Hi Jillann,
Sorry for the flyby but I am swamped at work. I have also struggled with all those feelings. So much so I wrote a blog post on it. I'm hoping this might help: Learning Developmental Skills: Identifying and Expressing Needs

AG

I have some great stuff written down from doing this activity with my T - she even helped by writing out an index card for me with my values that I have taped up to see regularly. I hear so much of my own experience in your words - I'm not home right now but will write that out for you. I just wanted to lend my support ahead of time.

WOW, this topic is so relevant to me too and is something T. and I have been working on. I can't for the life of me ask for something I need. It is too, too risky. I'm at work so can't write too much now, but I'll come back.

One more thing, I can't distinguish the difference between want and need.

Thank you everyone for your replies. It always helps me to see that I am not alone in my struggles.

AG your blog post was awesome. I had read it before but reread it again. I am perhaps a little more able to forgive myself when I think that I am just a child in this area of my life. I need to learn and grow. I tend to just default to "I am so stupid" I should never ask for anything.

Dear Draggers - I do so understand the desire not to burden our children with meeting our needs. I had to meet many of my mothers needs too and I don't want that for mine. There was a time in my life when I was totally alone. No family around no husband no children. It was a very lonely existence. I do hope you can find some close friends to fill in your life a bit. Sometimes those are better than family because you get to choose them. And know that we are here for you as much as possible in cyber space. Thank you for helping me not feel so alone.

Sweet SP. Yes I'm not too high on the insurance company right now. I oscillate between "I'll show them what anorexia can really do" to "They will never allow you the care you think you need you just have to pull yourself up and do it yourself" I have been married to DH for almost 19 years now. Neither of us are very emotional people and neither of us really express our needs to each other. I suppose that is why it has worked ok for so long. I'm just finding now as the kids are getting older my life is beginning to change. What I was content with before maybe I want more now. Maybe I want more intimacy. It is terrifying but if I don't take the risk of vulnerability I may miss out on a truly meaningful relationship. I don't know. It is so scary to think of change in such a long term relationship. What will he think or do?

Cat I would love to see you stuff on this. You and I have so much in common. Someday we need to really meet IRL.

RM what a really good point the difference between a want and need. I think a lot of what I would classify as needs are really just wants. But if you never get any of your wants met is that not just as sad as not ever getting your needs met?

I emailed my T about this last week and we will talk about it this week. I'll update after our talk Tuesday.

Jillann

I think, me, Cat and Jillann have a lot in common IRL. At least once difference though... I still can't "talk" much here, but wished I could.