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What could I have done differently?

L lieseMember
Hi everybody. Happy New Year. Not my favorite holiday but it's all around us. Can't get away.

I had a session today. I had a rough weekend. Lots of stress with work. And then yesterday I got obsesses with T. Obsessed with wanting to know more about him. I tried searching the internet but very little comes up.

It started with an email I sent him yesterday about the results from a dissociation test I took. I was excited about it but after I sent the email, I thought, "Oh, it's Sunday and he probably doesn't want to think about this stuff as much as I do. He is probably watching the football game like my H."

Then I started to wonder who he was watching the football game with and I got myself into this awful place. I realized it was unhealthy and I had to get myself out of it. So I took myself out shopping. It helped though then I had a different kind of guilt.

Then I felt awful about myself. Like I was the biggest criminal in the world. And I thought that normal people would just ask the other the kinds of things I want to know or they would just come out in the normal course of conversation. So, I thought about that. Why not ask T what I want to know. He's not big on disclosure but what the heck. He might feel okay answering my questions.



I haven't googled him often but can really never turn anything up when I do. I've never told him that I have done it. He probably figures people are curious. Today, I tried to tell him just how I got stuck on where he was yesterday and how awful I felt. He was empathic but that was kind of the end of it. And then he talked about some positive things I had said.

I left my session feeling really sad. I had wanted to just be sad with him. It felt like he was trying to steer me away from the sadness. I know the ultimate goal is to build up the good feelings but I just wanted to feel these awful feelings with him and NOT run away from them for once. Not be ashamed for being a human being and wanting to know more about him.

I sent an email afterwards asking if it was okay that I was sad or if he was uncomfortable with what I was saying. I always find it's harder to work through things when my feelings involve him. It's harder for me and harder for him. Harder in general for both of us. Of course, he wrote back some nice stuff but my question is,

Really, is there anything else I could have done differently in therapy today to share those feelings with him? I keep blaming it on him, that he's not asking the right questions to open me up but maybe the problem is me. Any thoughts?

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far. I know this is long. I didn't expect to write so much.
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summersummerMember
quote:
I always find it's harder to work through things when my feelings involve him. It's harder for me and harder for him.


Hi Liese,

I wish I had some great advice, but I only have empathy because I'm struggling with something similar. I think you did the right thing by sharing the feelings of sadness. Maybe he was trying to steer you away from those feelings because he felt uncomfortable about possible self-disclosures?

Or maybe he's like my P who doesn't seem to like to talk about my feelings for him if they are leaning towards the negative, such as sadness, distress or anxiety. If I talk about positive feelings such as attachment, he's perfectly fine and reassuring.

Recently we've had problems because I've been distressed about a problem that has arisen in our relationship due to a question I asked him. He's always said that I can ask him anything, and this wasn't highly personal, but after he answered the question, he began to treat me differently, which stirred up all sorts of distressing feelings within me.

His response to those feelings was that I am hypersensitive to what he says, and that I overreact which creates unnecessary worry and apprehension.

Like you, I felt as if I was doing the right thing in trying to share my feelings with him, but I almost quit on the spot when it felt as if we had reached an impasse.

It is confusing when we are told that it's safe to express any feelings, which my P has told me, but then it doesn't feel so safe, or we're left feeling as if our therapists aren't receptive to those feelings. Validation is often all that we need.

Has he had problems in the past when you have expressed any sadness related to your relationship with him?

Summer
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
I had wanted to just be sad with him. It felt like he was trying to steer me away from the sadness.


Hi Liese... this part resonated with me. I think, that despite how far your T has come in relating to you on a psychodynamic/attachment level, he is still basically CBT oriented and I would guess that is where this steering away originates. You did not do anything wrong and were just being honest and authentic with him. He still may have some discomfort in discussing those types of feelings because he does not want to make a wrong step and hurt you.

If it makes you feel any less lonely in the search for info... I have searched high and low for any info on my T and he has NO internet presence at all apart from office address/phone etc. There are NO pictures at all and the only reason I have a picture of him is because I asked to take it on my cell phone when I was going to Italy two summers ago and would be missing a bunch of sessions. I could tell he was not comfortable with the idea but he allowed it.

I wanted to contact T the other night because the weekend was difficult and then fell into ruminating like you did. I kept wondering what he was doing and how different his life is than mine and how he can just jet off for weekends and how could he possibly relate to my issues, etc. I ended up severing the attachment when I needed it most.

I have no answers but you are not alone. The best we can do it to keep trying to talk about it.

