I actually find that allowing myself to say I want to quit when I feel it, when it feels that bad, helps me to keep coming back. I don't know. I see it as similar to people who hold onto other more triggering solutions as a way out (I have that to at times). Just the idea that I'm in control over something, even if it is whether or not to continue to acknowledgr and process my pain, can keep me going when things are very low. When I was a kid, there was no quitting. I probably could have reported to CPS and teachers thought I should, but I didn't feel like that was an option. There was no, "I quit," then as it meant giving up a place to live and protecting younger siblings. Now I'm in a situation where if it gets bad, I know I have a choice. I also know staying is the right choice, but sometimes reminding myself, and even T, that I have that choice makes me feel safer, able to endure. I did that just last night, in fact, told T I wasn't sure about the next session. Friday, I spent the first half of my session talking about wanting to quit and what that would mean. T is smart and though he'll work through my figuring out what is best for me and my family together, he always makes sure I know that I DO have that control, that option. He won't force me to stay and suffer. It makes me feel safer.

TAS,

LOL! I know it's no laughing matter but I read your topic and immediately pictured you saying you were quitting therapy and then almost being teleported to your T's office for your appointment with a big grin on your face saying, "Here I am again. Was there ever any question that I'd be here?" I can't tell you how many times I've said I was going to quit. There was a period of time when I would tell my T I wasn't sure I'd be at my next appointment and me being in therapy was going to have to be an appointment by appointment kind of thing. And then, there I'd be at my next appointment. T would always say, I'm glad you came. I would smile rather sheepishly and say, "was there really any question? I've never missed an appointment." He never seemed to take it for granted, though, that I'd show up.

It was/is hard to accept that therapy is a necessary part of my life right now but apparently it's what I need to get stronger. It was also hard to fully commit and stop looking for that escape route on a fairly regular basis.

quote:

It was/is hard to accept that therapy is a necessary part of my life right now but apparently it's what I need to get stronger. It was also hard to fully commit and stop looking for that escape route on a fairly regular basis.

Yep. Ditto.

I think ever since my first appointment I have thought and sometimes said, "I'll probably be done in a few months." I still kind of think this, actually. It's like I just can't envision myself needing her for longer than that, lol.

A couple times when I've felt like quitting I've just gone ahead and taken a week or several off. I start to miss her after awhile, and then I go back and it feels good to see that she is still there, same as ever. It also feels good to prove to myself that I have some control over things-- I can "quit," take a break, bounce in and out while I'm trying to figure things out, it's all good. At least, it has been so far.

TAS, you're alway short and to the point. you ask a lot of really good honest questions. i agree with HIC. i normally see T every other week, and this last time he was going to be out on my "day" and he suggested we either do it a day earlier or to skip it. i opted to skip it. at first i dreaded what i had done, but really? i was holding myself up to some pretty unrealistic standards between sessions and couldn't NOT think about therapy and T and really consuming alot of my time and energy. the thought of going in for a session was comparable to going in for a sobriety check, or going to see a PO ... it was always because of some "bad" thing i did. like i'd done something wrong just by being in therapy. might be hard to follow or understand. i know it's twisted. BUT i'm really glad i decided to skip it because it allowed me to realize that i needed to step away. i needed to cut myself some slack. it had nothing to do with T, but my own past junk. i need to just learn to chill and be gentle with myself. i miss T, but i'm glad i took the break. see him this Thursday. i'm thrilled and at the same time i'll be climbing the walls the days leading up.
i'm rambling and i'm sorry. beer . what do i do when i want to quit? i keep going. i keep going because i feel like i have T's attention. i feel like T cares. it hurts that it feels like he cares. but the hurt i've realized is a longing for somebody to care, and feeling like it's actually happening. a longing i've felt my whole life. and although it hurts, something makes me want to see how it all ends.
keep going, TAS. you're inquisitive and sensitive (that's GOOD!), you ask great questions. you're an awesome addition to the forums and i'm always curious to see what TAS has to say when you have a new post. wishing you the best on your journey ...

Thank you Yakusoko, Liese, HIC, and Closed Doors for your replies You guys rock!

I definitely keep pushing myself to go. It is very difficult but I know that a lot is on the line if I don't go.

Sometimes we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if it feels that we do not know what we are doing, yes?

Thank you for your kinds and you guys have been so supportive. I appreciate that so much!

T.

I post on a forum because I know I'll get encouragement to keep at it. I also email a good friend who helps keep me going. I want to quit often!

I have a journal that I write in all the time. I am sure to write in all the positives that T brings to my life, all the progresses that I have made in such a short time with her, and how I know healing is meant for me. This usually allows me to realize that I am just struggling through something at the moment and that it will eventually pass(I have a little rule with T, too, that we will talk through hard issues with honesty before any rash decisions are made in relation to our relationship.)

All of this doesn't mean that I sometimes don't want to RUN far away from therapy. I just have to take "control" of that little girl inside of me and calm her down a bit. Tell her that it's gonna be ok.