Oh PJ, good thread. I drove by my T's house at breakneck speed and I knew he wasn't even home. I am too chicken to google. I'm trying hard to be more upfront with him about the things I want to know about him and ask him directly - like I would in a "normal" relationship where curiosity about the other is more the norm.

Hi PeeJay,
I have looked up T's address on the internet and have driven past, just curiosity to see what kind of place she is living in!
No I would not go there, but I like to know where she is when she' not working.

Thanks for sharing guys!

I forgot to mention that I also did a court search on T, telling myself it was to see if T was in a lawsuit, and I found that T has submitted documents in other people's custody and domestic violence cases. (You can't read the documents but only see that there is a document.)

More food for thought: Say you wanted to join a bowling league, or some other extra-curricular activity, and you had a choice of two equally good options. Also, say your T was in one of the two leagues.

Would you choose the one with T or the one without T? What if you were terminating, or your T was ushering you out of the nest, and you wanted to maintain that long-term connection?

I think I'd join the league with T and then come to regret it. How's that for foresight?

I'm also picturing a cartoon with all the T's houses being the most driven by. LOL!

Also, can you believe they made a movie about this? (What About Bob: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103241/)

I've searched on T online, but the first time I did that, he was my H's T and not mine. Since then, sometimes I'll go to his page to see his photo, but I don't really consider either of those boundary crossings.

My T lives way too far away for me to drive by his house, and I don't think I ever would, but I can't be sure, given the lack of opportunity. I know I could probably get access to stuff I shouldn't, but I've very protective of his boundaries (e.g. his phone has broken down during a session a couple of times and I offered him mine when he needed to get a hold of a family member and I immediately deleted the messages/history while trying to notice as little of it as possible. Even his notes on my session, I will not look at while he is out of the room if he has left them visible. I would only look at them together with him (I have peaked over and teased him while he is checking boxes).

I think I am aggressively and unnecessarily protective of his boundaries, because I'm used to being around people who can't manage their own...? I guess I also feel like I'm protecting him from me, and not having a good idea what good boundaries even are, I've erred on the hypervigilant side of things. He's told me he can look after himself, but also that he appreciates my integrity. Guess I ought to try to learn that it's safe to be human with him, huh? I sometimes wish I had the guts to push a little more through that stuff...

RT, do you live in a small town?

quote:

I don't feel like I violated a boundary with this. And I was up-front and honest about it to start with.

RT - I agree. I don't think that's crossing a boundary, either. Good on you for being up front about it too! And it is prudent to look up a T, which is why I did it when H started seeing him, just to see kind of what he was about. I haven't told T I looked him up, but being as all I looked at were his official pages and to see if there were any ratings of him, there's not much for me to really tell him other than, "I'd like to fix that bio for you, it has some typos and grammatical errors that are driving me crazy!"

Yeah that's kind of small. I live in a city with the population of about 300 thousand.

Edit: Actually closer to 400,000. 380,000 to be exact.

Um...fascinating thread!
I was just thinking of this tonight as I saw former T at her clinic while taking one of my kiddos for an appointment with a different therapist.
Let's see...with former T....I've driven past her old house several times over a year or two ago. She just moved to a new house in September, I think. I've been sooo good! I haven't driven past her new house. Although, I Google mapped it and it is closer to my place, so it's incredibly tempting! I've done court searches on her, know what types of cars she drives (because I saw her getting into her cars a few times), and I've seen all of her stuff on Facebook that she shares rather openly. I feel like that's how I keep my attachment to her. I'll look at a photo of her and I remember our good sessions or something positive. Sometimes I either burst into tears from missing her or I feel really happy that she came into my life and that we had an opportunity to share and learn and grow from each other.
A few weeks ago I left a message on her voice mail thanking her for something. I've also kept the two voice mails that she left me over the last year. It's nice to just hear her voice.

When I saw her tonight, I longed to be with her in her office. Then again, I felt like I was getting the cold shoulder and feeling rejected. I'm sure that was just my odd perspective though.
Anyway, about her FB page...I've seen her pics of her, her pets, and one of her kids. She used to have a boyfriend a year and a half ago that sounded pretty serious for a while, but then she started telling him what to do over on his FB page. I watched some of this drama unfold on her FB page. I also looked up articles written by her boyfriend (as he is a published T and runs his own business). Then, I ran into T in the real world and I had the feeling that she broke up with him or something wasn't going right. I had a dream about them breaking up and a couple of weeks later they did because her relationship status changed. I felt so sad for her. I had just broken up with a boyfriend around the same time. We started dating our boyfriends around the same time also. Strange!

