I'm so frustrated after my session tonight but I feel a little better after writing my T an angry email. I always struggle to talk to my T. I feel ashamed and alone with my struggle. Last week my T told me he thought we were reenacting my childhood experience of having a lot of difficult painful feelings and being alone with them. Then on Monday he told me he thought we needed to talk more about my childhood and my memories. I told him I thought we were always talking about my childhood and he said indirectly. After the session I emailed him some of the things I've been struggling with talking about lately.
Tonight I go to my session and I start talking about how I am avoiding talking to my FOO right now. I have parents and 5 siblings. I don't call them as much as I used to and I share less with them. I told him it was because my FOO doesn't want to know how I really feel because they want me to be a certain way. For my parents that means they want me to be happy all the time. If my mother calls the first thing she says is "you sound tired, sick, distracted, out of sorts etc" but if I try and tell her why she cuts me off because she doesn't want to know and she wants me to be happy always. One of my sisters wants to talk regularly but only about superficial topics (at least to me), what I had for lunch, how cute the kids are, no problems, no emotions. Another sister likes to complain about things but doesn't believe there is anyway to change anything so she enjoys complaining about our parents and telling stories about our childhood showing how crazy our parents are but in a funny way so people laugh. Then she says "at least we'll be free when they die". She doesn't like it if I get to serious and stop laughing and talk about how much I hurt because then it is a problem. My brothers like to lecture and tell me what to do so they don't like when I disagree. I know how to get along with everyone but I don't want to spend the time and energy connecting with my family because they have no interest in hearing how I actually feel. I know that and I've made the choice to limit my contact but it is still painful and I'm really sad.
So I cried a lot tonight. I talked about how many things trigger my grief for what was missing in my family. My T acknowledged and reflected how I felt. In my email I told him I could tell if I was grieving in a healthy way or just wallowing in the pain because it has been going on for so long. He barely mentioned that except to say I guess you don't know whether this is grieving or wallowing which was reflecting what I said but he didn't give his opinion on whether the question had merit or any guidelines about it. The conversation just focused on how I was dealing with my FOO in the present with no discussion of the past. Then we lapsed into silence with my T occasionally telling me he knew it was sad and painful and me crying a lot.
I started to get frustrated that there was nothing else to say or do. I didn't know if I should tell him some memories or just cry. He kept looking at me. Near the end he asked me what I would say when I left (by email or leaving a message) which is a question we've started using to try and get at anything that is bothering me and I'm having trouble expressing because I usually do contact him after each session. I told him I felt frustrated because that was all and that I didn't know what the point of this kind of therapy was. He told me that the point was I was having a new experience of being sad with someone who was accepting of my feelings so I wasn't alone with them. I told him I realized that but it didn't seem like enough. He said it doesn't change that you are sad. I said I felt alone. He said I felt alone because I had trouble connecting with him when I felt sad. He said what was interfering with me feeling connected at that moment was because I started thinking that I didn't see the point of therapy. I said thanks for telling me I am doing it wrong. He said I don't think you are doing it on purpose or to be manipulative. I said I started doubting therapy because I felt alone.
I feel so discouraged. I have no idea how to do therapy. I don't know why he says "we should talk more about your childhood" and then focuses on the present in the next session. I feel like he blamed me because I didn't respond as he expected to him accepting my feelings. I feel a little better because I wrote him an angry email asking why it was always my fault when we didn't connect and telling him why I thought it might be his fault too.
I'm exhausted. I have no idea how therapy is supposed to work or what to do next or what it is supposed to look like.
Original Post
You deserve not to feel alone and I'm so sorry you do feel alone. Please know you are in my thoughts my dear.
