It doesn't bother me but sometimes it does. I have run support groups and have been taught to embrace the silences and not be uncomfortable with them. I usually never look at T - but during them she is usually looking at me and waiting..... Sometimes i have said to her "the silences don't bother me you know" (how childish...) or "I can sit here silent for hours you know" (oh childish again). Sometimes I just say "what" or "I know you are waiting for me to speak but I don't want to be here right now and I want you to change topics". She might ask what is going on in side my head right now and i will usually say "nothing, my mind has gone elsewhere and I can't even remember the question. Bring it up another day".

Sometimes I need a lot of thinking time and T will give me extra time for that. Other times she has it all wrong - because I am thinking how the hell do i get out of her room, or that I hate therapy or whatever!

Sometimes I just start talking about a different topic to fill the silence! Just to throw T off the trail. If she re-asks the question i might say "bum. I was trying to throw you off-track, but you remembered'.

I think it is a part of therapy. It tells our T's that we are uncomfortable or they have hit a raw nerve. I am sure they love them!

Hi Raven-

T makes me think. Last session, I did not know what to say at one point- and neither of us were talking. I remember thinking, "Is this awkward silence?" and concluding-that it wasn't. Neither of us had anything to say at that moment, but it was comfortable. Sorry I can't help- I don't like awkward silence either. For me- the awkwardness comes from having stuff to say- but (I guess for lack of trust) I can't say it.

I don't find silences with T particularly awkward, usually. My best friend is almost eerily quiet, and spending time with her got me used to the experience of companionable silence, I think. It can be nice.

T on the other hand can sometimes seem a bit restless when I'm quiet for any length of time. She's usually the first one to break a long pause in the conversation when there is one. I think from her perspective, she feels she has to work to keep me engaged at times. At least that's the vibe I get. It doesn't bother me much that she does this, cuz I know sometimes I clam up in therapy out of mental laziness and can probably use a push.

quote:

Then I said I had wasted her time and she said it wasn't a waste because I was paying.

Ouch, that's kind of painfully blunt. I know what you mean about feeling you waste T's time, though. I worry about that sometimes, but try to remind myself that this is what she does for a living, after all, that I'm "buying" my hour to use in the way that works best for me (within some guidelines, of course) and it's all fair and square. It's weird that in some ways thinking about the business arrangement side of therapy can hurt, but in other ways it can be reassuring.

I'm sorry to hear you aren't going back to your T. :/ Is this because of the comment she made about the time not being wasted, or something unrelated?

Yea, maybe Ts do love it when they hit a raw nerve!

Mayo, like you, I think part if the silence is frustrating because I too have stuff to say but either don't trust or can't put it into words.

I apologize because my last sentence did make it sound like I was adamant that I'm not going back. I had meant it to mean I wasn't sure if I am. I probably will after I realize the lame session was really my fault. But if it seems tense and awkward again, I will have to think about sticking it out or not. I'm just in a conflicted and high anxiety place today so I hope it dissipates after a few days.

My T has a different way of saying "It wasn't a waste because you're paying"... It's a much less abrupt way of saying the same thing...

When it comes up, and I feel like I've wasted her time...She reminds me solidly that "this" is "my" time.

Same sentiment I guess...but, never really makes me feel like the emphasis is on my paying her for her time.

Sometimes when the 'great silence' happens... I simply say "I really wish you'd say something"
or "Come on...Use your words...", which she usually laughs at.

Sometimes the silence is really grounding..And I think she can sense that, so she will entertain sitting in silence maintaining eye contact with me for as long as it takes... Sometimes she'll adjust her body position and take a slow, deep and obvious breath- Which always reminds me to do the same...

At first I was not too comfortable with the random moments of silence. Usually they would happen after I revealed something really emotionally difficult and I would be cryin, so I guess it was her way of like letting me have those emotions and be able to finally cry about them. She wouldn't look at me but when I would catch a glimpse of her she always had this very sympathetic look on her face. Now the silences are less but if they do occur they're not awkward cos she's usually comforting me or we're both just kind of in the moment. But I don't think I would like it if T would just stare at me during the silent moments. I liked that she gave me my space and broke the silence when she felt I was ready to engage again, and she was usually right on the spot.

silences work in different ways for me
1. I close up and just blank out looking at a spot on the wall.
2. I wait it out. I am very patient.
3. I get upset and eventually blurt out "I feel you are just staring at me, stop staring at me! This is MOST uncomfortable!" [Well at least this one breaks the silence LOL]
4. I once went to sleep.
5. Sometimes I really need HIM to shut up, as I need the space to process and think through something or even the space to find out what I feel so sometimes a silence it a total blessing. [mind you I have also perfected the technique of tuning out his voice so that I cam reflect or allow something in me to come to the surface. LOL]

To be honest, though, I have so much stuff coming up at the moment that it is rare for any of those therapist initiated silence's to come up as I am in there and at it full tilt.

