I started therapy almost 6 months ago with a LCSW at an outpatient psychology clinic in the local hospital. She is a 66 year-old mother of 5, has been in practice at least 10 years (although I'd guess closer to 15), and has a lot of life experience. I have liked her from the start, but this is my first experience with therapy and I really haven't known what to expect. After a second "negative" experience with her, and developing a strong transference that has turned into an obsessive attachment, I started searching for additional information on what makes a "good" therapy experience and found this website like the rest of you, and I have since had a whole host of conflicting feelings hit me. Now I am more confused than ever and wondering if I will ever make progress and what I should do now.
The reason I started therapy was because of a previous negative transference/obsessive attachment to my physical therapist who also happens to be a man (I'm married) as well as my neighbor and my friend's husband. Bad idea to see him in the first place, I know. It didn't turn into anything romantic/sexual, I just was very needy/childish and got angry over him not meeting my needs. Having access to him via email, church, and the fact that he lives around the corner from me were really bad enablers. Anyway, it ended on a very sour note and I realized how very "sick" I was and finally gave into my mother's gentle prodding that I seek help. Needless to say this situation didn't have a very healthy effect on my relationship with my husband (which is already in a less-than-healthy state as it is). I spent an excessive amount of time worrying about my relationship with this man, and it truly was an obsessive/compulsive sort of thing.
So, my first session with my T was hard. I have emotional deprivation/mistrust/abandonment issues and even taking the step of going to her office was huge for me. When I told her about the situation with the Physical Therapist (PT) her eyebrows shot up and her eyes widened. She told me that my behavior was very unhealthy and self-destructive (like I didn't already know that!). Can I just say SHAME hit me like a ton of bricks? Not to mention that my wall of mistrust went up stronger and thicker at that point. I felt like I was in the judgment seat.
We made some progress in the next few sessions, but I always had this trust thing going on. She mentioned wanting to do some EMDR with me after the new year. I had no idea what EMDR was, so I went home and Googled it and it scared me a LOT. I was terrified of opening up further about the relationship with the PT guy because I feared her "judgment" again. I have to say that while I have always feared judgment and criticism from this woman, it's not because she is judgmental or critical, I am sensitive to those things and "see" them even when they are not really there. I really like my T. She is a lively, funny, caring and empathetic woman.
So, one session things changed for me trust-wise. She told me that for the EMDR she wanted me to write down all of my traumas, even those that seemed little or insignificant because a lot of lower-case traumas can make a capital trauma (her words). This was big for me, because I feel that my husband views my traumas (those he knows of) as being little and insignificant things that shouldn't affect who I am today because they happened when I was a child and I need to "grow up" and deal with it. My T has a ceramic tile in her office with the saying on it, "Put on your big girl panties and DEAL WITH IT!". I think subconsciously I pegged her as feeling the same way my husband does because she has that tile in her office and I figured she feels the same way my husband does. Anyway, her sincerity in telling me that even little traumas are important to acknowledge caused me to feel a shift and helped build my trust in her. That day after my session I went home and fell apart. I realized I wouldn't see her again for a month (due to the holidays) and panic set in. I went to the cupboard and got the telephone book out and looked up her home address. I was shocked that it was in there, honestly. She lives in a city nearby that I am unfamiliar with so I went to the computer and put her address into Google maps. I even went to "Street View" in the satellite option. That's when it hit me that I was in obsession mode with her. I felt the same yucky, intense, needy, dependent feelings I had felt within the relationship with my PT neighbor guy. UGH. I had my first anxiety attack right there at the computer. I cried for days. Finally I told my mother (who knew about the PT guy) and she suggested I call my T and see what she could do to help me. I was terrified to call her, but realized I couldn't keep feeling the way I was feeling for the next month. So, I made the call, left a message (she was out of the office that day) and when she called me the next day she was really nice until I told her that I was having emotional attachment issues with her now like I had with the PT guy. All she said was, "Hmmmm...". Then she told me she was booked for the rest of the month ("Everyone seems to fall apart during the holidays..."
) but that she was coming in to work one day during the holidays and offered me my choice of appointment time. The thing is, I didn't even want an appointment. I already had one for a week later than the one she offered me! All I really wanted was for some kind of comfort, reassurance that I wasn't going to go off the deep end again, we were going to get me through this...something right then and there! I was so let down I cried for the rest of the day. Then I was angry at her. For the next three weeks through my son's 5th birthday and Christmas I was absolutely miserable. My mind wouldn't let go of obsessive thoughts of my T and it was a horrible, horrible experience.Those 3 weeks were spent mostly locked in the bathroom or bedroom talking to myself (or to her, actually) trying to sort out where this obsessive thing comes from. She would be the 7th significant person in my life that I have done this with. I did figure it out, which was a relief, but of course it doesn't help to stop the transference/obsession once it's already in progress. Anyway, when the time for my session came during the holidays, she called me the day before to remind me of the appointment. Her voice was unusually distant and devoid of emotion or her usual friendly tone. The next morning her demeanor was equally distant. I felt like such an a** for having ever called her for help. I was so ashamed and scared that I had ruined my relationship with her and that I had made her so uncomfortable that she would now remain distant and withdrawn from me forever. After I explained my new insight as to why I target professionals in my transference/obsession issues, she seemed to feel better and more relaxed and by the end of our session together she was back to her usual self. She commended me for figuring it out on my own and thanked me for sharing it all with her, that it made her feel better...(she said more after the "better" part but I quit listening at that point and don't remember what she said she felt better about).
