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8 replies

What do you tell your friends?

B born2writeMember
I was just wondering what do you tell your friends regarding your issues related to therapy? I mean to what depth do you discuss your problems? I realise we are all different with different issues but I was wondering. You see I never ever told anyone anything and I really mean anything. I was just this happy person who listened to other peoples problems, but now I am wondering do I lean on a friend? I have a friend that I mentioned something to recently...well I mentioned CSA...and now I feel all awkward. Sometimes I feel like I want to push her away so I make excuses. I suppose she is sitting on the other side wanting to help but not knowing how and I'm thinking I can't load all my stuff on her. I don't know what is too much or too little. I feel fake pretending to be OK when I know she knows I'm not. I'm down in the dumps at the moment and I want to talk to her, but I don't know how to start. I don't know if opening up will chase her away. I don't want her to look at me and think here comes the voice of doom, because prior to me telling her I came across as this happy person, and so she was attracted to that energy not the negative energy. I want her to hold me sometimes but I can never ask. I don't cry in front of people so I probably don't look like I need to be held. I'm probably wanting one thing and giving off the sign for something else because I don't know how to ask for my needs to be met and I don't even feel entitled to have them met - its pretty confusing!

So I guess I'm wondering if you are depressed do you tell your friends that you are depressed or do you elaborate further and tell them why? Or maybe you don't tell them at all. What have your responses been and have you also felt like pushing them away once you have said something? I know I have this push pull thing going which I know is related to my attachment style and I don't really know how to change it.

Well I would appreciate your input/thoughts.

B2W
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L lieseMember
Hey B2W,

I have a couple of close friends who know everything about my childhood stuff and even the adult stuff. But there was one acquaintance that I've mentioned some things to and it seemed to put distance between us. Don't know if I was just feeling vulnerable or if it was the friend. In this case, though, I think it was the friend.

I always hid my moods and that isn't always a good thing. I'm learning to be more open about what's going on for me in the present moment but, again, it depends on who I am talking to.
heldincompassionheldincompassionMember
(((B2W)))

Only four of my friends actually know I'm in therapy, and three of them have been given a fairly superficial account of the reasons why. I've told them that it's to address some family of origin stuff as well as provide emotional support since I've had a number of big changes and adjustments in just a few years-- marrying, moving, having a couple kids. While all of that is true, it leaves a lot out in terms of the actual things I struggle with and all that has happened. During my most troubled times, I've put a lot of effort into trying to appear "normal" and it's really hard for me to give up the image of having my act together. I don't know what it would be like to let them in more. Just admitting I'm in therapy at all has seemed like a big step towards authenticity, for me.

I do have one friend, bless her, that knows. . . well, not everything about me, but close. I talk to her about therapy a lot and she's generally interested. That relationship just sort of happened because we were thrown together when I was in a dark place in my life many years ago and she was really the only one I had to turn to that felt safe. She gave me a lot of support and since then it's been natural to talk to her openly about whatever comes up. I think I was only able to develop a friendship like this out of desperation, but it has meant such a lot.

I hope you are able to connect with your friend in a meaningful way about your therapy and all. I'm bad at advice on this since I'm not good at taking risks with people, but I really do believe that it can be worth it in some cases. I wish you all the best. Hug two
S scars09Member
I have a few friends that I tell things to. But I find that on some days I will keep them at a distance, push them away. I will only talk if I am ready and not when they ask questions. On my terms. They are understanding and very supportive but I don't tell them everything.

It is good to have someone to talk to outside of the therapy sessions.
avoidantavoidantMember
Outside of therapy there is no one IRL that I can
talk about issues with in any detail. I don't
feel inclined to talk about sessions with W and
work colleagues only know the bare essentials
on a need to know basis. Chatting to friends
on here is pretty much my only outlet other
than T herself. Is it that male pride thing in
that we dont talk about such things to our
mates I wonder?
B born2writeMember
(((Liese))) Thanks for the response. I guess it's just hard to know who to talk to and how much to say. Glad you are able to deal with your emotions in the present now, and be more open about them - clearly I am not there yet.

(((HIC)))
quote:
I've put a lot of effort into trying to appear "normal" and it's really hard for me to give up the image of having my act together. I don't know what it would be like to let them in more. Just admitting I'm in therapy at all has seemed like a big step towards authenticity, for me

I've sort of felt admitting I am in therapy "demands" an explanation as to why I need to go so that leaves me not saying anything. HIC, I'm really glad for you that you have friend you feel comfortable being so open with.

(((Scars))) Glad you have a few friends you can talk to, and I understand you not wanting to tell them everything.

(((AV))) I don't necessarily think not wanting to talk to people about your feelings is a "male" thing, but it probably has a lot to do with the importance you pay to "strength". I know for myself I have always been referred to as this strong person and somehow battling with emotions seems weak. I was always a tom boy growing up and hanging around with the boys meant I couldn't cry....so maybe you are right??? Anyway it is who I am I guess. Well at least we have on-line friends we can talk to hey! Smiler

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a little better today.



B2W
B bltMember
(((B2W)))

I think it can be challenging to know who you can trust to share vulnerable things with. I think it's best to pick people who are comfortable with their own struggles and vulnerabilities, that way they can be open to yours rather than shutting you down. I have a couple friends (not on this board) who are or have been in therapy before and those are good ones to confide in.

Sharing stuff we feel ashamed and vulnerable about is hard for *everyone* but I think it's worth making little steps to connect because that is how healing and resilience happen.

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