Hi MTF,

I know what you mean about struggling to communicate. I know that I clam up, and can easily spend 45 minutes dancing around a subject and talking about meaningless topics in an effort to avoid really "talking" abut stuff.

What has helped me get over this is writing my T a letter. Often, I journal after my sessions with her, and at many other times throughout the week. The night before my session, or sometimes the day of, I'll look through what I've journaled, or I'll just go with what I really need to say, and I'll write her a letter. They're usually pretty short - 200-400 words, though I have given her a few two-pagers before.

I walk in, hand the letter to her, and settle in. It takes the pressure off of me being able to bring the hard stuff up that will never come to the surface if I had to speak it.

Today was one of those such sessions. I walked in, handed her a letter, the hardest letter I've written yet, and we had a pretty intense session. I didn't even talk a whole lot, she asked questions based on what I had written to her and we worked through stuff. The letter was and continues to be my voice on an almost weekly basis.

Hope this helps?

MTF,

I wish I had the answer for you but unfortunately I seem to suffer from the same problem. I have a terrible time accessing my emotions in therapy. and when I do come close, I freak out and turn into a stand-up comedian and start making jokes. Fortunately both Ts are not allowing me to go down that path and try to bring me back to the emotions, but I shut off pretty quickly.

(((((MTF))))) I have exactly the same problem, but my T never even suggested a way to "get around" it. I wish we had. She always just lets the silence "be" and will eventually ask me where I've "gone" (feels like running around in circles, trapped or stuck), or will ask gentle questions to kind of nudge me one way or another (more helpful than trying to break out of the circular trap, IMO). Love the idea of Dragger's sand tray, maybe I'll get one and try that (or something like it) before my T leaves in September. Writing makes so much sense, and I have tried it multiple times, but gave up because I never seemed to be in that same "zone" when I was with her, so it always felt awkward. Maybe there is another way to do it that would work, IDK. But I like the idea of the sand tray...probably because it is "right brain" and I think I get stuck in "left brain" world...writing letters is still "left brain" because my letters are FULL of "reasoning" so to speak...so something artistic feels more promising.

Thanks for asking this question - you've given me something new to try in my own therapy. Good luck in yours, MTF, I hope you and your T find something that helps. It is so nice to see you around again.

Hugs,
SG

Thank you Draggers, R2G, LG, SG, and Monte.

I am working on thinking about all of this. I was supposed to see my T in two more weeks, as she's going on vacation to visit her son and his family out east, and then has her 50th high school reunion right after that. So it was to be a 3 week break, but she called today and told me that when she scheduled her vacation for her trip out east, she didn't know about the class reunion. So now she won't be back in time for my session on the 24th, as that's the day of the reunion. She said she had about 40 people to cancel appts. for and that she was really sorry and would put me at the top of her cancellation list for the week she is back. Well, I doubt I'll get in before my next scheduled session on July 8th, my birthday. I'm going to miss her a lot the next 4 weeks. This will be the longest break yet.

I guess I should try to look on the bright side in that it gives me some time to really think about how to stay grounded in sessions and what I can try to do to stay present.

You've all given some great advice. Thank you so much!

MTF

I have a big problem with blanking and freezing like you are describing and most of my stuff has come out in writing, but that has been problematic, because sometimes it seems as if it gets "lost" to my T. He says if something comes up repeatedly, it will become a theme and get addressed, but also that it's good I want to work on verbalizing. When I write in my notebook during sessions, I actually found I ended up kind of using it to dissociate when unpleasant things came up. Like certain parts causing a ruckus, so I'd start "dashing" (sketching a bunch of dashes, lines or dots) and disconnect from whatever it was. In the last few sessions, since we've been communicating in terms of parts, it has gotten a bit better. When something can't make it to my mouth, I identify there's a resistance there, and then wait for permission to express it, I guess? And if I'm "not allowed" to express exactly that thought, I try to describe or translate the thought. And if there is still resistance about doing that, I try to describe (imagery or sensation) what that resistance feels like. That seems to keep things moving a bit. However, this experience might be VERY specific to me. In case it is of any use at all, I'm sharing.

quote:

Something else I've also started is umm...uggh...shudder...Show and Tell. It is not actually that, but I call it that because I feel a bit silly about it...it is like being 5 and taking something to school for morning talk. The idea is I bring in something to talk about that is nonthreatening, but still important to me...it may be an actual object or it may be something from a book, a favorite art work from history...anything...


It's also important to feel safe, in fact I think that is the primary block. For me, I fear humiliation, blushing, indifference, distance, coldness, rejection, overwhelm-ment...these are all the things that keep my defences in overdrive...emptying my head of all the meaningful things I need to communicate, leaving just extreme uneasiness and the desire to flee. I have solved that with practical things...turn the light off in the office so the room is in half light, often very dim toward the end. This just feels safer...who wants to emerge 'in the spotlight'? Might bright lights be an issue for you also?

T sitting closer to me makes me feel less distant, less 'rejectable' and makes him feel reachable in many ways. The affect of nearness for me has been fundamental in this. I fear exposure to buried emotion and block it as it rises constantly, but just a little less so now. Having someone right there makes it a bit more manageable. But more than that, a close caring voice and a touch on the arm is very siphon-like in it's ability to draw out emotion.

Monte... reading this was so helpful to me (and I hope to you too MTF). I was thinking of how to get around that wretched wall that is blocking me from revealing more of me to my T and to get beyond the grief of oldT. I think show and tell is a great idea. I did some of this with oldT and it did not really go over too well but I think that had more to do with his incompetence than it being the wrong thing to do. I'd like to share things with my T like some old books, childhod pictures, old school information... I think it would help me let go of some of the fear and defenses that are strongly in place. I'm not sure how he would react to this and I may email him asking if it's okay to do this. I think it would take the anxiety out of just showing up with a bag of "stuff".

As for the other things you mention.... after a few weeks of sessions I finally got up the nerve to ask my T if we could close the blinds. He sits in front of a window and the lgiht would blind me. Aside from that oldT's office was always darker due to the building being surrounded by beautiful old trees. I also saw him once a week at night and once during the day and it seemed the night sessions were more productive for some reason. I like the dimness. In my last session I told my T that having him move in closer to me, and lean forward and speak softly was very helpful in getting me to a more emotional place where I could bring up the really painful stuff. I needed him to know this I think in order for us to move forward in the therapy.

MTF, I think some of these ideas are really useful and I hope you will try them too. I really admire you for handling the long time periods in between sessions. I don't think I'd be able to do that, especially when we are working on painful stuff. I hope in this case it gives you time to work on how to approach moving emotionally deeper with your T.

Good luck
TN