The next two sessions were almost a complete waste. I was too frightened to open up after her reaction to me. She had wanted to do EMDR for the relationship with the PT guy, but knowing her reaction to my disclosure that I was emotionally attached to her like I was to him made me really scared to even think about revealing any more about that relationship mess because it might frighten her and cause her to feel uneasy and possibly wary of me. It took me having my mother "threaten" me that she would come with me and tell my T that I needed to talk to her (about her negative reaction to me) before I realized I had to do that in order to move forward and make any further progress. I was consumed by the fear of what she really thought of me. Opening up to her that session was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I felt like a scared and bad little girl sitting on the couch having to tell my mother that I had done something terrible. I told her that her reaction at my first session had made me wish I hadn't said anything about the PT guy. She told me she was just concerned about where he was, or what his position was within the relationship (if he was emotionally involved or leading me on, etc.). I asked her about her reaction on the phone and why all she said was "Hmmmm...". She said it was because she didn't want me to become too dependent on her.(???) She was really nice and told me she cares about me, and that when I am ready to leave therapy (which scares me beyond words) she wants me to be so kick-butt that I will know what I want in life and how to get it, etc. I was in tears and feeling so ashamed and embarrassed at this point that I couldn't go further and ask about why she was so distant at our session, and it still bothers me now. She asked me at the end of our session that day if "we" were okay, and I said yes because I felt better, but not totally better. I just didn't want to keep feeling ashamed and stupid.
Now I'm confronted with more issues. I have been on medications for almost 5 months and they haven't worked so far. I have thought/known that I have OCD (but only with people/relationships, like with my T and PT) and my T and I talked about this two sessions ago and she didn't really press me about the compulsive part as I told her I do have compulsive issues and that they have to do with people and she just let it drop there. She verified that I have obsessive thoughts. She knows that they revolve around people and I thought she was clear that she was one of those people. Apparently not because she asked me to talk to my doctor about the OCD issue when I saw him again (which was last week before my session with her yesterday). He asked me questions about my behaviors and I was more open with him than I am with my T, but still couldn't tell him about the compulsive stuff with my T (detailed below). So when I saw her and told her about the changes to my meds she seemed concerned that he had switched them. She asked me why he and I think I have OCD because she thinks I just have the obsessive thoughts issue. I told her I do have the compulsive part and she pressed me about it. She asked if the obsession still had to do with the PT guy and I told her no. She asked me who it had to do with and I told her it was with her. She said, "Really?!?" Then she wanted to know what she does or doesn't do that makes it worse. I didn't say anything. She wanted to know what the compulsiveness part of it was. That's when things got REALLY uncomfortable. I asked if I had to answer. She didn't say anything. I told her I could fill an hour with details. So what are the details? (She still doesn't know, BTW)
I had to give her an example, so my example was that I knew from my previous session that her mother was in hospice and on death watch. This was not self-disclosure on her part, I overheard her telling a colleague that had asked her about her mother while I was standing at the receptionist's desk making another appointment. I obsessively worried about her (my T) all week, checking the obituaries online, etc. She said, "Oh, bless your heart." That didn't help...
Anyway, my obsessive compulsive issues with this woman are that I think about her constantly. She never leaves my mind. Even if I'm distracted by something else, she's at the periphery of my mind waiting to come back to the forefront. She's the last thing I think about before I go to bed and the first thing that pops into my mind in the morning. I am on the computer researching information about her, her husband, kids, past information, whatever I can find that is free legal information. I have not driven by her home and don't plan to, as I know that would make the obsession worse. I HATE HATE HATE that I do this!!! Now I am so full of guilt and shame that I have searched for all of this stuff about her and I feel like I need to tell her to get rid of the shame and guilt. At the same time, I fear that she will hate me, terminate me, tell me I'm sick/psycho and that she can't deal with me and my issues. I'm so terrified that I would almost rather never go back to her than face her and tell her these things. If I were in her place I would be scared to have a patient that knew/was researching info about me and my family for fear that I would have a stalker on my hands. The humiliation of having to admit this all to her is really scaring the crap out of me. I am convinced that it will mean the end of my relationship with her. My mother recommended writing her a letter and mailing it to her before I have to see her again because I really feel there's no way I could actually verbalize these things, but I am wondering if that would be very beneficial or if I would be better off just facing the overwhelming fear and telling her face to face. The idea of telling her in person absolutely terrifies me, and I mean I really feel like I would vomit from the fear, or sit there for the entire hour sobbing and shaking, unable to say anything because I am frozen in fear. In fact, I could see myself literally running out of her office because I just can't face the humiliation. I'm already freaking out sitting here thinking about it. What should I do??? Why does therapy sometimes make life harder and make us feel worse rather than help us feel better?!! I am not enjoying the experience!!
Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading if you've gotten this far!
MTF
