Hello everyone. Even though I've been taking a break from the forum these past few weeks, I decided it would be a good idea for me to drop by and get some needed moral support, especially right now.

I would like to share something with everyone about my ongoing battle with alcohol. I apologize in advance for the length but it's from the heart and I need to get it out. Here's the message I posted awhile ago somewhere else:

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A (very) personal story of my ongoing battle of continued recovery.

First, I'd like to say while in addition to those select few friends who have been privy to how painful and challenging a year this has been, there are others who are co-workers, colleagues, kids and acquaintances who do not know me that well at all. To me, it doesn't matter right now. I want to share with you all what this day means to me and why.

December 18th will be the five-year anniversary of my sobriety.

At exactly 6:00 pm on Friday, December 18th, 2008, I poured a newly purchased 1.5 litre bottle of wine down the kitchen sink and haven't had a drink since. What makes me shake my head in wonderment is what I was doing before that life-changing moment.

You see, I lost my license for a year between 2007 and 2008 and got around riding an electric bike, including in the snow. I live only 10 km from work, so was able to do it quite easily in the summer and fall months. Wintertime was a different story. An electric bike doesn't require you to have your feet on the pedals at all times, so I was able to maneuver it along the side of the road like a skidoo. I'm sure I looked like a huge bumble bee or Big Bird bobbing up and down the road to and from work. No matter. I was determined to do it my way, come hell or high water.

I won't bore you with the details about how I lost my license but suffice it to say it was as a result of doing something incredibly stupid and extremely dangerous not only to myself but others on the road. I swear the only reason I'm still here in one piece is by the grace of the man upstairs I haven't always believed in and sorely tested by the past few years.

After losing my license, I started seeing an addictions counsellor at a local Resource Centre. I would hop on my ebike and slide/glide/pedal from work to the Centre and then down the other way to get home afterwards. My weekly appointments were Friday afternoons from 2:30 to 3:30. Yes, I continued to drink while seeing said addictions counsellor because I still didn't think the problem was that bad. It was...and much, much worse. By the time I stopped, I was drinking enough to black out almost every night only to get up and do it all over again.

On this particular Friday, I decided I was going to celebrate the fact I was still able to get around on my own, license or not. I stopped off at the wine store on my way home and purchased that bottle of wine, fully intending on drinking it all by myself that night. I mean, hey, it was one week before Christmas and I survived another year. "Woohoo - go The Kid!". Yeah, right!

When I walked in the door, I shed my snow-filled boots, ice-covered helmet, drenched gloves, jacket and snow pants. I walked into the kitchen, put the bottle on the counter, popped the cork and then...stopped. To this day, I still vividly remember thinking, "I can't do this anymore". I looked at the clock on the stove and it read 6:00. That's when I decided to dump the whole bottle down the sink. Best $25 I ever wasted!!!

Have I wanted to drink since then? Absolutely, especially when my brother died unexpectedly in April 2010 of pancreatic cancer that was most likely caused by his career as a firefighter. About two weeks after he passed away, I remember picking up my car keys one night, getting in the car and driving to the liquor store and just sat in the parking lot. And that's where I stayed for the next 30 minutes. I started the car, pulled out and went home without ever going in.

The reason I'm telling everyone part of my story is not for sympathy or a pat on the back. Not in the least!! It's to let people know there is hope and that no matter what you may be secretly struggling with, things CAN change. No, it's definitely not easy nor for the faint at heart. But, what I'm discovering about myself and what I can do while sober continues to surprise me in ways I never expected.

The other reason I'm sharing this is to caution the younger audience that alcohol is a dangerous drug to rely on to have a good time and make you feel that momentary high. Eventually, it takes more and more to achieve that few minutes of euphoria. It's not worth it. Whether it's to try to foster a false sense of bravado and be the "life of the party", temporarily feel good or temporarily forget your problems or make fake friends, it's simply not worth it.

To those who wish to judge me, go right ahead. I know I'm really putting myself out there and opening myself up to criticism. So be it if that's what anyone decides to do. That's a chance I'm willing to take by openly discussing the affects of alcoholism. Recovery is NOT easy. I struggle with it every day...some more than others and the holiday season is extremely trying for obvious reasons. But, it can be done and why I want to voice my accomplishment in getting to the five-year mark. It's one of the hardest ones to get to without taking a detour. Goodness knows I've been severely tested and I continue to work on the reasons why.

I'm still learning how to live sober. There are days I hide under the covers because I need to rejuvenate the batteries. Other days, I paint houses (for a fee) and play the accordion, although not at the same time! At certain times of the year. I also help out an awesome company called "#########"...need to keep those creative juices flowing, dontchaknow!!!

Anyway, the last thing I want to say is a heart-felt Merry Christmas to everyone. Your continued support at work and at ######## throughout the year has helped me in ways I can't begin to put into words.

Thank you.

The Kid