Typo correction:

*If any of you have been through something like this, can you tell me what you did to bring your 'self' back?*

Hi TAS.... I really do feel and understand your pain. You sound exactly how I sounded two years ago at this time. I was gutted by the abandonment and betrayal of my oldT. I kept telling people that I lost myself. That I died. I felt as if I was slowly disappearing, that I was only a ghost, a mist of vapor that would slowly disappear totally, never to be seen again. On the one year anniversary of that betrayal and abandonment, I took flowers to the spot where I "died". I sat there and cried and the only words I could choke out were "I'm sorry you had to die". I truly felt a part of me, a very essential part of me died. I was traumatized and paralyzed with grief. I could not function but I went to work each day and did my best. Because my son was so closely connected to my oldT (he was his T too) I could not go near my son and hug him. It just reminded me of everything bad that happened. I could not be a mother. Or a wife. Or even a friend. I was afraid to leave the house, afraid to hear music, or "feel" the seasons change, or celebrate the holidays. I was so dissociated that I could not remember anything and it was most severe when I would try to find a new T. Each T I saw scared me more than the last one. My own T didn't want me so why would another T? I was traumatized in an intimate relationship that moving closer to someone else was just terrifying.

But I knew the only real choice was to do just that. To be able to find myself again. To heal and to discover the truth of what happened to me I had to enter into another therapeutic relationship. I told my current T that I died, that I lost myself, that I was a shell, a no one who could not even "see" him I was so scared of him. But he insisted I would heal, he truly believed this. He assured me I would attach to him and we would develop a solid, strong relationship. I thought he was crazy!

He told me that I did not die, that I was still in there, perhaps hiding, or gravely wounded but I was there and we would find me again. We would do this together. I didn't believe him. I didn't believe my dear friend who also insisted that I would attach to him. I had no faith in anything really, except that I needed a place to grieve and going to sessions was the only safe place to do that, even though my brain could not even register the face of my T.

I am with him for two years now. I am very attached to him. We do have a good relationship. I am doing better in a lot of ways. I still have not really found my "self" yet but we are working on this. It has not been easy. It has been excruciatingly difficult at times. I had to face down my oldT in a meeting with my current T. I had to work to let him go. I had to adjust to a new office, a new routine, I didn't have a steady appointment for a few months. But I kept going.

And so, my long-winded way of advising you what to do is to just keep going to therapy. Keep doing the work and working on building the relationship with your T. It is this relationship that will heal you and once you can heal you will then again begin to find yourself. The one you lost. And maybe an even better self than you were! My T agrees that I will never be the same as I was... but he said I can be better than I was. You can be too.

As for the medication... I think it's a great idea to get an evaluation from a P. The meds may be the key to helping you to do the therapy you need without extreme reaction to it.

If I can I will link you to some of my old threads so you can see how similar our feelings are/were. I do believe if you keep on with your therapy and you allow your T the chance to help you and you allow yourself to attach you will begin to feel a lot better.

I think it is great that you asked this question and started this thread. I am sure there are others here who have faced this very same dilemma and will share their stories as well.

Hang in there
TN

((((TAS))))

I have been through something similar. I had myself convinced that my kids didn't need me. Thank God, I came to my senses and realized that they did need me. Then, I had no choice but to fight to make my life better. To fight for meaning. I've forced myself to do things that I used to enjoy. At first I didn't get much pleasure out of the activities. Or I would just while I was there but once I left, would go right back into my slump. I also went on medication which I had been fighting. That helped. Therapy helped. There are all these little pieces of the puzzle and I worked on each piece. It hasn't been easy and it hasn't been quick. But I am feeling better.

(((((TAS)))))

TAS... here are some of my old threads when I felt as if I was disappearing and disintegrating. My friends here were so supportive and really helped me survive that time of my life.

http://psychcafe.ca/eve/forums...09181/m/777009503001

http://psychcafe.ca/eve/forums...09181/m/973009962001

Hope it helps to see how much in despair I once was and with my T's help, how far I have come now. In fact, it's good for me to re-read these threads and remind myself what I have accomplished by staying with my T, working hard, and reaching out for support.

TN

Thank you True North I will definitely read your threads and thank you for sharing them.

It's like I am trying so hard and yet, I am fighting so hard against the therapist...I feel that so many things are simply unfair...the first 18 years of my life...trauma after trauma...and now this...it's like I am not equipped to handle this last 'straw'...not to mention the bale of hay that has built up over the years but was neatly put away...

I keep telling the therapist to tell me to go away. He won't. He is so damn stubborn. I tell him 'the way I am' is going to ruin the working relationship. He says he doesn't agree. I have tried everything to push him away...it is baffling to me that he is still saying, 'I am here.' That does not bring me comfort, it causes alarm.

I am tring, doing all I know to do...what is most frustrating to me is that I am my biggest hurdle...all the ways I learned to cope with the trauma over the years of my childhood...are now my biggest things to overcome...

Thank you for everything TN T.

Liese:

Thank you. I have really had to work hard at being present for my girls. It has been a challenge as I want to completely disengage from life.

'It hasn't been quick and it hasn't been easy'...I can relate to that...as long as we keep moving forward...that is key. I hate that it can't be quick and easy...I wish it were

Thanks Liese T.

quote:

I keep telling the therapist to tell me to go away. He won't. He is so damn stubborn. I tell him 'the way I am' is going to ruin the working relationship. He says he doesn't agree. I have tried everything to push him away...it is baffling to me that he is still saying, 'I am here.' That does not bring me comfort, it causes alarm.

TAS... I really like your T. He is doing it so right and you are also doing what you are supposed to do (even if it is unpleasant now). My T teases me that we are nicely attached... despite all my kicking and screaming. He's right, darn him!

You need someone in your life to be steady and consistent. And of course this will make you feel very uncomfortable. He is not behaving the way you expect him to behave, the way the abusive people in your life have behaved towards you. He is there for you because the problem is not you, it was THEM. The ones who were inconsistent, unstable and abusive towards you. You are fighting against him because this feels different and scary. It feels really scary for you to relax into the relationship with your T, to allow him to take care of you, and to believe that he will actually stay. Scary but not dangerous. There is a difference as my T reminds me frequently.

Part of what we learn to do in therapy is to recognize those people we should avoid. Those that would hurt us or abuse us and how to draw boundaries to protect ourselves. We learn the red flags others show us and we learn that we are worthwhile and deserve healthy relationships.

And so.. you can kick and scream and pout and get "pissy" (as my T says I do) but just keep going back to therapy and to your T to talk about it. This is how you will get better and how you will learn how relationships (healthy ones) work. Do it for you... and for your kids.

TN