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8 replies

What do I want? how can I tell?

I incognitoMember
Lately things in my life suck. At work I've been expecting to be laid off for about 9 months and while it is great my boss keeps getting extensions for his project they are always short ones so I don't have any security. My health has been bad this winter with my asthma getting worse and my lung function dropping. My weight loss doctor thinks I should have gastric bypass surgery to lose weight which I don't want (I know it works for some people so I am not trying to make any blanket statements about it). I am afraid because it is major, irreversibly surgery and I am afraid that my eating is so out-of-control that I won't be able to stick to the expected diet so I will be at risk for injuring myself. And my husband and I are seeing a marriage counselor together and while I understand him more than I used we are actually fighting more. My entire life seems hopeless. I am trapped and can't seem to do anything that makes a difference. That is a big part of why I've been so quiet because I am so stuck and I hate it and I assume everyone else will hate it too.

So I've been talking to my T about why therapy is so difficult for me, that I struggle to talk about my thoughts and feelings, that I feel like being in therapy has exposed all these things I missed in my life and activated all the wants and I hate that I want them from my T. About a month ago I told him that I had all these wants that couldn't be filled and I didn't want to talk about them because they feel so stupid. I told him one of them was that I want his approval, I know he accepts me but that is different than approval. He said he didn't think that my wants were stupid or unfulfillable and we could talk more about approval.

Then things with my husband blew up and we had a series of very painful fights and I talked to T about them. Then I went away for a week. My first session back was Friday and I mainly talked about my trip and my session with the marriage T and my husband. I feel like my husband and I want different things from our relationship. He hates conflict and says he feels close and connected to me even if we aren't talking a lot. I feel like I'm living in silence and he doesn't tell me anything that he is thinking and feeling. He is willing to listen to me talk about anything like my work, or friends, or family, or therapy. He hears anything I say about him or our relationship as extremely critical and he gets defensive and lashes out at me verbally. He acknowledges this but he can't seem to change his reaction. It is like he loses rational thought so I feel like I can either stop talking about our relationship and live in silence or spend a lot of time explaining what I really meant and that I don't think he is a terrible husband.

Today in my session with my T I was pretty quiet. I didn't want to discuss my husband because I don't feel like either of us can change. He can't stop feeling attacked by what I say. I don't want to stop talking about my feelings. We understand each other better but it seems hopeless. My T asked me if I was thinking of giving up on my marriage. I said I could mentally give up but we couldn't afford to live separately. T asked me what I meant and why I felt we had no options. I thought saying I couldn't afford was pretty clear and I didn't want to get into my finances in detail. He told me he thought my descriptions of my sessions with my husband and the fights we have been having actually give him hope that things are changing between us slowly. I said I didn't. He said he knew that. More silence. He asked about my job and I didn't have anything new to report. I said I didn't really have anything I wanted to discuss because I don't think I can change anything. He said he disagreed with me. Then the session was over, 55 minutes with about 10 minutes of talking.

I realized as a left. I feel the same way about T as I do about my husband. I want something from them and my relationship with them that I can't describe so I can't ask for it. They both seem perfectly happy sitting in silence and I hate it. They know I'm upset (in therapy I cry a lot). Even when I do manage to talk to my T, I usually feel like his response isn't enough, like we just missed a connection. I called him afterward and told him I didn't know what was wrong with me but I wanted more from him and my husband than they could give me and it was making me miserable. I can definitely leave my therapist. I just wish I knew why it is never enough for me.
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armoredheartarmoredheartMember
(((cogs)))

I am so sorry you are in so much pain Frowner There is so much on your plate right now and I'm glad you are reaching out for support, even though things feel so stuck. I feel like I probably don't have much good advice, other than I've noticed when I feel as though I just can't get enough from other people, it's a sign I'm grieving childhood losses pretty heavily.

I just wanted to send a hug and let you know I'm listening and rooting for you.
Hug two
closeddoorscloseddoorsMember

((((cogs)))) i'm really sorry things suck so much right now. i do agree with AH about the grieving childhood losses comment. i'm going through alot of that stuff myself right now, and it does hurt like a son-of-a-bitch. just wnat to let you know that even though i don't have any answers for you, i read your post and feel your frustration and pain, and i really am sorry for what you're going through. you have my prayers and positive thoughts, and hoping things turn around for you very soon. Hug two
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi incognito... In answer to your question, I think you do know what you want. It's just that the journey there seems so difficult right now and the fact that you seem to be on overwhelm is not helping. I think you want to physically both feel and look better. I think you want your dh to be more empathic and patient and I think you want your T to be more self-disclosing about how he feels about you without you asking. But the most important thing I think you want (which is what most of us also want) is someone to make it all better. Someone to understand you perfectly and fill the gaping empty hole most of us carry around with us and that we try to fill with other things, like food, or other self-destructive behaviors.