The other thing is T was so open with me about some things...it's almost as if she wanted me to cross boundaries. She let me know where she hangs out around town and approximately when, so if I ran into her we could chit chat (nothing more). She did make it very clear that she would not be going out to supper with me or anything like that. I also have her cell #, but I only have used it 3 times in the last 3 years.
We terminated our therapy relationship this past fall. It was kind of a mutual decision and insurance related. We had talked about me possibly taking an internship at her office in a few years (she would not supervise me, but more than likely still work there). The more I think about it now though, the more I wonder if that would really work. It would be a dream come true to see my former T in her clinic in passing while I was working there (for free).
Oh..my city is not too small, but definitely not large either...approx. 63,000 people.

ok...that's my story....

I'm interested to find out about everyone else's boundary crossings!

This is an issue I have struggled with for sometime now. I did drive by my T's house early in our relationship but I haven't done that in over a year. But I regularly view her Facebook page. I am sure she doesn't realize her posts are public as they used to not be and only became public when FB switched to Timeline format. She had previously told me that she wouldn't even do Linked In with clients. But I also feel like it is her responsibility to ensure her information is not out there. She has many pictures including of her wedding, her honeymoon, trips she has taken, etc. She posts on it nearly everyday and I look forward to reading her posts. I have not told her about this and I am steeling myself for the day I either tell her or one of her other clients tells her. But then I won't have that window into her life. I feel addicted to her FB page because I want to believe that we would be friends if not in therapy. I am not happy with my conduct here but I have eliminated so many old coping skills that were destructive so this will be my last vice to handle.

My T has always worked from home but moved houses last year. The house he used to work from is for sale and I'm tempted to attend the inspection but feel like it would violate a boundary. Think I've accidentally seen his bedroom in his current home (walked past on way to bathroom once).

Facebook is a wealth of information. My T's kids make all their stuff public and I can see T's comments. She is so encouraging of her mostly grown kids and I like seeing their interactions. My last T was divorced and I looked up that her ex remarried. I never admitted to knowing about the prior marriage.

I also learned my T had a different political affiliation than me so I made sure not to make political comments. I do feel kind of guilty but a T's Facebook activities is addictive! I checked it five times a day at one point to self soothe.

Like RT I live in a small town (17,000). I go past old T's house every and often see his wife and daughter. I also go to the same yoga class as his wife.


Current T lives in the neighbouring town 20 minutes away, so I am not likely to see her.

I have been applying for jobs in nursery schools and she suggested I try in her town. There is only one there and her daughter goes there.
I actually got a job yesterday in a local school,so it won't happen, but she obviously did not mind the possibility of me working with her daughter.

quote:

Originally posted by Starlight:
I also go to the same yoga class as his wife.

Wow!

How do you navigate sharing a yoga class with her? Do you two talk? Does she know you are a former patient of her husband?

Do you make small talk? What if she asked you to lunch?

I'm sorry I didn't directly respond to everyone sharing...I've been working a lot. I love all of your responses. I do too much Internet searching on my own of my T's life and my ex-T's life. sheesh

Yes. Very interesting thread. My town has 1800 people & my old T was in a small town 10 min away of only 1500. In between us in a town of 45,000 so there r other people. Yes wanted to see where he lived but did that w/ every T I've seen. Basically wanting to know where my $ goes. Did the FB things & his older child posts stuff...nothing really interesting.
Biggest problem is old T is on a local govt type board so on the Internet his name shows up a lot & he's very opinionated on that board. My H & I used to occasionally go to these meetings when issues got big. There's been another issue brewing & my H has been going to these mtgs. He's even interacted w/ him several times but that was b4 I had him in T. Now I wouldn't dream of trying to go to any of those mtgs incase I'd see him. I don't think I could make eye contact. I left on very bad terms. I hope I never bump into him at the grocery store or anything. I'd be frazzled for a wk!
One time I really crossed the line w/ an old T & I was in my late 20's soooooo not as wise as now. This T was brand spanking new to his profession & the area. He stayed for 1 yr & decided to leave town. I was a bit prickly w/ him so on our last appt I made him a one off piece of pottery. 1st gift I'd ever given a T or Pd in that area.
He was overwhelmingly surprised & impressed but in the end gave it back & said he couldn't take gifts from patients. That cut me to the quick bec I thought it was a comment about my work so on the was out I took the piece out of the box & threw it against his door & smashed the shit out of it. Then I ran. Yeah got scared. I think that was a bit over the top but I've never given anyone in that field a gift since. Geez I was weird

