated.
I'm not getting:
Answers to questions about all the things that trouble and confuse me. I guess Ts are more about helping you face life than helping you figure it out. Ah well. It would be so cool if she had all the answers to all the difficult questions, but she doesn't.
A kind, empathic, informed, intelligent and caring listener for one hour a week, plus the option of calling during the week if I get too activated.
I'm not getting:
Answers to questions about all the things that trouble and confuse me. I guess Ts are more about helping you face life than helping you figure it out. Ah well. It would be so cool if she had all the answers to all the difficult questions, but she doesn't.
[QUOTE]Originally posted by LadyGrey:
My T actually told me to put my feelings back where they were before therapy when we ended a session with me feeling really triggered. I was like, WTF? If I'm just putting them back where they were before therapy and in essence and right back where I started, do I have to pay for this therapy session we just had???
Hi LadyGrey, Something happened today in my session that I thought might be helpful with regard to what you mentioned. I had a pretty difficult, activiating session and my T new it. He told me he knew that I was in my emotional mind and he told me to go back to my rational mind. Once he identified for me that I was in my emo mind, it really helped. Maybe it will help you to "put them back."
My T actually told me to put my feelings back where they were before therapy when we ended a session with me feeling really triggered. I was like, WTF? If I'm just putting them back where they were before therapy and in essence and right back where I started, do I have to pay for this therapy session we just had???
Hi LadyGrey, Something happened today in my session that I thought might be helpful with regard to what you mentioned. I had a pretty difficult, activiating session and my T new it. He told me he knew that I was in my emotional mind and he told me to go back to my rational mind. Once he identified for me that I was in my emo mind, it really helped. Maybe it will help you to "put them back."
IN a long post session email to my T I put on paper things that I was afraid to say about what I want to get out of therapy and what I want from him. I used some of the words that some of you had already used. Why change it when it already works? Here are my thoughts:
What I Learned/Am Learning from Therapy
1. I'm learning that I am not the person I was always afraid I was.
2. I learned that even though it looked like abandonment and felt like abandonment, you did not abandon me.
3. I'm learning that there are things I can do calm my emotions and that emotional disregulation does not have to be my norm.
4. I'm learning that my feelings are usually not a good indicator of reality.
5. I learned to use a thought shield and it's helpful.
6. I am learning that I have value and worth- just because I am a child of God.
7. I am starting to take in some of the good.
8. I've noticed that sometimes I'm unwilling to give up the pain and to use my skills because I feel like I have to hold on to the pain until it's recognized.
What I've Gotten/Am Getting from Therapy
1. I am getting a kind, warm, intelligent, attuned, interesting, caring, gentle, adorable, deeply blue-eyed, filled-with-the-Spirit, listener for 45 minutes a week, plus a mid-week connection.
2. I am getting instruction and practice on how to look to my Heavenly Father and Christ for comfort, strength and courage and not just ways of the world.
3. I am getting the chance to have spiritually meaningful discussions with a member of the priesthood.
4. I'm getting small glimpses into your life, your interests, your loves, your humor, your experience as a parent and those glimpses bring you back down to earth for me.
5. I am developing a willingness to see the woman that you say I really am and sometimes I believe it.
6. I am beginning to see that what I can give to others is valuable and important.
7. I am getting the experience that I'm okay with you and that if I wasn't your client, I might just be a person you would want in your real life.
What I Need/Want from Therapy
1. I need to know on a very deep level that I am loved. I do not know that. I know I'm loved-- but...there is always a but... I'm not loved enough for it to be full and complete.
2. I want a place to be heard for the pain and hurt that was over looked when I was young. I need validation of my feelings, of the truth and what it means about who I really am.
3. I want to find peace for the tiny, insignificant, silently screaming little girl and adolescent who never had her emotional needs met, who was rejected, passed over, belittled, embarrassed, accused, violated, prematurely sexualized, labeled, hurt and more. I need to separate my past from the real me. I need to know that the person I have always been afraid I was or believed I was is not me.
4. I need to reconcile the guilt and embarrassment I have for things that I did even if they are a result of childhood trauma.
5. I want to know why my needs were not met. Did I already need too much from people at that time?
6. I want to resolve the confusion associated with being sexually abused. I know I put an end to it but it has kept a thick blanket of shame over my entire life that has clouded almost every relationship and my relationship to myself.I need to sort out the confusion about what happened to me. I can't let go the self-blame.