We would like to fill the empty place without having to work through all the terrible grief and pain we carry with us. It's a difficult and daunting task we face and it can seem hopeless and impossible. That road is long and full of bumps and potholes. I do think you are making progress and where your T sees hope you need to trust him on that. I don't think we are the best judges of how far we have come.

Do you and T ever take a session to go back a few months and review things? Do you ever speak about the changes you or he see or the differences in how you see things now? If not, do you keep a journal? Or maybe you can look back in your blog... you can then see the changes and the new things you are doing now that you haven't done before.

I know you are frustrated because I have felt that too more times than I'd like to remember. And our childhoods have taught us hopelessness and helplessness. It's part of the abuse/trauma history. Much of this comes from when we get stuck in emotional flashbacks. I think if you are able to do one small thing... make ONE change in your life, then you will see that there is hope. Maybe something small like saying "I no longer will eat after dinner" or "I refuse to stuff my feelings down with food for JUST one day". You will then see things are not hopeless and you can make changes. Maybe just one day in session you say what you *really* think about what T is doing. Face to face.

Lastly, if you look back for a year or more and honestly see no real progress or change, then, despite feeling attached to your T, it may be time for a change. You may just need a T who is more challenging and more open about how he feels about the relationship. My T can be wonderful, he can also be a tough SOB that holds my feet to the fire when needed. But he's open and honest and I know how he feels about me and us so it makes a difference.

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you and none of what I suggest is easy. I've had my own false starts and sense of hopelessness. This week I'm struggling and angry because T is away and I'm feeling lost and panicky.

Sending you hugs and encouragement
TN
redtomatoredtomatoMember
((((cogs))))
I'm so glad you came here and wrote all that. I think it's a healing activity to reach out, to share what's in your heart. TN's got some good ideas about approaching change. It's wicked hard, but it really is possible. One simple (but not so simple) change might be to promise yourself that you won't keep saying things can't change, that you can't change. It seems like it's almost become a mantra - because you feel so stuck in it. You don't have to believe it right now, but stop saying it.

I feel your frustration and hopelessness, and I know it is awful to feel that way. And about the weight thing. I knew I could never lose the pounds. I just kept getting bigger and bigger. Then one day, something was different. I hadn't even really been thinking about "doing something," but it started. I'm not a "perfect" size, but I'm way different than I was. I do believe there is hope for you to change things in your life.

Sending you great big cyber hugs.
-RT
I incognitoMember
I want to thank you all for your responses. I felt less alone today and that was a relief.

Thank you for the hug lucy. I do feel alone in my relationships and then I blame myself for being alone. I think I feel like it is never enough because I've spent years with my T talking about what I want from him. I've reached the point where I believe he likes me, cares about me and my life, isn't frustrated or angry when I sit and cry, will be there and really listen to me during my sessions. All things that I doubted at some point but the relationship still feels like it is missing something or isn't enough for me.

Thank you for listening and the hugs, AH. I feel like I've been grieving childhood losses for so long and even though there is a lot to grieve I feel like I should be done.

Thank you for your prayers closed doors. I am sorry you are feeling a lot of pain about your own childhood losses. I hope things get easier for us both.

TN, you are right of course about what I want although your words are much clearer than my thoughts. What happens when what you want isn't obtainable? Realistically there is no person, my husband or my T, who can fill the empty hole inside of me. I understand that intellectually but emotionally it keeps overwhelming me. T and I don't really do review sessions. I have told him about changes that I see in my life. If I asked he would tell me he thinks we are making progress in therapy (talking about difficult subjects, questioning him about what he is saying or why) but he rarely offers an opinion in large or small ways without me asking. Interestingly I have no desire to try a new therapist (usually I have a short list of T's to call and over the years I've consulted with a few). Maybe I'm in too hopeless a place to think I could accurately evaluate whether I have made progress in the last year or imagine interviewing and evaluating new T's. I'm sorry that you are struggling with your T's absence. I hope the week passes quickly.

Red, that is a quite a challenge to stop saying that I am stuck. It would require me not trying to figure out what is going on and that is so difficult. I have experienced that "one day, something was different" about my eating and weight before but things changed. Thank you for holding hope for me. I will try to find a different way to describe what I am feeling without using stuck or trapped or that I can't change.

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