TN
summersummerMember
Hi Liese,

I agree with Monte about self disclosures. Sometimes knowing a great deal about their personal lives doesn't ease pain. Even though I know many details about my P's life, it doesn't provide the answers that I most desire,which would be how he truly feels about me and our relationship.

I realize that he has to keep boundaries and he does say that he cares, likes me and that I "matter" to him, but that's probably all I'll ever know. Sometimes that seems like such a generic response, one that he would say to every client.

Summer
L lieseMember
((((SUMMER)))

quote:
He's always said that I can ask him anything, and this wasn't highly personal, but after he answered the question, he began to treat me differently, which stirred up all sorts of distressing feelings within me.

His response to those feelings was that I am hypersensitive to what he says, and that I overreact which creates unnecessary worry and apprehension.



I'm sorry that you know how this feels. When being angry or feeling sensitive or moving away from someone always threatened the relationship or seemed to threaten relationships in the past, it's hard to move away from people now. Thanks for being so understanding about how difficult this is.

(((TN)))

My guess is you are right about my T. It seems to me that he always glosses over emotions. It's so hard to say, really. Thanks for being supportive. Yes, that's what I do. I sever the connection right when I need it the most.

(((MONTE)))

quote:
I think it's just one of those things that will keep rearing it's head until it gets the air time it needs and deserves. Sometimes it takes THEM a while to get it right too.


Yes, I think you are right about that.

I have been struggling all day. I had a couple of email exchanges with T but everything he said only triggered me more. It was one of those times when we had to end the conversation because it was only making things worse.

TN, you made me laugh when you said that you imagine your T jetting off all the time. My T actually said that to me yesterday after my session, that it's not like he's jetting off to some wonderful place.

I've just been trying to sit with the feelings and get comfortable with them instead of escaping from them and instead of feeling abandoned by T. That things are what they are. It just sucks because I decided to be open with him about how I was feeling and feel like I shot myself in the foot. Frowner

FWIW, I've started to see a trauma T on the side as an adjunct. She told me that trauma therapists need to be transparent when I told her about some problems my T and I were having over non-disclosure re: his vacation. I was struggling with my bday and talked to her about that. She shared something with me about her bday, when she turned 50. It really did have the effect of making me feel like she got me and she wasn't above me or better than me. Yes, she struggles with these things too.

But, Monte, I do get your point about how knowing might hurt too or hurt in its own way. I blocked out that he had other people in his life for a long time and feel like the only way to have a close therapeutic relationship with him now is to come to terms with the people in his life. I don't know if that makes sense. It's very hard to say to myself, "oops, now it's New Years and I'm not supposed to care where my T is, what he is doing, or who he is with and so I'm going to shut my eyes to that little inconsistency there. Come January 2nd, everything will be restored to the way it was and it will be much easier to pretend those things don't matter to me." Until the next vacation or the next holiday and we face this again. Frowner
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
I do ache that other people get to be with him and be loved in that un-boundried, familial way though. What am I saying then...that I'd like him to exist only in his office and never have a 'real' life with real relationships?



Monte... this is exactly the conundrum I struggle with. I believe that this comes from the child within us. It's the reasoning of a five year old who wants to be the center of their attachment figure's universe. And in fact, that is exactly how a child with a secure AF feels. That they are the most important person in the universe to their AF. Unfortunately, many of us never had the opportunity to experience this and going through these feelings and stages as an adult can be so painful and confusing.

Hugs
TN
L lieseMember
(((SUMMER))))((((MONTE))))(((TN)))


quote:
My view is that I'll know I am 'cured' - that the issues have been resolved - when I no longer go through this particular agony.



I often think this too. Then I think, "and then I will no longer care about T." It makes me sad.

quote:
For me the funny thing is, I don't ache to spend these days with him - I am happy to be with my own people. I would like more flexible contact, but I don't ache to hang with him and exchange presents and chat over the turkey. I do ache that other people get to be with him and be loved in that un-boundried, familial way though. What am I saying then...that I'd like him to exist only in his office and never have a 'real' life with real relationships? How embarrassingly selfish.


Yes, it is a weird relationship. TN is onto something though.

quote:
It's the reasoning of a five year old who wants to be the center of their attachment figure's universe. And in fact, that is exactly how a child with a secure AF feels. That they are the most important person in the universe to their AF. Unfortunately, many of us never had the opportunity to experience this and going through these feelings and stages as an adult can be so painful and confusing.


When I think of my 6 year old and how she used to be when I left. Even if I was happy to be leaving the house, I never let her know that. I gave her a big hug and told her I'd miss her too. I didn't laugh and tell her what fun I was going to have wherever I was going. That's what's hard about the therapy relationship. We know now that they really aren't going to miss us.

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