I sometimes have awkward silences in my sessions. When I have intense feelings I tend to lose my words entirely and shut down, trying to feel as small as possible. Just being in my sessions is enough lately for me to have huge feelings and want to disappear. My T will sometimes sit there looking at me with a compassionate look on her face. I don't mind it sometimes, but other times it feels so awkward because all I want is to hide and I feel like she's staring at me. One time I said, "What?!" and she either didn't hear me or chose not to reply.

She's a big talker, though, and more often than not I'll be sitting there panicking inside and she'll be talking about emotional processes and healing processes, etc.

I've been thinking I'd have more space to deal with the intense stuff coming up if she stopped filling the silences but I haven't asked her to stop. I think it's because I'm scared of the actual dealing with stuff. For now it feels safer to just let her talk and I can hide under that. Hopefully that makes sense?

Hi Raven,
I have spent lots of time in silence. And I do find it awkward at times - usually because I have 3 or 4 conflicting voices in my heads trying to be in control. I often really want to say something, but find a reason not to or anticipate what my T will say or think.
Mostly I look out the window, or around the room, or at my T's feet...
She watches me intensely. I have told her I feel under a microscope at times. She told me she doesn't want to miss anything. She says she is happy to wait for me.

If I really want to say something but am too ashamed, I will ask for some paper and scribble something down. Occasionally, I need the silence just to adjust to being near her and with someone who is attuned and compassionate.
I'm sorry you find them so difficult - I think I've got slightly more comfortable as time has gone on and I've learned that it's ok to just be with her. She wants nothing from me but to be myself. It is hard learning to ask for what I need from her, but I did ask her to check with me if I was ok with the silences, and if I'm not, she'll gently try to engage me somehow. Sometimes, she suggests I wander around her room and she either goes out or does something else until I feel more comfortable. That helped once or twice. It's trial and error I guess, finding a way to be comfortable.
Hope you can find a way to work through this a little. It's horrible feeling ill at ease.

Hi Raven,

We have many silences, less than before as I get braver, but they are now not awkward or uncomfortable. T will often sit with me in silence, allowing me time to formulate words or thoughts without pressure, or just take on what has been said by either one of us.

But the best silences are the ones where she just sits with me and 'is'; those times when there is no need for words because there are no words needed.

starfishy

Sometimes there is comfortable silence....and that is when I am content (doesn't happen too often ).

The awkward silence....like last week Wednesday....when I wanted to talk to her but didn't know how....couldn't find the words....I usually gaze to the right, or up, or at her flowery rug....when I need her to help me and say something, I look right at her, good eye contact, with a certain look, I guess, cuz I think she gets it, and she usually does talk then, to help me out. Like she can tell when "my wheels are turning" or when I'm really thinking about something and she will tell me and ask me what I'm thinking. The more anxious I become the faster and more the hand-wringing becomes....I think that signals her something, too, not sure. Sometimes I look at the clock, and then tell myself, "Come on! TALK! You've only got 25 minutes left."

As for T....silence isn't comfortable for her, at least that is what it feels like to me. But, she does sit with me in it a lot. One time, half way through a session, after looking at the clock, I flat out told her, "I'm done talking." She said, "OK." Then I said to her, "How about you talk." She said, "What do you want me to talk about." HA! I didn't know!! I didn't think she would do it, and it just came out. I was silent. She said, "I will, tell me what you want me to talk about." I never did, I couldn't figure it out, I said I didn't know....then she said, "Well, I think we should talk about _____." So, I think that was a step in the right direction. I need her to talk more, to teach me things to help me help myself outside of session.

I'm hearing that the silence gets more comfortable as the relationship gets more comfortable. Like orbit, I often freeze and can't find the right words. I start rambling and not even making sense to myself and keep asking her if I'm making sense. Luckily, the silences aren't often - but that's because I will usually ramble on because the silence makes me uncomfortable. I just don't like it when it's quiet and I know she's looking at me and I must look so stupid. I want to be invisible. My T is not a talker so if I'm not doing mist the talking, too much silence happens.