7. I need to stop going back to the abuse so it will stop hurting me. I have to be willing to let go of it.
8. I want to do whatever I have to do to deal with my past so that I can stop thinking about it.
9. I don't want to look at boundaries personally or as me not being special enough or loved enough for them to be stretched or broken.
10. I want mental/emotional peace.
11. I want to learn how to stay with my feelings and express them through the confusion- not enter the twilight zone and go blank.
12. I don’t want fear of my feelings to overwhelm me to the point that I cannot experience them and let them go.
13. I want to believe that I wasn’t responsible for the abuse and I didn't deserve any of it.
14. I need to figure out what can be healed and what can only be mourned so that I can do what I need to move on.
15. I want to be able to safely express what I want even if I can't have it.
16. I want to obliterate the source of my transference.
17. I want to believe that you do not consider me to be one of those clients you told me about who you do not respond to (outside of sessions) in an effort not to not buy in to their histrionics
18. Even without a crystal ball, I want to trust you, not to fear you. I don't want to doubt your ability or inclination to stay around if the going gets tough. I think I'm almost there.
19. I want to learn to have healthy boundaries but still be able to feel your caring.
20. I want to one day earn your trust and to believe that you can feel safe with me.
21. I want to get to know enough about you so that I can keep you with me with when I am no longer in therapy.
22. I would like a sense of feeling a connection with you rather than just having to try to trust that we're connected.
23. I need to know why I have feelings for you that make it seem like only you can help me.
24. I want to know how to be myself and not push you or others away.
25. I want to contribute something to your life that you will always know came from me
26. I believe that you accept the whole of me.
I want you to know that:
1. I'm am sick of myself.
2. I believe you've seen me at my worst and that you've forgiven me and yourself (for your reaction formation)
3. I believe that you will be here for me even knowing that I might need an extra moment of your time in order for me to hold onto your presence internally so that I will need you in real life less and less.
4. I hope you understand that just because I'm practicing DBT and working very hard to change my behavior does not mean that at times I won't need to be emotionally "held." Right now you are the only person that might be able to do that.
6. Sometimes I worry about getting in the middle between you and (female T colleague he referred me to for a while)and subconsciously "instigating." I had similar feelings when I was working with her. I believe these worries are rooted in "the person I was afraid I was." I want you to know that when I reached out to her last week, it was for support and no other reason.
7. I want you to know that even though I realize that our relationship is a business relationship and even though I have become more regulated and less frantic about our relationship, that I am still scared to death of feeling too much for you.
8. I am wishful that there will be some exception to the rule and that we can maintain some type of relationship when therapy is over. That's scares me.
9. I am still scared for the time where you won't be in my life.
10. I worry that my honesty today will influence you in the future to stay away from me.
I hope and want to believe
1. There is nothing inherently wrong with me, I just didn’t get what I needed and endured things I shouldn’t have had to.
2. That I am loveable and deserve to have more than just the crumbs.
3. That one day I'll have real, reciprocal, healthy relationships with people that possess the qualities that I so clearly identified with in you and several others before you.
What I Learned/Am Learning from Therapy
1. I'm learning that I am not the person I was always afraid I was.
2. I learned that even though it looked like abandonment and felt like abandonment, you did not abandon me.
3. I'm learning that there are things I can do calm my emotions and that emotional disregulation does not have to be my norm.
4. I'm learning that my feelings are usually not a good indicator of reality.
5. I learned to use a thought shield and it's helpful.
6. I am learning that I have value and worth- just because I am a child of God.
7. I am starting to take in some of the good.
8. I've noticed that sometimes I'm unwilling to give up the pain and to use my skills because I feel like I have to hold on to the pain until it's recognized.
What I've Gotten/Am Getting from Therapy
1. I am getting a kind, warm, intelligent, attuned, interesting, caring, gentle, adorable, deeply blue-eyed, filled-with-the-Spirit, listener for 45 minutes a week, plus a mid-week connection.
2. I am getting instruction and practice on how to look to my Heavenly Father and Christ for comfort, strength and courage and not just ways of the world.
3. I am getting the chance to have spiritually meaningful discussions with a member of the priesthood.
4. I'm getting small glimpses into your life, your interests, your loves, your humor, your experience as a parent and those glimpses bring you back down to earth for me.