Wow RT I don't know whether to feel better or worse. Lol. Like I said I was young like 26 & he was young too. He made the mistake of telling me he hadn't been in practice for a very long time. When I asked how long he's had actual clients it was only 1-2 yrs.
he tried to b very helpful & I kno his heart was in the right place. I used to ask for sleeping pills from him. My 1st big S attempt was w/ these pills. The first time he saw me in the hospital he barged in & started yelling @ me & then asked what I took & I said " all the sleeping pills YOU perscribed to me!" That stopped him in his tracks & i saw his face fall. Then I knew I lost him & any trust we had. I trashed that relationship & always felt bad about it.
Have to say I did learn a lot from that Pdoc though.
Thanks
Muddtastic

Hi PeeJay,
I felt awkward at first, but we just smile and say hello. She does know I was his patient because she is a nurse in the same health centre and has seen me waiting outside his room. But it is a small town so everyone knows someone whereever you are. it is nice now because I still see old T occasionally and I think it means he can't forget me!

i'm not sure if these are actual boundary violations (from her point of view) but maybe i worry that they were:

- the first time i emailed her, she had never given me her email address nor the subject of emailing her ever came up, but i just felt so desperate to be heard about something, so i found her email address on the therapist association she belongs to, and emailed her. (she seemed ok about it, never really said anything about how i got the email, but addressed what was in the email briefly and said we cant talk about it in session)

- i accidentally touched her hand when giving her my payment. it's happened twice now and i feel bad about it, feel like maybe it wasnt an accident (a part of me wanted to do it, but i'm not sure i dont think it was conscious, sometimes i feel unsteady on my feet when i leave and like i'm in a cloud) and i worry that she was repulsed by it and felt like it was a violation... (too chicken to ask her)

puppet

I have thought for a while about whether or not to share this...I have crossed many boundaries but the day my anxiety sent me over the top was when I was so worried about what the Therapist was writing in the file...I took a page out of the file...

Not one of my best moments, for sure.

I kept it for a couple of weeks...but I felt awful for doing such a thing. I told him about it...I honestly felt I couldn't progress by having done such a thing.

He had not written anything mean or terrible. He asked me why I told him because he stated he would have never known. I told him I wouldn't consider anything I told him as truth if I kept this hidden from him.

Like I said, not one of my better moments.

Thank you Red Tomato I appreciate your kind words. I can tell you, I felt I had no integrity when I realized what I had done.

Thank you so much T.

I am not sure how much crossing was involved, but I feel guilty about both cases. I am very afraid of accidentally crossing a boundary I get suspicious of everything I do.
I checked her website twice: before first meeting her, to know if there was a chance that we could "work" together, and later because I could not understand the acronyms about her formation, but I felt extremely bad doing so, so I did not even go further than looking for the website on Google, so I still don't know. But I was more suspicious of my intent than the actual research (was I really looking for the informations or was it just a way to cross a boundary without admitting it?)

Interesting subject!

I would rather gnaw off my own leg than cross a boundary. So I'm overly cautious, ask if things are okay 1000 times, I don't take risks.

The only time I did cross a boundary was using my T's own experience that she disclosed as an example to explain something that after 5 attempts she still wasn't getting. I'm a teacher at heart, I go with what I think people can understand. It was way over the edge for her, she was still confused, and told me not to bring up anything she says about her own stuff ever again. It wasn't even "stuff" it was a healing experience she had... anyway, that crossed an invisible boundary. People usually understand well with examples they can relate to which is why I used it after so many failed attempts. In the end, she proved to be a very incompetent T who could not keep her stuff out of my therapy.

That's pretty much it, I'm always waiting for something to explode. I feel like I'm crossing the boundaries of society by breathing sometimes. Thank you all for so bravely sharing you stuff!

My T and I have probably crossed alot of lines. I believe the lines are a bit bendable in some cases.