(((((((incognito))))))))))

I sorry for all the pain you're in and how isolated you're feeling. I have struggled with the same feelings and I do know how horrible it can feel when we're less than perfect with our kids (oddly enough, most of my session this morning was on that very subject) but you need to hear that you are being WAY too hard on yourself. Any parent occasionally mishandles situations with their kids (and honestly, aside from maybe coming down too hard, I can see where you would be really upset by the behavior you saw in your daughter).

And please trust me that I understand that deep fear that if you let someone see just how "bad" you are, that they're reaction will destroy you or you will be abandoned. But the only way that you can know that you really aren't bad is too take the huge risk to talk about how you're feeling and see the very different reaction that you get.

I've spent the last three years working on this with my T. I was so convinced, on such a deep level, that I was evil and repulsive and selfish and a horrible mother and if I let him see the real me, he would leave. Anyone would, because I was that bad. I started letting a little out at a time and was deeply shocked when my T took it all in stride, saw so much of it as not a big deal and helped me deal with the stuff that actually needed to be dealt with (a MUCH smaller percentage than I assumed mind you). His compassion and acceptance of my humaness is what allowed me to stop seeing myself as some kind of monster and to eventually entertain thoughts of actually being a worthwhile person.

I know the terror is absolutely paralyzing and I can only imagine the depth of pain and loneliness that lead you to just cry for an hour. But may I very gently point something out? The choice you are making now is causing the very thing you fear to happen. You are alone and abandoned already because no one is allowed to see you. So the risk with talking to your T is that if things turn out the way you think they will (and I only concede this to make the point) then the only real loss will be the hope that someday you can speak and it will be alright. But that hope is holding you hostage. Taking the risk to speak up will at least provide the chance that something different will happen (which is what I believe or I wouldn't be urging you to speak) and you will no longer be agonized by the fear of what might happen. As I see it, you can only end up in a better place because you're already in the worst one you can be in.

And may I please tell you, from what I know of you from this site, I really really don't believe that you are the horrible person you think you are, nor are you a bad mother (question: Have you ever noticed that really bad mother's never question if they're good mothers?). I want you to think of hearing what you're saying from someone else on this site and how you would feel about it? Would you believe they were really so bad that it couldn't be spoken of? You deserve to be heard and to be met with care and understanding.

And to answer you're question, I believe it hurts so much because you have turned all the pain of what you didn't get and all the pain of what you did get but shouldn't have on yourself. You took in on a really deep level the message that you are no good and it's lie staight from the pits of hell. We must preserve our caretakers as "good" when we are children because it is necessary to our survival and so we take all the bad into ourselves, where it should never have been placed. You need to talk about this so you can hear the truth from someone else and break the power of those lies.

AG

Oh my incognito, it seems like you're having a hell of a time. I'm so sorry for that. Would you like a hug? If so, here it is (((((((Incognito)))))))

First of all, if I were a betting woman, I'd bet all my marbles that your t will be glad to see you next time. If anything, I'd imagine that he was upset that he was so useless in helping you. I think when patients leave in a worse state then when they came in, it really bother's our t's. So I don't think he's mad or disappointed with you. He probably really just wishes he could have understood you today.

As for all this about you being bad... I know you feel that you are awful, bad and despicable, but I want you to step back for a second. HB once told me- well, something along these lines- that she wished I could understand that I was seeing me through tinted lenses (although she said it in a much more eloquent, HB-ish way!). What I'm getting at though is that you have a filter- that has been in place for a long time- over your eyes when it comes to seeing yourself. I could sit here and tell you a million times that you aren't bad for yelling at your daughter. You're human, you over reacted, you felt (feel) awful about it and you now have an opportunity to model something wonderful for your daughter- the art of making amends and forgiveness. But it's up to you to decide that you aren't bad because what I say won't really matter.

Think of it like this: You're walking along the street one day, and you trip... you get this awful pain in your leg and fearing the worst, you turn to the person walking nearby and say OMG, look at my leg! How bad is it??? Well, the person says oh shit, it's REALLY bad... you broke your leg. So, naturally, you think in terms that you've just broken your leg and you're mind starts racing... how are you going to get around? you don't have time for this? you can't afford it? what are people going to say? etc etc etc... Well, as more and more people come by and see your leg, they all tell you it has to be broken... and they say DON'T LOOK, WHATEVER YOU DO! You never work up the nerve to look at your leg because you're scared of what you'll see. But you don't want people to make a big deal about you, so you slowly get up and limp your way home. You keep limpin for days, weeks, months, years even, and eventually you wonder why your leg won't get any better, and by now your back hurts from limping all the time, and your hip hurts, and your leg muscles get really weak because you haven't been using them. Well, eventually, you go to the dr. because your back's really bothering you... but you never ever tell him about your leg. Finally, he see's you limping around one day and you have no choice but to tell him about that awful, embarrasing day that you fell and broke your leg... but he looks at you, references your x-rays, and to your astonishment, tells you that your leg never was broken. He can see evidence of an old sprained ankle, but there was no break... ever. You start thinking and all the sudden, it's clear to you how you've spent the last several years of your life ACTING ON FALSE INFORMATION!

Incognito, you got the message that you were bad somewhere lllooonnnnggggg ago. but it was false. you. are. not. bad. You feel like you are but that is a lie. I strongly encourage you to THINK about it... you don't have to agree with me, but what if your leg was never broken? what if you were NEVER bad, what if that isn't true?

And I guess I just want you to know that your t isn't there to judge you. I know you know that, and I know that it's scary when it comes down to it (AG explained that well!), but he's safe. It is possible to trust him and let him see you. It is going to hurt and be bumpy, but you can do it. And I can't wait until the day you post here and say GUYS, GUESS WHAT?!?! I'M NOT AN AWFUL PERSON!!! You are lovable, and worthy of forgiveness from your daughter AND yourself.

-CT

How are you today Incognito?

-CT

thank you for the replies and the hugs...

I'm in a terrible state. I wish I could see things the way you guys do. I've had a couple of email exchanges with my T and he has told me he hopes I can continue talking with him but I can't imagine doing that. I feel terrible and like I lost something essential to me.

((Incognito))) I am so sorry that you are having such a bad time. I can only say that I really do understand how you are feeling. I hope you're feeling a little better today.

smiley

I am feeling a little better today thanks.

I managed to go to my session. I was sick with worry but I was able to talk a little about my feelings about my daughter and my angst about therapy.

(((incognito)))
How incredibly brave of you to go back and talk to your T!! I'm so glad you were able to do that and are feeling somewhat better.

AG