5. I am developing a willingness to see the woman that you say I really am and sometimes I believe it.
6. I am beginning to see that what I can give to others is valuable and important.
7. I am getting the experience that I'm okay with you and that if I wasn't your client, I might just be a person you would want in your real life.
What I Need/Want from Therapy
1. I need to know on a very deep level that I am loved. I do not know that. I know I'm loved-- but...there is always a but... I'm not loved enough for it to be full and complete.
2. I want a place to be heard for the pain and hurt that was over looked when I was young. I need validation of my feelings, of the truth and what it means about who I really am.
3. I want to find peace for the tiny, insignificant, silently screaming little girl and adolescent who never had her emotional needs met, who was rejected, passed over, belittled, embarrassed, accused, violated, prematurely sexualized, labeled, hurt and more. I need to separate my past from the real me. I need to know that the person I have always been afraid I was or believed I was is not me.
4. I need to reconcile the guilt and embarrassment I have for things that I did even if they are a result of childhood trauma.
5. I want to know why my needs were not met. Did I already need too much from people at that time?
6. I want to resolve the confusion associated with being sexually abused. I know I put an end to it but it has kept a thick blanket of shame over my entire life that has clouded almost every relationship and my relationship to myself.I need to sort out the confusion about what happened to me. I can't let go the self-blame.
7. I need to stop going back to the abuse so it will stop hurting me. I have to be willing to let go of it.
8. I want to do whatever I have to do to deal with my past so that I can stop thinking about it.
9. I don't want to look at boundaries personally or as me not being special enough or loved enough for them to be stretched or broken.
10. I want mental/emotional peace.
11. I want to learn how to stay with my feelings and express them through the confusion- not enter the twilight zone and go blank.
12. I don’t want fear of my feelings to overwhelm me to the point that I cannot experience them and let them go.
13. I want to believe that I wasn’t responsible for the abuse and I didn't deserve any of it.
14. I need to figure out what can be healed and what can only be mourned so that I can do what I need to move on.
15. I want to be able to safely express what I want even if I can't have it.
16. I want to obliterate the source of my transference.
17. I want to believe that you do not consider me to be one of those clients you told me about who you do not respond to (outside of sessions) in an effort not to not buy in to their histrionics
18. Even without a crystal ball, I want to trust you, not to fear you. I don't want to doubt your ability or inclination to stay around if the going gets tough. I think I'm almost there.
19. I want to learn to have healthy boundaries but still be able to feel your caring.
20. I want to one day earn your trust and to believe that you can feel safe with me.
21. I want to get to know enough about you so that I can keep you with me with when I am no longer in therapy.
22. I would like a sense of feeling a connection with you rather than just having to try to trust that we're connected.
23. I need to know why I have feelings for you that make it seem like only you can help me.
24. I want to know how to be myself and not push you or others away.
25. I want to contribute something to your life that you will always know came from me
26. I believe that you accept the whole of me.
I want you to know that:
1. I'm am sick of myself.
2. I believe you've seen me at my worst and that you've forgiven me and yourself (for your reaction formation)
3. I believe that you will be here for me even knowing that I might need an extra moment of your time in order for me to hold onto your presence internally so that I will need you in real life less and less.
4. I hope you understand that just because I'm practicing DBT and working very hard to change my behavior does not mean that at times I won't need to be emotionally "held." Right now you are the only person that might be able to do that.
6. Sometimes I worry about getting in the middle between you and (female T colleague he referred me to for a while)and subconsciously "instigating." I had similar feelings when I was working with her. I believe these worries are rooted in "the person I was afraid I was." I want you to know that when I reached out to her last week, it was for support and no other reason.
7. I want you to know that even though I realize that our relationship is a business relationship and even though I have become more regulated and less frantic about our relationship, that I am still scared to death of feeling too much for you.
8. I am wishful that there will be some exception to the rule and that we can maintain some type of relationship when therapy is over. That's scares me.
9. I am still scared for the time where you won't be in my life.
10. I worry that my honesty today will influence you in the future to stay away from me.
I hope and want to believe
1. There is nothing inherently wrong with me, I just didn’t get what I needed and endured things I shouldn’t have had to.
2. That I am loveable and deserve to have more than just the crumbs.
3. That one day I'll have real, reciprocal, healthy relationships with people that possess the qualities that I so clearly identified with in you and several others before you.