ha! Funny enough, I have heard the same thing recently from my T... and yes I definitely thought "here it comes, she has come to the end of her rope."

We might experience this as some kind of ultimatum or threat, but I do think that when they put the ball in our court in this way, the hope is that we'll rise to the occasion.

quote:

What does a good, working, therapeutic relationship look like?

Good question... I am probably the last person who should be answering this... lol... but I'll give it a go...

I guess a good therapeutic relationship allows you the freedom to say anything you want, and be whatever you want to be, without reprisals, judgments, or biases. I really like it when there's a caring, compassionate air about the proceedings too. Definitely makes things easier...

Hang in there, R2G It sounds like your T wants to hear from you about YOUR needs... it may be hard getting used to it-- but this is a good thing

good luck!
effed

R2G,

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now and finding yourself at this place with your T. How stressful for you.

I can't tell you what to tell your T or what your plan would look like because it is something that will be very personal to you. What I can suggest is that you start with the relationship you have with yourself. What was underneath the "bullshit" that you've been presenting in T and what beliefs about yourself are you holding onto?

I understand the desire to please your T and do whatever she wants, but the motivation really does have to come from within you or you may end up in this spot again. I think it could help to start from the position of thinking about what you tell yourself about you, what motivates your ED behavior or desire to pretend you are okay when you aren't. Until you can stop resisting yourself you may continue to put walls up that will be between you and your T.

I'm not saying any of this is easy; speaking from experience, resisting (mostly yourself) and being compliant out of fear only prolong the pain.

((r2G))

I've been here! I like the responses you've got so far. I think the thing about treating an ED is it's all you - it's choices we make to avoid feeling something else. So I think planning would involve ways to regulate the emotions that will come up with you're going against your pattern and then little steps that will be taken to break the patterns. For me a lot of what came up was anger and I'd have to content with my ED and my urges to SI so every time I felt angry, I had a list of things I could do. So every time I felt angry, I'd do them and when that anger involved resisting an ED behavior I'd do them and sit and scream and suffer in disagreement with them. I also replaced a lot of habits - for example, I'd weigh myself excessively (and when I say excessively, we're in the double digits past 25) so I bought something that was a repetitive thing to move every time I'd walk in to the area I normally kept my scale. So every time I got the urge and I could go to where my scale was, stand on that place on my floor and move a marble from one cup to another, then go back to doing what I was doing. Eventually, I wasn't getting anything from that and it was less and less but when I get uncomfortable again I pull that stuff out again.

Not only is it the emotions involved in resisting behavior but the shame involved in honesty. I've recently started weighing myself (at the gym) and... it's humiliating to have to tell my T. But, she's not disappointed she says okay... well, if you don't want to do that because it's not in line with your health and recovery and I'm supporting your health and recovery let's do something else. And then I have to DO those things but I never can until I'm ready.

Your T won't leave you, but she may recommend inpatient, etc if that's really honestly what you need. So... the long and short of it is a plan is... however many steps tiny or big on a way toward a goal. Having the client own the ideas I think makes them more likely to do them - I've noticed that when I teach and you may have as well. When someone can come to a conclusion themselves, in their own words, it sticks. So maybe your ED needs to hear your words, not your Ts. I found when I could take a skill my T would teach me and put my own twist on it I'd be more likely to do it. I'd have to figure out something to fit in to MY life and my Ts are thankfully very gracious about that. So once you get a goal try to break it down in to the 100 tiny things that are involved (it's going to feel overwhelming) and pick some that you can do the solution for. If it's not enough to get your out of illness right now to the point you're risking your life I really think you may want to consider inpatient, they'll keep you honest. I know seeing my NT every week and being weighed and having my Ts notice my skin, or if I was tired or how I was doing in groups or what I said/did all the damn time kept me quite honest. They almost have ESP about when they know I'm weighing or have a scale, or when I'm doing other ED behaviors because they've had experience with my patterns through my honesty and... that is SO helpful. So the more predictable and honest you are I think the better your T can assist you.

Hopefully I won't trigger you (or anyone else) saying this but your T is a tool to use in your recovery you have to WANT the recovery first and figure out what you're willing to do and can tolerate and get help with the gaps. It's going to hurt. I'd say I've never done anything harder than eat when I didn't want to. Grr!

Effed... that's exactly what I felt like when I saw my T, and it really scared me, because of everyone in my life, on my support team, T is the only one I can not live without. At least not yet (nor anytime in the distant future, either.)

I didn't hear it as an ultimatum and I know it wasn't a threat, it is T putting things into my hands, holding me accountable for my own work. T's said it before - I have to do the work, I have to make the effort, I have to WANT to do this (more than just showing up at each appointment) and T is there with me, but it's my job.

All of what you wrote here:

quote:

allows you the freedom to say anything you want, and be whatever you want to be, without reprisals, judgments, or biases. I really like it when there's a caring, compassionate air about the proceedings too.

is, in my mind, what I have. I trust T like no one else, and know that anything is ok to share and discuss- T listens objectively and helps in that quiet, calm, predictable way. T wants me to be calling the shots... and T trusts that I'll do it fine, but is there to catch me if I need it. Talk about scary! ((((Effed))))

STRM.... wow.... you so hit something on the head here.

quote:

...what beliefs about yourself are you holding onto?.... the motivation really does have to come from within you or you may end up in this spot again. I think it could help to start from the position of thinking about what you tell yourself about you, what motivates your ED behavior or desire to pretend you are okay when you aren't. Until you can stop resisting yourself you may continue to put walls up that will be between you and your T.

I have been pretending to be more ok than I am... I've been doing such a good job of it too, that I've even fooled myself. Yesterday was another one of those painful wake-up calls. T and NT asked me a similar question - what's holding me back... I know my desire to pretend I'm ok stems from the fact that very few people even know what I'm dealing with (like, I can count the number of people that know on one hand.) I have to pretend to be ok 80% of the time (or whenever I'm in public) and that's hard and not helpful. I have to think on the questions you posed here, and I appreciate your insight. ((((STRM))))

Cat... it is all me, and that is a lot of pressure that I am having a hard time handling. I'm the one preparing my meals, I'm the one making sure I get enough calories and don't cut corners, it's all me... and it really isn't easy. Anger messes everything up a lot for me, along with being ok with any feeling. I am definitely a "talk it out" person, but there are so few people I'm even willing to talk to when I get in that emotional state, it sure doesn't make it easy. I have a list of things to do when I'm angry, but I am starting to realize that I don't know when I'm angry unless it's the "I'm going to burst" anger. Lately I am swallowed by the "I'm so sad it's covering anger" anger. And that, I don't know how to deal with. ((((Cat))))

I know T won't leave me, she's said that before. I am stressing extra right now because my NT is on leave till July, and while her temp is great, I really miss my NT, a lot. Between NT and T I felt really supported. With just T and the temp, I know I'm a lot of work! But I also know that we need to, or I need to, find a way to work through this mess. If it means inpatient (which I am hopeful it doesn't, but....) then I'm willing to do that as long as I can keep my T... I DO want to recover. I DO. I want to recover.... I want to stop hating my life and my body so much....